JUSTIFY.

            ◦  ◦          𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐫 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭      ━   as jinil expects it to be on a night like tonight - loud and with way too many bodies jammed together in too small a building.  jinil sighs and toys with the glass in his hand, waiting for the arrival of his boyfriend to slip into the chair next to him.  he’s clearly saving it for him, pulled close to his own seat and with his knee hanging into it as it is.  part of him wonders what’s taking jin so long and the other part doesn’t really mind it so much.  even without him here, there’s still enough people to watch making silly decisions in a crowd like tonight’s.

he’s keeping to himself and quickly averting his eyes if someone is clearly throwing a look at him - it’s better to turn them down quickly, even without words.  jinil puts the drink up to his lips and starts tapping his foot to the muffled music heard just from the speaker overhead.

it’s just then that he spots jin miraculously in the crowd, heading in through the door.  (  it’s just the truth, though - ... he can always tell where jin is, even in a crowd.  they’re just connected that way.  )  just as he’s about to call him over, someone slips into the seat beside him and startles jinil enough to pull his attention away, blinking quickly at the bigger man beside him with an honest clearing of his throat.  

“ excuse me ..” he starts off quietly, but politely - trying to get his attention.  “ i was saving that seat for someone.  he’s coming in right now -”

            ◦  ◦          𝐣𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐥 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞      ━      more often than not still dressed in his mourning clothes, in the estate that was supposed to be shared between him and his wife.  as of yet, he hasn’t quite started his new job as the inspector general, being allowed to mourn for the proper time before starting at his post.  for the most part, jinil’s been shellshocked and tired - unable to sleep and moreover, haunted by the words that yeonhwa’s brother screamed at him the day of the tragedy.

you should have protected her!

part of him knows that it wasn’t his fault - they’d only been married for hours after all, and they hadn’t even shared their first night together yet.  but the other part can’t help but feel the overwhelming guilt that perhaps he could have done something, and so jinil punishes himself by staying in this house, alone, with no one but the servants to keep him company.  no matter how many times his friends may visit, the walls feel hollow.  after all, his wife isn’t here.

a servant comes by his rooms with an apologetic look on his face - as if he’s bothering him when jinil is simply staring blankly at the walls as he has been for the past few hours (  or days ... weeks, even.  ) he hesitantly tells him that the lady jinae has come to visit him - his sister.  it’s been too long since he’s seen her and jinil nods his head slowly, shifting from the floor and following the servant slowly.

he tries to put on a smile for her, but he wonders if she can see right through it.  “ jinae .. i haven’t seen you in far too long.” he folds his arms behind his back and tries not to limp as much on his way to her, so that she won’t be worried on top of whatever feeling she’s brought with her here.  “ what brings you to my estate .. ? would you like some snacks? i know that you really like rice cakes -”

            ━━━━━━━━   ◦  ◦     he can’t sleep.  it’s to be expected, the horrors of earlier still fresh in his mind.  jinil can still feel the warmth of the princess’ body growing colder as he held onto her, trying to shake her awake - shake the poison from her body, like it would even be possible.  he knew it wasn’t, but he still had to try something.  

even closing his eyes to it doesn’t block it out, because he can still hear the panic.  the choking. the screams.  he can still hear prince jaehwa’s curse, still hear princess ahreum’s sobbing as she held tight to his wedding robes.  the capital was never supposed to be a battlefield.  (  jinil was very much mistaken on that fact.  )

he draws in a shaky breath and opens his eyes to look around.  this was to be the house where they would spend a life together, now lonely and quiet as the death that lingers at its doors.  it’s lonely here, much lonelier than it would have been had the princess still been alive.  it still would have been lonely considering she didn’t even want to spare him a glance, but jinil thinks anything would be better than this.  

there aren’t any tears left.

he walks through his halls like a ghost rather than a man.  at least until someone comes to call, but it’s far too late for anyone to be out at this hour - especially considering the events that transpired just hours before.  he still shuffles to the entryway regardless, following a tired servant only to stare in confusion at the sight of the crown prince at his door.  perhaps this is a mirage.  perhaps this is just the result of an exhausted jinil, struggling against his own head.

“ i must have wandered into a dream .. deokhwa ..” tears that he thought dried up threaten to spill over onto pallid cheeks.  jinil looks nothing like the hopeful boy he was before the war, or even before the night began.  “ you wouldn’t come.  i wish you’d wake me up.”

when he speaks, his voice is somber. “ son in law.” the words are bittersweet, because you were only meant to be his son in law for just one day.  now that you’ve lost your wife, and he’s lost his daughter, you’re no longer tied by the bonds he himself placed upon you both.  “ of all things that i’ve wished for you and my daughter, i never thought it would come to this. but all things happen for a reason, i suppose ..”

he looks you square in the eye, and his gaze is grave.  it tells you something - like he knows everything and nothing at all, seemingly all at once.  “ it took some doing, but i still hold you in high esteem.  you’ve saved my son at great risk to yourself, and you’ve done your country a great service.  though i would have liked you to be part of my family, maybe this is just a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.  maybe you were meant to serve in the court of my son.” he gives a pause, beckoning you closer.  he sits up and hands you an envelope with your orders, stamped with the seal of the king himself.  “ as you know, we also lost our inspector general during the tragedy.  i want you to take the mantle, because you’re a good man.  with your experiences, and your virtue, you’ll lead the office well.”

he clears his throat as he lifts his brows, a frown heavy on his face.  “ please..” he trails off quietly, and you wait for him to speak one last time.  “ please help my son be a better king than i am.”

he’s not sure how to react a private audience with the king.  not after what happened, not when exhaustion and the sleeplessness still tugs at him.  jinil wonders if he can even possibly look presentable to his king if he can’t even very well keep the tears from his eyes.  perhaps the events of the wedding affected him more than they should have, especially when he’s a grand general - released from duty or not.  all that jinil can do in this moment is follow the king’s orders, and hope that he isn’t affronted by the mess of a man who sits in mourning clothes before him.

after paying him the proper respects, he sits up and keeps his eyes lowered to the floor in front of him.  it’s partially shame - there’s still the guilt left from when jaehwa blamed him for his sister’s death, and it weighs on him in front of his wife’s father.  jinil nearly winces when the king calls him son in law.  because there is no daughter here, there is no wife left of this world.  they’re both lonely men, hurting men.

there’s no words left to him after the king’s speech.

of all the things he could have expected when called before the king, it wasn’t anything like this.  to be given a ranking position, let alone to be gifted the job by the king himself is an honour that jinil isn’t quite sure he’s worthy of.  silence meets the king’s words, but not out of disloyalty.  rather - it’s shock.

the fact that the king pleads with him to help serve his son only further serves to make him spiral into speechlessness.  hadn’t jinil already proven himself unworthy of his children once? not even days ago, his daughter died before his very eyes in a wedding set to the man he’s trying to offer a job to.  it’s confusing, but it’s not as if jinil doesn’t .. want it.  he’d do anything the king asked of him.

“ your grace is eternal, your majesty.” he claps his hands to the floor as he lowers his head in gratitude, unable to speak as candidly as he’d like.  because if jinil were to speak candidly, he’d tell him all of the worries that have settled on his shoulders - the uncertainty that he’d be able to serve his son as well as the king would like to hope.  but jinil is in no position to refuse.

             ━━━━━━━━   ◦  ◦     there were so many things going through his mind at the feast that it was hard for him to enjoy it.  it was supposed to be a time of merriment, and a great honour considering that he and the rest of his team were in the presence of not only their crown prince, but the king.  it was a rare chance for a group of young men like them.  jinil takes the honour in stride, but it feels more like a weight on his shoulders.  (  it’s not like he did much to help in the long run.  it’s not like he feels he earned his place at this table.  )

it wasn’t the only thing on his mind, either.  in just a few days time, he was to be wed to the princess his heart allowed him to grow fond of - but that sentiment was never to be returned.  it’s hard for him to accept a wedding to a girl who begged him in the middle of the night to break the engagement, no matter how powerless he was to do so.  it hurts.

maybe the thoughts showed on his face.  maybe that’s why jin approached him near the end of the feast and asked him to join him in his quarters for a quiet drink alone as friends.

jinil had no reason to deny him, but he couldn’t help but be apprehensive.  more than anything, right now, he didn’t want to alarm or offend one of the best friends he’s had since his childhood.  he couldn’t afford to irritate him before the wedding.  not when he’d need him.

apprehension is in his eyes as he finally sits cross legged in front of jin, head lowering in respect as expected of him to do.  “ your highness ..” he lifts his head, a small smile on his lips.  “ for what do i deserve the honour of drinking with you this late at night?”

             ━━━━━━━━   ◦  ◦     a laugh that sounds a little hollow escapes him when jinil hears the supreme commander’s words.  he’s not really sure how to react but the words bring to him a sadness that he can’t quite express because he doesn’t understand it.  instead, his eyes search for a reasonable explanation if his head can’t come up with one and it only comes in the form of the cup in san’s hand.  “ your highness.” he says lightly, carefully coaxing the cup from san’s hand.  “ i think you meant to compliment my wife and not me.” 

somehow, the words sound wrong coming from his own lips.  somehow, he knows that the assumption is wrong too, but jinil has no real reason to believe that san would be calling him beautiful.  he doesn’t have the subtle curves of a woman, his body is too hard and moreover, too handicapped to even be considered useful.  his eyes cast down to his hands, and he rolls san’s cup between his palms.

if he asked, would the commander take him away from here? the whispers are enough to drive him mad, and even san’s confused ( and confusing ) compliment do nothing but bring him more stones to add to his already heavy shoulders.  but jinil knows that he cannot, and that nothing would come of it anyway.  in the end, he’d have to return here, in the end he’d have to feel heartbroken by a wife who doesn’t love him when he truly cares for her.

so he says nothing.  “ please take care of yourself tonight, commander.  i don’t want anyone to say anything about you, too.”

              ━━━━━━━━   ◦  ◦     things have changed since he’s been back from war.  jinil knows that he’s changed since he’s been back from war, but he still has the hope that there will be better days coming.  (  he is told that he’s the only one who can look at the world with such a view after seeing a world of bloodshed.  )  there are still things though, that make him tense: be it the twinge of pain in his leg, or the sound of the brush rustling at his side.  it brings him back to war, more so when he’s alone.  

perhaps the boar hunt was a bad idea so soon after coming home.  his hand finds the arrows at his back, eyes narrowing as the sound only ever comes closer until he manages to relax - after all, it’s just the young prince hahn.  “ oh .. your highness.  were you searching the brush?”

               ━━━━━━━━   ◦  ◦     " DEOKHWA -.”   there’s a lack of formality in the way he speaks, especially when he calls the crown prince by his given name rather than his royal one.  it’s hard sometimes, to think about - even after so many years, jinil finds himself slipping back to easier times when he’s around the crown prince.  it’s easier than the guilt, and the shame that comes along with seeing the prince’s face - the way it contorted with unhappiness, pity, everything that he never wanted to see in jin’s eyes when he looked at him.  for the crown prince, he wanted to be strong enough to help carry the burden of the country on his back.  he wanted to be a stout supporter.

life changes everything so easily.

the boar hunt is something that jinil wasn’t sure he was supposed to participate in given his .. condition, but he’s here to try regardless.  the fact that it’s jin as his team leader only further puts doubt in his mind, but jinil still smiles warmly when he sees him.  he still slips back to the times when jin was called deokhwa, and he could call him that so easily.  “ you look good in your hunting gear.” he finally says, a small smile gracing his lips.  “ did you have everything made new for the occasion?”

                ━━━━━━━━   ◦  ◦     THERE ARE A LOT of people he hasn’t seen once since coming home from war.  

he thought this would be a good chance to reconnect in spite of his injury, because jinil knows all too well that he’s been avoiding that front as much as possible.  it’s the shame in him, that he can no longer be the strength behind his country; that he can no longer serve his king.  there’s not much he’s good for (  even his future wife would much rather have someone other than him.  )  jinil allows a sigh to escape his lips, trying not to let the thoughts plague him - after all, he’s with two of his very best friends.  the crown prince and dongho are both on his team, and that’s something to be grateful for.

hyeon, though - hyeon is one of those people he hasn’t had a chance to reconnect with since going off to war.  not that they’ve done much talking in the first place; jinil has always been closer to his younger brother than the eldest son of the go family.  he doesn’t really try to approach him - for now, instead focusing on the forest floor and eyeing any potential tracks he might see amongst the brush.  it seems that hyeon is different though, because he approaches and makes jinil tense in suspicion upon hearing the snap of twigs. 

“ oh .. i thought you were an animal.” he smiles and his voice is quiet, relaxing his shoulders and allowing his arm to fall from the quiver of arrows strapped to his back.  “ good morning.”

hiiii, it’s just me, your crybaby admin wol aka, nic here with my third muse! ( i gotta get caught up on seul and yonghan too i’m sorry, but this guy came in Too StrongTM. )  anyways, you know the drill: like to plot, intro under the cut! there will be triggers present - namely injuries, war mentions, etc. just so you’re aware of that before you read ;u;