My fellow men, pay attention. I didnât realize how scary this could be until one of my exes explained it to me, and itâs heartbreaking.
Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, itâs scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didnât think I would hurt her. But see, that doesnât matter. It wasnât a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; itâs a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDNâT trust you.)
Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.
I used to be horrible about this, because I didnât realize how intimidating it was. I didnât understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didnât matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.
I get that when passions are high, and when youâre frustrated, itâs a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. Iâm not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.
Donât tell me itâs too hard, that you just canât do it, or that you âshouldnât have to.â Iâm 53 years old and just now getting the hang of it, and if this old dog can learn something new, so can you.
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