philtatos;

i miss my tumblr era (just logged back to check my old edits i used to slay)

i've been struggling with eating disorders for half of my life. for years, it kept getting worse - i tried everything from any kind of diets and counting each calorie, having one meal per day, making myself throw up everyday, using laxatives to dr*g abuse. i lost some weight, gained some back. the thing is, you don't get rid of your ed once you reach your ideal weight. it becomes a mindset, sometimes even a comfort zone. i don't know if fully recovering is ever possible and i do know it feels impossible to most of us. but it gets better. i remember crying everyday about my body, weighing myself 4 times a day, not allowing myself to go out, blaming on my body everything that ever went wrong in my life even when it was totally unrelated. i still hate my body some days, i still feel terrible after eating "too much", i still relapse and feel hopeless sometimes. i feel like that little voice in the back of your head making you feel guilty about eating, losing control or gaining weight never shuts down totally. still, it doesn't affect my life as much as it used to, and i feel sad for my younger self tearing herself apart. if you're struggling right now, please know it does get better and someday your first thought of the day will not be about your weight.