so most of the time I feel like Iβm kind of pretending to be functional and concealing the dysfunction in my life. I always feel like people are clued into a way to be that I am not or that Iβm being critiqued based on things I canβt see. My response was to assume I should be less social so I donβt do something wrong, then I got a job @ the college I went to helping students and planning events and it was like everything wrong w me didnβt exist. Like I did the right things I felt good I didnβt feel drained or like I was performing. I worked at a front desk after that it was stressful and made me cry a lot because it was isolated and I only spoke to people who were upset typically. Now I work in sales. Under ideal conditions I can juggle professionalism AND the agenda of having to sell things, AND regulating how I should make my face or voice not just for the customer but for my managers because I do feel like even if everything goes well w the customer they can pick up something I didnβt and critique me anyway. It feels overwhelming and overstimulating and I have a hard time accounting for all of those competing factors in real time. However, when the conditions arenβt ideal itβs virtually impossible and I end up dropping the ball on all fronts. Like currently I was w out my medicine for 2 weeks and got back on it in the middle of moving so Iβve been having rolling anxiety attacks. Like my heart rate increases and I just cry without meaning to or knowing why. So when a customer comes in super anxious if my tone is short or if my voice gets raised itβs not on purpose Iβm not even really aware, but that doesnβt mean itβs okay. But I also canβt not show up to work. So I feel like Iβm bad at being a grown up and Iβm not meant to be around people because Iβm so bad at it.
ellievsbear
snowghoul
andulkaphoto
titsay
amandla
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
