Danalya :')

For most of my life, I loved flowers because there was something romantic and loving about them. But as the years passed, love began to feel more frightening than exciting. At many points in my life, I found my heart shattered and bleeding on the floor until I finally decided to burn it. If it wants to grow back, it can grow back, but as usual, I will keep building more and more walls around it because I’ve learned that my mind tends to treat love like an emotional illness. I don’t really want to become sick again. And although I’m usually someone who loves taking risks, especially for people I love and trust, this is something I take very seriously. To step into it again would be a battle that could cost me a lot. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to take that risk again, but you only live once.

Nowadays, I love flowers simply because they are incredibly beautiful. No matter how many times my heart has been broken, I never stopped loving flowers. They will always be beautiful, filling such a dark world with color. And then the world doesn’t seem quite so dark.

Sometimes, in sweet dreams, I find myself surrounded by nature, sitting on a bench in a park overlooking a lake beneath a beautiful sky. There are countless flowers there and a comforting silence. Tall trees, and sometimes even deers. It is my secret place, a place I’ve never truly visited, but one that my subconscious built for me in the name of sanity. One day, a person came to visit that place. They sat beside me, looked into my eyes, and told me they loved me. Then they handed me a rose, one of my favorite flowers. I looked into their eyes in fear and simply ran away. A storm began to pour from the sky, but I never stopped running. I was terrified. Suddenly, I had come face to face with the thing I fear most: emotion. Love. I saw it in their eyes, and it frightened me.

Today, I finally came home, only to find the house empty. Filled with darkness. Filled with silence. Filled with loneliness. You had simply taken your things and left. I saw the note you had left on the table, and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.

“When things get a little difficult, you just give up?” I asked myself as tears filled my eyes and I collapsed onto the floor.

My heart broke today. I protected it with a sword and a shield, just like I did in the dark forest. I no longer have the strength for this endless war called life. Somehow, time and time again, I find myself dragged back into that forest full of monsters. I don’t really need to be dealing with a broken heart right now. I prayed it was all just a nightmare, but I was wrong.

I called you, and for the first time, you decided to answer. I begged you not to do this to me, but you wouldn’t listen. I told you that everything could be fixed, and once again you refused. I wished you nothing but the best in the world because even though right now I feel like I hate you for what you’ve done to me, I could never wish anything bad upon you. Not ever. Because with every breath I took these past months, I loved you so deeply.

Ever since I met you, you were all that occupied my thoughts. Then one day, you simply decided to get up and leave. Even after you promised me you wouldn’t. Even after all the promises and words you gave me, you still walked away. I will never understand how, out of everyone in the world, you were the one who left. I hung up the phone, threw it onto the floor, and cried uncontrollably. I smoked more cigarettes than I could even count.

I gathered the shattered pieces of my heart and placed them into a bag before setting it on fire. I said goodbye to the happy girl I used to be.

“It was too good to be true,” I told myself as I threw the burned remains into the sea.

My thoughts kept racing the entire way home while the rain poured down in a storm. I tried to force my emotions out and bury them, but they are lodged too deeply inside me. Maybe another day.

I lay down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. I feel empty. Dead. Without motivation. Without a soul. I do not understand how this happened, or why it had to be you. But it is a question I will never receive an answer to.

I stood up from the floor, leaving the vodka bottle I had been drinking from for days lying there, maybe hoping the bottle would understand how I feel, because you don’t care. I walked to the kitchen, opened one of the drawers, and stared at one of the knives. I looked at it for a full minute, my thoughts racing like a train in Japan.

“What are you doing?”

Suddenly I heard your voice. I turned around in panic and shut the drawer.

“Nothing. Not that you care,” I said coldly, hoping you wouldn’t notice how swollen my eyes were after days of crying.

You slowly walked closer to me.

“My love, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you. I’m so sorry I left you like this.”

You tried to touch my face, and I pushed you away. You looked startled by my reaction, and your eyes suddenly looked sadder.

“Just leave me alone already. I’m tired of this. Every time you leave and come back. You don’t love me.”

Your eyes looked vulnerable.

“Even when you’re angry at me, you’re still the most beautiful thing in the world. I’m so sorry for the heartbreak I keep causing you.”

Again, you tried to move closer to me gently, and I looked at you angrily but didn’t move away. You didn’t touch me, you only looked into my eyes.

“You’re beautiful when you cry. You’re always beautiful. But when you cry, your eyelashes stand out more, and your nose gets a little red. You’re an angel. And I’ve never loved anyone or anything the way I love you.”

You said it in your usually quiet voice, but this time even softer.

You noticed I wasn’t saying anything anymore. I wasn’t pushing you away either. So you gently touched my cheek, whispering that you were sorry over and over again, and just like always, I fell for your charm.

The only question is how much longer I can survive this.

You’re like a drug I would never want to recover from.

“I miss the way you used to be with me. Lately you’re always busy, and I hate it. You don’t even answer your phone anymore,” I whispered while looking into your eyes.

“I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t. It’s hard for me to deal with the guilt. I never forgot about you. I’m sorry. I love you.”

You kept stroking my cheek and wiping away my tears.

Suddenly I moved your hand away from me.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this,” I said sharply.

“I’ll accept any decision you make. I’ll always love you,” you said softly.

“I love you. You’re my wife.”

My expression suddenly turned angrier, and my tone became sharper.

“You don’t make your wife feel like this. I honestly don’t understand what you think you’re doing. Every time you come back here and apologize over and over again, you end up doing the exact same thing. Every single time there’s something new. Every single time there’s someone else to save. But me? Nothing. I’m just nothing.”

I poured myself more vodka. there was barely anything left in the bottle. and drank quickly.

“One time it’s family, one time it’s the internet, one time it’s your friends, and one time it’s yourself. But me? Never. I never need saving, right? Because I’m just nothing. I don’t believe a single word that comes out of your mouth anymore. I’m tired of loving you.”

I said it louder this time, and your eyes looked sadder than ever.

“I’m begging you, let me hold you. Or at least rest your head against my chest and listen to my heartbeat. I miss you so much too, but I truly can’t. I really, really love you. And I’ll come back. I’m so sorry.”

A tear rolled down your cheek.

My expression softened again. Your emotions always melt me.

I hugged you gently, and you hugged me back. You held me tightly and whispered that you love me and that you are sorry over and over again while crying. I cried a little too.

I listened to your heartbeat and realized that everything you were saying was true.