i couldn't hold it back.

I suspect I’m never going to be as active with Mikey as I used to be, however. I still want to write him, and in an attempt to be more active, i’m gonna be moving him over to my multimuse at @revengesworn! if you’re still interested in interacting and aren’t following that blog already, feel free to check it out!

If you had asked Chifuyu what his plans were for the time in his life that Toman was no longer around in existence, he would have no answer. In fact, he does not have an answer, even as his eyes gaze out over the small pond beneath the bridge he’s standing on with arms resting against the railing. There is a type of peace he finds in watching as the fish below swim along without a care in the world. He wonders to himself if he can find a way to do the same, if he can find a way to choose the right path to travel that not only would his mother approve of, but he hopes that Baji would too.

Hearing the familiar voice, he turns his attention to his former commander. The surprise from Mikey addressing him is clear, knowing the two haven’t hardly talked one on one much if hardly at all. “Oh, Mikey-” He blinks, tilting his head to slide some of his hair out of his face as per usual. “Just.. Just decided to come here for a bit. Think about some stuff, is all.” The voice inside his head says he should open up, what’s the worst that would happen? But it isn’t anything Mikey needs to worry over. He made his decision, Toman was disbanded, and everyone had the choice to go whichever path they chose- Which in a way, it hurt.

Sure everyone has plans for life goals, but for Chifuyu, everything feels as if it’s slipping through his fingers and he isn’t sure what to do. “It’s just.. odd, you know? Toman’s been what I’ve known for so long, and now..” Words trail off as he looks back at the water. “It’s just, we all got so used to being around each other.. It makes me wonder what’ll happen from here. Will everyone stay in contact, are we all going to split and simply turn into memories in everyone else’s brains?.. Even now, I feel.. lost. I never expected things to change like this so soon, and I still don’t have a clue what to do. I know I wanna choose to do something that Baji-san would have been proud of, but it just feels weird. Even when we lost Baji-san, we all still had each other. Now it sort of feels like we’re all just going to end up distancing.”

Moments pass, and he realizes he’s rambled on far too long. “Sorry. Guess I got a bit carried away there.” There’s a weak chuckle. One mixed with embarrassment as well as guilt, and maybe even a little fear. “Anyways. What brings you out here? I’m not used to seeing you travel alone much..”

“Mmm... yeah. Ken-chin was busy, so I’m just on my own today.”

Mikey doesn’t feel particularly guilty for disbanding Toman, but it still makes his chest ache a little, hearing Chifuyu’s anxieties and knowing that he’s the cause of them. He’s sure that everyone must be feeling lost, uncertain of where to go from here, but... really, it’s for the best. He has full confidence that they’ll be able to figure it out, even if he’s not by their sides anymore.

But at the very least, he wants to reassure Chifuyu on one point.

“But I’m sure that won’t happen. ...Everyone in Toman... we’re all connected. Even if things are different now, that doesn’t mean that we suddenly have to stop being friends, does it? I’m sure we’ll all stay together, even in the future.”

And really, it doesn’t even feel like he’s lying. Maybe it’s because Mikey’s sure his words are true - for everyone except him, at least. Mitsuya, Chifuyu, Takemitchy, Ken-chin, Smiley, and everyone else... he can’t see them ever drifting apart. He wouldn’t forgive them if they did, anyway - though it’s not like that means all that much anymore. But they’ll be fine, because they’ve got each other.

Mikey almost feels peaceful as he stands there, thinking about it. It’s a lonely, sad kind of peace, but... knowing that he’s doing the right thing for once, and that he’s doing what he can to protect them, feels good. He can only hope that feeling lasts.

as it turns out. i ended up getting covid for the first time this christmas, so THAT was fun :’)) i’m really sorry i haven’t been around, and i hope you’ve all had a great time this holiday season nonetheless!

gonna try making a comeback again (no promises though, as always my muse is fickle as hell atm) because i love mikey and i’ve been missing you guys too............... ;~;

He’s avoided him for far too long- kept him at arm’s length, even though he knows that Sanzu would do anything for him. Somehow, he’d continued to care about Mikey, even after Mikey hurt him that day - mutilated him; forcing painful scars onto him that would stay forever.

Deep down, Mikey must’ve known it was unfair. He acted friendly with Sanzu, sure, but he never let him in like he used to do back when they were still innocent. He told himself he was protecting him, and that it was for his own good, but... that wasn’t it.

No. The reason was simple. ...One look at those scars, and guilt would always overwhelm Mikey - a guilt so strong that he felt that he couldn’t cope with it. And not just guilt, but fear. A fear of losing control again, making his heart pound and his stomach turn... in the end, he just wanted to avoid those feelings. A simple, selfish reason.

Now that he’s returned to the past, Mikey can’t help but carry it with him - that guilt. Because he knows just how badly he’s failed Haruchiyo. Even in Kanto Manji Gang, he hadn’t had the strength to resist the desire to have someone, anyone, by his side, and so he’d kept Sanzu around, despite knowing what kind of life he was dragging him into. Telling himself that Sanzu wanted it too was nothing but an excuse.

But he still doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get how Sanzu can look at Mikey with such adoration, and he doesn’t get why he became the kind of person who’d be willing to kill so many people without blinking an eye. It’s not like Mikey has the right to judge - he knows that. But... like a hypocrite, it scares him. Maybe because he knows it’s his fault.

...But Mikey is an expert at putting on a mask. So when he notices that Sanzu has approached him, he smiles the same way he always does, as if nothing had ever gone wrong between them.

“Oh! I thought you were with Mucho. What’s up? Need something?”

                               I COULDN’T HOLD IT BACK.

and i think it’s because, like. though i was okay with the ending, there are a lot of things i want to explore post-canon that i almost feel like i can’t??

like i’d like to write mikey still struggling with dark impulses, but it’s difficult to find a headcanon for why that’d be the case post-canon that doesn’t go against the spirit of the ending. similarly, things like other characters (not just takemichi) learning the truth about mikey, learning about his darker side and his struggles, the things he hides, his pain, etc... i enjoy all that, but when combined with a desire to somehow do this all post-canon it feels somehow tricky.

i know i can write threads taking place before the ending too and i still plan to do so, but my brain will not be satisfied i think until i find a way to do post-canon threads in a way i enjoy as well.

actually, i think it’s that i want the WHOLE tr cast (not just takemichi) to help save mikey... yet i somehow want this to take place after canon... where everything is (mostly) fine?? and i don’t want to write mikey as completely helpless either.