The paradox of tolerance is only a paradox if you think of tolerance as some sacred and unconditional moral duty. Some ultimate and absolute law with no exceptions, and if you ever slip into the sin of intolerance, you must repent yourself and beg for forgiveness. Yeah no fuck that. Tolerance is a social contract. You're in the game as an equal player for as long as you play by the same rules as everyone else, and if you don't, your ass is fucking out. You're not entitled to the same respect you won't give others.
"Oh so you all tolerate each other just because you tolerate each other, but if I want to destroy you, then all of a sudden you want to destroy me?" Literally yes. That's the gist of it. What's not clicking. This equation is so simple it barely counts as math.
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Things have been very busy in the last 5 years, and COVID didn't help matters. Some of it good, much of it bad, but I don't want to get maudlin about it.
Dom red flags: a checklist for less experienced submissives
This is written mostly for inexperienced subs who are seeking doms. I would also recomend less experienced doms read as well, I could have used a lot of this advice when I first got started. If you have a lot of S&M experience, you probably won't get much from this post. Feel free to add to it if you reblog. Full checklist under the cut.
Aftercare - Always mandatory. While it will look different from different people aftercare is still an essential part of a dynamic. If a dom has a problem with aftercare, either your version of it or the concept in general 🚩🚩🚩
Safe words - Always mandatory. Safe words are essential for both doms and subs. It’s valid to use them at any time for any reason. I suggest two safewords for every dynamic. A pause word and a stop word. Yellow and Red are pretty standard in many BDSM circles and they’re fantastic for explaining the concept of each. Yellow or Pause meaning take a breath, check in, and communicate. Red or Stop meaning immediately end the scene and provide aftercare. If the sub is gagged or otherwise speech impaired, a particular noise they can annunciate like “Nuh uh," snapping your fingers, or holding onto a loud object they can drop to create a distinct noise are fantastic alternatives. No one should ever be made to feel guilty for using a safeword. If a dom has a problem with safe words, punishes their sub for using it, or doesn’t immidiately stop when the safeword is used 🚩🚩🚩
Check-ins - Recommended. In any dynamic, the dom has a responsibility to make sure their sub is comfortable with the scene as it’s being carried out. Sometimes things can get intense, and if the sub is in subspace, they may not always be able to catch when something starts to overwhelm them. To avoid negative outcomes, I suggest regular check-ins. They can be as simple as “would you like another slap, baby?” or “how does that feel?" or as in-depth as a full pause of the scene. I recomend simple check ins for short scenes (under 10 minutes) and longer water breaks and full pauses during longer scenes. Check-ins are especially important for inexperienced subs and anyone exploring a new type of play. If you think check-ins sound like a good idea, then ask for them! And if your dom refuses 🚩🚩🚩
Boundaries - Always Mandatory. You and your dom both have a responsibility to communicate your boundaries with each other. You also have the responsibility not to cross each other’s boundaries intentionally. Ever. If a dom doesn’t listen to your boundaries, repeatedly crosses them, pushes you to do things you explicitly aren't okay with, or refuses to admit that you don’t like something 🚩🚩🚩
Adapting/Taking critism - Very important. No dynamic will be perfect from the start. Expectations and desires change over time, and even the deepest of connections will evolve. This means that consistant communication and feedback during the dynamic is essential. Bdsm is not about a dom molding a sub into whatever they want. It's about exploring mutually held desires. Both a dom and a sub need to be able to tweak their approaches to each other with time, listen to critisms from each other, and continously adapt as your perceptions of the dynamic change over time. If you have a 24/7 dynamic, I would recomend a regularly scheduled pause every day to talk about the dynamic, voice any critisms, and adjust accordingly. If a dom doesn't want to adjust their approach for you, or shift things in your dynamic based on what you want and like🚩🚩🚩
Punishments - the dynamics conceptualization of punishments should always be pre-negotiated. What is the purpose of punishments? Are they meant to be fun for both parties? Does the sub even want to be punished? Does the dom want to preform punishments? What activities are both parties okay with? If a dom refuses to take all this int account, or wants to give you punishments you dissgree with despite any out-of-dynamic protests🚩🚩🚩
General tips:
Trust your gut - If a situation feels wrong, back out. If someone feels off, or if something isn’t adding up, don't do it. If your gut tells you to run, run. Most BDSM carries inherent risk, if you aren't 100% sure you're willing to accept that risk, don't do it.
Don’t compromise on your boundaries. Ever. - If you feel uncomfortable doing something don’t do it. If a fantasy or scene seems like too much, refuse. There are plenty of doms out there, ignoring your feelings for one that makes you uncomfortable is never worth it.
Talk to others in the community - Please please please for the love of god talk to other subs. Talk to doms that aren’t interested in you. Talk with your dom’s other playmates. Talk with your friends who do kink. Other members of the community are an essential resource and act as a great bullshit detector if something doesn't seem right. Provide support to each other, be as open about your dynamic/potential partners as you comfortably can be. Listen to their feedback.
Sub drop/dom drop - Drops are completely normal during kink. I’ve had them, subs I’ve been with have had them, friends who participate in kink have had them. If you do kink, you’ll probably have a drop at some point, and that’s okay. Your dom should be someone who can comfort you during a drop, the same way you would comfort them if they have one. Your dom should be someone who can make you feel safe during a drop. They should be someone who is willing to comfort you and be there for you while you feel those feelings.
If you have questions about any of this please dm me or send me an ask.
When it comes down to the bottom line here, understand what respect looks like (including in consenting kink). Know what it means when someone is ACTUALLY looking out for your best interests.
Do not tolerate anything less.
Quick tip: When your sub is sad or depressed, ask them if they need more of your dominance or less of it.
Some subs will want you to be really present and consistent with your structure and leadership so that they feel taken care of and have the motivation to keep going.
Others will want to take a step back from submitting so that they can let go of pressure and focus on self care.
If they want more: Be firm but kind. Remind them of their rules and responsibilities (more than once if necessary). Remind them of their rewards and consequences. Praise them a lot when they follow through.
If they want less: Reassure them that it's okay to take a break every once in a while. Make sure they know they aren't letting you down, and that you'll be ready to take control whenever they are feeling up to it.
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yall look at this shit ad*be is tryna pull now on ppl who have outdated software:
(note for context: i’m all for piracy, but in this case my copy of CS6 was downloaded years ago when they were giving it away to students. i got it totally legally.)
so here is what NOT to do if you’re a loyal fan of adobe who has the cash to shell out for a newer and shittier version of the product you already paid for.
1) DON’T use your search bar to find and open the Run app
2) DON’T type in services.msc
3) DON’T find Adobe Genuine Software Integrity Services and right-click to get a dropdown menu, and don’t select ‘properties’
4) if you happen to click properties, DON’T use the startup type dropdown to locate the option to disable the program. be sure you DON’T click apply to finalize that change.
5) DO NOT do the same thing in order to also disable Adobe Genuine Software Monitor
if you do all of these things, this WILL disable adobe’s ability to monitor the software, and you will be forced to continue using the same older software that you already paid for instead of having to sign up for a newer, shittier version and pay more for it. so if you have lots of cash to spare and are cool with putting it the pockets of racketeering capitalists, definitely don’t do any of these things.
however, you SHOULD reblog this to spread the word, as we certainly want to make sure lots of people know what NOT to do :)
I don't know who still follows this or is around, but I'm going to set up an art blog on Tumblr because Instagram's algorithms really suck. If you want to be updated, let me know.
It's concerning that there are no dates on the posts here, however.
I have recently been chatting with multiple submissive girls who are basically being ignored by their Caregiver. They did nothing wrong. They were not told they were going to be ignored. They just have been without any contact for no particular reason.
When you ignore your submissive, whether it is intentional or not, you leave them wondering what they have done wrong. They sit there thinking that there must be something wrong with them that you can so put them from your mind, as they starve for your guidance, love, and support. There is no excuse for it. It’s the age of texting folks. It takes less than 30 seconds to type a phrase like, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. Just wanted to remind you that I care about you. I’m just terribly busy.” Takes the same 30 seconds to type, “I’m having a hard time with myself right now, and I just need some time to sort it out. I hope you understand.” Any communication of what is going on that requires your absence will mean so much to someone who depends on you so much, and who you have sworn to care for. Don’t ghost on your submissive. Let me say it again for those in the back… DON’T GHOST ON YOUR SUBMISSIVE. If you can’t spare them 30 seconds over a period of several days, you don’t deserve one.
A kinda related note i hope you don’t mind me adding on: one of the most life-changing bits of story advice i ever received was actually in a class on “Revenge and Vengeance in the Ancient World,” if you can believe it. The professor was talking about how everyone in ancient Greece knew all the Greek myths back to front and told them over and over again - and someone asked why they would keep retelling the same stories if they already knew they ended.
She explained that basically it wasn’t the ending that was the most suspenseful or exciting part, but how you got there. This is why The Iliad spoils its own ending in the opening lines. This is why we have so many different retellings of Shakespeare, of Arthurian legends, of fairy tales.
There are no truly original stories or truly unpredictable endings. So, IMO, it’s better to focus on how you as a writer/filmmaker/artist/whatever can bring something new to the body of the story rather than trying to shock and mislead your audience.
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“I adore the way fan fiction writers engage with and critique source texts, by manipulating them and breaking their rules. Some of it is straight-up homage, but a lot of [fan fiction] is really aggressive towards the source text. One tends to think of it as written by total fanboys and fangirls as a kind of worshipful act, but a lot of times you’ll read these stories and it’ll be like ‘What if Star Trek had an openly gay character on the bridge?’ And of course the point is that they don’t, and they wouldn’t, because they don’t have the balls, or they are beholden to their advertisers, or whatever. There’s a powerful critique, almost punk-like anger, being expressed there—which I find fascinating and interesting and cool.”
—
Lev Grossman (via theadventuresofcargline)
This is very true - I’ve seen innumerable fanfics of people saying, “I could do this better than they did.”
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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