Dandanieeri

(7) Tearful Goodbye

So ngayon, birthday mo, sobrang bumalik sa'kin lahat. Ini-story ko huling letter ko para sa'yo while crying kasi deputa, bumalik lahat ng alam kong sakit na dinulot ko sa'yo. /sa art acct ko/

Yung story ko ngayon - yung kanta, I'm not sure kung may nakakita nuong letter ko para sayo, out of less than 10 na may kakilala sakin don. I just wanted you to know na I shared that story kasi iniisip ko na point of view mo'yon, na ganun kita nasaktan. I love songs na maganda ang meaning, at sobrang bitter ko sa kantang iyon kasi that reminds me of how I left you, and kung anong naramdaman mo after that.

I wanted you to know na inisip ko at lagi kong tinatry tumayo sa katayuan mo if ever ako yung ibreak ng taong mahal ko, I always think of you. It's always full of bitterness, sorrow, and regrets. Mas nangingibabaw yon.

"Even if I comfort you and asked you why you've changed, you drift away" Sorry kasi nagbago ako, at kahit itanong mo sa'kin kung bakit, alam mong aalis at aalis ako.

"So meet someone that's better than me, I hope you can smile with him." Nakakalungkot at nakakaguilty ulit kasi all this time, I've been trying my best to forget the pain. Akala ko wala na rin talagang sakit... Sana nga wala na, pero bakit ganito pa rin ako ngayon.

Tbh interested na ako sa isang tao e, but ngayong araw na'to, nawala lahat. Na-reset. Nung nakita ko sya /through Meeting / alam ko sa sarili ko hindi ganun kalalim ang pagkagusto ko sa kanya, at narealize ko na dun lang talaga sa idea na masarap magkaron ng crush ako inlove, hindi mismo sa tao. All of these realizations hit me all of the sudden. Nakakalungkot kasi hindi pa pala ako moved on, pero baka tama nga lang sa'kin ito, ako ang na-fall out eh. Pero ang empty lang, ang lungkot pala na alam mo sa sarili mo na kulang ka, na may emptiness sa sarili mo.

"As you drift away, you fade away because we loved each other

Let's say our last goodbyes

I pray that before this time ends, you can find happiness

Let's not forget our love."

I'm quite having regrets, I know sa mga past na blogs ko, galit ako sa'yo, yung mga mistakes mo at lahat... I tried to recall, mas naging bitter ako. I tried to think what if pwede ulit, napailing ako. Hindi ko talaga kaya.

Not only for me, pero para sa'yo rin. I will never attempt to go back to you, kasi alam ko kung gaano kita nasaktan. Kahit na siguro countless yung masasayang time natin together, isang bagsak, masakit 'yong lahat para sa'yo. Kaya alam ko nung sinabi ko sayo dati na "Sana wag mo kalimutan memories natin." That was a lie. Sana pala hindi ko sinabi yon.

Sana hindi mo na yun maalala. Sana hindi mo na ako maalala. Sana hindi mo maalala na nagbibigay ako sa'yo lagi ng letter tuwing birthday mo. Sana hindi mo maalala na nagbigay ka sa'kin ng letter nung birthday ko. Para hindi ka malungkot.

I might be having regrets... Hindi ko alam kung saang parte yon e.

Kung nireregret kong makilala ka.

Kung nireregret kong minahal kita.

Kasi kung ang katapusan din naman ng dalwang to ay yung masaktan kita, siguro nga nireregret ko yon lahat. Pero ang masakit nga ay natapos na, so I regret it. Sana siguro mas inalagaan kita. Sana mas pinagdasal kita.

I gave you last and beautiful good bye, yung full of hope. Sorry kasi that's a white lie. But I had to say it para kunware hopeful at hindi masyado masakit, pero alam kong imposible. Kinonvince ko lang talaga ang sarili ko na ganun kasi kelangan kong tapusin ang relationship natin noon.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa atin ngayon. Pero sana ay okay ka na. I really hope na okay ka na. Sana may kausap ka nang iba para sya na magpapasaya sa'yo kasi hindi ako yon e. Sana nakalimutan mo na ang lahat ng sakit. Sana nakakangiti ka nang tunay. Kasi once na makita ko yon, I might not regret this. Once na makita ko yon, that's when I know I can look at you without crying and regretting everything.

(6) Hidden

*Please ignore kung hindi interested, personal blog. This is me trying to reason out why I am like this.

And maybe hindi lang ako ito na nakakaranas ng kawalan ng confidence sa sarili. I know madaming tao na walang confidence but yeah, this is all about me.

First of all. Sobrang conscious akong tao.

I'm REALLY afraid kung anong sasabihin sa akin ng ibang tao. Kaya out of sa lahat ng kaklase ko nung HS, 2 lang may alam ng tunay kong personality (yung mga imperfections, kapangitan ng ugali ko and my mistakes)

Tbh ang tawag sa'kin nung HS ako Mama+myname dahil ng Mama - motherly figure ako and Mama Mary po yan dahil kamukha ko raw si Mama Mary /nauso yung movie ni Tony G. at Piolo. My friends among my classmates in HS actually called me that and that I am truly kind kasi lowkey lang ako. (Di po kasi ako nakikipagkompetensya sa academics sa section namin at walang nakaaway buong HS life ko. Kaya tingin nila mabait ako.) Pero like nakaenclose na sakin yon, buong HS life ko, dito lang ako sa Mabait. Nobody really tried to ask me about things. Di ko na lang din maalala. What I know is ako lang yung naiimpluwensyahan. Si J lang talaga yung sinabayan ako sa gusto ko, sumali sya sa Art Club para kasama ko sya kahit na hindi sya masyadong magaling sa art katulad ng iba.

It's not that peke yung pinapakita ko sa kanila... Ako pa rin naman yon eh. Kumbaga yung alam nila ay yung mababaw na ako, and wala pa sila dun sa malalim na ako. Yung 2 ko lang na bestfriends nung HS are the ones who really knew truths about me.

And now pagdating din ng College, ganun pa rin ako. I really thought magbabago ako and gain more confidence sa art ko and sa sarili ko. Unfortunately, konting improvement lang AT nagsimula lang yon nung nakasama ko ang 3 lukarit.

Still, sobrang conscious ako sa sasabihin ng iba kaya all smiles ako sa lahat /tho sanay na ako and smile brings positive energy/ Tbh ngayong College lang ako nakarinig ng compliments. Among my relatives, none at all. Among my HS friends, well they always told me I'm kind.

Kaya sobrang awkward kong magtake ng compliments. I mean, yas I LOVE compliments /sa mukha ko, sa art ko, sa utak ko/ BUT di ko alam ang irereact ng mukha ko at sasabihin ng bibig ko. I kept on thinking "Okay lang ba kung magte Thank you lang ako?" "Ibabalik ko ba sa kanya yung puri?" "Sasabihin ko ba 'Luh mas maganda nga to kay ganern o mas maganda ka'" Kaya if makakausap mo'ko, even sa chat, medyo matagal ako magreply kasi iisipin ko pa kung di ka maooffend sa sasabihin ko.

Tbh 4 na tao lang yung as in magrereply akong straight, (3g1b) and minsan din iniisip ko pa rin lahat bago magreply sa kanila. Maaari sabihin nila "Di naman siguro maooffend yan," well yeah they might not get offended but they will get AWKWARD. This is one of the main reasons why nagtatagal din ako magreply... Even kapag may kausap talaga ako or in a group /not in chat/ magsasalita ako and then matitigil na yung convo na ako yung huling nagsalita, sobrang nakakaawkward potek. Lmao.

Kaya I mostly stay quiet or just laugh with them kapag may ganung scenario. So ganun, no confidence, no good communication skills. Magrereact lang sa story ng classmate na maganda, ang natakbo sa utak ko, "Luh ngayon lang ako magrereact, baka maawkward/magulat sya kung bakit ako nagreact."

Yup, I hate my thoughts.

So I created another account in Twitter and IG just to freely express myself without minding kung sino mangja judge. And there nasasabi ko ang thoughts, rants ko, nakakapagstory ng mukha ko at mga ginagawa ko sa buhay. Unlike them na sa mismong real account nila nakakapagstory ng mga gusto nilang ishare.

Naiisip ko rin kung anong mali sa ishe share ko, alam kong wala, pero if magstory ako, daming magrereact and I don't effing know how to react/what to say to them. AND if magstory ako, I'm bothered and I will keep on thinking about that story for 24 hrs "Luh baka may manghate saken or ganon." Nafru frustrate rin ako sa sarili ko AHAHAHAHA.

So ganon na lang din, minsan nakakakuha ng confidence, okay post sa real account sa IG ng matino, pero like if random ding napasok minsan ang confidence ko na gusto kong magpost/magstory sa IG, todo hanap pa ng mga magandang quotes and everything... Kapag andun na sa 'Share,' nabackout na lang ako. Nasa isip ko "Bakit ko to ipopost?" "Ano ba pake nila saken?" "Ano kaya sasabihin nila rito?" Ganuuuuunnn I hate that.

At honestly, gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, nagka confidence lang ako nung nakasama ko 3 lukarit. At konting praises and everything ng friends at classmates. Simula nung nagkasama kami, nakapaggawa ako ng art account ko sa IG kasi nakikita ko sa kanila na ginagawa nila gusto nila. After thesis lang ako nagkaron ng art account... Si A magaling mag edit ng vids and aesthetic, Si L magaling magcompose at kumanta, Si D magaling magluto, and everyone knows that. Ako ba, ano bang alam ng iba sa akin.

Yan naisip ko rin to why I started that account kaya sobra sobra ako magpopost don ng ginagawa ko sa buhay. ALTHOUGH hindi pa rin alam ng lahat na may ganun ako and hindi ko balak na ipaalam purposely sa kanila. If they like my art kung mapadaan sila sa account na yon, then follow me. Kasi I'm bothered na halos araw aeaw ako nagpo post, baka makulitan sakin at may kung anong masabi pa. Sobrang overthink ga. Ganern. Hadya nako nagkaron ng followers don and I'm proud din kasi di ko sila kilala so baka nagustuhan nila ang ginagawa ko. although yung iba support accounts but yeah hilahan lang to pataas. They support me and ako rin sa mga art accounts.

Nalaman ko na lang din ang pagsusulat at pagdo drawing nung 3rd year HS ako dahil ng aking bestfriend. Though ang dami ko pa nasulat non bago dumami ang views. Syempre pag nagpost ka ng art mo, eexpect mo madaming magkakagusto non, pero nuong HS, pinost ko na sa lahat ng sites na alam ko, wala pa rin. But andun na yon e, so hayaan ko na lang, kung sino makapansin, happy reading lang ganern. Naboost lang din non confidence ko sa pagsusulat after 4 yrs na nakapost sa wattpad yon, madaming viewers and comments, pero busy busyhan na nung College, hindi nako nakakagawa ng magandang istorya katulad non. Parang shet, nangalawang nako, so nag poem na lang ako. At tsaka rants. 🤣

So ngayon, bago ko sinimulang sulatin tong blog na ito, inisip ko kung bakit ako ganito. Like kung dahil ng environment or what. I know malaking parte yung confidence ko so ako ang rason kung bakit ako ganto. But I tried to look at my parents at yung kinalakhan ko hanggang HS na they never really had complimented me. I mean i know na better yon kesa sa fake support and smile di ba /pertains to HS classmates/ But sa isip ko, ang laking impact nung sa parents ko. I know hindi expressive parents ko tas si Papa nasa abroad. So I take on my mom, ni isa naman saming magkakapatid wala syang binigyan ng "praise." BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG, kaya yan naka air-quote ay dahil alam ko naman sa sarili ko na proud sya saming lahat and I don't really have a big problem with that. Ganun sya eh, at naging ganun din ako. I rarely compliment a person. Kasi iisipin ko, pagkatapos ko sya icompliment, ano sunod kong sasabihin. 🤣🤣

What bothered me dati sa mga relatives ko ay "Sayang chuchuchu." "Sayang gandang babae di nagsho shorts." "Sayang katangkad haba ng legs di nagshoshorts." At ngayon napapatawa na lang ako dahil ng mga sayang na yan. Ang dami ko kayang stretch marks non sa tuhod (dahil ng pantal na allergies) tas ang itim pa ng tuhod ko, kaya di rin ako naniwala. Tsaka if magshort ako, jusko pupunahin na ng buong kamag anakan ko at himalang nagshorts ako. Nang aamboy ganun, kaya never never ako nagshorts hanggang makatapos ng HS, hanggang pedal lang ako.

And siguro dahil nakalakhan ko na rin na si Ate yung nape praise, then pagdating sakin, joke na. "Yun si Ate Top 1, quizzer, Valedictorian." Pagdating sakin "Yan si M tomboy, chess lang ki-chess, are panuorin mo tong anime na are" So don nagsisimula ang kwentuhan at jokes /like everytime na may get together./ But I didn't take it in a bad way kasi may honor din ako nung elem days. And alam ko rin kung ano kaya kong gawin, magaling akong magchinese garter nong elem, maayos nako magdrawing at sumulat nung HS, mas umayos akong magdrawing nung College, tsaka magrant CHAR. GANERN. Ganon ko lang kino compare sarili ko until now. Magaling sya sa ganto, at least magaling ako sa ganto. So I do my own business lang ganern.

So I do think na I have confidence sa sarili ko, na hindi ako mas mababa sa kanila, kumbaga ibang kategorya lang ako, the problem is, hindi ko kaya ilabas yung confidence na yon nang ako lang. i just do that for academic reasons but when pertaining to my own art and myself, talo ako dyan.

Tsaka siguro maiisip din ng iba, buti ka nga, may alam kang gawin, matalino ganto ganyan. Pero yun na nga, matalino nga ako, madaming drawings, madaming published stories, pero bakit wala pa ring confidence. I invested so much on these things, sobrang hirap na ikimkim nang ganito yung art ko na gusto ko nakikita at naaappreciate rin ng iba. Sobrang hirap na feel ko ang ganda ko ngayong araw, feel ko ang ganda ko sa picture na to pero di ko maishare kasi takot ako sa sasabihin ng iba. So please don't think na buti pa ako, don't say "Ikaw na magaling. Ikaw na ang madaming alam. Ikaw na ang madaming kayang gawin," /yup may nagsabi na sa akin nyan./ Have confidence? I've been trying to have that since the time I realized the things that I can do. And it's hard.

___

P.S.

I'm still trying. I'm not closed to improving myself. And again, this is a rant.

And (6)STINSA po ito sadya kasi I have the (5) STINSA that I can't or won't(?) publish.

And I'm just one of his words.

(4) Little Sacrifices

*This is me being selfish. These words are personal and hurtful feelings saying how unfair he was. // doesn't change that I was the one who was wrong for falling out of love

Loving him made me realize that I was capable of learning somethinf that I had never had an interest before. AKA Playing Online Games.

First to second year of our relationship...

When we're together, you spent most of your time playing games. I let you because that was what you wanted until it reached to the point that all of your day was spent because of that Online Game with minimum amount of time for me. So like all any other girls, I became jealous.

So what I did was I learned to play that Online Game you spent your day with. So that we both can interact and play the game. I didn't have to be mad at you. I didn't have to be lonely. So problem solved! It was going pretty well, and you even got profit from that game and I also enjoyed it.

Third year of our relationship...

The next game is that famous Mobile Legends... You spent most of your time playing that so I might as well learn how to play that, so I did. And again, we both played it together and spent our time with it. Problem solved! And to be honest, I enjoyed playing the game too.

But then things changed, I broke up with you. You told me to give you a chance. I did give you a chance by labeling our relationship as M.U. And by this time, I was engrossed in playing an older version of Harvest Moon, and you said that you played a newer version.

So we exchanged information about it and decided to play it... I did it so that we could have another thing to talk about. I gave him a copy of my game and he did give me his as well.

At first, I told myself to not play the game until he played that game I recommended him. Para naman patas out of the 2 online games I learned. But I became bored with mine so I played the newer version of the game.

I jotted down some notes for the endings of that game so I can share it with him and we can exchange information about it also.

I always chatted him about my updates about the game and I even gotten past him with the season in that game.

Then I asked him if he had played the older version of the game which I gave. He hadn't. And that hit me. I don't know but I really find it unfair because I learned and even jotted down notes for the game while he hadn't even played that older version.

It realy upsetted me because all the time I was putting an effort to have some conversation which can flow naturally since we both know about it, yet he didn't. I played the game he recommended so can't he do the same? For me? Kasi ang puros conversation lang namin noon, kamusta ka na. Ano gawa mo. Every single day. Walang bago.

That was the reason why I learned all of these games so we can have a time and topic we had experienced, played and enjoyed over.

All of these times... I'm the only one putting an effort in situations like this. I don't need your skinship. I don't need that. I need your effort, care, support on the things I love, on my achievements, on little things like these... I don't need your clinginess, I don't need your wrath over me not being clingy enough.

Kapag may sleepover tayo ng barkada sa bahay, ikaw katabi ko sa higaan, without even batting an eye to what my parents will say. But no, I just ignored it. Baket? Kasi nung one time na hindi kita pinatabi sakin sa higaan, nagalit ka saken di ba. Samantalang kapag sa bahay nyo may overnightan, at sa kubo nyo lagi natutulog ang barkada, ni hindi ka makatulog sa kubo at makatabi sakin kahit sa upuan dahil takot ka sa sasabihin ng magulang mo, di ba?! Kaiyamot ka.

At kapag lagi ka andito sa bahay, ni hindi ka nagbe bless sa mama ko, kapag lang andyan ang barkada. Kahit kinukurit na kita at pinagbe bless kita, ayaw mo kase nahihiya ka?! Aba sa tatlong taon natin nahiya ka pa sa mama ko.

Pakaunfair mong hinayupak ka, sana kaya kong magalit di ba?! Pero hindi kasi iiyak lang ako tas magso sorry ka tas okay nako di ba. Kapag ikaw, nahantong pa sa iyakan sa daan dahil ayaw moko patawarin. Baket? Dahil mali ang katwiran ko, na dapat ikaw ang tama at mali ang logic ko, ulol.

At times, nagagalit talaga ako kapag naiisip ko mga ganto. (Like now) maybe these are one of the reasons why... Maaari nga sigurong nagsawa na'ko. Maaari nga sigurong ayaw ko nang matrato nang ganoong paulit ulit.

(3) The thing I am bitter the most in our relationship.

*Please ignore kung hindi interested, personal blog. I wrote this not to impose hate on the other person.

My personality and likes are molded when I was in Highschool. Me and my 2 best friends always hand each other Open Letters and Poems. So I was accustomed to that sincerity of feelings through letters.

Because I am not really an expressive person, I am often silent and hate to show skinship when others are around. I don't actually say I love you to my family and we never really lean onto each other (even when relaxing) So letters are my tool to express my love.

I mean not only letters but I also express love with care and support to the other person.

In our first year together, I've given him a lot of letters. They were open letters that says... "Open When you're tired... Open when you're happy... Reasons Why I Love You." These are few of the letters I sent him.

Sa pinakaunang letter na binigay ko sa kanya... Pagkabasa nya sa fastfood resto kung saan ko binigay sa kanya, binalik nya sa akin agad... And he said, "I have to give it back to you, I don't want my parents to know."

I WAS TAKEN ABACK. That is the first time I am sure that I felt I loved a person but my letters for him were given back to me... These were not mere 'letters' because that was me saying I will always love you.

But that time, I said 'Sure, okay, that's fine because we're not yet legal to our parents.' So I still gave him letters on Christmas, and New Year. But these were all given back to me right away after he read the content.

In our 2nd year... It was his birthday, and I gave him this big Open Letter so that he can actually bring it with him and happily read and keep it there. Well, he had no idea that it was a letter. So when he got home, I chatted him and told him that it was a letter and that he should read those because it was different from the ones I gave him.

But the next day, he gave it back to me at school. It's just really sad because I really spent a week to make it fancy and within just a day, that was given back to me. I mean, it's a letter for him so why give it back to the sender? Logic?

I was really mad and sad that time, so I decided to not give him letters anymore. So on the succeeding ocassions, I just give him things that he liked to receive. So I guess he wasn't that kind of person that's why I didn't complain about him about this even once. Because I didn't want him to unwillingly accept the letters I gave him just because I was sad and upset about it. I wanted him to accept it without any outside reasons and because he wants it truthfully.

I don't and won't tell him about these things in the future, if we'd have confrontations because I know that this will just add up to the bitter feelings we have. And if I tell him about these things, I am sure that everything will be broken... I mean, I know we still have that little amount of friendship for each other as to we are not really strangers. I mean, we're civil, and to be honest, I wanted to be friends again if we can in the future.

So then we broke up the third year, at first, he didn't want to break up, so I gave him a chance. I told him that he can still chat me any time. And I decided that we were M.U... Since I also thought that I can still go back and that I can love him again.

But he was an impatient person, and I know and I can see that he didn't want to wait for me and that we can just go back together quickly. I was pressured because of that, that is why I really cut off the relationship 2 months later. I didn't want to lie anymore. So thus, that decision.

Within those 2 months, we have every night confrontations and tears, but we also go on a date or two? And he gave me a box with flowers and a letter. I was surprised that he gave me a letter... But it was bitter... "Ibigay mo ulit sakin ang mga letters na binigay mo sakin dati kapag mahal mo na ulit ako."

(2) Achievements VS You

*Please ignore kung hindi interested, personal blog. I wrote this not to impose hate on the other person.

It's funny kasi konti na nga lang ang achievements ko ngayong college life, lagi kang galit or iyamot. As if you never really cared about those. As if you were never really proud of me. Kasi mas inuuna mo yung galit dahil hindi ko nagawa ang gusto mo at dahil nagkagalit tayo.

It'a funny kasi napatapat talaga ron. You were really selfish. And you might be still.

I'll just include 2 concrete things...

First, third year of college, my first quiz bee in our department, I won 2nd place. You were never there at the start of my contest and just appeared at the end, asking how it went. You knew I was 2nd place and that the student who won the 1st is one of our friends.

But you never gave me a break...

I barely remember why we fought that afternoon and at the time and place of the awardings. But I know that it was because of some little thing which got bigger kaya sobra kang naiyamot. Ang ending - sabi mo sakin uuwi ka na. And I let you kasi galit ako and I have an award to take.

Naisip ko non. Is that really much much more important? Is his anger and impatience much more important than being proud of me? He texted and chatted me a lot of times saying that he'll really go home. I never cared because who wouldn't be sad about that? Unang award na makukuha mo katumbas sa paghahabol sa taong walang pake sa achievements mo? Like how sad could it get?

I was really torn when I saw his message about him waiting outside the school gates and demanding me to come over there so that we could talk. And now ngayon ko lang nari-realize na he never really cared about my achievement - a thing that I was proud of. Kasi to be honest, yun din yung first award ko na may place ako ever since.

Pero eto umiral si katangahan, so I went to the convenience store where he was waiting and we tlaked it out. And I never cared. I never cared about whether I was being called on stage. Mahal ko e, at that time. Then my friend texted me, so I told him I have to go. But he stopped me. He said "10 minutes." So I gave him that 10 minutes... And then I went back to school, alone.

Sorry, ngayon ko lang nari-realize kung gano ko sya pinagbibigyan dati. Iyamot din ako sa sarili ko ngayon.

So there, I went back and took my award. I was called twice to the stage. It was embarrassing. But I was really looking forward to it as well because I earned it. But it's just... sad.

The 2nd time I won an achievement where he never cared or was not proud was in a social gathering of the architecture students in the country.

Sooo... I made a lot of good friends in my team.. How? Because I was the leader of that team. First time I lead a group composed of members I didn't really know. I was happy because they treated me like an older sister.

So at the night of the event was where we were all dressed up for the formal gathering and announcements of winners. And it was the last night of the 3-day event.

So my groupmates chatted me because we were about to take pictures at the back of the hall. I asked him for permission, so I went but our members were not completed at that time so I went back to our table.

The second time I was called, we were about to eat so he really got mad at me. But maybe I was too overwhelmed, but my members were mentioning me in the group chat and a few minutes wouldn't hurt?! It's just me taking photos with them. But he was mad so I missed them.

And then when he was eating and got called by his members too, he just got up and went to the back and took pictures with other members. So I was like "huhh??!! Can't you tell me about that at least? You excused yourself going to the bathroom and then a few suspicious minutes later, you told me that you had taken a picture with them."

That pissed me off. So I didn't look at him for the whole time of the event until my members called me again so we could take a picture again completely. I told him that I was going, then he gave me a disapproving look, but I did what I wanted to do.

I went there at the back and saw all of them greeting me "Ate." I hope you understand the feeling where you have created friends in a short span of time and in 3 days, you'll be missing them because you had to go on in you own lives. So I was just thinking to at least have a remembrance for that happy moment.

My reason is this. I am not really an outgoing type of person. My friends would know that and will probably be surprised knowing this side of my story. If I know someone in the area, I would stick to them like glue and my world will revolve around that person only, and the ones he/she talks to. Even with my group of friends, I don't really make a conversation, either I just go along with it or I laugh at our convos. I don't make one because I know it's not my strong suit, I'm awkward and I overthink if they'd have interest of what my topic is, because I am usually boring.

That is why in that particular moment where I created friends on my own, it's overwhelming and it's fun because you know that it'll end sooner. No drama, just fun.

So that's my core with this 2nd thing. Along with that was when we were announced as the Champion for the team building, I looked at him and he was not smiling, while I looked at my other friends and they were smiling or clapping at the moment.

So like, I was your girlfriend at the time, and I was the leader of that group... Couldn't he at least smile?? To think that we were already almost 3 years in our relationship, couldn't he tell what I was thinking about? I know he was jealous but there's really nothing to be jealous about, it's the last night anyway and never once I entertained another person. So why?

And now I think that he might not be really proud of me. Well maybe at some times, but... Why not at all times?

I just feel unfair.

Another thing.... In our first years, we resorted to cheating in exams and when I cannot find an opportunity to let him copy my answers, either because of the professor or I was scared, he gets mad at me.

(1) Personal Experience about Falling out of Love

*Please ignore kung hindi interested, personal blog. I wrote this not to impose hate on the other person.

People who fell out of love are usually misunderstood and blamed.

Well this will be subjective kasi this is my experience and others might have different perspectives about this.

Yes it is true, tunay naman sadya na we are to blame kasi we fell out of love.

But some judge us, 'Luh, how can you actually fell out of it, maybe you don't really love him' and there are instances na people will give a look dahil di nila ineexpect kung bakit ako nafall out like how they see 'cheaters' at 'hindi tunay na nagmamahal.'

And yes, naramdaman at naranasan ko na mabigyan ng tingin na parang sinasabihan ako na 'shet katulad ka pala nila'. Nagulat sila, I understand that, ang sakit lang din dahil sa isang tingin nila nung marinig nila na ako yung nafall out, alam kong najudge ako. But I know somehow that it was because sila ay laging iniiwan. They knew the other person's pain.

So I wished na sana mafall out of love na rin sila. Para they will know how I felt. Alam ko it will sound to others na wala akong karapatang masaktan kais ako yung nanakit. Pero I want those people to know na sana nga hindi na lang ako nasaktan, sana alam nila na ang hirap hindi masaktan. I wished na yung relationship na pinagdasal nila, na inalagaan nila, sila yung mafall out. So that they won't look at me that same way again.

Masakit din mafall out. Naiwan na ako dahil may iba, naiwan na ako dahil ayaw na sakin, at meron ding hindi talaga ako pinansin. I may not know every pain about being left, pero I know, it is never painless.

3 years ang relationship ko, ang daming ups and downs, madaming luha, madaming pagtitiis. I won't deny na madaming happy moments at yung trust namin sa isa't isa, sobrang ideal. Walang third party, konting selos lang, kahit san pwede gumimik basta konting update, thus I don't regret meeting him.

/Before BREAKUP/

nung dumating ako sa point na kine question ko ang sarili ko kung okay pa ako, kung mahal ko pa sya - that's where the torture starts.

Every night, masakit.

Every night, nanghihinayang ako.

Every night, nagagalit ako sa sarili ko.

Every night, sobrang nalilito ako.

Lagi ako nagi guilty kasi I had hope for us. Pinagdadasal ko lagi kay God ang relationship namin, naiyak ako kay God pag nasasaktan ako, nagku kwento ako na masaya ako at sana talaga sya na yung nilaan Nya para sa akin. So I don't really know what went wrong. So parang narealize ko na kapag sa ibang movies na sinasabi nilang hindi nila alam kung bakit nawala... Baka nga hindi nila alam. Kasi hindi ko rin alam. Ang daming rason na pwedeng yun ang dahilan, pero I can still reason out na hindi pwedeng yon lang ang dahilan kung bakit ako nafall out. Kasi may attitude at ugali akong hindi kamahal mahal, so bakit sya hindi na fall out while I did. So sobrang nakakahiya dahil alam kong ako ang may mali.

Kasi he was changing for the better. He was changing for me. I saw that. Our friends saw that. 'So bakit ang arte ko' sabi ko sa sarili ko. Bakit ako nafall out.

Lagi kong tinatanong ang sarili ko, 'Pinagdasal ko ito kay God, so bakit ako ganto.' I have told myself every reason para mapunta sa kanya ang blame para mawala yung guilt ko nang kaunti, pero no, kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na ako ang nawala. So in the end kinain ko lahat yon. Every moment maiisip ko sayang ang 3 years. Sayang yung pagtitiis ko. Sayang yung love nya.

I started asking myself about it 6 months before our break up. 6 months, I still told myself baka may pag asa pa so hindi ako bibitaw. But he knew it... He saw it. And I realized couldn't escape. Isa lang kakahantungan nito. Breakup.

/DURING BREAKUP/

So if someone says na 'bigla na lang nawala yung love ko' it is either hindi ka minahal, or nagsisinungaling sya or hindi sya aware kasi ang hirap aminin sa sarili. Dahil it takes so so much courage na aminin sa taong minahal mo at minahal ka, sa taong pinaglaanan mo ng oras at pinaglaanan ka ng oras, sa taong pinagkatiwalaan mo at pinagkatiwalaan ka na sabihing 'Hindi na kita mahal.' Sobrang nakakadrain ng utak, luha, emosyon. Sobrang sakit aminin sa sarili mo na nawala na yung love mo sa kanya. At sobrang mas masakit aminin sa kanya na wala na yung love mo habang naiiyak sya. Kaya hindi yan biglaang nawala, sobrang bagal at sakit na proseso - questioning yourself araw araw, anger at the other person, anger at yourself, denial, realization - hindi yan biglaan.

Yung tipong nasasaktan na ako nung marealize ko na wala na talaga, na lagi ko sinasabihan sarili ko na ang tanga ko... Tapos nung inamin ko at nakita yung reaksyon nya... Nakakadurog. Paulit ulit yon araw araw, mag iisip ulit ako kung bakit ko nagawa yon, sisisihin ko ang sarili ko kung bakit ako ganto.

At hindi mawawala yung nakikita ko sya non pag may klase sa school, magha hang out with barkada. Yung alam kong malungkot sya, yung alam kong tinitingnan nya ako. Hindi ko sya matingnan kasi nasaktan ko sya. Alam kong nasaktan ko sya. So I have to ignore him. Kasi ako yung makapal ang mukha.

Then sa gabi gabi non, icha chat nya ako, kung bakit nagkaganoon. Kung gano ko gusto kalimutan lahat ng sakit at guilt noon, gabi gabi nabalik sakin dahil gabi gabi ang hantong ng chat namin ay magtatanong sya sakin kung anong nangyari. So ganun ulit. Uulitin ko mga naiisip ko, uulitin ko mga rason ko na hindi sapat na dahilan kasi ako mismo hindi ko alam kung bakit nagkaganon. So ang ending, nasaktan ko na naman sya. Luhaan kami parehas ulit. Guilty ako ulit. Galit ako sa sarili ko ulit.

Iyakin akong tao. Pag malungkot ako, go iiyak ako. Pag galit ako, oo naiyak din ako. So since parehas akong malungkot at galit, ganun lang, iiyak ako lagi pag magrereply sa kanya ng mga rason. Magso sorry nang magso sorry dahil wala na akong magagawa. Wala na e. Ayaw kong magsinungaling at paasahin sya. Dahil nagbago ako. Nalaman ko kung anong gusto ko. Nalaman ko kung sino ako.

Ang sarap kalimutan, pero hindi ko kaya. Akala ko hindi rin ako makakasakit ng tao, kasi akala ko alam ko kung paano ako magmahal... Pero mahirap. Masakit.

/AFTER BREAKUP/

I just feel empty. To be honest... Nagawa na lang ako ng kahit ano para di ako mag isip. Nagdo drawing, nagsusulat, nanunuod, naiistress sa thesis... Lahat basta busy ako para di ko maisip na nakasakit ako ng tao, ng taong mahal ako, ng taong best friend ako.

Ang sakit at nakakahinayang kasi hindi lang ako 'girl friend' para sa kanya. Best friend nya rin ako. To be frank, there's one time na feel ko na ako ang mundo nya. I didn't like it. He never really cared for others, just a few though, mga less than 5 people lang talaga yung pinagkakatiwalaan nya within barkada. But he was nice to others, though many he ignored. So sa kaunting taong yon ako ang nasa pinakataas, ako rin ang bumaba nang kusa. I fucking hurt him. And tangina ang sakit non sa akin. Sobrang disappointed ako sa sarili ko kasi I might change him. I might change the way he loves his person unconditionally and naturally. Ang tanga ko.

6 months na ang lumipas, masakit pa rin. Parang ang sarap na hindi na lang magmahal, pero lately naiisip ko parang ang sarap magmahal ulit... Pero pano pag nafall out ako ulit. Same process. Same dilemma. Same suffering. So parang wag na lang.

Ang hirap kasi naranasan ko na yung warmth at yung sarap pag mahal ka ng mahal mo... So ang sarap maging hopeful na sa future na ganun mararamdaman ko ulit.

Pero sobrang sakit at nakakatakot na baka mafall out of love ako ulit, na baka makasakit ako ng importanteng kaibigan at tao. So parang wag na lang maging hopeful para di ko na ulit maranasang mafall out.

So when I say na we are often misunderstood and blamed. That's both true. We are to be blamed. that's a fucking yes. We are misunderstood. Yes, because falling out of love doesn't mean we are not hurting just because we don't love that person anymore.

Ang hirap before, during, and after break up.

Parang mas madali na lang sanang maiwan kasi during and after break up lang yung suffering.

I'm not saying na walang karapatan na masaktan yung naiwan kasi alam ko na hindi madaling maiwan, na masakit maiwan. Naranasan ko na rin yan. Maybe not to the same extent of pain like others. But I did.

Sa isang relationship /na walang third party/ *based on my experience

Then I'd rather not fall in love at all

I prayed for us

When that mistake happened

That should have been my sign

I cried at that moment

But you didn't understand

You didn't respect me

Because you just wanted it

Maybe that's what I've been praying for

That I didn't know was the answer

That was 2 years ago but now I know

That right from the start

You're not the one God has given me

And that I am not the right one for you

That's why I said goodbye

But thank you

I might have regrets

Maybe you will come to love me too

If only you knew how many letters I had actually given you properly

If only you didn't give it back to me...

This might have end in another way

Lurking in the corner of my old treasure box

Are the memories I had back then with you

Closing my eyes, I remember you throwing rocks

On my window that was still filled with morning dew

We jumped on each other and laughed at everything together

We stayed beside one another even if the flowers wither

From playing with the fallen leaves to making angels on snow

From building sandcastles on beach to picking up flowers to show

"Tinkerbell, Tinkerbell," you gave me that name

"And I am Peter Pan," you said and I thought it was lame

But in that moment I felt a beat, with that my heart leap

You gave me a smile and there, I've fallen a little too deep

We always played and flew with our fairy dust

And with the Lost Boys whom we also trust

We overcame Captain Hook and his pirates

But then came 3 new faces, I became silent

I became your shadow and followed behind you

We were inseparable but then you flew

Everything was perfect, but that's just a thought

Because you left me, and sadness is what it brought.

Though you always look back and give me a smile

But you never really came back even if I run a mile

Because you found your Wendy, my Peter Pan

And I was still stuck in time, still waiting until I can

Then I open my eyes and hide that Paradise

Where my youth is sleeping while I become wise.

I choose to move forward because you did

I'm now a flower that was once a seed.

You'll always be my Peter Pan

And you're always welcome to our Neverland

Where your eyes are reflected in mine

And the hand you're holding is mine.

This is not the ending of our story

Because we will meet again, don't worry.

Even if we're living in reality that we all know well

That she is your Wendy and I'm just your Tinkerbell.

-

Now I know why you named me after her

I will be your Tinkerbell forever

Because even at the beginning of our endeavor,

I will be your Wendy, never

I'm tired of being mad.

I'm tired of being frustrated.

I'm tired of hurting you.

I hope you're tired of letting me hurt you.

I began to stan them in June 2013. To be honest, we didn't have internet back then, so my best friend who introduced me to the group gave me all the videos and songs they had that time.

At first I was not that into Korean songs but what really made me to get into the fandom was that I read fanfics of them. These are the fanfics that I first read, A Flower Boy, 10080, Anterograde Tomorrow, and Baby's Breath. With these fanfics, I started to stan them really hard. I wrote the lyrics of their songs in my notebook and tried to memorize and sing it. 🤣 I started to dance to their songs, and wrote fanfics, too!

I admit that I had some time that I felt sad about the fandom. All the issues hurt me especially when Kris left the group, I cried really hard. Then Luhan, my first bias left, too, and then Tao. I was sure numb at that time.

But I really can't forget my love for EXO that's why I am still here! 💕 And i'm proud that I am an EXO-L and that I love EXO. EXO IS EXO, NO MORE, NO LESS!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSAY TO ALL OF US, EXO AND EXO-Ls! SARANG HAJA! 💕