Heji.

I wonder which picture of me they're going to use when I die. All my life I've been too fat, not feminine enough, been losing to much weight - "Do you even eat?" "Look, you're gaining to much weight you should exercise". "Use lipstick"- "But I thought you were fine off make up?" All my life, I was never enough. And so I just want to know. When I'm not around anymore and people start questioning, when maybe they want to think of me... if they gather one last time together, which picture are they going to use?

Since 2010, I've terribly changed. And I'm well aware that we all evolve as life goes on but in my case I didn't grow up or matured. I changed. People ripped me off my sense of self and the chance - as small as it could've been- to ever reach closure. So I had to pick up whatever attitude I found along the road to never be put in that situation again. I developed awful cope mechanisms to ensure I would survive but in same time those are also the reason I wish I was dead. So because I think a lot about how bad my life turned out to be but mostly because I envision how good it could've been, I often feel anxious. Like, some mornings are really good and I don't need coffee to take me out of bed. And I somehow feel like I am whole. Then, there's a thought that cross my mind in a fraction of second, and I swear I can't remember how I came to think of it, but now that I do life taste like vodka. And I suddenly feel like if I ever cross the door of my appartement or even my bedroom's door I'll become a harmless bubble. Like if I just walk out at any moment I could have a crisis and go like boom! And nobody would care. Actually, even if somebody did care I would have to be civilized and sell them the biggest lie there is : " I am fine." Because no, no I'm not fine. I'm emotionally tired, I'm weak on my knees and I'm uncertain about the future. I don't know if I still wanna give it a shot tomorrow - maybe the price of living is not worth it after all. And I can't blame it on me. Because I haven't felt alive since the last time I went by the sea and felt fresh air on my face and grain of sands between my toes. I can't even tell you when was the last time that my laugh was genuine. See, the thing is our society depicts everyone with swimming skills and you're singled out if you're the only one drowning. But honestly, I don't think many of us know how to swim. Actually, I think most people are submerged with the flood of their daily life and are gone long before we could throw a life buoy at them. And since it's hard to swallow we just paint everybody with their head over the water. So if you ever happen to see me and your world is threatening to fall apart in a blink of an eye I hope you can come see me and maybe we can sit in front of a fireplace with red wine. So that at least for a second life has a sweet taste for us two.