天涯孤客

On the first day of the new year, I saw my last movie with my then-boyfriend. It was an extremely cold day, temperature at record lows. The movie was Downsizing and the entire time I was holding his hand, but he wasn’t holding mine. The movie ended and we got ramen before parting ways and returning home. He even took a photo of me that day, which was unusual––he never takes photos of me.

Three weeks later, he broke up with me. It was my birthday. It was significantly warmer that day than the days leading up to it. I had just gotten home after picking up my birthday cake with my mom and he texted me. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but he broke up with me over text. He didn’t want to wait until after my birthday because he didn’t want it to feel like he was waiting for my birthday to be over to do it. He wanted to stay friends.

Not going to lie, but I felt extreme relief. It was as if a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. This breakup was eminent, I just didn’t think it would be that exact time. A whirlwind of feelings took over. I was relieved, I was frustrated, I felt disrespected, I felt free, I felt better than I had felt in years––but mostly, I felt lost. This relationship was over two years long. I met him as a freshman. He was my guide through the first two years of college. He helped me find a place and settle in, and now I’ve lost everything.

Luckily at the same time, I was becoming an active member in a club. I found new people to rely on and grew even closer to my best friend. However, there was still a void that couldn’t be filled. Now, I didn’t necessarily miss him. I just suddenly had all this time to myself and I didn’t know how to fill it. So I decided to go back on tinder. Over the course of about three weeks, I went on dates with four people. I learned more about myself as well as who my ideal boyfriend would be. I hurt some people along the way, but what can you do about that?