It's Dan MacRae

Hello! I’m semi-tolerable nuisance Dan MacRae! Why am I shouting at you? Not sure! Sorry, I’ll take it down a notch.

Instead of learning how to pleasure a woman or how to unlock the mysteries of grooming, I have devoted my life to TV nonsense. Blessed YouTube presence RwDt09 has been collecting these amazing compilations of era (and sometimes season) specific TV intros and they are my everything. Imagine having a child that didn’t suck? That’s the feeling RwDt09′s videos put in my heart.

I've been obsessively rewatching this collection of mostly forgotten early '90s TV intros. The bulk of these shows died a quick death and feel like the product of whatever drugs TV execs take. (Probably something snorted from one of those awesome McDonalds coffee straws they ditched in like 2002.) Because I'm a handsome pin-up hunk of the year, I wrote some dumb blurbs about the first few shows and have some stray thoughts on the rest. This appeals to no one but me AND I APOLOGIZE TO NO ONE!

In the immortal words of John Lennon, let’s get biz-zay!

DINOSAURS: I’m at a point in my life where I can acknowledge that Dinosaurs sucked. It’s incredibly freeing. Christ, this is like that stupid-ass Norman Lear show where dogs did social commentary BUT WITH HENSON PUPPETS! I hope Baby Sinclair was stomped to death and eaten as pudding before the extinction series finale. (Yes, that happened.) The intro isn’t bad, mind you. You get the lumbering theme song and Earl gets stuck in a door CUZ LAFFS! TIMES SURE HAVEN’T CHANGED HO HO HO! God I hate these fucking dinosaurs.

Intro MVP: It’s not a stellar pack, but we get a bit of Robbie Sinclair who census data has shown led to a variety of surprising sexual awakenings for youths at the time.

SCORCH: A 1300-year-old dragon named Scorch visits the 1990s on a budget that looks not far removed from Skank on The Ben Stiller Show. The song will make you want to barricade your sex organs from a world where you can bring children into a world with THAT CAWAZZZY SCORCH! The theme song really is a special brand of irritating and Scorch looks like a malformed Deviant Art dildo with a vaguely religious bent.

Intro MVP: Probably John O’Hurley for not actually appearing in the intro. (Even with O’Hurley’s weird résumé.)

FISH POLICE: Not to be confused with the (ARF! ARF! ARF!) Dog Police, Fish Police and Family Dog are shows I know almost exclusively from being mentioned as examples of the crappy post-Simpsons primetime animation gold rush. Fish Police actually looks good animation-wise, but it’s pretty clear you’re gonna be sledgehammered with endless “COULD YOU IMAGINE FISH DOING THESE OLD TROPES? DO WE NEED TO CALL A SEARCH PARTY FOR YOUR SIDES? ARE THEY SPLITTING ALREADY?” jokes. Congrats dipshits, you made a cinema-touched precursor to Frankie & George. You dummies. Also there’s the tone of casual racism UNDER THE SEA so do with that what you will. DID YOU SEE CHINATOWN? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?

Intro MVP: Thank goodness they specified who John Ritter voices so we could all bask in Inspector Gil as a character name. Fuck you, Fish Police.

CAPITOL CRITTERS: Christ, this looks UNWATCHABLE. Like walk into oncoming traffic as an alternative unwatchable. Capitol Critters centers around an animated mouse named Max (voiced by Neil Patrick Harris) witnesses his family being murdered in Nebraska and moves to D.C. and wait what the fuck is going on with those roaches? (Racism, mostly.) Who thought this was a good idea to invest time, money and animator joint damage in? Stephen Bochco, baby! I have a perverse curiosity to see an episode but after 90 seconds I know I'd be dying to eat a fucking gun instead of suffering through any more of Capitol Critters.

Intro MVP: Gotta be Bochco. Also, EAT SHIT BOCHCO!

And now a really tiny blab about the rest. Watch this clip package, ya goofs!

FAMILY DOG: Folks were fucking horny for Spielberg TV shit in the 90s, ditto Tim Burton too and that's how an Amazing Stories, uh, story was morphed into a shitball TV series that Brad Bird wanted no part of. Also, I have no idea how to explain things like the CBS StereoSound chyron to anyone born after Clinton left office.

THE CRITIC: Nice to see you, Jay Sherman! This is a lovely intro and you likely know that already. I've done a few rewatches of The Critic (not the web series season, though) and I say the show definitely holds up and is far from a duketastrophe. That said, some of the parody film clips that got raves at the time are kinda creaky in hindsight.

CHARLIE HOOVER: Can I say something? Fuck Sam Kinison. Hmm... That's a bit harsh. I guess I just don't get him on any level. The only thing he's done that I've ever found all that funny was when he said he wished Andrew Dice Clay die of stomach cancer from the inside out, like Bette Davis. Kinison's not my cup of tea is what I'm getting at. In Charlie Hoover (GET IT HURF HURF), Kinison is a foot high loudmouth in a long coat that's getting 40-year-old square Tim Matheson where he needs to be in life.

A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN: Or... "Betty Spaghetti's Here Which Is All The Star Power You Need!"

HARDBALL: A League Of Their Own had a fun, feel good intro with all the corny touches of ol' timey baseball. Hardball tries to sell you on Joe Rogan: Baseball Fella and the vague scent of urinal troughs.

GOOD GRIEF: Howie Mandel golfs in a cemetery and it's not particularly clear if he's just fucking around on strangers graves for fun. (Alternate Theory: Those graves belong to the family from Bobby's World. All the Generics!)

THE FANELLI BOYS: If enjoy broad Italian-American stereotypes to the point of falling down laughing at the sight of a pizza box, you'll love The Fanelli Boys! Joe Pantoliano and Christopher Meloni both star.

SOMETHING WILDER: Something Wilder was the sort of show where I wished Gene Wilder well and still kept 5000 miles away from watching it. Also, Wilder's face on that house is CHILLING.

DUDLEY: Embrace the luxury hotel elevator elegance of Dudley! Does it feature Dudley Moore make a series of faces where he seems surprised by everything? You better believe it. This was also where Max Wright got work in-between taking abuse from a cat eating alien and Norm Macdonald.

CAROL & COMPANY: It's a bit Carol Takes On in the intro with Carol Burnett in assorted costumes and that's alright because everyone does the assorted costumes intro thing. Tickets to the show are blown across America and get in the hands of whatever Orphan Black Carol happens to be in the area.

THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW: This is an extremely 90s sort of intro that feels like something more upscale soft rock stations did in TV ads at the time too. Richard Kind directs a bit of paper at someone midway through.

DREXELL'S CLASS: One of more storied entries in the Dabney Coleman being an asshole catalogue. The first intro features Dabney, ol' Drex himself, just hanging around in class being hot shit and occasionally mimicking a flying dinosaur. The second intro is a more traditional clip collection highlighted by a young Brittany Murphy (WHO WAS MURDERED! FACT! REMINDER!) and Coleman in a wild 8 ball jacket. Rembrandt off Sliders also makes an appearance.

TEECH: If this intro looks exactly like a sitcom where a Cool Black Music Instructor™ teaches Prep School bad boys in Bush Sr era America that's because it is exactly that sort of sitcom. Maggie Han deserves better.

THE ROYAL FAMILY: It seems extra cruel to take Redd Foxx's popcorn away considering he'd be dead before the fifth episode even aired. Della Reese is in this, die-hard Della fans.

ROC: This intro works perfectly. We get Charles S. Dutton, Ella Joyce and an easy to digest Jerry Lawson theme song. (En Vogue would do the theme later.) It’d be nice if they could get Edgar Allan Poe wagging a finger at seafood or something else in the background to push that Baltimore thing even more, but I still wish this intro from 25+ year old Fox comedy all the best in its future endeavours.

BREWSTER PLACE: Speaking of good intros, Brewster Place is a first rate brand of TV welcome. Brenda Pressley is the MVP of the intro over Oprah Winfrey which might explain why Brenda Pressley has been missing since 1992. (I know she’s on The Path. Just play along.)

SUNDAY BEST: The intro equivalent of getting someone to throw shit at a wall, we get an early 90s NBC grab bag of fuck it whatever shots of TVs and TV dinners with poor Carl Reiner trotted out partway through.

AMERICAN CHRONICLES: Mark Frost and David Lynch paired for a documentary series in the early ‘90s on Fox because Fox was like fucking UHF at the time. The industrial strength creepy opening doesn’t include any shots of narrator Richard Dreyfuss turning towards the camera and that’s a damn shame.

AMERICAN DETECTIVES: If you get horny for stressed out real-life detectives, this will send your undergarments to Mars! Lots of mustaches here. A whole Safeway bag’s worth. Some real rural gas station rock going on with that theme tune.

FBI: THE UNTOLD STORIES: The tone of this entire intro is: “Hey kid, wanna see a dead body? Or twenty?” Creepy music blasting over Jackie Kennedy on the back of JFK’s death limo and Wayne Williams heading to trial equals primetime party fun!

ENCOUNTERS: THE HIDDEN TRUTH: Suck it, Sightings! Encounters is leading a new dawn for crackpot horseshit to eat Bugles to! I appreciate the shameless X-Files knockoff intro thing Fox is doing (cuz it’s their show) that comes complete with head shop blanket alien head popping up midway through.

STEPHEN KING’S GOLDEN YEARS: Essentially Garth Marenghi's Darkplace with one hell of a music rights win tacked on.

TRIBECA: This opening reminds me an awful lot of terrible movies I was bullied into watching on VHS at a friend’s house.

WIOU: One thing I like in a TV intro is when something fun happens with the title onscreen. It’s a minor thing, but the way those WIOU letters turn into view? HOOCHIE MAMA! Eight is Enough’s Dick Van Patten does a fantastic job of conveying that being a weatherfellow is tough work.

GABRIEL’S FIRE: I will never for the life of me understand how the early ‘90s could not sustain a James Earl Jones fronted program titled Gabriel’s Fire. Those worlds are supposed to meld beautifully.

PROS & CONS: Gabriel’s Fire would morph into the more lighthearted Pros & Cons which symbolized its new form by laying it on thick with the Video Toaster touches. Instead of James Earl Jones peering at you from the darkness, this go-around it’s a lot of smiles and silly moments with Richard Crenna.

BURKE’S LAW: Hearing “it’s Burke’s Law” at the start of that intro is like when “Do you smell what The Rock’s cooking?” would play before Dwayne Johnson would wander down a ramp to kick Triple H in the stomach. In this case, it’s to get you fired up that Gene Barry’s back on television. This particular episode promises Dom DeLuise and Tawny Kitaen together at last!

MAX MONROE: LOOSE CANNON: If you only see one intro for a Shadoe Stevens vehicle that transitions from a Donut Hole shot to an extended leer at a lady’s bum, make it this one!

97. Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery

96. Duncan Sheik - Barely Breathing

95. Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz - Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)

94. Gob - B Flat

93. Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

92. Queen Pen featuring Teddy Riley - Man Behind The Music

91. Save Ferris - Come On Eileen

90. The Killjoys - I’ve Been Good

89. Days Of The New - Touch, Peel And Stand

88. Big Wreck - The Oaf (My Luck Is Wasted)

87. Jay Z featuring Foxy Brown & Babyface - (Always Be My) Sunshine

86. Kardinal Offishall - On Wit Da Show

85. Hanson - MMMBop

84. Dru Hill - In My Bed

83. Beatnuts featuring Big Pun & Cuban Link - Off The Books

82. Whitney Houston - Step by Step

81. Blur - Beetlebum

80. Rome - I Belong To You

79. Lisa Stansfield - Never, Never Gonna Give You Up

78. Fountains of Wayne - Sink To The Bottom

77. Bentley Rhythm Ace - Bentley’s Gonna Sort You Out!

76. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

75. Wyclef Jean featuring John Forté & Pras - We Trying to Stay Alive

74. Boyz II Men - 4 Seasons Of Loneliness

73. The Dandy Warhols - Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth

72. Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube

71. Somethin’ For The People featuring Trina & Tamara - My Love Is The Shhh!

70. The Hives - A.K.A. I-D-I-O-T

69. Björk - Bachelorette

68. Puff Daddy featuring Lil’ Kim, The LOX & The Notorious B.I.G. - All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix)

67. Travis - All I Want To Do Is Rock

66. Eternal featuring BeBe Winans - I Wanna Be the Only One

65. Oasis - I Hope, I Think, I Know

64. KRS-One - Step Into A World (Rapture’s Delight)

63. Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls

62. LL Cool J - Phenomenon

61. ESPN - ESPN Presents the Jock Jam

60. Foo Fighters - Monkey Wrench

59. Radiohead - Karma Police

58. LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live

57. Smash Mouth - Walkin’ On The Sun

56. Mariah Carey - Honey

55. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms

54. Regurgitator - ! (The Song Formerly Known As

53. David Bowie - I’m Afraid Of Americans (V1 Edit)

52. Robyn - Do You Know (What It Takes)

51. The Braxtons - The Boss

50. Morrissey - Alma Matters

49. Smog - Ex-con

48. The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony

47. Kool Keith - Make Up Your Mind

46. Alisha’s Attic - Indestructible

45. The Dismemberment Plan - The Ice Of Boston

44. Sugar Ray featuring Supercat - Fly

43. Teenage Fanclub - Ain’t That Enough

42. The Muffs - Honeymoon

41. Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight

40. Lil’ Kim, Da Brat, Missy Elliott, Angie Martinez & Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes - Not Tonight (Ladies Night Remix)

39. Spice Girls - Too Much

38. Lisa Loeb - I Do

37. All Saints - Never Ever

36. Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott - The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)

35. The Wallflowers - The Difference

34. Lambchop - Your Fucking Sunny Day

33. En Vogue - Don’t Let Go

32. Cornershop - Brimful of Asha

31. Pavement - Shady Lane

30. Counting Crows - A Long December

29. Ma$e - Feel So Good

28. Dance Hall Crashers - Lost Again

27. Next - Too Close

26. Wu-Tang Clan featuring Cappadonna - Triumph

25. that dog. - Never Say Never

24. The Chemical Brothers - Block Rockin’ Beats

23. Busta Rhymes - Dangerous

22. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get

21. The Philosopher Kings - Hurts To Love You

20. INOJ - Love You Down

19. Uncle Sam - I Don’t Ever Want To See You Again

18. Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In L.A.

17. Love Inc. - Broken Bones

16. Rammstein - Du Hast

15. The Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize

14. Ivan - Open Your Eyes

13. Daft Punk - Da Funk:

12. Natalie Imbruglia - Torn

11. Usher - You Make Me Wanna…

10. Odds - Someone Who’s Cool

9. Janet Jackson - Got ‘til It’s Gone

8. Shania Twain - Still The One

7. Freak Nasty - Da Dip

6. Aqua - Barbie Girl

5. Fiona Apple - Criminal

4. Pulp - Help The Aged

3. The Cardigans - Lovefool

2. Spiritualized - Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space

10. Odds - Someone Who’s Cool: I just learned that “Someone Who’s Cool” was briefly the theme for the Tom Cavanagh TV experience Love Monkey. That sounds about right.

9. Janet Jackson - Got ‘til It’s Gone: This track gets better year by year somehow. I look forward to going berserk with joy hearing it in my 60s. (My 1160s, I mean. Hi, I’m beloved time traveller Dan MacRae and I would like to spread the good news about rever--.)

8. Shania Twain - Still The One: A luxurious adult contemporary country classic that’s essentially riding a merry-go-round giving your relationship’s doubters a twirling middle finger. That’s how you earn your own scent.

7. Freak Nasty - Da Dip: A late ‘96 holdover from Freak Nasty’s Controversee...And That's Life...And That's the Way It Is. If there’s an award or a giant cheque to be given to title of the century, Freak Nasty should be delivered it at once.

6. Aqua - Barbie Girl: I like to fantasize about what Danish Lifetime’s unauthorized Aqua Tv movie would look like. It’s something I can curl up into a blanketed ball and really have a nice think about. “Barbie Girl” is weapons grade awesome. Technicolor (Aquacolor?), funny and more original than they got credit for.

5. Fiona Apple - Criminal: I’ve been photographed blind drunk, naked, covered in vomit and attempting to vacuum a wall all in one photograph. (Or several, from what I remember.) I would rather that be flashed on the corner of the screen during the Super Bowl than have anyone see the way I attempt to jaguar prowl on the couch to “Criminal.” (My jaguar can get a bit theatrical.)

4. Pulp - Help The Aged: Jarvis Cocker really knows how to intertwine a song with regal lecherousness, eh? I mean that in the best possible way.

3. The Cardigans - Lovefool: Immaculate.

2. Spiritualized - Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space: Both the Elvis version and the non-Elvis version are acceptable. (The musician Presley, not the skater Stojko. WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN!)

20. INOJ - Love You Down: So So Def endorsed dancefloor excellence that leads me to move my body like I’m crammed into a smaller than usual Hurricane Simulator.

19. Uncle Sam - I Don’t Ever Want To See You Again: HOW COULD YOU DO UNCLE SAM LIKE THAT? Close friend of mine, my aunt fanny.

18. Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In L.A.: If this song were a person, you’d likely mute them on Twitter. Thankfully, songs are rarely people.

17. Love Inc. - Broken Bones: Chris Sheppard’s level of cultural impact in Canada in the 1990s fascinates and delights me. I believe he and MC Mario solve mysteries on Nat Geo DJ now.

16. Rammstein - Du Hast: YEAH! THESE KOOKY GERMAN GOOFS! Scandalizing teenage Chads and C.H.U.D.S. via squirting dildos on the Family Values Tour would only be a year away.

15. The Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize: An underrated bit in the “Hypnotize” promo is Biggie being unhappy with Puffy’s decision to throw away champagne soaked money. “I care! I care,” stresses B.I.G. as he attempts to snatch the airborne bills. Nice work, adds to the character, reasonable attitude. All excellent things.

14. Ivan - Open Your Eyes: Ivan out of Men Without Hats engages in a solo dancepop lark with oddly endearing results. Bonhomme would approve.

13. Daft Punk - Da Funk: Not that hard to imagine assorted characters from Heavy Metal having weird cartoon sex to this, really.

12. Natalie Imbruglia - Torn: The video for “Torn” led me to believe a good chunk of my 20s would be spent twirling around my apartment with bangs in my eyes and a tidy Randy River ensemble on my body. Sadly, this was not the case.

30. Counting Crows - A Long December: I can generally tell how sleep deprived I am by how much I “get into” a Counting Crows song at the supermarket.

29. Ma$e - Feel So Good: The look of confusion on my face as my grandma compared me to Li’l Abner will be the same look kids will give me when I make a big fuss about how Aries Spears got a lot of mileage out of his MadTV Ma$e impression.

28. Dance Hall Crashers - Lost Again: Pseudo-stoned ska-pop for people that fear that sort of thing.

27. Next - Too Close: Confidence really does work wonders. That’s how a song about uncontrollable boner problem can be beloved as an R&B classic for (ideally) centuries to come. “Too Close” isn’t all that different than a song a teen sitcom character would come up with to cover up an embarrassing moment.

26. Wu-Tang Clan featuring Cappadonna - Triumph: For what it’s worth, I’d be there opening night for Brett Ratner’s spinoff movie about Method Man’s flaming bee motorcycle adventures. I’m willing to take PG-13 if that’s what makes this happen.

25. that dog. - Never Say Never: I enjoy this the exact same way The Young Pope enjoys a Cherry Coke Zero. *mugs broadly, poses for a photo with today’s newspaper* Gooey power pop thrills for this dingus!

24. The Chemical Brothers - Block Rockin’ Beats: Many a Canadian young’un got buckwild to this in a basement, bedroom or abandoned 4-H hall in the late ‘90s. Granted, said buckwildness would immediately halt when Big Shiny Tunes 2 follows up with Wide Mouth Mason, but that’s beside the point. 

23. Busta Rhymes - Dangerous: The bulk of Busta’s best work sounds like it was designed with a labor intensive Hype Williams video in mind. Spliff Starr deserves a Peabody for his work as Max Remo in the promo.

22. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get: 1997: The year where a driving ska anthem about assessing your mortality sung by Jimmy Kimmel’s announcer was desperately needed.

40. Lil' Kim, Da Brat, Missy Elliott, Angie Martinez & Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes - Not Tonight (Ladies Night Remix): It seems like just yesterday that the world waited with bated breath for the soundtrack to a Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins buddy comedy directed by the Kung Pow dude.

39. Spice Girls - Too Much: In my heart, The Spice Bus will always be the 6th Spice Girl. Well, the bus or O’so Krispie.

38. Lisa Loeb - I Do: I really should get around to giving Number 1 Single a dedicated watch before the world explodes and all our bones are flying through space or whatever.

37. All Saints - Never Ever: Shaznay Lewis is an underappreciated songwriting genius and this should be brought up more often. Is your grandma on her deathbed? Tough shit, she needs to know!

36. Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott - The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly): Vrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooom.

35. The Wallflowers - The Difference: The lyrics to this comfort-rocker sound like what an Oxyed-up middle schooler would “unleash” on their creative writing peers. (It does not go over well, nor should it.)

34. Lambchop - Your Fucking Sunny Day: GIMME THEM HORNS!

33. En Vogue - Don’t Let Go: I believe the premise of the “Don’t Let Go” video is En Vogue hosting a party in the luxury apartment they share to inform everyone of the upcoming release of the New Line Cinema motion picture Set It Off.

32. Cornershop - Brimful of Asha: The Norman Cook version is swell too, but this sounds less like there’s an ad for cracker snacks or “the next level of mineral water” or whatever driving the action.

50. Morrissey - Alma Matters: Later in life you realize that Morrissey is a bit of a goof (with a unsettling attitude towards immigration), but before that? IMPORTANT! Uncut labeled this Morrissey’s worst single which is simultaneously too harsh towards “Alma Matters” and far too kind towards his discography. (It’s not even the worst pun-driven track off Maladjusted.) As you might have guessed from its placement on this list, I was clearly a delight as a youth.

49. Smog - Ex-con: “Whenever I get dressed up/I feel like an ex-con/Trying to make good” A gorgeous relatable tune from a dude with a knack for that sort of thing.

48. The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony: I watched every minute of Live 8 and inexplicably the two memories I have from it was Richard Ashcroft popping by to do this song with Coldplay and Pete Doherty being more drugs than man while appearing as Elton John’s guest. I have no clue if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that those rank higher in the memory rankings than dink rockers Buckcherry really giving the G8 what for in Barrie, Ontario while Dan Aykroyd stops by every now and then.

Also: You’re absolved of guilt for putting this on any form of workout playlist. That hunk of shit Donald Trump will kill us all, so why worry about being on-the-nose with your morning jog? You deserve better.

47. Kool Keith - Make Up Your Mind: Yeah.. so you called me last night You was kinda confused huh? You didn't know what to do All excited over these football players and baseball players Whassup? You lookin for a million dollars or somethin? Man you kinda confused FREAK MODE! (imagine this in the biggest fucking font WordPerfect has ever offered and me Beavis kicking around my room)

46. Alisha’s Attic - Indestructible: Waterbed pop glory from a duo that deserved better. Look at me! Handing out “deserving better” banners like a “deserving better” banner handing out maniac.

45. The Dismemberment Plan - The Ice Of Boston: I don’t know shit about Travis Morrison’s personal life, but I’d wager that impression of his mom (as the character’s mom or otherwise) earned a smack at that year’s Christmas dinner. Oh Travis, I love you buddy, BUT GET A LIFE! *mom backhand*

44. Sugar Ray featuring Supercat - Fly: The path to glory begins here. Speaking of which, Mark McGrath mocking the size of his own penis in Blender years later makes me mourn the death of print all the more.

Please hand over your “Dan tugs his dink about Blender* punch card, please. One more and a free candy bar is coming your way!

43. Teenage Fanclub - Ain’t That Enough: No extra credit for guessing there’s a gigantic tea kettle in the accompanying music video.

42. The Muffs - Honeymoon: I sing along to this with what I think looks like a cool punky sneer, but really I look like a cartoon French waiter that’s had his moustache yanked by a saucy ghost.

41. Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight: EEC (no? that doesn’t work?) had this look revived eons before your Ashtons, Pharrells and Conde Nast kids were going for it. 

60. Foo Fighters - Monkey Wrench: Mothers, lock up your fathers! DADS ARE GONNA ROCK! YOUR MOMMA (OR DADDY) DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR DADDY’S GONNA DO TONIGHT!

59. Radiohead - Karma Police: I imagine Thom Yorke owns a lot of very frustrating dishware. Probably eats his cereal out of a grey marble cube or paper orb or something.

58. LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live: Endearingly schmaltzy Diane Warren country. I still don’t remember the point in her career where she had backup dancers, though. That’s the only LeAnn Rimes relationship detail I’ve ever cared about.

57. Smash Mouth - Walkin’ On The Sun: “Walkin’ on the Sun” is a bit like a bag of Cheetos (puffs) isn’t it? Also there’s all sorts of reasons to dump on Smash Mouth, but Greg Camp goes under the radar as an accomplished goofy work conference afterparty jam songwriter.

56. Mariah Carey - Honey: “Grandpop, can you tell me the legend of the days where Mariah Carey would occasionally be vertical? Please tell the era of her not sprawled across something actually happened!”

55. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms: “I don’t believe in an interventionist God...” HEY BUDDY YOU CAN LEAVE THOSE SORTS OF EXPLANATIONS TO GENIUS THESE DAYS! THINK AHEAD, DUMMY!

54. Regurgitator - ! (The Song Formerly Known As: A Prince homage appropriate for homebodies.

53. David Bowie - I’m Afraid Of Americans (V1 Edit): I was at the movies this summer and was BAFFLED to hear this BLASTING out of an exiting theater with a Central Intelligence poster by the door. I was like “HOLY SHIT, DIE KEVIN HART GET FUCKING MURDERED BY THE ROCK AT THE END??? I GOTTA SEE THIS MOVIE!” And then I went into my screening, saw Purge: Election Year (IT FUCKING RULES) and put it together that it was the Purge end credits and the posters were just switched early. I still think about what could have been with Central Intelligence.

52. Robyn - Do You Know (What It Takes): If I’m being honest? No.

70. The Hives - A.K.A. I-D-I-O-T: HA HA HA HA HA! LOOK AT THESE GOOFS! There are few things I love more than The Hives existing to infuriate serious Swedish punk and hardcore types. (I may be remembering wrong and I’m alright with that. Please alert Randy Fitzsimmons of this.)

69. Björk - Bachelorette: Part of me likes to imagine Björk being annoyed that the David Guettas and the Chainsmokers of the world aren’t hitting her up to guest on their upcoming spring break turd.

68. Puff Daddy featuring Lil’ Kim, The LOX & The Notorious B.I.G. - All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix): No wonder kids went wild for Puffy. Dude made an entire video around stumbling upon a sub-par prom and feeling OBLIGATED to put on a better performance for these dopey younglings. I can’t imagine I’m the only one to do the radio edit pause for the Biggie section.

67. Travis - All I Want To Do Is Rock: There are few things harder to explain to people under 25 than how Travis was considered “Radiohead lite” for a spell. I was a sensitive Bobby Hill of a boy so naturally I considered Travis to be INCREDIBLY important.

66. Eternal featuring BeBe Winans - I Wanna Be the Only One: Whatever it is people get out of spooning, I get out of this.

65. Oasis - I Hope, I Think, I Know: Quite possibly the most coked out thing on an album that includes the near Adult Swim length “All Around The World” and this motherfucking album cover. (Still, hell of a bombastic snowblind rock tuuuuune, dude.)

64. KRS-One - Step Into A World (Rapture’s Delight): B-b-but wouldn’t this be better with “Cause the man from Mars is through with cars” and all that? jk brbs 2 the max sk8rs, etc.

63. Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls: I remember PROUDLY pointing out this video to my mom (remember: Bobby Hill) and my mom was genuinely irritated that everyone was on bungee cords or whatever. I can only remember twenty (non-celebrity) faces in my day-to-day yet this has stuck with me. Anyway, have fun imagining 12-year-old brushcut Dan jumping off of the couch and crashing into the carpet with a dignified splat. RAWK BABY!

62. LL Cool J - Phenomenon: LL Cool J wearing proper eyeglasses in videos during his “sex is extra terrific” period made me feel like a fucking BIGSHOT. The central Manitoba village I lived in didn’t have a leather overalls hut so I never got to snatch those up, sadly.

80. Rome - I Belong To You: Oh, the subpar lovemaking I could do to this R&B classic! Hope you like it clumsy, sex partners. That’s my only speed.

79. Lisa Stansfield - Never, Never Gonna Give You Up: If you’re a fan of music videos where someone is nude and GETTING WATER ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR, you’ll be thrilled with the promo for this. I find it rather frustrating and a safety hazard, personally. The sacrifices people will make to record an excellent Barry White cover, I suppose.

78. Fountains of Wayne - Sink To The Bottom: Fountains of Wayne exist as one of those bands that are lauded inside a certain bubble (Entertainment Weeklyish pubs) and DESPISED outside of it. It can be fun inside the bubble sometimes, y’know?

77. Bentley Rhythm Ace - Bentley’s Gonna Sort You Out!: Tragically, not a tune about future recording megastar Farnsworth Bentley. 

76. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life: The increasing presence of Third Eye Blind in larger font on festival posters is all the proof I need that no one over 30 should be booking these things. *begins having a grumble about Excess Baggage again*

75. Wyclef Jean featuring John Forté & Pras - We Trying to Stay Alive: This probably would have scored higher if Wyclef Jean didn’t hemmhorage all his goodwill courtesy of shady charity efforts, but who knows? Maybe I’m in the pocket of N-Trance and this is all just a smear campaign?

74. Boyz II Men - 4 Seasons Of Loneliness: Underrated late 90s/early 00s video trope: “I have feelings... IN SPACE!”

73. The Dandy Warhols - Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth: Heroin does seem like A LOT of work, doesn’t it? I don’t even like popping out to the supermarket and interacting with the clerk at the grocery store. I can’t imagine the headaches that wou-- OH! Because it’s bad for your health and makes you extra rude. I get it now. Apologies everyone.

72. Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube: You’re always in good hands with Yo La Tengo. Well, aside from maybe a hostage crisis. Does your captor like “Autumn Sweater?” There’s only one way to find out!

90. The Killjoys - I’ve Been Good: The Killjoys once starred in a video where they were tiny. You might imagine it was like the Rescuers Down Under but in Hamilton, Ontario. You’d imagine wrong. This song was not paired with that video.

89. Days Of The New - Touch, Peel And Stand: Even by ‘97 standards, this seemed like it was from a weird dimension where “grunge: the phenomenon” chugged along with no downswing and nü grunge was still a decade away. That dimension is filled with worse facial hair  than here. Beware. BEWARE! *scratches misshapen beard*

88. Big Wreck - The Oaf (My Luck Is Wasted): My friend Kent and I were at a Thornley show a long-ass time back and it was good, but we rushed out like 15 minutes in to catch the midnight show of Stomp the Yard at the Rainbow. Stomp the Yard was great, mind you. Do not regret making that call one bit.

87. Jay Z featuring Foxy Brown & Babyface - (Always Be My) Sunshine: Hype Williams could put the video for this out today and he would be showered in awards for it. (The money earned from the video pays for Hype’s injuries from falling trophies.) 

86. Kardinal Offishall - On Wit Da Show: On a similar note, “On Wit Da Show” is ahead of its time by a half-decade by count. Kardinal’s always been ahead of his time, I suppose.

85. Hanson - MMMBop: FIRST CLASS SCRATCHING!

84. Dru Hill - In My Bed: Sisqó is a criminally underrated vulnerable romantic lead.

83. Beatnuts featuring Big Pun & Cuban Link - Off The Books: The instrumental for “Off The Books” was in heavy rotation later in my life as part of multiple “beats” CDs for my ill-fated high school rap dabbling. I was every bit as awful as you think.

82. Whitney Houston - Step by Step: I believe this came after Twiztid’s “Diemuthafuckadie” in the track order for the Preacher’s Wife soundtrack.

Howdy! It’s popular entertainment’s Dan MacRae (Top Gun, Cocktail, The Last Samurai) here to talk to you about 1997. What a truly thrilling time to be alive. The public had not yet been rocked by the news that Flooz.com failed. Or existed. Anygoofz, I’ve elected to fart out a 97 best tracks of 1997 list for my own amusement. Re-releases, crossover appearances and other nonsense has been given consideration.

The blabs will be lazy and I want to assure you, as always, that my rankings will be wrong. I’m being propped up by the lizard people shadow government (WHO HAVE REALLY BEEN LETTING SHIT SLIP OF LATE) and my picks have been compromised. On a genuine note, if you have your own list, I’d like to dork out and read it. Even if it’s just an MS Paint document of that digital spray paint reading “CITY GUYS THEME, DUDE!”

Come along with me on this half-assed joyride! No shame. Only gems. Links ahoy!

97. Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery: If the mystery Sarah McLachlan’s been building to involves getting ASPCA dogs to fight each other I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! Even if it were like on Draft Kings as a goof. NO DEAL, UNLIKELY MCLACHLAN SCENARIO! No friggin’ deal.

96. Duncan Sheik - Barely Breathing: Truly the RASCAL of your local lite FM station’s no-repeat workday! I imagined this soundtracked a lot of through jeans stuff at youth centre coffee shops in the late 90s.

95. Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz - Deja Vu (Uptown Baby): Found this on the “Deja Vu” Wikipedia page. Not sure how I missed this.

“The song is built around a sample of Steely Dan's "Black Cow". In exchange for clearing use of the sample, Steely Dan requested an advance payment of $115,000 as well as 100% of publishing royalties, and as a result of this agreement, Steely Dan members Walter Becker and Donald Fagen are the sole credited songwriters on "Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)"”

94. Gob - B Flat: Christ, this video has so much padding. It’s like Gob were sent a fax reading “MuchWest needs filler.”

93. Chumbawamba - Tubthumping: “Amnesia” will not fare as well on the 1998 list.

92. Queen Pen featuring Teddy Riley - Man Behind The Music: The honking on this still drives me nuts. If I’m ever off my face on drugs, don’t let me listen to this. I’ll LOVE it, obviously. It’s just I’ll start plunging things into my brain to make the honking stop. Why won’t it stop? Oh, it stopped.

I do not like Ronda Rousey. I do like Amanda Nunes. I would be very happy if Ronda Rousey lost at UFC 207 if that’s not too much trouble.

If I’m being honest, I hate Ronda Rousey. I’m sure she doesn’t mind. (She shouldn’t.) She probably despises part-time MMA watching beardos that have had their laptops swabbed so much at the airport you could get the results of a fertility test, so it’s not like this is a loss. It’s just so much easier to root for her opponents. Amanda Nunes is a choke-you-out Brazilian badass that’s also the first lesbian UFC world champion. Miesha Tate was toughness personified and had to put up with Ronda’s “HURF DURF RESPECT MA FAMILY I’M THE TOUGHEST FUCKER AT THIS DAVE & BUSTERS” nonsense for ages. Holly Holm brought “dream match” style boxing. Bethe Correia was actually good at trash talk. Christ, being the best fighter in the world doesn’t mean an intertwining of MAXIMUM athlete acting and Entourage. I root for Ronda to lose.

I also root for Ronda to lose because she’s really really really good. I loved watching her fights and every ounce of her charisma is spent on fight night. The arrogance is awesome. The entrance is awesome. The being a menace is awesome. Winning fight after fight is awesome. What’s not awesome is hearing another dreary interview where she’s on Conan and you’re slightly scared she’s going to go all Sandy Hook truther. She was like fucking furniture on screen in Furious 7 and her gift of gab makes her sound like Nelson Muntz was hit in the head with a rock. She also reminds of when a hockey player is praised for being charismatic when really they’re just remembering their “Selects” camp programming. Once again: I am all mad and shit because she’s awesome at being a fighter and shit so I have to see her a bunch.

After Ronda lost, though. I was cool with a comeback story. I’m a Tate stan (taterstands they call us) so I was still bitter Holm got the title shot, but whatever. I also get Ronda wanting to go away for an extended stretch and dealing with the trauma of not only losing but like in a brain damage way too. (She was pummelled is what I’m getting at.) Shit, this was the year I ber-zer-ker! and had to get my brain straight, I get that. The thing that bummed me out was that she’s pushing this “THE MEDIA IS TRYING TO TEAR ME DOWN” angle like it was a brilliant plot orchestrated by an group of companies that cum money everytime this white woman dances on Ellen. Get the fuck outta here with that. How many movies featuring Brazilian lesbians have you seen in theaters this year, Ronda? Geez louise.

196. The Burning Hell - Men Without Hats

195. Twin Peaks - Butterfly

194. Temi DollFace - Beep Beep

193. Pa’s Lam System - TWISTSTEP

192. 1-800-BAND - Des Moines

191. Fifth Harmony featuring Ty Dolla $ign - Work From Home

190. Darrell Scott - Down to the River

189. Andra & Mara - Sweet Dreams (Radio Killer Remix)

188. Sara Watkins - Move Me

187. Beach Slang - Punks In A Disco Bar

186. Little Mix - Shout Out to My Ex

185. The Van T’s - Blood Orange

184. The Britanys - Basketholder

183. Test Pattern - Art + Student = Poor

182. The School - My Arms, They Feel Like Nothing

181. Tancred - Pens

180. Hare Squead - Herside Story

179. Diana Gordon - Woman

178. Fascinations Grand Chorus - Welcome

177. NAILS - You Will Never Be One Of Us

176. All Saints - One Strike

175. Pet Shop Boys - The Pop Kids

174. Greys - No Star

173. Basia Bulat - Long Goodbye

172. Dangers - Kiss With Spit

171. Martha Ffion - We Disappear

170. Noah Cyrus featuring Labrinth - Cry

169. Against Me! - Crash

168. Boston Bun featuring Noreen - Get Into It (1994 Edition)

167. Little Scream - Dark Days

166. The Lonely Island - Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)

165. Chidinma - Fallen in Love

164. Tim Heidecker - Work From Home

163. Cola Jet Set - Lo Mejor Està Por Llegar

162. Anna Straker - Serious

161. Wolf Parade - Floating World

160. Angel Olsen - Shut Up Kiss Me

159. PAWS - No Grace

158. Fira Fem - Vida Nueva

157. Leapling - Alabaster Snow

156. Tkay Maidza - Simulation

155. Fred Thomas - Voiceover

154. REOL - Give Me A Break Stop Now

153. Jeff Rosenstock - Wave Goodnight To Me

152. Potty Mouth - Smash Hit

151. Martha - Goldman’s Detective Agency

150. Olga Bell - Randomness

149. Marit Larsen - Morgan, I Might

148. Colour Me Wednesday - Don’t Tell Anyone

147. Michete featuring Reverend Dollars - Come Get It, Daddy

146. Crying - Wool In The Wash

145. JD and The Sunshine Band - The King Is Gone (So Are You)

144. Dae Dae - Wat U Mean (Aye, Aye, Aye)

143. HQFU - Good Reason

142. Alaska Thunderfuck featuring Adore Delano - The T

141. Kristin Kontrol - X-Communicate

140. A Giant Dog - Sex & Drugs

139. PnB Rock - No Time

138. Few Bits - Summer Sun

137. Lost Love - Take Care, Get Better, See You Never

136. Pip Blom - Truth

135. Porches - Be Apart

134. Cody Johnson - With You I Am

133. Nick Faye - Light Up My Room

132. Animal Collective - Golden Gal

131. Rich Chigga - Dat $tick

130. T-Pain - Look At Me

129. Jonny Fritz - Are You Thirsty?

128. Kate Tempest - Ketamine For Breakfast

127. The Courtneys - Silver Velvet

126. Ari Lennox - Night Drive

125. Tinashe - Superlove

124. Cass McCombs - Opposite House

123. KAYTRANANDA - Lite Spots

122. Nadia Rose - Skwod

121. ANOHNI - Drone Bomb Me

120. Maja Gödicke - Biå

119. Polyester - Lucky Me

118. Danny Brown - Ain’t It Funny

117. The Weeknd featuring Daft Punk - Starboy

116. Fufanu - Sports

115. Sing Street - Drive Like You Stole It

114. Mister Wallace - It Girl

113. PUP - DVP:

112. Annabel Jones - IOU

111. CFO$ - Glorious Domination

110. Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Sai & Co.

109. Heaven For Real - Smooth Ops

108. NAO - Fool to Love

107. angelic milk - Rebel Black

106. Stephen Steinbrink - Impossible Hand

105. Isaiah Rashad - 4r Da Squaw

104. Heart Attack Man - Surrounded By Morons

103. Margo Price - Hurtin’ (On The Bottle)

102. Lizzo - Good As Hell

101. LVL UP - The Closing Door

100. Kamaiyah - How Does It Feel

99. Zara Larsson - I Would Like

98. À La Mode - Total Doom

97. Action Bronson featuring Big Body Bes - Durag vs. Headband

96. Sophie Ellis-Bextor - Come With Us

95. Biblo - Light Up The Sky

94. Sløtface - Sponge State

93. Alma - Dye My Hair

92. Kevin Gates - Time For That

91. Radiation City - Oil Show

90. GFriend - Navillera

89. Maria Anderson - Birches

88. Hippo Campus - boyish

87. Kilara featuring Lil Wayne - Gold (Remix)

86. Aminé - Caroline

85. The 1975 - The Sound

84. Noname featuring Raury & Cam O’bi - Diddy Bop

83. Jessie Reyez - Figures

82. Big Thief - Masterpiece

81. Kodie Shane - Drip On My Walk

80. Tegan and Sara - Boyfriend

79. Electric Guest - Dear To Me

78. Alex Cameron - Take Care Of Business

77. Ezale & DJ Fresh - Stop Come On

76. Max Wonders - Grow Up

75. Gord Downie - The Stranger

74. Lindstrøm - Closing Shot

73. Ekkah - Small Talk

72. Monomyth - Aloha

71. Bossy Love - Want Some

70. The Radio Dept. - We Got Game

69. Jazz Cartier - Red Alert

68. Lambchop - NIV

67. Be Charlotte - Machines That Breathe

66. Will Joseph Cook - Girls Like Me

65. Lady Leshurr featuring Wiley - Where Are You Now?

64. Maggie Rogers - Alaska

63. Karl Blau - That’s How I Got To Memphis

62. Bellows - Thick Skin

61. Flock of Dimes - Semaphore

60. Alpaca Sports - Where’d You Go?

59. The Range - Florida

58. Christina Aguilera featuring Nile Rodgers - Telepathy

57. Twice - Cheer Up

56. Julie Bergan - Arigato

55. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Rings of Saturn

54. Pinegrove - Old Friends

53. Jorja Smith - Where Did I Go?

52. Sunflower Bean - Easier Said

51. Stefflon Don - Real Ting

50. Big K.R.I.T. - Free Agent

49. Loop - Losing My Mind

48. Dave - Wanna Know

47. Azealia Banks - The Big Big Beat

46. Young Thug & Travis Scott featuring Quavo - Pick Up the Phone

45. William Michael Morgan - Missing

44. Chance the Rapper featuring 2 Chainz & Lil Wayne

43. The Goon Sax - Boyfriend

42. Mannequin Pussy - Denial

41. Tyler, The Creator - What The Fuck Right Now

40. Honeyblood - Sea Hearts

39. Röyksopp featuring Susanne Sundfør - Never Ever

38. Cabbage - Uber Capitalist Death Trade

37. D.R.A.M. - Cash Machine

36. Kent Jones - Don’t Mind

35. Rihanna featuring Drake - Work

34. D.R.A.M. featuring Lil Yachty - Broccoli

33. Declan McKenna - Isombard

32. Anderson .Paak - Come Down

31. Raye - I, U, Us

30. Car Seat Headrest - Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales

29. (tie) Chain Restaurant - Weight of a Joke/Oiseaux - What You Need

28. Stellar - Sting

27. Lucy Dacus - I Don’t Wanna Be Funny Anymore

26. Shura - What’s It Gonna Be?

25. Pillow Person - Go Ahead

24. Lao Ra - Ban Boom

23. Captain Cuts featuring Nateur - Love Like We Used To

22. Girl Ray - Trouble

21. Fleur East - Sax

20. Breakbot - 2GOOD4Me

19. Maren Morris - 80s Mercedes

18. Fickle Friends - Swim

17. Bruno Mars - 24K Magic

16. KING - The Greatest

15. The Japanese House - Face Like Thunder

14. Petite Meller - Barbaric

13. Rae Sremmurd featuring Gucci Mane - Black Beatles

12. Kvelertak - 1985

11. YG & Nipsey Hustle - FDT (Fuck Donald Trump)

10. The Scary Jokes - Catabolic Seed

9. Tigertown - Lonely Cities

8. Free Cake For Every Creature - All You Gotta Be When You’re 23 Is Yourself

7. Joey Purp featuring Chance The Rapper - Girls

6. Kevin Abstract - Awake

5. Soft Hair - Lying Has To Stop:

4. Japanese Breakfast - Everybody Wants To Love You

3. Mitski - Your Best American Girl

2. Brad Neely’s Harg Nallin’ Sclopio Peepio - Pretty Much Everything