Deejaaay

3 x 10 lateral raises 18-20lbs

Had a long day at work, drove up to my grandmothers after work to help her with the computer and getting her wifi fixed . Earlier in the day before work Karen msged me saying she wanted our lives to be separate, this was after messaging her about how I didn’t feel right telling her the things I wanted to say before we broke things off. I felt a little upset majority of the day and thinking about if I should have even msged at all. I finally got back home after my gmas and my parents place and was about to go to sleep. I got a msg from a friend a long time ago named Robin he msged a way back getting me through the break up with Jess and the tonight randomly msged me needing to tell me about the thing he was going through therapy about msging his ex about getting closure and feelings off his chest. The same exact thing I was going through. Idk I just think god works in mysterious ways. Like out of all time this happened. It made me feel less weird for even msging her now that a friend called and we nearly talked for an hour. Robin after tonight you sound like a good person that truly understands. We also have gone through alot of similar things. I wish you the best with what you’re going through in life, I truly do.

I also started Gigi on her new food for anti allergens, some new thing purina added that stops cat allergies, now that I’m moving back in the van I think this will help tremendously while living back in the van.

All I think about is work now it’s so strange, I have managed to clean the van out more finally to get all my tools in. I do so much stuff from electrical, plumbing, drywall etc. I’ve learned so many more things on this journey. It’s been good focusing on myself. However I have been helping the family a lot, my grandmother, popo, and uncle Dante. I’m actually buying his VW this coming weekend and I’ll have something to work on again. I’m kind of excited and he is selling it really cheap. I’m hoping that this will be a good solution as it will also help me save gas driving to Temecula.

I got hired at another job at a property managment. I’ve been a traveling technician. It’s decent pay $28.25/hr and it’s getting the mortgage paid. I’ve been having a-lot of weird dreams/nightmares about my grandfather lately. I think I’ve just had a lot of trauma of his passing. Holding him when he had his heart attack I think did make some kind of imprint in my mind. Other than that this job is a blessing it keeps me busy with my hands and my mind doesn’t think to much about other things. My sister and I have been butting heads a lot about things over the house. We also still haven’t found out more info about my gpas burial but he is getting cremated and his viewing I hope is soon. My grandmother and I have got a lot closer. She’s opened up to me about still being in love with my gpa and she also showed me a letter he wrote to her after he cheated on her that she kept this whole time. A lot of puzzle pieces aligned while reading the letter. It explains a lot more about my gpa and gma. My gma also told me she was diagnosed with bipolar. I was super glad she came forward about it. However there is still a lot my gma needs to work on about her mental health. It saddens me to see her also getting so old. After my gpa passed I feel as if part of my life and past disappeared when he left. I’m also been really upset my grandmother through away all our photos when I was in Texas. So the very last time I saw it was with Yoselin. It was very strange because I ended up actually passing by her house today for work. It’s strange how so much time can go by. I’m just very glad I’m happy with this job, it’s very fitting for me.

My grandfather passed away this morning at the hospital. I haven’t slept at all since last night. I’m exhausted and tired. Crying and my anxiety is through the roof. It all came down to heart problems and internal bleeding.

Grandpa had a heart attack today in my arms and I had to call the ambulance to pick him up. Sitting outside the emergency

I started cooking a lot again. I haven’t posted in awhile. Haven’t had the words to express my feelings. I’ve been numb and content enough that I don’t need to write. I also stopped talking to Karen. I realized it wasn’t something I wanted she was poly, bpd, Filipina. Everything I wanted in a girl. For some reason I just didn’t want to work things out. I just didn’t feel like I was in the right place in my life to have a relationship. She also lived to far. We still are friends which I originally didn’t want. I wanted to block her out of my life. She talked me out of it.. for once in my life I’m actually not trying to actively sabotage this thing. Just let it be. I feel like Im kind of tired of being the old me. Burning bridges and maybe this might actually be the better option. I feel like I’ve been just floating along life right now…

So today Karen and I went to go ice skating I’ve been wanting to go for the longest time. I haven’t been in so freaking long. I totally forgot how to skate. I never fell the whole time. But right when I left her to finally go skate a lap myself she totally fell. We ended up getting food later at tofu house. I love it so much because she totally read my mind about going there. I love this place and I always wanted for someone to choose to go here and she decided too… we later went to go pick up some more soju. We headed back to my house and I finally got to show her around and introduced her to my gpa. She was so damn cute haha. We made it back to my room. Things got hot and heavy we both been waiting for so long and we finally hooked up. To my surprise she came so quick… multiple times. My ego was stroked lol. Tbh the sex was great but being able to finally be with someone after my last relationship. It was such a healing experience. I owe so much to her. She has no idea how much I appreciated this day… not mention even that the last couple days how incredible it was. She ended up taking a nap for a bit and we went to go sing karaoke. I tried to ignore going to Hive but our luck we had to end up going there. I started to get triggered pretty bad from my last relationship and old memories… but when we finally got our room it just all went away. I’m a horrible singer but things just felt so right singing with her. We were laughing our ass off to everything. I made her sing Calvin Harris slide song and she didn’t even know it… she kept trying to sing the whole song with the Chorus in the high pitched voice. I was dying. We finished eating and drinking and heading back to my place again. We fucked again.. and she came again. She was so scared to come another time. I think she really is starting to like me a lot. I do love her. We had our talk… I told her I know we should just remain friends because long distance is going to fuck us up. It’s hard to say things like that. But I had to keep my cool about it. I truly know it’s the best for us. We can’t do long distance with our bpd. I’m not sure right now because she’s here. But I’m sure when she’s gone I’m going to miss her. In Texas she was there for me. We talked all the time. I truly owe her a lot. The end of the night rolled around and I ended up taking her back home.

So I finally met Karen. She came down Sunday from Portland and is staying a couple weeks so we could go to Comic-Con together on Saturday. We were suppose to actually meet Tuesday for an art pop up. But we were both being super impulsive and I decided to go out 11pm Monday night to pick her up and grab a drink. We hit it off. It was really challenging not to be a hoe the first night. I’ve been really picky with girls this last couple weeks. Literally 6 capricorns in a row I’ve talked too…… We ended up meeting Tuesday. I picked up pills night before from my boy. Then the morning I went to pick up some fentanyl testing strips in grossmont to test the pills. We been wanting to roll together forever! Literally talked about it for a whole year! We decided to bar hop downtown first for a couple hours. We ended up finally at the museum and we popped in my van. It was great the museum was perfect place to roll 😭. Every art installation was bringing my roll up LOL. Some how we rolled for 6 hours straight. After we left the museum we went to liberty station to get orange juice at vons and vix stick. We ended up just going to the park there and cuddled for hours. It was such a healing moment. I wish I could have lasted there forever… we ended up moving because it turned night time. We decided to go to ob. We got to the beach and finally laid down and cuddle more. Just talking still rolling. We finally kissed. We started messing around, biting and feeling each other up…. You get the idea. But we already started talking about being more serious. I told her I wanted to but I was just scared. It wasn’t the fact of my past s.o. but the fact of how a relationships makes me. I don’t want to feel dependent or needing someone. She understood so well. It’s still up in the air. We equally denied eachother in the past I feel like we both are just never ready to want something at the same time.However, tmrw we’re going to sing karaoke together and get soju. We use to do it over FT all the time but we finally can do it in person. 🖤 I honestly love her and told her that I do. We’re both poly and it makes me happy because if anyone in the world understands me it’s her. Both Filipino, both have bpd, both poly. It’s kind of crazy it all started from this app here on tumblr 🤣🙏🏼 it’s weird that I’m scared to be with her. But I also feel safe. Out of all my ex’s she truly understands bpd and is a huge advocate for bpd. Such a damn turn on.