throw me into the fire;

She'd tried moving past it, to smile and create a new fictional world to delve into, to run a coffee shop to escape from her messy brain, but none of it came easy. She smiled and laughed but she was only faking her happiness as she went along with life's course she'd stumbled into. Her favourite cake never tasted quite the same after the day everyone found out about the fact her friend murdered someone for her; her lover left, her best friend left, and everyone else kept giving her a judging glance, no matter how they tried to hide it.

Danny had yelled and broken cars, she'd defaced a misguided man's grave and cried over the grass and dirt under which he was buried. She'd drunk so much alcohol she'd forgotten why she even started, gone days without food because she couldn't break out of her mind enough to even think about eating. She'd restarted therapy and sertraline, she'd even tried yoga - nothing helped. Maybe because she had so many unresolved feelings, emotions she kept to herself to spare the rest of the world of her pain, to make sure no one besides her was suffering.

But, mostly, it was the town that haunted her.

No matter where she was, there was some kind of reminder of what had transpired. The high school she passed on her way to work reminded her of the first time she'd met Jaymes, how she had to pry him away from her love's limp body; the cemetery she glanced at when walking her dog to the park reminded her of him having been buried there, alongside friends of her. Even her own house made her heart ache, because she saw her husband's face every day and the fear of his abandonment could never pass.

At the end of it all, she found herself sitting at the end of their bed, a suitcase full of her clothes laying open behind her. She'd always unpack it all and never mentioned it to anyone, but it was the only thing that made her feel like she could break away from the darkness that choked her.

Today, she didn't unpack anything. Instead, she grabbed na unused notebook that had been a gift from her mother for Christmas and a pen close to running out of ink, and she wrote.

"Codie, You have been a part of my life for almost five years. I've loved you for all that time, maybe even longer. I think my heart always loved you, even when I didn't know you, because you've been everything I could ever want, and need. But I can't stay here any longer. I know you've seen it. I know you've felt it in my short lived kisses, and with my clipped replies when I've had a bit too much to drink. I know you've felt me tremble in your arms at night, and I know you never believed when I said it was just stress from work. I'm so sorry I ever lied to you, but I wanted to spare you of my pain, of any suffering I might cause. I guess, in the end, I failed at my own resolution of never hurting you again, because here I am, doing it anyway. I don't mean to point fingers, because I know this is my fault, but ever since you left to stay with Brodie without a word, I've been damaged beyond repair. I'm always afraid you'll leave, I'm constantly paranoid I might say or do something that will make you leave. I'm certain I'm not the only one, considering everything. I can't put us through that any longer, my love. I don't have the strength to keep pretending that everything's alright. I haven't been able to forgive myself for what I caused, I haven't been able to forgive you for what you did, I haven't been able to forgive Jaymes for what he started. I am broken, Codie. And I know, in my heart, that I can forgive you, but I need time. I need to be away from this town, from this haunted place with ghosts that poke at me from every angle. Time away will, surely, allow me to forgive you, but we both know that forgiving is not forgetting - and I'l never be able to forget any of this. Just like I'll never forget you. I don't know if I'm ever coming back, Codie; I don't know what my heart will tell me to do. I don't think I'll ever fall in love again, but I hope you do. I hope you find a girl who doesn't give you even half the trouble I did, who loves and cherishes you, who is honest even in the hardest times. I can't be that girl for you; my brain doesn't work well enough for that. I'm so sorry I dragged you into my messy life, that I made you fall in love. I never wanted to hurt you, I hope you know that. I love you more than words will ever say, Codie Simmons. I love you like the moon loves the sea, pulling its waves higher towards it whenever it's the brightest. Love you more than the clouds love the sun, embracing it in their flufiness until the sun is all safe and sound behind them. I love you so much it physically pains me, sometimes. And that is why I must leave. I'll have a lawyer send you our divorce papers. You can have everything - the house, the cars, our wedding gifts. I'm only taking Harley, Ollie and Kiko with me, along with all I need to survive. I hope you can understand why I couldn't wait for you to get home, for this. If I had to stare at your face as I said any of this, I wouldn't be able to leave; I'd keep on dragging myself through the way life has made it for me, here - crawling through this path filled with shattered glass and demons that will not shut up. And we both know I'm better with the written word than speaking; this way, you can know everything. You are wonderful, Codie. You're the best man I've ever known; you deserve someone just as good. Despite it all, I hope you can remember me by the good things we've done, the times we were happy and the memories that were born in the most unexpected moments. I hope you can forgive me, one day, and look back on our marriage with a smile on your lips. I'll love you until my breath no longer leaves me, Codie Simmons. Please, do your best to move on and find your happiness, that's all I ever want for you. Tell our friends and family that this is all on me... That I'm too broken for this town. Tell them I don't want to be found, that I need to breathe a new life into my body, to cleanse my soul of the darkness that grips at me here. Tell Emery, especially, that she was a light in the tunnel when I could barely see, and that she'll always have a place in my heart, as well.

Eternally yours, Dan."

By the end of the letter, Danny's hand was cramping, and tears were pooling in her eyes, but she didn't dare rest; if she spent a moment longer considering this, she'd stay, again. And the longer she stayed, the more it hurt to breathe; the more difficult it became getting up in the morning, and the more painful it became to smile through the clouds of unhappiness that hovered over her head at all times. She knew she couldn't stay, no matter how much it also hurt to leave; in the long run, leaving was the option that granted her a chance at life. With this in mind, she inhaled sharply and ripped the page out of the notebook, placing it gently over her pillow on her and Codie's bed. She gave herself five seconds to breathe through her breaking heart, and then turned away. All her luggage was already by the door leading to the garage, and the pets in their proper carriers, so she walked downstairs and took one last look at the house she and Codie had built - the way she'd set the living room, the walls they'd painted together; she looked through photos in the walls and coats hanging by the front door, and she commited it all to memory, for the days when she'd be able to think of the good things Greensville had given her.

After she'd walked around the entire house, she took her belongings through to the car Codie had built for her, and placed everything inside, carefully. She was still unsure where she was headed, but she sat behind the driver's wheel anyway, and, as soon as the gate had fully opened, started the vehicle and drove away from her home.

I still haven't managed to meet with my family doctor to work out if I should go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist.