I am the worst amalgamation of my parents. I became addicted to the same drug they are addicted to, only in more frequency and volume. My 5 year relationship mirrors their abusive tactics crystal clear. I am 25 and have wasted my education opportunities because I have been saddled with ADHD my mother never got diagnosed, autism my dad isn't even aware of and the CPSTD they so graciously gifted me. I have failed to fight those things each time. I am not making better choices despite being aware of which ones to make. I have failed to quit my drug every single time I try and more. The cost of that has set me behind years; I have not had money for my flat carpeting or curtains for 2 years, I missed my sister's wedding due to the travel costs, I haven't had a holiday for over 5 years and I haven't been to the dentist since I was 18. My sister's husband dislikes or hates me and won't speak to me because I was abusive to her a few years ago - it may have been a medical crisis of hormonal birth control but I made no moves to stop it for too long, and I actually love that he hates me because at least she has someone in her corner that will defend and protect her from our awfulness. My neglect and abuse in my own depression killed my dog and probably my cat, I don't care if they were old enough to die naturally, I know in my heart they would have had better, longer lives being cared for by someone else. I should have given them away to better homes. I'm too weak and scared to remove myself from this plain of existence, even though it will likely improve the lives of most of my loved ones. My best friend of 8 years has distanced himself because of how I'm dealing with my choices and being burdensome to him, as he should protrct himself and I can't fathom why my 2 or 3 other friends are sticking around. I am not nice, I am not kind, I am a doormat and somehow still have enough energy and anger within me to be a hellion for all around me at least once. I am the problem instigator in my family and start all arguments. I barely take care of myself, can hardly function alone and I can't escape this existence because if I do, my cat goes back to neglect abuse and an unclean hoarding apartment with my dad, my boyfriend now ex will be homeless, my mother will I guess exist just fine and my sister probably won't even notice as she's not on the same continent. Luckily, she would be happy and unaffected by any changing circumstances via my death, and would probably need a few years to grieve but she has her husband, her 2 cats and his lovely family, a lovely house and are probs gonna be having kids soon. She won't be lonely and she could tell her kids about the aunt they never met. I think that'd be nice.
