dampflower

I dont deserve him

someone said that they felt like an ugly girl dressing up as a pretty girl, and i don't think that will ever not be true. it's so strange. I won't notice it for a bit, and then it'll settle in my heart like a punch in the gut. it stings and it hurts but it's all I know. I find comfort in it.

you're so sweet. It makes me feel bad. I don't deserve how you treat me. all this awkward flirting makes me ache because I know nothing will come of this. you'll get bored and then uncomfortable, then you'll be gone. and I just have to live with the fact that it was my fault, and I was never meant to feel that kind of love in the first place.

I should be prepared. because the time will come where I'm shown that I'm not really as seen as I think I am. where I'm shown that I play a much smaller role than I think I do. it makes me nauseous to think about. but deep down, I've already accepted it. I know I'm a nuisance, an annoyance really. it'll just hurt when I have to come face to face with it.

I get my hopes up too often. I'm treated with the slightest touch of sweetness, and my heart swells. I begin to think I'm special, no matter how unlikely. how stupid of me. you are not worthy of this. why would you even think so. how naive. how stupid, how childish. so so stupid

love, despite my rot, is all I can give you. I have no beauty, I have no kindness, I have no warmth. but I'll give you all the love that remains in my heart. it's all I have. I don't need it anymore, please just let me give you this one thing.

my soul is ugly and filthy. she's so hideous. I'd hate to be the one to witness when she releases all her ugly emotions. So disgusting and putrid, unworthy of care and love. So rotten and decrepit. It makes my heart ache when I'm reminded of her.

are you embarrassed of me? should I really just be sitting here waiting for you to look at me? I want to be seen and loved and held and loved some more. I wish i was worth that. I wish I deserved that. but I don't. and I never will. because I'm not special and I'm not unique. I am not lovable nor beautiful. I deserve to be cast aside and ashamed of. and that is all I will ever be.

I crave to be pretty in the way that I linger for a few seconds after seeing me. just enough that you might think of me later when recalling your day. I wish to be beautiful and lovely. I want to be clean and wonderful. but I am ugly and rotten. my heart is spoiled, and all that's left to do is trash it.

how I crave to feel loved and enjoyed. I want to feel as though my presence is desired and beloved. I want my heart to feel full. but it's not about what I want. this is exactly what I deserve. I am hideous and vile. I am gross and deceitful. apathetic and unlovable, just as it was intended.