[Take Care of Yourself...]

I get really jealous of all the people who have what I want. From facial features, body type, fashion sense, wealth, etc. all of it. So jealous it makes me upset which then leads me to be upset about being upset because I should be happy for them. It’s just sometimes I feel there are those who’re the default or the privileged that get/have what I want with little to mo effort. It makes me question will I ever be enough or will I ever DO enough to obtain X? I try and tell myself I don’t need these things I should be grateful and love myself for who I am. Even if sometimes I’d rather be anyone but me.

Life used to feel very exciting for me but then I started to realize more about the world that I felt too much all at once till I felt nothing at all. I often daydream a more fulfilling life for myself as a 22 year old. You know, the teenage dream living it up by getting drunk, late night runs to Waffle House with your friends, and bad breakups. At the least I wish I were wearing vintage clothes, going on trips, and whatever famous young “influencers” do nowadays. I like to believe I’ll get a chance at a life like that it just takes time but that’s me being falsely optimistic. If I do though I’m gonna be embarrassed when people discover this blog reading all about my inner monologue 😅😅

I feel like I’m starting to understand myself much more. Last year was a lot of reflection that brought more questions than answers and it was very overwhelming because it made me feel like there was constantly something wrong with me. I still struggle a lot these days too but I manage to squeeze a bit of positivity into my day. I need to remind myself I don’t know as much as I think I do and that if I overthink too much it could be the death of me.

Sometimes I wonder if there was that one point in my life where I took a different path that altered the life I wanted for myself.

I had a dream yesterday where I just cried during the entire dream which to me is strange. At first it was because of my grandmother then I just cried about nothing in particular. I think it was a metaphor for how I’ve been feeling fit quite sometime, it’s just been amplified because of the different environment I’m in. I feel as though I’ve been tainting my heart with blue dye which represents sadness. Every time I tell myself something that makes me sad such as “maybe you’re not meant to be good at anything” I add one drop of that blue dye. The more I’ve been adding the less I feel and the more disconnect I become with the things that brought me joy. Physically my heart feels like that moment you’re touched with a really powerful scene in a movie that makes you well up and burst into tears. I can feel myself wanting that release but I just can’t seem to connect myself to do so like I used to. I’ve started trying this thing where I allow myself to heal by just laying down with my eyes closed and just existing. Blocking out feelings of guilt for not spending time on art, blocking the impulse to check every notification, and most importantly blocking out my insecurities that tell me I’ll never be more than the person I am now. I have no idea if it’ll work but I sure hope so 😅😅

I dislike the amount of pressure I apply to myself to achieve my goals and accomplishments as fast as possible. We look up to others in society who have the things we desire so we tunnel vision on doing exactly what we need to do to get it. Hustle culture is great as self motivation but I feel it quickly can burn you out by missing out key experiences. Life is already incredibly tough as is so forcing ourselves to work at a pace that is not meant for us is unnecessary to me. It’s alright to just BE, to exist should be enough.

I wish I were an interesting person, special in some kind of way. Not in the pitiful kind of way but ACTUALLY special. I not really good at video games to garner a large following of people, I’m not really good at art for people to care what I draw, I’m not that funny, etc.. Not sure where I was going with this