innocent

Dante knew he wouldn’t be eating for a while, so her suggestion went with just a little shake of his head. When she finally left, he felt like he could breathe a little better. He hated himself so violently for what he had done. There was no way he could bounce back from this, there was no way – he and Emma were through. She was probably just saying all this to make him feel better.

Jimmy: He glanced up as Emma walked through to the kitchen. “No, they should be back in a few,” he replied with a little shrug. He got up from the chair and strolled to the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe. “How is he?”

At first, Emma wanted to stay optimistic for the rest of the family. She put on a small smile when Jimmy walked toward her, knowing that while this was hard for her, it was harder for his family. Regardless, it was hard for her. “He’s, um... well, he seems a little better, I guess. Better than when I got here.” She sighed, her face falling as she shrugged. “Honestly, I have no idea. I don’t know what’s good or what’s bad, I’m - I’m in way over my head. He’s not throwing up or acting like he’s, you know, out of his mind, but he’s still not acting like... him. You know?” Surely he knew what she was talking about. He was the one who had been through this before, and she was the one who seemed to just be getting in their way. 

She had way too much faith in him. There was no recovery- not really, anyway. It was getting back to stable and then walking that tightrope for as long as humanly possible until he inevitably relapsed again. There was no such thing as getting better. Dante sniffed and ran a hand through his hair, separating them slightly so he wasn’t clinging to her so tight. “You… you don’t have to stay if it’s too much. I understand- if you just wanted to go somewhere else for a while. I can’t do anything stupid from here and you should be more comfortable.”

It made Emma so sad to hear Dante talk down about himself like this. All she wanted was him to be happy, and she had no idea how to make that a reality. Was there any way this could get better? “I’m not worried about you doing anything stupid, sweetheart. I’m not laying with you because I have to, it’s because I want to. I want to be with you,” she told him firmly, refusing to let him believe that she felt obligated to be with him. “The moment I met you I loved you. I’d do anything for you, and I know you’d do the same for me.” Emma sat up, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “I’m just going to check on everyone quick. If you change your mind about food, Enzo, Margot, and Bekah went to get dinner.”

He shook his head. “I’m fine.” There was nothing Emma could do – she couldn’t turn back time and kick his ass for thinking, even for a second, that getting high again would fix him. There was nothing that anyone could do. He just had to wait.

“No, god no, I’ll- I’ll never sleep,” he answered, anxiety dripping from his words. “If I sleep… I’ll never get better.” The nightmares- he couldn’t do it, especially not with Emma in the goddamn room with her. He’d be a mess – even more of a mess, more like.

Just being there with her was starting to help him calm down, but then he would think about how this was probably affecting her, and it killed him all over again. He needed to reign it all back in, he needed to learn to control himself again. Getting high after so long hit a total reset on him, and it fucking sucked. It was all his fault.

When Emma joined him, he pulled her in close and buried his face in the crook of her neck. He was so grateful that she was there for him, no matter how much it killed him. He was hurting her deeply, yet he needed her still. He truly was a monster. “I’m sorry,” he croaked, his whole body wracking with shivers.

He just couldn’t be strong anymore, he couldn’t handle another second of pretending like he wasn’t dying before Emma’s very eyes. “Please lay down with me,” he whispered. He just needed to pull her into his arms, he needed to feel her like an extension of himself. It was the only way he’d feel like himself. Maybe Dante never would be better again, but if he just gave up the fight he might start mending.

“I don’t want you here, I don’t want you…” he said with as much conviction as he could, but the phrase got weaker and weaker with every word. He wanted Emma more than anything else in the world, but he knew it wasn’t good. He wasn’t good. His shaking was getting worse so he crossed his arms tight to try and fix it. Curled up on his side, Dante wanted to scream and cry and disappear all at once.

Her hand on his cheek brought tears out of him, he stifled a sob the best he could. Dante was barely holding on, just barely – he needed her. He hated himself for needing her so badly.

She couldn’t deny that his words hurt, never wanting to hear him say that. However, she knew it wasn’t coming from an honest place, causing her to just try and ignore it instead. When Emma said that he couldn’t drive her away, she meant it. It hurt her heart so badly to see him look so small, shaking and curled up next to her. He didn’t push her away or tell her to stop when she touched his cheek, so she carefully pulled him closer to her, drawing him in so his head rested on her lap. 

“You’re deluded,” he said. “Really deluded. And it’s not your fault, you never should’ve been mixed up with any of this. I should’ve kept myself away from you from the start.” There was nothing that he haded himself more for. Killing people? Sure, whatever. Hurting Emma? He’d never live it down.

Her persistence was charming and lovable, but sorely misplaced. Dante was nothing, he was nothing. He was dangerous and hopeless. Emma was good and soft and beautiful, she’d only get dragged through the mud with him. 

Emma instantly shook her head at his words. “No, I’m not,” she replied firmly, not wanting to let him convince himself that he was too dangerous for her, or anything like that. Though, it seemed as if he already had. “I wasn’t coming into this blind. You told me a long time ago anything that would have already made me leave if I was going to leave. You’ve gotten clean before, Dante, you can do it again. We’re all here to help, we all want to get you help. ” She decided not to mention that she’d been naive enough to think that this would all be behind him. That she hadn’t let herself consider the possibility of a relapse, even after all of the stress he’d been under. 

Her words hurt him more than he thought. The fact that he was just letting her stay when it just wasn’t safe for her; it made him sick to think about. She touched his forehead and Dante froze.

“You shouldn’t stay,” Dante said, his voice quiet and weak. “I’m not good, I’m not good for you.” He never was; he had just been lying to himself all this time. Pretending it could work. Hoping that he could get past all his awful aspects and pray she’d be fine with it all. It was stupid for him to even try.

“No,” Emma replied, firm but gentle. She wasn’t going to let him try to convince her to leave, and she absolutely wasn’t going to let him try and convince her that he was bad. This was the love of her life, her soulmate, she wouldn’t give that up at the first suggestion. “You are good. You are. Of course you are.”

He didn’t respond to the sound of the door opening, or to Emma’s soft voice. The mere soprano of her brought tears to his eyes. He hated himself so intensely he thought he’d die. Instead of speaking, he curled up a little smaller and squeezed his eyes shut- a silent ‘go away.’ He didn’t want her to see him like this.

But the deeper part of him wanted her there- he wanted her love, her comfort. He knew overwhelmingly that he didn’t deserve it, but he wanted it. Wanted her. More than anything, he wanted her. 

He clearly wasn’t accepting her company, but he didn’t give her a verbal ‘no’, so Emma decided to take that silence as consent to come into the room. Her steps were cautious and careful as she walked over to him, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. She wasn’t sure what to say or what would help, but she’d do anything she could to comfort him. 

Jimmy: He shook his head. “It would have been impossible to know; you wouldn’t know what you were looking for and that’s a perfectly good excuse. Dante might be more emotional than myself or Enzo, but it takes a mind-reader to know when he’s slipping away. He’s too considerate of other people’s feelings to let them see when he’s hurting, but he’s so self-depracating that he doesn’t realize that the very same act hurts us all the same.” This was something Jimmy had quickly realized in the boy because he did the same, as did Enzo. With a life like theirs, pushing things down was necessary. “Go check on him. I think he probably needs you more than we think.”

Dante: He squeezed his eyes shut and wanted all of it to go away like a bad dream. Maybe if he hoped hard enough, it could all be over with. He didn’t want to face Emma either- hopefully she saw how dangerous he was and left him without a goodbye. It’d hurt more than anything, but at least she’d be safe from him.

Guilt was still coursing through her, even if Jimmy’s words put her slightly at ease, but Emma was sure that feeling wouldn’t go away for some time. Regardless, if Jimmy thought that she should go in to check on Dante, she’d trust his judgement. If he thought that she wouldn’t make it any worse, then she didn’t need to get in her own head about it. She simply nodded at Jimmy’s directions, taking a deep breath before she went to Dante’s bedroom. 

Jimmy: Once the others left, he looked over at Emma as she spoke. “Don’t worry about it,” he told her gently. “Take a breath. You were given quite a scary thing to walk into, so you really need to let it all rest. Because it’s not going to get any easier, and that picture won’t leave your head for quite some time.” He should know. The sight of Dante back when they were just a bit younger- he was so skinny and bruised and pale- a ghost of himself. Sick all the time, barely alive. “I just can’t believe I didn’t see… after going through it all to help him the first time, I didn’t even notice he was falling off again.”

Dante: Once he could get a hold of himself a little, he tried to get his focus onto something that would make him feel better. He couldn’t think of anything other than more, more drugs, more good feelings, but he was sure they got rid of all his stuff. He shouldn’t be upset that they did, they were just looking out for him.

Emma frowned lightly at Jimmy telling her to let everything rest. That was the last thing she wanted to do. The more time she spent taking a breath or resting or whatever else, the more time she had to consider everything she could’ve done to stopped this from happening. She needed to be doing something, needed to be moving so she didn’t concentrate on that picture in her head. “I don’t - I don’t want to rest. I don’t think I can,” she replied honestly, biting at the inside of her cheek. 

Jimmy: Jimmy was about to argue with Margot, to tell her that Dante wouldn’t think they didn’t give a shit, but he wasn’t going to bother with it. The last thing they needed was more fighting and bullshit. He nodded and walked them all out. He didn’t want them all to just sit around feeling useless, but he understood their desire to stick around. Whatever the case, he wouldn’t let them bombard Dante and he wouldn’t let Dante feel like his family was abandoning him either. “See you soon,” he murmured to Bekah, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek.

Enzo: He knew that both Jimmy and Margot were right in their own ways, but frankly he didn’t have the energy to try and play mediator anymore. He started towards the door without a word, crossing through and down to his car so he could follow Bekah back to her house.

Dante: He finally let himself fall apart, and part of him ached for someone to be with him. But he knew his only options were the very people he didn’t want to be around, the very people he’d disappointed, ruined. He was a disappointment.

Bekah: She smiled softly at Jimmy when he kissed her cheek, just hoping that a break would give everyone a chance to calm down and regroup. “I love you. We’ll be back in a bit,” she replied, directing the last part at both him and Emma. It still worried her to have the two of them alone to ruminate on the situation and exist in their guilt. But, if he thought this was how they should proceed, she would trust him.

Margot: Enzo passed them to go to the car and she turned to Emma and Jimmy one more time before following him. Taking a little time away from the situation would hopefully be good for him, she wanted him to give himself a chance to let himself fully react to the situation, but she didn’t know if that would happen quite yet. Either way, she was ready to deal with any of it. “Let us know if you guys need anything else, okay?” Margot requested, looking between Jimmy and Emma before following Enzo to the car.

Jimmy: At Margot’s protests, he shook his head. “There isn’t enough for all of us to do- it’s one person, one boy we’re talking about. Five of us all on him will just make him more paranoid. The first time we did this, it was just me and Enzo caring for him. With the assistance of doctors, we’ll be bored. Seriously guys- fucking one of us should be happy and carefree, it might as well be you two.” He gave a smile. “Go, go have fun somewhere. Or stay in Italy, I don’t care, but just… I don’t want all this to fall on you guys when you were on the way to having your much-deserved fun.”

Enzo: He shook his head, getting indignant. “Fuck that, Jimmy, we’re staying here. At the very least we’ll stay in a different place, but there’s no way I’m abandoning my brother to go on a fucking vacation,” he spat. Jimmy walked over and gripped Enzo’s shoulder. Coaching him to be calm. 

Jimmy: “Why don’t you two go with Bekah, get some dinner for yourselves. Emma and I will be perfectly fine here.” He gave Enzo a look that said he probably should agree. He didn’t like to do this, he didn’t like bossing them around, but he was the one that got Dante clean the first time, and he was the one tasked with protecting his family. He was the next in line, right? It was his job to take care of them.

Dante: He could hear the discussion going on outside and it took everything in him not to go out there and intervene. Instead he sobbed into his pillow- everything fucking hurt, but nothing ached more than his head and his heart. He disappointed them all, now they were fighting, and it was all his fault.

Margot: His insistence still didn’t persuade her,  and obviously it hadn’t persuaded Enzo either. Everyone was still tense, nothing had been solved, and suggesting that everyone leave didn’t seem like the best solution to make everyone feel better. All they wanted was to see Dante okay, everyone had the same goal. They just didn’t know how to go about it, clearly. “We’re coming back,” Margot stated definitively, unsure if it would do anything to calm Enzo’s anger. “Everyone obviously needs some time to fucking cool off, so we’ll - uh, yeah, we can go get dinner, and we’ll bring something back for you guys. But we’re coming back, you guys need to eat too anyway,” she still wasn’t sure about the plans being made, but it at least sounded like she knew what she was doing. “You’re right, having all five of us here is probably overwhelming and all that, but wouldn’t it also kind of look like we don’t give a shit if we just up and go on vacation?”

Bekah: Seeing everyone fight definitely didn’t make her feel good, if she wasn’t tense before having Enzo getting all worked up was making her feel worried. “We’ll go get food for everyone. And then we can work out whatever comes next, but Margot’s right - we’ll all take a break for a little bit,” she was trying to agree with everyone, not wanting anyone to be fighting. That wasn’t going to help anything, and especially not in the same apartment that Dante was still in. though, she obviously didn’t blame them for being high strung. 

Enzo: He watched Dante, who was getting antsy and anxious- he was shaking like mad. Then, he looked around at everyone else, who were all staring at Dante. The boy needed to be alone, or at least without five pairs of eyes all trained on him. “You’re not leaving Dante,” he started, “and we will make sure of that. Right now, I think the best thing to do is sleep everything off and we’ll start figuring out the actual logistics once the worst of it all has passed. You can’t think straight, not in this condition.” His voice was even and level- almost fatherlike and caring. By god he was going to get this boy through it all. 

Jimmy: He sighed. He wanted to fight Enzo on this one, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he was right. “You don’t need an intervention. You need rest.” He looked over at Dante, who was shaking. “Go take a breath, we’ll be in and out.”

Dante: He kept his gaze trained down, his shivering getting the better of him. Tears burned in his eyes, he wanted to get high so fucking bad he’d do anything. But Enzo and Jimmy were giving him permission to leave, and he would take it. He got up and left the room to his bedroom and shut the door. Once he was alone he climbed into bed and buried his face in his pillow, letting the tears finally fall.

Jimmy: He looked around at the family that remained. He stood, becoming that patriarchal figure they all kinda needed in such a situation where there was no stability. “I’m sleeping on the couch. Enzo, Margot, you two should just go enjoy your vacation. God knows you two need it, and I have everything covered here. Bekah, love, you should go home and get rest as well; you’ve had a long day and I’ll be back home before you know it.” Jimmy looked at Emma. “Emma… give him a half hour to himself, then go in to check on him. He’s ashamed of himself, he’s not upset at you.”

Margot: Jimmy spoke with enough conviction that she was nearly convinced, but there were still red flags raised in her mind. There was no fucking way Enzo would want to go on vacation now, and it wasn’t like she was going to fight for it. It was definitely starting to dawn on her that with the amount of shit that happened in this family, the probability of Enzo and her ever being able to take some time away and not feel guilty about it were very low. “I don’t - I mean, I don’t think we should leave,” she looked to Enzo, expecting him to agree. “We shouldn’t leave like, leave on vacation. We can obviously give him some space, or give you all some space, but we shouldn’t go far. Not when everything is still, you know... sort of hectic.”

Bekah: She really didn’t believe for a second that Jimmy would be fine here. Sure, he could handle the situation, she knew he knew what he was doing, but she also knew he would be taking care of everyone else and forget to take care of himself. He was far too self-sacrificing to take all of this on by himself, but she also didn’t want to argue with him when he clearly had this plan laid out in his mind. Once he had a plan, he usually stuck to it pretty hard. “I’m going to come back to check on you guys tonight, but I’m gonna go home and take a shower and stuff,” she replied, deciding on the compromise herself. Emma and Jimmy had a long night ahead of them, and she wanted to be there for both of them. But, she didn’t want to completely contradict Jimmy’s plan either. This seemed like the best solution.

Enzo: “Not only do we want to care for you, we also found some options… to ensure this doesn’t happen to you again. Doctors that might be able to help you work through all of this. No one wants you to feel like you’re alone.” Although, if he were Dante, that’s exactly what he would want to feel.

Jimmy: “It’s not as scary as it sounds, I’m sure,” he added. No talk of totally institutionalizing Dante; that was sure to freak the kid out. Looking at the redhead, his heart ached and he started fiddling with his watch again. Dante didn’t deserve all this heartache, all this anxiety and fear. Dante was a good person, he deserved to be happy just like the rest of them.

Dante: For the first time, he looked up a little to see the people around him. He still wouldn’t look at Emma, but his brothers and their women, he could face them. “I…. I don’t know what I want.” His gaze returned to his hands. “I should probably just… just leave- before I hurt you all again.”

Bekah: Her eyes were trained on Dante as Enzo and Jimmy described the help they were going to get for him, waiting to see if he would have any reaction. She would understand if he was upset or resistant - it all had to be a lot to take in. What was worse than that, though, was him not denying help because he was overwhelmed or didn’t want it, but because he was afraid of hurting them. “Dante, you don’t - you don’t have to worry about hurting us, we don’t want you to be hurting.. We don’t want you to leave, we don’t feel obligated to be here or anything like that.”

Margot: “She’s right. The last thing we want is for you to leave,” Margot finally chimed in. “And we’re not going anywhere either, so that’s off the table too. Like Enzo said, you’re not alone here.” Regardless of how close she was with Dante, he had to know that his brothers wouldn’t just let him leave, right? And Emma... well, he wasn’t even looking at Emma.