words i never said.

Or maybe not. Coming from nova especially, you grow up wanting the same thing: to get out of nova. The perpetual disdain for suburbia is ingrained in your mind since day one; it grows with time until you make sure you apply everywhere else (that isn't Mason) for school. Once you finish, the thought used to be rush to find your own place - establish a space that's your own. Call it culture or call it just how my life panned out, but I'm in no rush to do that.

I can admit I did things differently: I got close to my family after I left for school, I got a dog in undergrad and thus gained responsibilities. I can admit that adds to my not being in rush. But there are also some fundamentals behind that. See, I don't wanna go "apartment-broke" much like how I didn't wanna go "car-broke." I don't wanna constantly worry about money or live paycheck to paycheck just to say I have my own place. I don't want to move out just to have to move back later down the line. Contrastingly, I don't want my parents to pay a single cent to my living apart from them - I couldn't do it. I don't consider you a real adult if they still pay for your place, your utilities, hell even your health insurance. If they do, then what's the point? Don't claim to understand because you don't really have those "bills" to pay nor really have anything to budget for. Your gross income is yours for the taking.

I got interviews, I nailed a job. But just because it’s stipend and not salaried, you don’t like it. Just because it’s for a theatre company, you don’t like it. Just because they pay for my housing AND utilities in DC, you don’t want it. 

It’s not good enough for you. It’s not good enough even though it is EXACTLY what I want to do. And when I try to explain how it’s what I want and how there’ll always be solely marketing jobs out there and how it’s ONE YEAR - you think that I’m not seeing the bigger picture, that I’m being closed minded. Me. Close-minded? All I’ve thought about the past couple months was this damn family and all the shit we are going through - largely because of you guys. So though I am thankful, I am resentful as hell. 

The one “rule” I had when looking for jobs post-grad is no cold-calling. I’m sure that I would make maybe one a day, but not a position where I would be cold-calling from 9-5. That was it, that was the one thing I didn’t want. Because I don’t want to come home at the end of the day angry, resentful, and unhappy. I want to enjoy the work that I do and see the difference I can make - more than just heightened numbers on a spread sheet. And what’s wrong with being happy and loving what you do? You both realize now that you don’t like what you do, or who you work for - so why not let me do the same? Let me love my work from the beginning. 

...knowing that I’ll have to settle. That I’ll probably be stuck with a stuffy, marketing position, which is great for experience, but it’s not in the arts. I think this hit me with my phone interviews with this one government IT solutions company. Great position, great location, but not in my industry. Not in the industry I want. 

Meanwhile, I have peers getting job offers specifically for great companies, friends getting into the Brandcenter - and that’s fantastic! I am so happy for them. But It’s saddening to think about that I won’t get those same sentiments of joy and overwhelmingness and for what? Because I’m cross-disciplinary? Because I want to be a part of something innovative and in two contrasting fields? Because I can’t use Adobe Creative Suite? Because what I would want my masters to be in a bit of everything?