Da Pay Winduh

I've been gone for a bit, but I'm back now. I'll pick up the Raw Time Machine again very soon, but since it is coming up this Sunday, I thought I'd give my picks for Wrestlemania. Subtitled "The Ultimate Thrill-Ride!!!", because Vince apparently hates the "Granddaddy of Them All" nickname, this year's show comes to us from somewhere in Florida and will last like 12 hours. I gotta be honest, I'm kinda checked out this year. WWE programming has not been as compelling to me as other things, like Lucha Underground. But I can't say I won't be watching this Sunday. It is Wrestlemania, dammit! The TWO GODDAMNED HOUR LONG PRE-SHOW! - Andre the Giant Battle Royal - This concept has never been the star creator they make it out to be. It is really just an excuse to get lower midcarders on the show and give them something to do. Cesaro won the inaugural match, then Big Show, and last year it was Baron Corbin. This year is full of tag guys and jobbers and Braun Strowman, making it pretty obvious who will win. He is my pick, but I would prefer Dolph Ziggler to win, because Jesus, he is still in the company after the way they've treated him. At least throw him a bone. - Neville vs Austin Aries for the Cruiserweight Title - Neville has reinvented himself recently, and his bitter hardass villain persona really works. Austin Aries is a real life douchebag who acts like a jerk and gets cheered. He will probably win here so a face gets a win, but I don't see a benefit to him going forward. Neville has the better upside. WRASSLEMANIAAAAAA!!! - Alexa Bliss vs Becky Lynch vs Naomi vs Mickie James vs Natalya vs Carmella for the SmackDown Women's Title - Another "get them all on the show" match. SmackDown's Women's Division benefits from some great wrestlers (Lynch, Nattie, Mickie) as well as supreme hotties (Alexa, Mickie, Naomi). I can't imagine this will be a show-stealer, but it will probably be fun for five to seven minutes. Lynch, Bliss, Naomi, or even Mickie are believable as winners for this, but I'm going to predict Naomi, since she had to drop the title immediately after she won it recently due to an injury. She got a great response when she won, and I think WWE would like to recreate that, especially since I think Naomi is from Florida. - Gallows & Anderson vs Cesaro & Sheamus vs Enzo & Big Cass for the Raw Tag Titles - Another multi-man match. This type of booking smacks of indecision. They can't decide who should be in the match, so fuck it, put everyone in. Wrestlemania 15, anyone? Honestly, any of these three teams could win and be fine going forward, but I'm going to pick Gallows & Anderson to retain. Enzo & Cass will do their entrance promo and continue to never win the big one, and I guess Sheamus will Brogue Kick someone. I guess it will be fine, but it is criminal to me that these teams get a featured match, while American Alpha and the revitalized Usos have to languish in the Battle Royal. - Dean Ambrose vs Baron Corbin for the Intercontinental Title - Dean has a weird thing, where he spends the better part of the year in the main event picture, until Mania roles around and he gets relegated to the midcard. Here he is defending the IC belt against Vince's boy Baron Corbin. Baron has come into his own, but he still suffers at times from the "big stiff hoss" disease. I bet he wins here, probably with some chicanery. - John Cena & Nikki Bella vs Miz & Maryse - I fervently believe that Miz is the best heel in the company right now, and while I think he ultimately deserves better, a featured match against Cena is nothing to sneeze at. The involvement of the ladies here is unnecessary, but I get why - they gotta promote Total Divas/Bellas. Miz is great and Maryse is gorgeous, but there is no way they win over SuperCena and Juggs McTwinsy. - Chris Jericho vs Kevin Owens for the US Title - Like Neville, Y2J has reinvented himself, this time into an arrogant prigg who puts his enemies on "The List of Jericho". His best buddy run with Owens, and the subsequent break up, is easily the best storyline WWE has done this year, and I think it is criminal that this match is for a midcard belt and not the Universal Title. Goldberg/Lesnar didn't need the belt to be the main event. It is Punk losing his title to make Rock/Cena 2 a title match all over again. Anyway, I figure Owens wins here. Jericho is leaving soon to do his rock star bit, and Owens getting the rub from Y2J is more useful than Jericho winning for a brief happy moment. - Bayley vs Sasha Banks vs Charlotte Flair vs Nia Jax for the Raw Women's Title - Another multi-person match? Damn you, D'Lo! First off, Nia has no business being in this match. She had the potential in NXT to be a Bull Nakano-style monster, but the WWE's insistence on focusing on her "pretty eyes" and having her squash better wrestlers for no reason isn't doing her any favors. Sasha has appeared to be teasing a heel turn by helping Bayley for a while now, so I predict that Charlotte wins the belt when Sasha costs Bayley the win, thereby transitioning Bayley and Sasha into a feud, to recreate their chemistry from NXT. Charlotte will go on to feud with newly-face Dana Brooke and they will have terrible matches. - Holy crap, is this still going??? - Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles - AJ deserves so much better, but at least he isn't in the Andre Battle Royal. Shane will jump off something high after selling like death for AJ's offense, and if Styles - the best wrestler in the world - does not beat a 50+ year old non-wrestler, then we will riot. - Seth Rollins vs Triple H in an Unsanctioned Match - I have never understood the idea of an "Unsanctioned Match". So the company feels like having this match is unsafe and a bad idea, but they still put it on the biggest show of the year and assign a WWE ref to count three? Why? Nonsense aside, I'm glad Rollins gets a Mania match after missing out last year and almost missing this year too. The Unsanctioned bullshit is just a fancy way to say No DQ, so expect Samoa Joe to show up and help Hunter. I'd love to see Finn Balor return to even the odds and help Rollins pull out a victory, but I suspect Seth falls to the numbers game and a blatant sledgehammer shot to the knee and Triple H gets the win. - Undertaker vs Roman Reigns - I think this is going to be terrible. Taker should have retired after his Mania 30 loss to Lesnar in a terrible match with a shocking finish. He can barely walk anymore, and while Roman is a much better wrestler than folks give him credit for, his best matches are with guys who can work really well, like Lesnar and AJ Styles. Taker won't give him anything to work with, and Roman will likely not know how to work around him. I hope I'm wrong, and Taker has one last barn-burner in him, but I'm not optimistic. Undertaker wins here because Roman isn't stupid. - Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton for the WWE Title - Randy Orton's defection to the Wyatt Family has been a surprising success, and he and Bray have surprising chemistry. I think this may be the sleeper match of the night, and I would be shocked if Randy doesn't win. Not saying he is a dead lock, but Bray pulling out a retention will likely only happen if Luke Harper or Erick Rowan come back into the fold and cost Orton the title, and I suspect that is unlikely. - Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar for the Universal Title - Oh my god we made it! So, after their horrible abortion of a match at Wrestlemania 20, Lesnar and Goldberg have another shot. This time, though, neither are working a regular schedule and both are thirteen years older. Leading up to this match, Goldberg has been well protected through the WCW-style ten second squash matches, while Lesnar hasn't done much of anything except lose badly at Survivor Series. Word is that this won't be a long match, likely since Goldberg can't wrestle and Vince remembers what happened last time. I predict ten minutes of entrances, eight minutes of garbage brawling with chairs and gimmicks, a couple spears, a few thousand F-5's, and a victory by Lesnar to send Goldberg off into the sunset. Lesnar will move ahead to feud with Rollins or Owens or maybe Balor, and Goldberg will go into the Hall of Fame next year. So there you have it. Seven-plus hours of Wrestlemania looms before us. Brace yourselves...

Despite promising that we'd get to see the Undertaker vs Skinner match that got cut off at the end of last week's show, Week Seven of Monday Night Raw doesn't even feature a mention of that bout. Instead, we are treated to a show-long bit, where Rob Bartlett does something that I cannot in good conscience call an impression. When he shows up on camera, he is in a terrible Elvis wig, aviators and a gold jacket. Eventually we get the idea that Bartlett is pretending to be Elvis because Wrestlemania 9 will be in Las Vegas, but his impression is dreadful, amounting to a vague southern accent and stuffing his face with food. Vince sure seems to think it is hilarious, though, and that's all that matters. We start with Headshrinker Fatu and his manager Wild Samoan Afa in the ring, and WWF World Champion Bret Hart making his entrance. The crowd is super hot for The Hitman, who has a big red scab on his nose for some reason. The two work a slow, boring match full of armbars and chinlocks. Early on, Bret trips over Fatu on a drop-down, and it is so blatantly fake it can only be a playing possum spot, but Vince suggests that Bret was tripped by Afa. The camera then cuts to an angle where we see Afa on the other side of the ring, nowhere near where Bret fell. Eventually, Headshrinker Samu shows up to beat on Bret outside the ring. This breaks open the scab on Bret's nose and he bleeds. Fatu bites it which is super gross. Samu tries a Twin Magic during an Afa distraction and gets a two count. Finally, Bret fights them all off and submits Fatu with the Sharpshooter while Samu's neck is tied in the ropes. This match was too long for what it was, and it was in that weird spot WWF used to do with Saturday Night's Main Event where they'd lead with the actual main event and then fill out the back of the hour with crap. With about one month to go until the big show, we get a Wrestlemania 9 Report insert. Mean Gene runs down the card, then breaks the fourth wall a bit to address Randy Savage at the commentary desk. He asks if Macho Man's outfit was painted by Joey Buttafuoco. Please, Gene. Save those jokes for Bartlett. After a break, we get an "interview" with Crush from the beach in Hawaii. Like the fake interplay between taped Mean Gene and Savage in the last segment, this is Vince talking to a video recording. Crush does a fake Hawaiian accent, says "Shaka brah", and crushes a coconut. Next up is Crush's opponent at Wrestlemania 9, Doink (the Clown). Doink brings a present to the ring, but doesn't open it. He is facing Koko B. Ware, who is dressed in his High Energy gear, but enters to " Bird Bird Bird". Annoyingly, Elvis Bartlett makes the same joke about Koko looking like Gary Coleman that he did in Episode One. Doink jumps Koko before the bell, and jobs him out using an impressive array of holds, including a single leg crab, an STF, a Funk Family spinning toe hold, and finally a stump puller to win. Afterwards, Vince suggests Rob Bartlett interview Doink. Bartlett continues his pitiful Elvis bit, and Doink opens the present he brought and takes out a pie, which he slams in Bartlett's face. This gets huge cheers from the crowd, which is probably not what Vince wanted for the heel Doink, but everyone hates Bartlett, not just me. When we come back from a break, Vince McMahon is in the ring to interview Money Inc. Ted Dibiase shows a newspaper clipping and talks about some guy from American Express who got a golden parachute severance package. No one cares. They then address Hulk Hogan coming out of retirement last week to form a new tag team with Brutus Beefcake, the Mega-Maniacs. Dibiase is annoyed at having to hear Hogan's music again. IRS gets huge "Irwin" chants, as he dubs the briefcase he hit Brutus with the "Beefcase" (YES) and shows a picture of Hulk he has taped to it with masking tape. They accept the challenge of the Mega-Maniacs for a title match at Mania, which is really odd, because Mean Gene already said they had accepted the challenge earlier during the Wrestlemania 9 Report. That'll show them to pretape segments. Our next contest features The Narcissist Lex Luger taking on PJ Walker. "PJ Walker" is the jobber name of one PJ Polaco, who would go on to be Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man-o-War, and then ECW World Champion Justin Credible. He has a full head of hair and knockoff Rockers tights. During the match, Bobby Heenan does a phone interview. He does bad comedy with Bartlett and promotes All American Wrestling, his weekend show. It isn't good. Mercifully, Luger hits the loaded forearm and uses a pinky to pin the guy Paul Heyman used to make me watch have boring matches in 2000. Then Vince tells us that coming up next, we'll see the Steiner Brothers, "Rob and Scott". Good work. Our final match is The Steiners vs the team of Duane Gill and Barry Hardy. Duane Gill, of course, would go on to become WWF Light Heavyweight Champion during the Attitude Era as the shameless parody character Gillberg, and Barry Hardy looks like an uglier Al Snow. Wikipedia tells me that the Hardy/Gill team often went by the moniker "The Lords of Darkness" and my god that is a terrible name for two rednecks with matching bleach blonde mullets. Not much to talk about here, as Barry gets brutalized, then tags Duane in so he can get brutalized too. He takes the Frankensteiner and the pinfall. At the commentary desk, Vince tells us that next week we will get a tag team match between champs Money Inc. and the formidable pairing of El Matador and Virgil. Then Macho Man chimes in to mention we will also see Mr. Perfect vs Rick Martel, which is kind of a case of Vince totally burying the lede here. That is a way better match to promote than Money Inc. against Tito and Virgil! Anyway, Vince then takes it upon himself to invite Elvis Bartlett back next week. Shoot me now.

Orton's behavior is getting way worse. He used to just shit in your bag.

Week Six of Monday Night Raw begins with a cold open, as fuck me, Rob Bartlett is still here. He makes a joke about how wrestling fans can in fact spell as he points to a "HULK" sign. Good work making fun of your viewership. I'm sure Vince thought it was hilarious. As for me...boo. Our first match of the evening is Bam Bam Bigelow taking on jobber Scott Taylor, who is easily recognizable as the future Scotty 2 Hotty. He also is the future recipient of a possible CTE diagnosis, as Bammer hits an electric chair drop that graphically bounces Taylor's head off the mat. He also takes a wicked double-underhook backbreaker, and then two top rope flying headbutts before getting pinned. Bam Bam looks strong again, and reminds us that, despite being a big fat dude, he also wrestles very well. Next, we get a scream-at-your-television pretaped interview with Vince and Hogan, delivered on the same exact set as the "This Might Be My Last Match" interview they did before Wrestlemania 8. This might have been intentional, considering what Hulk was about to say, but the set features giant posters of Roidy Hulkster, which contrasts sharply with his new, slimmer body. Also providing contrast is Vince McMahon, who looks swollen and uncomfortable in his tight, ugly suit. Hogan teases talking about his future, but then says he wants to talk about his past first. He admits to "making mistakes" but never says what they were, then begins an obviously scripted rant against "Tabloid Terrorism", which sounds oddly like a modern day Trump rant against the "fake news media". He claims they run with stories they know are false and don't talk about the positives. One can only assume that this promo full of vague allusions and doubletalk is an attempt to have Hogan kinda-but-not-really apologize for taking steroids and lying on Arsenio Hall by saying he hadn't, while also speaking a Vince McMahon-penned diatribe against the media carrying the steroid scandal story, and not reporting the good things WWF had been doing, like...oh, I dunno...covering for murderers and sexual abusers? Hulk concludes by rewriting the 3 demandments of Hulkamania into 5, adding "believe in yourself" and "believe in the Hulkster". My god. Back in the Manhattan Center, we get a six man tag match, with the team of Shawn Michaels and the Beverly Brothers taking on Tatanka (Buffalo) and the Nasty Boys. Shawn now sings his owns theme song, and has some awesome gold entrance gear. He is also now feuding with Tatanka, since Marty Janetty got fired again. Womp womp. The faces spend far to much time on offense before a commercial break, then the heels get a series of no-heat headlocks and such. The finish sees Tatanka do his rain dance, then hit the End of the Trail, and then everyone piles in and schmozzes until Tatanka counters HBK's Teardrop Suplex into a sunset flip, and current-referee-and-future-ECW-manager Bill Alphonso counts the three. Vince throws to Sean Mooney, who still has never seen the inside of the Manhattan Center. He is being mobbed by fans who scream at him about Hulk Hogan being back. We get another fat ring girl, and Bartlett takes the opportunity to name-check Richard Simmons' Deal-A-Meal diet system. Yawn. In the ring is now fully jobber Terry Taylor, who they have completely given up on again. He is facing Crush, but this match is simply a backdrop for Vince and Rob Bartlett to do a bewilderingly bad phone bit, where Bartlett pretends to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. Then he continues his run of terrible commentary by asking if Crush has a match at Wrestlemania, even though Macho Man just got done saying he would be facing Doink there. FIRE THIS MAN. Fast-forward, and Crush wins with the Head Vice, and Vince says "Shaka brah". We get a replay from last week, when Money Inc. broke Brutus Beefcake's nose with a briefcase and shoved their now-former manager Jimmy Hart around. This leads to a tease for Hulk Hogan's in-ring interview after the commercial. In-ring, Vince introduces Hulk Hogan. At this point, Hulk had been off TV for almost a year, since the main event of Mania 8, and he gets a predictably good reaction. He enters and does the "YOU!" point at Vince, as fans hold up planted signs. Hulk looks very WCW here, with his smaller body, undyed eyebrows, and red long tights with red Hulkamania shirt. Change his colors from red to black and this would be Hollywood Hogan. Hulk recaps what happened last week to Brutus. As he does this, he looks directly into the camera in the ring, but has his back turned to the hard camera, so every time they cut to it, he is just standing directly in front of Vince. He thanks God and Jimmy Hart for helping Brutus survive the attack. He then announces his comeback and calls out Brutus, who is wearing red and yellow gear and tape on his nose. Beefcake calls the briefcase shot a wake up call and then proceeds to basically repeat what Hogan just said, also thanking God and Jimmy Hart, so then Hulk steps in to invite Jimmy Hart out to be their new manager. Jimmy enters to Real American with a red and yellow suit, and calls this the greatest day of his life. There are boos mixed with the cheers in the crowd, probably because naming Hart as their manager seems pretty heelish. Hart had a great line, promising Hulk that every morning he will take his vitamins, and Money Inc. better say their prayers. Hulk jumps in for the last word, as he pretends to just think of their new team name - the Mega-Maniacs. Hulk's music hits and he hotdogs and grandstands as we go to break. With two minutes left in the show, we now have the main event! It is Undertaker vs Skinner, and I can only assume the Hogan segment went way long, because after thirty seconds of Taker coming to the ring, we get another commercial break. When we return, Skinner is getting heat on Undertaker, and after maybe five seconds, Vince throws to a "Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following" insert commercial for Slim Jims! That leaves us with about 50 seconds, as Skinner jumps off the apron onto Taker's back outside the ring, which clumsily drives his head into the guardrail. As the two get back in the ring, Vince says we'll see the end of this match next week as we are out of time. He also plugs a World Title match for next week, between champion Bret Hart and his challenger...Fatu of the Headshrinkers. Good to see that in a company with Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Lex Luger, Mr. Perfect, and an undefeated wrestler in Tatanka, a tag team guy somehow leapfrogged them all for a title shot. Oh well, enjoy it Rikishi...it'll be your last shot at the gold until you turn heel on Austin in 2000. That all comes to us next time, with Week Seven of Monday Night Raw.

Monday Night Raw was preempted by the Westminster Dog Show on USA for the first time in 1993, so Week Five actually comes two weeks after Week Four. And just because I expect you'll want to know, the Best in Show winner for 1993 was Salilyn's Condor, an English Springer Spaniel. With that out of the way, on to the Manhattan Center! We kick off with the Steiner Brothers against returning jobber Glen "Headbanger Thrasher" Ruth and Bobby Who. Immediately after hearing his name, Vince and Rob Bartlett do a "Who's on First?" routine. Ugh. Scott Steiner attempts to murder Ruth with a dragon suplex, dropping him right on his head and folding his body over. It was hideous and careless, and Bobby Who understandably works the remainder of the match, losing to the Steiners' top rope bulldog tandem finisher. During the first match, Macho Man's headset had some weird issue, making him sound like he was on a bad phone line. Savage actually takes Rob Bartlett's headset away and uses it, and we don't hear from Bartlett again for the remainder of the show. HOORAY! After a Wrestlemania Report insert where Mean Gene assures us that Las Vegas is now the "family entertainment capitol of the world", we get our now-weekly Yokozuna Literal Squash Match (tm). This time, he flattens the body and amazingly sculpted mullet of one Ross Greenberg. Vince confuses him for HBO's Mark Greenberg. Hilarious. We get another insert, this time a Special Report with Lord Alfred Hayes. He shows us footage from Superstars of Yokozuna and Hacksaw Jim Duggan in some kind of knockdown challenge, where you had to bump the opponent off their feet with running tackles. Hacksaw is the first wrestler to ever knock Yoko off his feet, winning the challenge. Then, sore loser Yoko tosses a bucket of salt nowhere near Duggan's face, but it blinds him anyway. Then he takes a Bonzai Drop while covered with an American flag and is stretchered out. Yet more video is next, as Vince, Randy, and Silent Rob tell us that Giant Gonzalez will not be participating in tonight's 16-man battle royal because all the other 15 men said they wouldn't get in the ring with him! Really? That is awful cowardly of superfaces like Tatanka and Tito Santana to say. We are shown more footage from Superstars, this time of three random jobbers trying to sell for Giant Gonzalez. Next we have the 16-man Battle Royal for...nothing, really. Bragging rights, I guess. The competitors involved are HBK, Razor Ramon, The Berserker, Bob Backlund, Terry Taylor, Koko B. Ware, Owen Hart, Tito Santana, Tatanka, Skinner, Typhoon, Damien Demento, Kamala, Kim Chee, and Iron Mike Sharpe. That is, of course, 15 men and not 16, so I guess they decided not to replace Gonzalez with anyone. The match is pretty basic, with the only real story being Kim Chee eliminating Kamala, then Kamala running back in and illegally eliminating Chee and chasing him out through the crowd and up into the balcony. The final four in the ring are Razor, HBK, Tatanka and Tito, and Razor and Shawn quickly form a Kliq (get it?) to take out the other two. HBK goes out next, and then Giant Gonzalez comes in and eliminates Tito and Tatanka (Buffalo) illegally, but forgets to eliminate Razor, so he wins by default. A very flat ending to a very flat battle royal that could have really used more star power. Where was Perfect? Where was Luger? And why couldn't Savage have gotten up from the announce booth and taken part for a bit? No idea. The main event is Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake making his return against Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. Both Brutus and Ted look quite flabby, as we are right in the midst of steroid-scandal era WWF. This match is total paint-by-numbers 80's bullshit, with Brutus doing nothing but headlocks and bumping Ted out of the ring, and Ted doing nothing at all. Then Ted's Tag Team Championship coholder IRS comes to the ring and blatantly hits Brutus with a briefcase for the DQ. Money Inc. double team The Barber, but their manager Jimmy Hart comes in to try to talk IRS out of nailing Brutus in his reconstructed face. IRS throws Jimmy down and hits Brutus, who sells his face being destroyed. Jimmy actually consoles Brutus, as he is stretchered away. Vince uses a somber voice to tell us we will get an update on Beefcake after the break. After the break, Vince says Brutus is fine, maybe a broken nose but he's okay. Oh, well then. So much for dramatic tension. Vince tells us that next week, Money Inc. will be here again, and maybe Hulk Hogan will show up to confront them. Also we'll get a six man tag match, as Shawn Michaels and the Beverly Brothers take on the Nasty Boyz and Tatanka (Buffalo). All that and more, when we cover Monday Night Raw Week Six.

For Week Four of Monday Night Raw, we return to the three-man announce team of Vince McMahon, Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett. Since Randy isn't wrestling, Bobby Heenan is nowhere to be found. Because of this, Bartlett is much more talkative this week, but what he says isn't any better. Fire this man. The first contest is Damien Demento vs Tatanka (Buffalo). Tatanka is still in the midst of a very long undefeated streak, so one guess who is going over here. During the match, we get a sizable "We Want Flair" chant. I wonder if this is from the same taping, and he just lost his Loser Leaves match like, five minutes ago? Anyway, Damien "hits" a back elbow that misses by a mile, and that's pretty much the entirety of his offense. Tatanka rain dances and hits the End of the Trail, and gets the three. Also, Rob Bartlett says he had a Ta-Tonka truck as a kid. Boo. We cut to a video from the recent "Headlock on Hunger" show from MSG. Specifically, we see World Champion Bret The Hitman Hart giving an oversized $100,000 check to the American Red Cross. Good stuff. Back in the ring, Vince introduces a man he calls "one of the all-time greats". I begin to think of possible names - Bruno Sammartino? Gorilla Monsoon? Bob Backlund? Lou Thesz? Fabulous Moolah? No...it was Brutus "The Fucking Barber" Beefcake! Jesus. Brutus here is returning from around two years out of wrestling, recovering from a terrible accident where he was hit in the face by the knees of a woman who was parasailing. He had to have his whole face rebuilt with metal and screws. He recounts this accident, and how his parents died not long before the accident, AND how his wife had filed for divorce before the accident. He then says that he asked God to help him survive, and who should arrive at his side...but Hulk Hogan, AKA God. He and Vince praise Hulk for being the best friend ever, and Brutus says he signed an open contract to face anyone, anytime, anywhere. Not a great promo, delivery-wise, but the content was emotional and went over well with the crowd. If you are going to push Brutus up the card, this is probably your best chance ever. Before the next match, we get the return of the Raw ring skanks. This one actually could afford implants. The team of Koko B. Ware and Owen Hart - High Energy, come out to face Von Krus and my all-time favorite jobber Iron Mike Sharpe. High Energy was the thrown together tag team that happened when Jim Neidhart left the company, leaving Owen without a partner. High Energy even wear the same neon Hammer pants that the New Foundation wore. Maybe Koko was the only person in the locker room who could fit Anvil's gear? Anyway, High Energy win in about a minute with a variant of the Hart Attack, with Koko hitting a top rope drop kick on Von Krus, who was held in the spinebuster position by Owen, who then rolls into a pin. Nice. We get a recap video of Doink (the clown) hitting Kona Crush with a fake arm full of batteries. Don't make me try to explain it. Doink (the clown) vs Typhoon is next. Typhoon is the former Tugboat and Shockmaster, who is currently in a tag team with the always great Earthquake as the Natural Disasters. Doink is at the beginning of his run, where his character is a scary, almost schizophrenic heel. The opening of the match sees Doink outwrestle Typhoon with some really creative amateur wrestling combinations and transitions. Very cool, actually. Typhoon never really gets out of the blocks, and Doink wins by holding the tights. However, instead of grabbing a single hand full of trunks around the butt area, Doink grabs two big handfuls of tights right near Typhoon's crotch and pulls hard. Fortunately Typhoon wears generously elastic tights, but it really looked like Doink pulled his scrotum up to his belly button. We get a ten bell salute for Andre the Giant, who had recently passed away. Howard Finkel announces the passing as though it was a championship match, instead of a somber moment, and it sounds really inappropriate. My wife and I discussed what would have been a better way to do this, and we came to the conclusion that they should have had Vince handle this. He is the audience's surrogate, he is Andre's friend, and he could have gotten the gravity of the situation over better than Fink. Next we get Yokozuna literally squashing jobber Bobby DeVito. Not much to say here, except during the match, Vince tries to talk to Hacksaw on the phone, but just gets a dial tone. Shades of Million Dollar Mania. Money Inc. - Irwin R. Schyster and Tex Dibiase - come out to accept Brutus Beefcake's open contract. They flip a coin to see who will wrestle him next week, and Ted wins. Jimmy Hart, their manager, runs out to tell the team that they should be concentrating on preparing for their Tag Team Title defenses, not accepting singles matches where they might get hurt. That is totally correct in a way that things in wrestling never are, to the point where it was weird. Lex Luger enters to some classical music wearing some sort of Lord Zedd metallic cloak. He is now called The Narcissist, instead of "Narcissus" as he was deemed by Bobby Heenan at Royal Rumble. He is facing jobber Jason Knight, who would go on to ECW to join Justin Credible's entourage as Jason, the World's Sexiest Man. Before the match, we get a fat ring girl, ha ha ha. Lex mauls Jason, hits him with the loaded forearm a few times, and pins him with a single pinky finger. Oh, and apparently that was the main event. Huh. Vince lets us know that Raw will be preempted next week for USA Network's annual showing of the Westminster Dog Show (this would happen for years going foreward), so the next episode would be two weeks away. He plugs a 16-man battle Royal for the show, as well as the Brutus Beefcake vs Million Dollar Man match that was made earlier. He also teases that Rob Bartlett might get in the ring and wrestle. Let's hope it is one of Yokozuna's literal squash matches.

We are back in the Manhattan Center for week three of Monday Night Raw. Sean Mooney still can't get inside, as he is standing on the sidewalk next to a tow truck talking to Repo Man. He still has Macho Man's hat from last week, and we are told he also repo'ed Rob Bartlett's car. He should repo his jokes, they seem past their date. We go inside and HOORAY! Bobby Heenan is back on commentary! I guess this is just because Randy is wrestling tonight but I hope he makes an impression on Vince and gets to stay. Throughout the night, he proves he is so much better than Rob Bartlett. He is funny, to be sure, but he is funny in service of the product - forwarding storylines by using his heel persona to tell you who to cheer for, and bantering with Vince in a way Bartlett just cannot. All Bartlett has are Thighmaster references and atrocious Bill Clinton impressions. He cannot be long for this show. Anyway, Repo Man vs Macho Man is our first match, in a battle of guys who should like they should be Masters of the Universe characters. Oh, and also they are fighting over Macho's hat. During the match, Vince mentions that Randy Savage and Repo Man tussled during the previous day's Royal Rumble, which surprised me, as I am pretty sure this show was taped prior to the Rumble, though it aired the next day. I paused and looked back, and Vince was right - Macho eliminated Repo from the match! So this was either some great foresighted booking by the WWF, or they recut Vince's commentary for that segment prior to air. Based on the sound, I suspect the former, but that is very different for a guy like Vince, who often changes his mind on booking ideas the day of major shows. Randy wins in a nothing match where he does all the work, and gets his hat back. It doesn't match the outfit he is wearing tonight. Boo. Then we have Kamala vs the Brooklyn Brawler. Brawler is Steve Lombardi, a perennial jobber in the WWF, who oddly also used to play Kamala's handler, the masked Kim Chee. Now, Kamala is a face, having been "saved" by Reverend Slick. This match is terrible, as are all Kamala matches. Squash, the Ugandan Giant wins, and the crowd are shockingly ecstatic about that. We get a Royal Rumble Post-Report insert, as Mean Gene runs down the major occurrences from the Rumble. Of note is him plugging the VHS release of the show, which he says will be out in one month. That's quite a turnaround. It often took years for my local video stores to get new tapes in. But that's Nowhere, Missouri for you. Finally, we get Ric Flair vs Mr. Perfect in a Loser Leaves the WWF Match. Of course the finish here is in no doubt - Flair was unhappy with his situation in WWF after about two years, and wanted to go back to WCW. The big Hogan/Flair match he wanted never panned out due to poor house show turnouts, his feud with Savage was good, but didn't headline Mania 8 like it likely should have, and he wasn't booked to have a match on Summerslam '92, instead interfering in the Ultimate Warrior/Macho Man match. A resulting tag match and, presumably, a feud with Warrior didn't happen as Warrior left the company again, and finally we get this final feud between Flair and his former "advisor", Mr. Perfect. This match had me in high hopes, as Flair is always great, and Perfect is legendary for his terrific selling. But this match wasn't very good. Perfect did bump around, but Flair did next to nothing. Almost as though he didn't want to get hurt before he returned to WCW. Vince notes at one point that there is some local radio station audio bleeding into the equipment, and you can actually hear some low murmuring in the background from a talk program. We also get next to no comments from Rob Bartlett during the match. Either the radio interference issue also kept his headset from working, or more likely, he was totally outclassed by The Brain, who went into overdrive putting over Flair needing to win and Perfect being an ingrate for turning his back on the Heenan Family. After a blade job by Perfect, Curt Hennig runs wild in a silly spot, where he makes a mad face that looks like crying, stomps around, and hits a running haymaker punch. Perfect is a wonderful heel, but his 80's babyface fire is laughable in present day. Ultimately, Flair walks into a Perfect-Plex and takes the fall. Heenan goes berserk, throwing his headset, unleashing a string of bleeped invectives, and he leaves with Flair, who seems relatively fine with losing his career, as he walks to the back. After the last commercial break, Vince tells us that Ric Flair must honor his obligations through this weekend (read: he probably taped a match for Superstars and they still want to use it), and that next week's main event is a big one. It will be Typhoon from the Natural Disasters tag team against Doink. On the screen, the graphic names him "Doink (the clown)", I guess to differentiate him from all the other guys named Doink. "Oh, the clown one! I expected Doink the Car Insurance Agent!" So, a clown vs a fat weather phenomenon next week, as we continue with Week Four of Monday Night Raw...

The 1993 edition of the Royal Rumble took place at the ARCO Arena in Sacramento, CA, and was the first PPV event to take place during the "Raw Era", with the now-flagship program starting just two weeks prior. The event was headlined by both the traditional Rumble match - with the stipulation that the winner got a title match at Mania showing up for the first time here - and a World Title match between champion Bret Hart and relatively new heel Razor Ramon. Ramon debuted prior to the '92 Survivor Series, and jumped immediately into the main event picture by being allied with Ric Flair. Things I noticed while watching the show: - First off, it was difficult to watch. I found myself unengaged for most of the show. Bad sign right off the bat. - The Steiner Brothers open the show against the jobber Beverly Brothers. Once again I am reminded how, back in 1993, I distinctly recall thinking Scott Steiner was the "high-flying" member of his team, and that Rick was the "power man". Looking at this, Scott already had his Big Poppa Pump body, just not quite as ripped. Rick looked thin by comparison. - HBK wrestled Marty Janetty for the IC Title, with Sherri in a neutral corner. She wore a red strapless gown with a huge skirt slit up to her hip. It was heavy looking, and she had trouble with it all match, not knowing whether to yank up the top to keep her boobs in or pull up the skirts to keep from tripping. She'd end up trying to interfere on Marty's behalf, but she hit the wrong guy and HBK retains. - Bam Bam Bigelow beat the Big Boss Man in a match between two guys that seemed unstuck in time. Bam Bam wrestled at Wrestlemania 4, and here he was back again almost 5 years later. Who would think that in two more years, he'd main event the big show? Meanwhile, Boss Man is winding down his WWF run. He is still kinda over, but he seems out of place in the nascent neon New Generation. Yet, he would be back in 1998 to have perhaps his most successful run as a member of the Corporation, culminating in a match for the World Title at Armageddon 1999. - Bret vs Razor was probably good but I totally checked out and I don't even remember seeing it happen. So maybe it wasn't that good? I believe Hitman won with a Sharpshooter. Yay! - The Rumble match was fun, as they always are. Notable by their absence are like half the guys WWF promoted during those "Royal Rumble Control Center" inserts on Raw. Some reshuffling happened here. There were a few storylines going through the match. First was Ric Flair entering at number 1, just one year after entering at number 3 and winning the match and the World Title. He was feuding with Mr. Perfect, so naturally Perfect dumps him out. This would be, chronologically, Flair's last appearance for the WWF until after WCW closed down. He will be on the next Raw, but that was taped before the Rumble. Because of Flair departing, Bob Backlund was allowed to surpass Flair's record time spent in the Rumble from the previous year to erase him from the books. The Undertaker is, as usual, put over as a favorite to win the match, but he is (illegally) eliminated from the match by the debuting Giant Gonzalez, who wasn't in the match at all. Gonzalez here is wearing his airbrushed bodysuit with furry parts covering the ass and crotch. By Mania 9, the ass will be uncovered. And finally, the Rumble comes down to Yokozuna and Randy Savage. Savage runs wild, culminating in a top rope elbow near the ropes. Then, Macho Man tries to pin Yoko. Savage, a two time WWF champion by this point, is booked to be so stupid that he forgets the rules of the Rumble DURING THE MATCH, and tries to pin him. Wonderful. This only happens so Yokozuna can "kick out" and push Macho up and over the top rope, which would have been impressive if Yoko wasn't so gassed that Randy had to basically throw himself upwards, then out. So, Bret retains the World Title, and is set to face Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9 in Caesar's Palace. I cannot see how this match could possibly be ruined... Next time, we will look at Ric Flair's farewell match on Week Three of Raw.

We continue through 1993 in WWE with Episode Two of Monday Night Raw. This episode includes a show-long storyline involving the Macho Man, as at the open of the show, Repo Man (Barry "Demolition Smash" Darrow) attacks Savage and, no joke, repossesses his hat. Boo. Also, Rob Bartlett is still here, but we get no impressions and less jokes overall. He actually sounds bitter, like maybe he got a talking to from Vince. In-ring, we get three matches this week, and they are mostly better quality than last time. Mr. Perfect defeats "Terrific" Terry Taylor, who is back after a stint in WCW. Taylor is still trying to live down the Red Rooster gimmick, so it seems a bad idea here for him to literally wear the same entrance gear as the Rooster, and come out to the same theme. Oh well, he'd go back south soon enough. Marty Janetty works with Glen Ruth, who would go on to be Headbanger Thrasher a few years later. And in the main event, Ric Flair wrestled El Matador Tito Santana. This match was interesting in the sense of seeing Tito wrestle Flair, but it was a very basic match with no interesting spots, and a DQ finish as Perfect runs out to brawl with Flair. Afterwards, Flair cuts a screaming promo about wanting a "loser leaves WWE" match with Mr. Perfect next week, then hugs a woman in the crowd for no reason. Perfect calmly walks out and politely agrees, which is weird. Also there was a Bret Hart interview, where he promotes the match with Razor Ramon for the title at Sunday's Royal Rumble. He cuts a typical Bret promo - no enthusiasm, no great lines, kinda looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. All in all, this show was way better than the first one. The wrestling was the focus, not the bad jokes and skanky ring girls. Maybe Vince is already meddling with the formula? No matter the reason, it is a relief. Next time, we will take our first trip to PPV in 1993, as we recap the Royal Rumble.

We will explore this more with Episode Two of Monday Night Raw next time...

The trend of "The" names in WWE is annoying (The Club, The Family, The Authority, The New Day), but at least they are finally over the Twilight-inspired trend of "Team" something-or-other (Team Hell No, Team Bella, Team PCB, Team BAD, Team Co-Bro).

…but that won’t happen LOL ROMAN WINS.

Meanwhile, Hillary was sitting in the White House, providing 'low-key advocacy' for Bret Hart's title reign.

That they are doing this shouldn’t surprise us, though. Vince McMahon believes that the answer to any problems with Raw is “more McMahons”. Remember when the ratings first began to fall? Vince showed up on Raw to feud with Roman Reigns. This is the last vestige of the Austin/MacMahon feud - Vince believes MacMahons are the answer to everything. So with problems abounding (as Shane so accurately enumerated last night), why don’t we feud Shane with the Authority? Just wait until he peppers the Undertaker with those Jenna Morasca punches he threw at Orton back in the day…

At least, that's how I'd like to see it go...

3. Scott Hall - Hall is looking better than he has in years, and he would get a huge reaction, especially if Triple H was in the match when he showed up. I think this would be great.

That moment when you see the trailer for the new Tammy "Sunny" Sytch porno...