darkblueorangenights

Finding the old, dog-eared book i once called my diary, I sat down to read, feeling both the weight of years and the lightness of rediscovered joy. Tucked away in a dusty corner of the attic, its pages filled with the hopes and fears of a younger me. As I read the familiar handwriting, I was struck by how foreign my own thoughts seemed. What happened to the girl who wrote these words, and what remains of her within me?

I stood at the edge of the abandoned playground, the laughter of my childhood friends a distant memory carried by the wind. The rusty swings swayed aimlessly, mirroring my own sense of displacement. How did the simplicity of those days dissolve into the absurdity of my current existence?

The playground equipment, though rusted, still stood as a testament to those carefree days.

The truth is, i’m still the little girl that naively picked up my pen for the first time. Oftentimes when i read those diaries i distantiate myself from those people, I see them as acquaintances or old friends. How could i have ever been those people? Failing to recognise my calluses once blisters. Fruits getting softer with age, riping.

march 2024

the lamest where’s waldo you’ve played all week

I’ve been loved a lot throughout my nineteen years alive on this earth. truly.

but feeling understood is something i’ve never seemed to experience.

I once read something along the lines of “humans are made to understand, not to be understood”

i think i agree with this, as in, love is peace with each other’s lack of understanding. being unbothered by the language barrier of desire, and just to love. shamelessly.

i repeat to myself “understanding is not essential to love, only love is”

love is breaking free from my seemingly never ending train of thought. broken free from rationality, and my need to be rational.

i have broken free with irrationality of joy.

life starts to sound like looking outside on sunny day in elementary school again.

the bell will ring any minute now. i’m leaving my wollen sweater that used to be the neighbour’s eldest daughter’s old one in the classroom.

i’ll have hummus and carrots with my sandwich, my friend Robin has salami and chocolate spread. well share both on the grass and play pretend ninjas with Zal & Orchun. I’m always the green nature cool ninja girl with the axe, robin plays the animal ninja, zal is the fire ninja and Orchun can’t rlly decide yet

grandma will pick me up after school, i left my digital camera in her car. can’t wait to film the road to her house again. i should also take some pictures of my go go figurines, for when im older. i have to remember that.

i think i fell in love with life again

Today, the third of december it started snowing in the afternoon. I saw a man take a picture of his wife and kids playing in the snow on my way home.

I also saw a painting in a gallery made by the artist your street’s name was dedicated to, you called him a no-name and that was about the sanest thing you said today.

Its been a while since it snowed in my city.