love;

It made Emma so sad to hear Dante talk down about himself like this. All she wanted was him to be happy, and she had no idea how to make that a reality. Was there any way this could get better? “I’m not worried about you doing anything stupid, sweetheart. I’m not laying with you because I have to, it’s because I want to. I want to be with you,” she told him firmly, refusing to let him believe that she felt obligated to be with him. “The moment I met you I loved you. I’d do anything for you, and I know you’d do the same for me.” Emma sat up, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “I’m just going to check on everyone quick. If you change your mind about food, Enzo, Margot, and Bekah went to get dinner.”

Emma felt astronomically guilty for leaving Dante alone even for a few minutes, but seeing him that way was too much for her to bear. A long, heavy sigh left her before she walked into the kitchen just to take a short break from the situation. “Have they come back yet?” she called weakly into the living room, rubbing her hands over her face, trying to make herself think positively again.

Dante knew he wouldn’t be eating for a while, so her suggestion went with just a little shake of his head. When she finally left, he felt like he could breathe a little better. He hated himself so violently for what he had done. There was no way he could bounce back from this, there was no way -- he and Emma were through. She was probably just saying all this to make him feel better.

“Okay,” Emma repeated, her mind racing as she tried to figure out anything else to say. Anything else to do. Guilt seeped its way into her as she wished for one of Dante’s brothers to tell her that they needed her instead, for something that didn’t involve being in here with Dante right now. It was hard to watch him, but she knew it must be even harder to be him. “I love you,” she reminded him softly. “You’ve gotten through this before. You’ll do it again. I know you will.”

“Okay. Okay, you don’t - you don’t have to. We can…” Emma trailed off, at a loss for words. What else could they do? She wanted nothing more than to help him, but she wasn’t doing anything. Nothing she tried was right. One of his brothers should be in here instead, clearly Jimmy was wrong in saying that Dante needed her. “Is there anything I could get for you?” she asked instead, her voice small as she attempted in any way to pull through for him. 

All Emma wanted was to make Dante feel better in some way, though it was proving to be much harder than she thought it would be. She was feeling useless, feeling that Jimmy was wrong. She wasn’t enough to help him. Maybe not even to make him feel a little bit better. “Do you want to try and sleep a little while? It might help you feel a little better. And I’ll be here when you wake up,” she offered softly. 

Emma trailed her fingers along his back, trying to be as comforting as possible. The feeling of him shivering against her was only breaking her heart over and over again, waiting so badly to take away even an ounce of his pain. “It’s okay, love. It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize,” she assured him softly, letting her fingers travel up his back and scratch gently at the back of his head, through his hair. “Just try to relax, baby. I’m here. I’m not mad. You’re safe with me,” she promised.

The instant Dante asked her to lay down with him, Emma adjusted her position on the bed, affirming him with a soft, “okay.” Lying down next to him, she trailed her fingers over his arm gently, wanting nothing more than to just kiss all of this away. Obviously she wasn’t going to be able to do much to help him besides just be there. So, she did just that - she was just there. She let him hold her as tight as he needed to, and kept her fingers running along his skin. 

She couldn’t deny that his words hurt, never wanting to hear him say that. However, she knew it wasn’t coming from an honest place, causing her to just try and ignore it instead. When Emma said that he couldn’t drive her away, she meant it. It hurt her heart so badly to see him look so small, shaking and curled up next to her. He didn’t push her away or tell her to stop when she touched his cheek, so she carefully pulled him closer to her, drawing him in so his head rested on her lap. 

Her thumb brushed his tears away as soon as she felt them before her fingers ran through his hair, fingernails lightly scratching his scalp in the soothing gesture. “You can let go, sweetheart,” she encouraged softly. “If you want space after, I’ll give you space, but I’m going to ride this out with you because you need to break down before you feel better. You’re safe. It’s just us.”

Emma instantly shook her head at his words. “No, I’m not,” she replied firmly, not wanting to let him convince himself that he was too dangerous for her, or anything like that. Though, it seemed as if he already had. “I wasn’t coming into this blind. You told me a long time ago anything that would have already made me leave if I was going to leave. You’ve gotten clean before, Dante, you can do it again. We’re all here to help, we all want to get you help. ” She decided not to mention that she’d been naive enough to think that this would all be behind him. That she hadn’t let herself consider the possibility of a relapse, even after all of the stress he’d been under. 

One hand came up to cup his cheek gently and carefully, still refusing to let him try and send her away. Refuse to let him distance himself from her. “I love you and care about you on purpose. You can think that I’m wrong or delusional for it, I don’t care. I’ve told you before, the way you think of yourself or the way you think that I should feel about you doesn’t change anything. If you can’t love yourself right now I can love you hard enough for the both of us, but you’re not going to convince me to feel any differently about you.”

“I don’t want you here, I don’t want you...” he said with as much conviction as he could, but the phrase got weaker and weaker with every word. He wanted Emma more than anything else in the world, but he knew it wasn’t good. He wasn’t good. His shaking was getting worse so he crossed his arms tight to try and fix it. Curled up on his side, Dante wanted to scream and cry and disappear all at once.

“No,” Emma replied, firm but gentle. She wasn’t going to let him try to convince her to leave, and she absolutely wasn’t going to let him try and convince her that he was bad. This was the love of her life, her soulmate, she wouldn’t give that up at the first suggestion. “You are good. You are. Of course you are.”

She sighed, wanting to touch him again but not knowing if she should, having felt the way he froze when she’d touched his forehead. “Even if you don’t feel good about yourself right now, I know you’re good. You’re good and you’re sweet and you care too much about everyone else to let us know when you need help. But we want to help you - I want to help you. And you deserve help.” her voice remained gentle, but she didn’t want him to think that she didn’t mean what she said. “I’m so sorry I never made you feel like you could tell me when things were getting bad for you.“

“You’re deluded,” he said. “Really deluded. And it’s not your fault, you never should’ve been mixed up with any of this. I should’ve kept myself away from you from the start.” There was nothing that he haded himself more for. Killing people? Sure, whatever. Hurting Emma? He’d never live it down.

He clearly wasn’t accepting her company, but he didn’t give her a verbal ‘no’, so Emma decided to take that silence as consent to come into the room. Her steps were cautious and careful as she walked over to him, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. She wasn’t sure what to say or what would help, but she’d do anything she could to comfort him.

“How are you feeling?” she asked softly, her hand coming up to gently brush hair away from his forehead. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it. That’s okay. But I’m not going to let you shut me out. I’m here and I’m staying.”

Her words hurt him more than he thought. The fact that he was just letting her stay when it just wasn't safe for her; it made him sick to think about. She touched his forehead and Dante froze.

Guilt was still coursing through her, even if Jimmy’s words put her slightly at ease, but Emma was sure that feeling wouldn’t go away for some time. Regardless, if Jimmy thought that she should go in to check on Dante, she’d trust his judgement. If he thought that she wouldn’t make it any worse, then she didn’t need to get in her own head about it. She simply nodded at Jimmy’s directions, taking a deep breath before she went to Dante’s bedroom. 

She knocked on the door before she entered, closing the door behind her. “Sweetheart? Do you mind if I come in for a bit?” she asked softly, walking just to the foot of the bed before stopping. If he still wasn’t feeling well she’d leave him alone, but she hoped there was anything she could do to help.

He didn’t respond to the sound of the door opening, or to Emma’s soft voice. The mere soprano of her brought tears to his eyes. He hated himself so intensely he thought he’d die. Instead of speaking, he curled up a little smaller and squeezed his eyes shut- a silent ‘go away.’ He didn’t want her to see him like this.

Emma frowned lightly at Jimmy telling her to let everything rest. That was the last thing she wanted to do. The more time she spent taking a breath or resting or whatever else, the more time she had to consider everything she could’ve done to stopped this from happening. She needed to be doing something, needed to be moving so she didn’t concentrate on that picture in her head. “I don’t - I don’t want to rest. I don’t think I can,” she replied honestly, biting at the inside of her cheek.

His comment made her shake her head. “No, it’s not - it’s not like you’re around him all the time. And you’ve been going through quite a lot yourself,” she replied. It wasn’t like Emma had that good of a grasp on what Jimmy had been through or what had happened to him before he returned to Rome, she hadn’t even met him before that, but she’d gathered enough vague details from Dante and Bekah to know that it would be enough to distract him from things going on with Dante. Especially if he was hiding them well. “I’m the one who’s with him all the time. I’m the one who - God, I - I’m really sorry. I should’ve, like, when he told me that this was something he’d struggled with I should’ve been more aware of what to look for. I should’ve… it’s not an excuse to not know what to look for… I should’ve known.” Emma felt horrible, she hadn’t wanted to blame herself, she hadn’t wanted to blame anyone, but it was hard not to apologize to Jimmy. She shouldn’t have been so naive, so ignorant.

Jimmy: He shook his head. "It would have been impossible to know; you wouldn't know what you were looking for and that's a perfectly good excuse. Dante might be more emotional than myself or Enzo, but it takes a mind-reader to know when he's slipping away. He's too considerate of other people's feelings to let them see when he's hurting, but he's so self-depracating that he doesn't realize that the very same act hurts us all the same." This was something Jimmy had quickly realized in the boy because he did the same, as did Enzo. With a life like theirs, pushing things down was necessary. "Go check on him. I think he probably needs you more than we think."

Bekah: She smiled softly at Jimmy when he kissed her cheek, just hoping that a break would give everyone a chance to calm down and regroup. “I love you. We’ll be back in a bit,” she replied, directing the last part at both him and Emma. It still worried her to have the two of them alone to ruminate on the situation and exist in their guilt. But, if he thought this was how they should proceed, she would trust him.

Margot: Enzo passed them to go to the car and she turned to Emma and Jimmy one more time before following him. Taking a little time away from the situation would hopefully be good for him, she wanted him to give himself a chance to let himself fully react to the situation, but she didn’t know if that would happen quite yet. Either way, she was ready to deal with any of it. “Let us know if you guys need anything else, okay?” Margot requested, looking between Jimmy and Emma before following Enzo to the car.

Emma: As everyone said their goodbyes, she didn’t say much of anything, just nodding at what Margot and Bekah said to her. It wasn’t any more quiet with three people out of the apartment, but she did feel their absence. She was just happy that Jimmy didn’t tell her to leave too, she wouldn’t have been able to argue with him. She was getting antsy to go check on Dante, but she wouldn’t until Jimmy told her that she could. The last thing she wanted was to somehow make this worse. Still, she found herself glancing longingly at Dante’s bedroom door, wanting to do more. “I can, um, I’ll see if I can find an extra pillow and blanket for you if you’re taking the couch,” she finally spoke, needing something to occupy herself with as she waited for the half hour he gave her to pass. She was going to drive herself crazy just standing here, and she found herself aching to apologize to Jimmy for not recognizing any warning signs in Dante to somehow prevent this. 

Jimmy: Once the others left, he looked over at Emma as she spoke. “Don’t worry about it,” he told her gently. “Take a breath. You were given quite a scary thing to walk into, so you really need to let it all rest. Because it’s not going to get any easier, and that picture won’t leave your head for quite some time.” He should know. The sight of Dante back when they were just a bit younger- he was so skinny and bruised and pale- a ghost of himself. Sick all the time, barely alive. “I just can’t believe I didn’t see... after going through it all to help him the first time, I didn’t even notice he was falling off again.”

Margot: His insistence still didn’t persuade her,  and obviously it hadn’t persuaded Enzo either. Everyone was still tense, nothing had been solved, and suggesting that everyone leave didn’t seem like the best solution to make everyone feel better. All they wanted was to see Dante okay, everyone had the same goal. They just didn’t know how to go about it, clearly. “We’re coming back,” Margot stated definitively, unsure if it would do anything to calm Enzo’s anger. “Everyone obviously needs some time to fucking cool off, so we’ll - uh, yeah, we can go get dinner, and we’ll bring something back for you guys. But we’re coming back, you guys need to eat too anyway,” she still wasn’t sure about the plans being made, but it at least sounded like she knew what she was doing. “You’re right, having all five of us here is probably overwhelming and all that, but wouldn’t it also kind of look like we don’t give a shit if we just up and go on vacation?”

Bekah: Seeing everyone fight definitely didn’t make her feel good, if she wasn’t tense before having Enzo getting all worked up was making her feel worried. “We’ll go get food for everyone. And then we can work out whatever comes next, but Margot’s right - we’ll all take a break for a little bit,” she was trying to agree with everyone, not wanting anyone to be fighting. That wasn’t going to help anything, and especially not in the same apartment that Dante was still in. though, she obviously didn’t blame them for being high strung. 

Emma: “I’m good. I’m not hungry,” she replied quietly in response to Margot and Bekah’s insistence than they would bring back food. “Just, um, let me know what you guys decide, I guess. When or if you’re coming back. But we, uh, we should all calm down. As much as we can,” she added, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Jimmy: Jimmy was about to argue with Margot, to tell her that Dante wouldn’t think they didn’t give a shit, but he wasn’t going to bother with it. The last thing they needed was more fighting and bullshit. He nodded and walked them all out. He didn’t want them all to just sit around feeling useless, but he understood their desire to stick around. Whatever the case, he wouldn’t let them bombard Dante and he wouldn’t let Dante feel like his family was abandoning him either. “See you soon,” he murmured to Bekah, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek.

Enzo: He knew that both Jimmy and Margot were right in their own ways, but frankly he didn’t have the energy to try and play mediator anymore. He started towards the door without a word, crossing through and down to his car so he could follow Bekah back to her house.

Margot: Jimmy spoke with enough conviction that she was nearly convinced, but there were still red flags raised in her mind. There was no fucking way Enzo would want to go on vacation now, and it wasn’t like she was going to fight for it. It was definitely starting to dawn on her that with the amount of shit that happened in this family, the probability of Enzo and her ever being able to take some time away and not feel guilty about it were very low. “I don’t - I mean, I don’t think we should leave,” she looked to Enzo, expecting him to agree. “We shouldn’t leave like, leave on vacation. We can obviously give him some space, or give you all some space, but we shouldn’t go far. Not when everything is still, you know… sort of hectic.”

Bekah: She really didn’t believe for a second that Jimmy would be fine here. Sure, he could handle the situation, she knew he knew what he was doing, but she also knew he would be taking care of everyone else and forget to take care of himself. He was far too self-sacrificing to take all of this on by himself, but she also didn’t want to argue with him when he clearly had this plan laid out in his mind. Once he had a plan, he usually stuck to it pretty hard. “I’m going to come back to check on you guys tonight, but I’m gonna go home and take a shower and stuff,” she replied, deciding on the compromise herself. Emma and Jimmy had a long night ahead of them, and she wanted to be there for both of them. But, she didn’t want to completely contradict Jimmy’s plan either. This seemed like the best solution.

Emma: “Okay… Yeah, I know, that - that sounds good,” she agreed quietly, clearly still more in her head than she was involved in the conversation. It made her nervous for everyone to leave. Jimmy was the initial person she called, and he was the one she saw as someone who could fix everything - but having everyone else here was slightly comforting. Enzo obviously knew what he was talking about, and the two girls were her close friends. It still worried her that she was only going to make things worse, and to have the number of people who could help depleting wasn’t making her feel much better.

Jimmy: At Margot’s protests, he shook his head. “There isn’t enough for all of us to do- it’s one person, one boy we’re talking about. Five of us all on him will just make him more paranoid. The first time we did this, it was just me and Enzo caring for him. With the assistance of doctors, we’ll be bored. Seriously guys- fucking one of us should be happy and carefree, it might as well be you two.” He gave a smile. “Go, go have fun somewhere. Or stay in Italy, I don’t care, but just... I don’t want all this to fall on you guys when you were on the way to having your much-deserved fun.”

Enzo: He shook his head, getting indignant. “Fuck that, Jimmy, we’re staying here. At the very least we’ll stay in a different place, but there’s no way I’m abandoning my brother to go on a fucking vacation,” he spat. Jimmy walked over and gripped Enzo’s shoulder. Coaching him to be calm. 

Jimmy: “Why don’t you two go with Bekah, get some dinner for yourselves. Emma and I will be perfectly fine here.” He gave Enzo a look that said he probably should agree. He didn’t like to do this, he didn’t like bossing them around, but he was the one that got Dante clean the first time, and he was the one tasked with protecting his family. He was the next in line, right? It was his job to take care of them.

Bekah: Her eyes were trained on Dante as Enzo and Jimmy described the help they were going to get for him, waiting to see if he would have any reaction. She would understand if he was upset or resistant - it all had to be a lot to take in. What was worse than that, though, was him not denying help because he was overwhelmed or didn’t want it, but because he was afraid of hurting them. “Dante, you don’t - you don’t have to worry about hurting us, we don’t want you to be hurting.. We don’t want you to leave, we don’t feel obligated to be here or anything like that.”

Margot: “She’s right. The last thing we want is for you to leave,” Margot finally chimed in. “And we’re not going anywhere either, so that’s off the table too. Like Enzo said, you’re not alone here.” Regardless of how close she was with Dante, he had to know that his brothers wouldn’t just let him leave, right? And Emma… well, he wasn’t even looking at Emma. 

Emma: Though she kept looking at Dante, she was very aware that once he looked up at them he didn’t look at her. The idea of him leaving broke her heart, but she knew that no one would let him go off on his own. It was already hurting her that he couldn’t even look at her. It would drive her crazy if she was completely unable to comfort him, unable to help at all. His family already assumed she wouldn’t want to stick around. This was all too much, she couldn’t even say anything to try and help.

Enzo: He watched Dante, who was getting antsy and anxious- he was shaking like mad. Then, he looked around at everyone else, who were all staring at Dante. The boy needed to be alone, or at least without five pairs of eyes all trained on him. “You’re not leaving Dante,” he started, “and we will make sure of that. Right now, I think the best thing to do is sleep everything off and we’ll start figuring out the actual logistics once the worst of it all has passed. You can’t think straight, not in this condition.” His voice was even and level- almost fatherlike and caring. By god he was going to get this boy through it all. 

Jimmy: He sighed. He wanted to fight Enzo on this one, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he was right. “You don’t need an intervention. You need rest.” He looked over at Dante, who was shaking. “Go take a breath, we’ll be in and out.”

Dante: He kept his gaze trained down, his shivering getting the better of him. Tears burned in his eyes, he wanted to get high so fucking bad he’d do anything. But Enzo and Jimmy were giving him permission to leave, and he would take it. He got up and left the room to his bedroom and shut the door. Once he was alone he climbed into bed and buried his face in his pillow, letting the tears finally fall.

Bekah: She nodded at his apology, her heart hurting for him at the sound of his voice. “We know you’re sorry, it’s okay,” she agreed with Enzo and Jimmy, hoping Dante would at least be at a point where he could know that all of them just wanted to help him. He was already clearly going through it, he didn’t need to also worry about how they were feeling about him. “We just want to know what you need from us to help you, we’re all here to stay.” She didn’t want to single herself or anyone else out, wanting him to know that the entire family was here to help.

Margot: Enzo hadn’t mentioned that he’d found anywhere that could get Dante help, but she wondered if anyone was going to suggest or mention that they were looking to get him professional help. Obviously, she wouldn’t be the one - it wasn’t her place, but she did wonder when the right time to tell him was. Clearly there was a lot going on right now, and Jimmy and Enzo knew better than she would. Her fingers trailed gently up and down Enzo’s back as she stood next to him, hoping to help in at least a small way. It would be some time before Enzo revealed how much this was affecting him, she knew that, but she wanted to offer some comfort as they entered a difficult conversation.

Emma: She thought it was impossible for her heart to break any more, but he sounded just as exhausted as he looked, and it hurt her so badly to know just how much he was hurting. All she wanted was to take care of him, find out how to make this all go away. It wasn’t that easy, she wasn’t naive enough to think that, but she could hope. “We’re all here to help you, but if you don’t want to talk to everyone at once, or you need a minute we understand too. We just want what’s best for you,” she added softly. It had to be overwhelming to immediately walk into a room of five other people right after what he’d been dealing with - especially when he’d only known that Jimmy and Emma were there until he came in. There was that element of entering a room knowing everyone had just been discussing you, which was never a good feeling, and she wouldn’t blame him for needing a bit of space, or not wanting to deal with everyone at once.

Enzo: “Not only do we want to care for you, we also found some options... to ensure this doesn’t happen to you again. Doctors that might be able to help you work through all of this. No one wants you to feel like you’re alone.” Although, if he were Dante, that’s exactly what he would want to feel.

Jimmy: “It’s not as scary as it sounds, I’m sure,” he added. No talk of totally institutionalizing Dante; that was sure to freak the kid out. Looking at the redhead, his heart ached and he started fiddling with his watch again. Dante didn’t deserve all this heartache, all this anxiety and fear. Dante was a good person, he deserved to be happy just like the rest of them.