Visual Ramblings

I made a half-assed post about things that Tuukka Rask said about Dougie Hamilton in this podcast but I could make a more complete and accurate translation of the conversation if anyone is interested (and about Turbo's tennis tantrums)

Antti Mäkinen: enlighten us on one thing while you're here. A thing that I have been wondering, and Kimmo too, to some extent, throughout our Kimanttia podcasts - we've talked about Dougie Hamilton. He does a damn fine job in Carolina, he was in Calgary too, went there from your team. You played with him - what (was) wrong with the guy?

Tuukka Rask: I don't know if anything is wrong with him. When he was with us he was very young and he didn't have any real initiative in trying to get into the group or... a very quiet and shy guy, that's how I saw him.

Antti: okay

Tuukka: he couldn't really break in with the teammates in the time he was there. He left an impression that he was shy and quiet, and at that time we didn't have other young players and I think it was a pretty difficult situation for him to be in, you know, if you have mostly guys ten years older around you, it would have taken more time to get in. That's just how it goes sometimes.

Antti: yeah.

Tuukka: if your personality just doesn't fit in you just have to try something else. I think that was the case with him. I don't know, that's what I think. Like I said, a quiet and shy dude, nothing bad to say about him, I got along with him all right. But he was like that, he didn't take the initiative to make an effort to jump in into the squad, you know.

Kimmo: it is interesting with different players, Dougie Hamilton is just one example. Especially for a little shy and quiet guy, if you get to a place like he got to Carolina where the media doesn't follow your that closely, perhaps the coach doesn't give you that much negative feedback, you get minutes in the first pp unit all the time and nobody is really in your neck, sometimes a player with this type of personality can grow into full bloom in that kind of a spot. I've seen examples of this before but none as blatant, that suddenly you can talk about an all-star defender. But in a way it doesn't completely surprise me.

Congratulations! However, depending on where you’re from, there are probably a few things here that will come as a nasty shock to you. Here are a few of those things. Consider this as a guide. It is by no means exhaustive.

1.       When you’re driving past your neighbors, you wave at them. This sends a signal that says “I am one of you, I belong here, I see you”. It also sends another, arguably more important signal that says “I promise not to scrape the left side of your F150 with the left side of my F150”.

2.       Yes, everybody here drives an F150. Yes, every single one of those F150s is absolutely necessary (according to the owner).

3.       The sweet tea is going to be sweeter than you expect. No matter how sweet you expect it to be, it’s going to be sweeter.

4.       “Corn from a jar” means moonshine.

5.       “Y’all” is a contraction of “You all” that means “You guys” or “all of you”. “Ya’ll” doesn’t mean anything, as far as I’m aware.

6.       Tennesseans WILL fight you if you say anything bad about Dolly.

7.       Please stop making Deliverance jokes. We’ve heard them all. They’re not funny anymore.

8.       It’s hot. It’s so, so hot. If you’re from a dry place, you don’t even understand what I mean when I say it’s hot. Every part of you will sweat and you won’t feel any cooler because the air is so full of water that no sweat will evaporate. You’ll just be hot AND sweaty. It’s basically a jungle. The windows fog up from the outside.

9.       If you have a house with a screened-in porch, that screen is a blessing from God. Do not remove the screen to “let the air circulate through”. There is no air to circulate. There are a lot of mosquitoes, however, who are more than happy to check out your circulation. Which brings me to my next point…

10.   Look around you. Do you see mountains on every side? That’s right, if you live in Appalachia you essentially live in a bowl. How fast does the air move around in a bowl? That’s why it’s 92 degrees and 80% humidity at midnight…

11.   … and it’s also 92 degrees and 100% humidity in the middle of the day! So if you’re from a place that maybe is a little less humid and you’re thinking of going for a jog outside, don’t bother. All the sweat-wicking microfiber in the world won’t save you when there is nowhere to wick the sweat to. Just go to Planet Fitness.

12.   You can’t defeat the kudzu. It’ll come back next year. Save yourself the trouble and the Roundup exposure.

13.   You also can’t defeat the insect life. A wasp or a beetle will get into your house eventually. Your best bet is peaceful coexistence, because paper wasps (the type you’re most likely to see) are not aggressive and keep other, nastier insects at bay.

14.   There will probably be a pack of free-range dogs in your neighborhood, probably without collars. They’re friendly. Give ‘em a pat.

15.   Seriously, wave at your neighbors. It’s rude not to.

16.   A firework echoes, a gunshot doesn’t. This comes up more than you’d think. Except on the 4th of July, when you’ll hear both.

17.   Opossums eat ticks and are nearly immune to rabies, so if you see one making its dumb little way across the road, please do your best not to hit it.

18.   Deer hunting is actually vitally important to maintain the ecosystem. We killed off all the whitetail deer’s natural predators, and now there’s just too god damn many of them. Hunting permits are strictly controlled by the state’s Fish and Wildlife Department, and they give out enough necessary to maintain the deer population. If the deer population isn’t maintained, they outgrow their food supply and begin to starve. You may find it distasteful but trust me, it is way better than watching deer slowly starve to death.

19.   The cooler you just bought has a ruler on top for measuring fish. See #18.

20.   Sometimes our local politicians say terrible things. If this bothers you, you are welcome to:

a.       Vote for a candidate that opposes the terrible politician b.       Volunteer for a candidate that opposes the terrible politician c.       Write letters to the terrible politician telling him he’s terrible and should stop that d.       Run for office yourself

You are not welcome to:

e.       Talk about how everybody who lives here is an inbred racist hick

21.   Most importantly, please do not come here and think you’re going to magically change everything that’s wrong. Give the people here some credit. If there were easy solutions to the problems they face, they would have solved their problems themselves already. Life has its own pace here, and the problems in Appalachia and the South generally are deep-seated and far-reaching. You don’t have the magic solution to the opioid crisis, racism, wage stagnation, brain drain, economic inequality, generational poverty, chronic disease, environmental contamination, resource exploitation, or any other of the issues that are endemic to this area. It is at best insulting and at worst actively harmful to have a person who has zero understanding of this region and the people who live in it come in and insist that big changes need to happen and by golly gosh, he’s the one to make them. If you want to help, listen to the people here. Support them in their fight for justice.

23. Don’t mock or try to imitate our accents that shit is annoying and you are doing nothing but making yourself look foolish.

24. Please pull over when there is a funeral procession. It shows respect to the family.

25. Along with 24, if you see a “slow… death in the family” sign, actually slow down. You’ll know which house it pertains to by spotting the white wreath of flowers on the porch. The general rule around here usually is 10 mph slower than what you are going, but slower is fine. Just be careful on intercounty highways. Hog trucks don’t slow down so easy.

26. If you are standing next to someone in line or whatever and they just randomly start a conversation with you, don’t be afraid. Complete strangers down here will have 20 minute conversations about absolutely nothing. It kills time, and may even help you learn about the area you are in.

27. Ask questions if you are lost/confused! People will bend over backwards to help you, and they will do it gladly.

28. If you are coming to NC, go ahead and decide on your favorite kind of pork BBQ, and be prepared to defend that decision. Same goes for college sports teams, if you like sports.

29. Dry towns/counties are a thing. Here you can’t buy alcohol until after 12 on Sundays. The hard stuff is at the ABC store.

30. WAVE AT PEOPLE YOU HEATHENS. A head nod will do. Note that this qualifies as speaking and is referred to as such.