Dracula but with a fat dumpy

I have absolutely no issues understanding metaphors or idioms. When someone says their heart is on their sleeve they mean they’re emotionally expressive and openly display their feelings, not that they have a chunk of cardiac tissue on their shirt. I very rarely have issues with sarcasm. I sometimes have issues telling when someone who’s said something mean is about to say “just kidding”, but tbh I think that’s more on them than me.

BUT

My grandmother asked me “Do you know when the trash was taken out last?” and I said “I think Eliot took it out yesterday” and a few hours later she yelled at me for “not taking out the trash when I asked you to” and I was like???? You didn’t ask me????

I dread filling out forms and am crap at filling out diagnostic tests or personality quizzes because there are always questions I don’t know the exact answers to (how am I supposed to know what day I got dental surgery seven years ago?) or don’t understand exactly what they’re asking or the wording’s unclear and they could mean this or the wording says this but I’m pretty sure what they actually meant was this and should I answer what they said or what they meant, and how does everyone else just whip through the form when surely they can’t know all the answers either? Does everyone else remember the day they got dental surgery seven years ago?

I get tangled up by bureaucracy because the rules on the website say that for this you need that and for that you need the other and for the other you need something else for which you need the first thing, and I go in circles for hours or days or weeks or months or years because their stated rules say there is no way to get what I need, and when I talk to somebody else they’re like “just call them?” and I’m like “how could that help? the rules say that what I’m trying to do is impossible”

I have always been more on the femme side in terms of fashion, but socially I am more masc. I've always been the dude to wear goth femme clothes, minimal makeup and then tell the homies my balls itch. No I wasn't a tomboy. I'm a genderqueer dude-thing who likes to break gender norms. At 6 yo, I called my friend's Batman action figure pretty. Not bc Idk the word handsome, but bc I genuinely believed men could be pretty.

she got this painting for $75 in an old case at an antique market shes been going to for years, and she thought it looks really beautiful, so she sent an email to a local art center to have it appraised

and now she has an art conservator in her emails making a plan to have her come bring it in to be appraised as a genuine Hokusai wood block print from over a hundred of years ago

no joke, she got it at an antique market. but she didnt even buy the painting. she bought a bag that the painting was in, cuz she's an artist.

when she got home, the bag fell over, and the painting fell out. into the lap of an unsuspecting small town idaho girl (my ma) (that's how she described it).

Hashtag just the best kinda commission someone could ask of meeeeee