Entry #2 2:02AM Friday August 7, 2026
Have you ever heard the song "If I Believe You" by the 1975? Did you heard the lines,"I mean, if it was You that made my body, You probably shouldn't have made me atheist"?
Sometimes when I'm at my lowest, I really feel this song. When I feel like there's nothing left for me and I'm asking why am I still living? What's my purpose.
Earlier yesterday, I was not able to sleep that much because I was very anxious, I'm not used to accepting money from my parents, I lost my job 3months ago and all of my savings are gone. Earlier yesterday, I'm very hopeless, I don't know what to do, I can't cry and I feel like my feelings are all so mixed up, I'm very tired. Earlier yesterday, I came to a point where I was already singing that song, calling myself an atheist even if I know deep down in my heart that He's real. I mean seeing all this things I have slowly deteriorating, it's really depressing. I'm alone and cloud headed but I had an important errand so I went outside even if I don't have sleep. I only had money to spend worth $17 from my mother. I bought and paid what I need. I really calculated the money meticulously because if I spend too much, I'm not going to be able to pay what I need to pay after that errand. Yes, I only had $17 and I need to keep $4 because I still have something to pay once I reached my house.
When I reached home another upsetting thing happened, we don't have internet again. Same internet issue we had just like 3days ago. Plus I saw someone who I just told to not to go to our place anymore. My Father said that he just ate at our house and leave right away. Just a little back story, okay? I don't have any anger or issue towards that person. My brother and I love him like a brother but I told him to just leave because he really needs to move on. He's the ex-husband of a cousin who I also detached out my life because they're already saying bad things about each other. Now his ex-wife is assuming that we're taking sides and saying nasty things about us and I just want my family to stay in peace and not deal with that kind of toxicity so I informed him with the approval of my father that we don't want to get involved at all, yet he's still going back and forth to our house.
While writing this I realized, after the important thing I dealt with, I was still able to ate street food, had some refresher, bought some snacks in a convenient store, and kept the $4 I need to save; our internet went back after 4hrs; and I supposed to be happy because someone we treated like a brother still not forget about us, although, it will not change our decision because it's for his own good as well; most wonderful thing happened today is I got an unexpected blessing from God, it's only hundred bucks but while receiving that it's far-fetch, but I imagined God saying that,"Hey, I'm here, just trust me".
I know, I still love the song. It's like begging something you don't believe exists, hoping it will prove to you that it does. And everytime I feel so much about this song, God always proves that he's with me.
-3:26AM
