of poems and tea

Tell me when exactly it all changed

The exact moment you decided

That the love was no longer there

Because while Newton said

That the first law of thermodynamics

States that energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed

How is it possible that the energy you felt towards me, the energy you called love,

Is now simply…gone?

Tell me how you’re so good at getting women

But not at keeping them

I could only assume it was an aftermath of not receiving the love 

from the very woman who should have loved you first, 

when she let you into this world, but not into her heart

They say that the first cut is the deepest

And that’s the first heartbreak you’ve never been able to heal

Each day I survived without answers to these questions, 

It started to make sense

I am not heroic enough to love you through the complications, 

not at the expense of cutting myself with the very scalpel I wanted so badly to use on fixing your injuries

In the end Newton was right, 

Energy cannot be destroyed—

I realize this as I watch my love for you transform

From one so passionate and burning, one that always has to be near you

To loving you from afar, 

As an old friend you might think of every now and then,

Wholeheartedly accepting that I am not for you 

and you are not for me

I've always been one to romanticize my otherwise uneventful life—my me-times, quiet nights reading poetry, or going to coffee shops alone. It must've been all the romantic films I've watched through all my life that led me to believe that my life is a movie and I am the main character waiting for the right person.

However, circumstances have pointed out to me that life isn't romantic. Being broken up with isn't romantic. Healing and moving on isn't as therapeutic as it is portrayed in motion pictures. It is a constant struggle everyday to choose to move forward.

I'm starting to get used to spending time alone now. Funny how, the point of life before was to meet someone to fall in love with and have a happy ever after. I see now romanticizing everything in my life has been a flaw. Now I'm 25 and on a journey to being okay with being alone. Now the point of life is being okay during the process of rebuilding myself.

I'll get there.

A year ago me thought being stoic was just a really really more intellectual way of being emotionless. To be stoic was to never let anything ever affect you. Cold. Heartless. Strong? But these recent events have forced me to redirect every perspective I’ve cradled in life so far. 

I will never forget the first time I read Marcus Aurelius’ words, “the happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.” and how those words plucked new chords into my soul. Anything that is external from me, I cannot control. Anything that is beyond my control isn’t worth the suffering.

To be stoic, I learned, is accepting every possible outcome. The good. The bad. The ugly. The rejection. There is virtue in the strength to be at peace with whatever happens that is beyond my control.  

I got into my first med school and failed miserably. Got into depression. Got back up. Lost my dad at 21. Persisted. Persevered. Went through a break up. Fell in love again. Going through a break up again. It’s funny how life’s a full circle. These past few weeks have been one of the hardest times I’ve experienced in life but I’ve never felt more strong.

Sa gitna ng gabi, isip ay lumalalim 'Di madapuan ng antok, kinukurot ng 'yong alaala

Ginawa mo akong templo

ng ‘yong mga alaala.

Ngayong wala nang tayo,

ngayong wala ka na

Sabihin mo sa akin,

anong gagawin ko sa kanila?

They say,

the best way 

to get over someone

is to turn them 

into literature

So now I’m

Planting you as poetry

and watering you with words

To become verses

I’d read

and reread

Until I finally