They say that life is not a race. Maybe- yes, that is the truth isn’t it?
But it doesn’t really feel that way for me. In fact, I don’t just see people my age as my peers; I look at them and I see them beside me, competitors on different lanes in a race track. In my perspective, life is a race, and no matter how fast I run, I can’t seem to catch up.
Life is a race and I’m losing.
I had an opportunity to get a job at a BPO company with good salary. I’ve tried getting in twice, and of course, I failed both times. At first I thought, maybe I was overqualified, and they probably thought I cheated for doing good at the assessment exams. But at my second try, I knew I fucked up. I failed the interview, and I couldn’t blame anyone else at that point, not even the company, only myself.
I am not equipped for job interviews, much less the jobs themselves. I wonder how people my age do it. I guess I’m not only disappointed at myself for failing, maybe my ego is hurt too. I know others who passed the interview who aren’t as “smart” as I am. I feel bad for even thinking that, but it’s the truth. Or is it? Maybe I overestimated myself despite hating the feeling of being overestimated by other people. I thought I was good enough to at least get the job, and yet I couldn’t. Twice.
I’m only twenty-one but I feel like my life is already passing me by like a bullet train. I think of my dreams and the possibility of them not coming true. I think of living in a big city, with all the blinking lights and the chaotic night life only the urbanized grandeur could offer. I think of Paris, with all the romance in the air accompanied by the stink of dead rats and dirty streets and angry Parisians. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to experience all that.
I’m scared of not being able to enjoy my life to the fullest, or at least get to achieve one of my dreams- considering that there are only two of them.
My fear of failure eats me up on the inside. I am afraid that it would hinder me from moving forward in my life. But also, I think that embracing the thought of failing gives me a sense of comfort and security that no matter how bad it gets, hell, I expected worse.
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