just a small poet

The biggest lie i've ever told was "i'm okay" when i'm not, i'm so clearly not but i say it with ease just so people won't worry , i always think i should just give up, that it's the easiest thing to do, but that's the confusing part, i don't wanna go, i just wanna change, but even if that opportunity was given, i couldn't take it. what would i change? who am i without everything i've ever loved? maybe i just want to feel loved, knowing i am the love i ask for, but i'm so blindesided to see it, i am all i want, but i ruined it all, wishing for my sight to see to disappear, because maybe then i wouldn't ask for anything.

i never moved on. i still envision us on my front lawn hugging when you're probably asleep. i still re-watch our favorite movies seeing you watch it with me. You're supposed to be gone, blown away, buried, but i still come by our grave with fresh flowers every day. you still have my heart but just won't break it, you won't let me hate you. When you're with new girlfriends, i still watch you, wishing it were me. i still blank out when i hear your name. i drown in my thoughts but our memories seem to have a pool float. having other boyfriends after you always felt wrong, like i wasn't done making memories with you yet, like we weren't supposed to be over.

i'd never talk to you again, but i wish i could, without having blackout fear it would be the last, i miss when we planned late night talks where we wouldn't say goodnight till 4 am, i miss when you loved me everyday, but never again will you be mine. Maybe in foggy dreams you're still mine, but even foggy skies clear with a single breath, never again will you want me like you did when you were 12, never again will you love me the way you were 13, it's been 5 years, never again will we speak the way i would want to

That thought, that sends you into the past, the one that makes you remember your first tear to the last, you don't want to, but you do, you connect the dots until you realize everything in your mind is racing for first, to leave, to stop hurting you, everything speeds up to 97, 98, 99, 100 mph, and you just can't, you have to grasp on the floor like your life depends on it, your thoughts spiral and so do you, you collapse, you try and try to run from these flashbacks, which of these kill your insides, running, speeding up, 97, 98, 99, 100 mph...

"i still love you...", deleted, "hey", deleted, "how are you doing?", deleted. I stare at the blank screen as i try and formulate the perfect second first text, i don't think he'd see it, no matter my message, or maybe he would, and stare at his screen and not even start typing, maybe he'd sit in his bed and stare at the text till the brightness dims then shuts off entirely. And not respond till the sun turns on. I visualize him typing, then stop, my finger hovers the call button, but will never touch the screen, my mind lies awake of what would happen if i sent the unsent message.

There are times where I feel the tiniest bit of happiness and it feels overwhelming to acknowledge the fact I'm feeling something i forgot existed. People may be good at math, or having a messy room, but I'm in love with writing, is something that cant be explained, a rim of paper and pen wont judge you for what going on in your crazy head, but i judge myself and that's why i write, i must write to forget, to let it go and never having to remember what pain i can feel, how strong my emotions could be. Sometimes my emotions can control me, my thoughts. I don't know. If i could have just one wish, it would be that life stops for 2 minutes, and see what peace can be felt with no overthinking.

The first born always grow up first, that's the curse. They learn to make food and on a gas powered stove top before having a childhood. They mature faster and listen to other people's problems before listening to themselves first. They've been the example child ever since their first words were said, having to constantly live up to that expectation. Getting compared to everyone every day, always having to do better. They burn themselves out, wondering if they should keep going. you have to be perfect all the time, have the title but not the authority, its hard carrying on weight on already heavy shoulders, and no one is expecting you to cry, with a signal of help. she drowns in her own tears and she believes war wont end, her silent battles never to be won, she cant ask for help, she would look weak, shes the eldest, she needs to be strong. She wishes she was smarter, prettier, slimmer, nicer, maybe even dead, but shes willing to stay if it means she doesn't look weak, and she sounds so familiar, because i am her.

the thing is when you set multiple chats at a time, I smiled, at least my heart did. And when you sent a picture and I had to send one back, I caught myself curling my lashes, putting lip gloss on, and retaking the picture multiple times. Every time I get a notification, I hope it's you, I try to tell myself it's not so I don't get too excited. Never have I ever caught myself head over heels for someone I barely knew, and that's the problem. Every time we talked, snapped, called, I felt pretty, till I reminded myself we don't even know each other. And maybe if I don't ever text first again, we may not text at all. And yet, here we are, at 12:00 AM texting again, I asked if you'd ever be willing to call and you said maybe... maybe?? I mean yeah, maybe i like you, maybe I have a tiny little crush, why don't you? maybe in another life we met and we clicked faster than a puzzle piece and maybe I felt pretty for longer. But at this rate, I'm feeling more hopeless than pretty. All of this is what feels like confusion, but it's clear when put in perspective, we're friends, I like you and you most likely don't like me. You don't even seem the slightest interested and maybe it's for the best.