start // dance // end

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@effervescent-tablette poetry blog

@angel-pond comic blog

@az-anyad hungarian blog

You gather the courage to ask your friends for help. Friends hear you out and tell you "if you ever need any help, please tell me" and you're glad that they heard you out. You promise them you will ask for help if you need it. When the time comes, you don't ask for help, because everyone is struggling with so many things and you don't want to add onto it. You convince yourself that you will ask tomorrow, or in a week. You never do. There's always something more acute.

One of your friends tells you that they are tired of hearing out their other friends. And you understand, because they are a psychologist and they hear out people for a living. They have a lot on their plate.

You try to tell your parents. Not outright, you tell them about your day-to-day struggles. They tell you to get over it, everyone has to deal with that. Then they get an email from work. You don't tell your parents about your struggles anymore.

You try to handle it alone. You research suicidality. You search for the difference between active and passive suicidal ideation. First thing that comes up is an AI overview. The first real page has an anti-bot captcha puzzle. You click on crosswalks. You click on bridges. You wait until it processes. You find out you walk the line between active and passive ideation. You research more. You end up with a pdf documenting the process of hospitalisation of a suicidal patient. They can be let out after a week or two.

You are already visiting a psychiatrist every four months. You ask about a depression diagnosis. Psychiatrist says that you already take antidepressants and antipsychotics, there's no reason for a depression diagnosis.

You are smoking your 10th cigarette of the day, on the balcony, on the 9th floor. You reflect on the semester that has just ended. You passed your exams with good grades. You finished two internships. You are smoking your 11th cigarette of the day. You ponder. You look down, but make no move, but you think about it briefly. You think it's stupid. You wouldn't ever do it. Your friends would be sad. You family would have to pay crazy money, since you live in a foreign country. Your neighbours would look at your flatmates weird.