Wassup bitches

A/N: It seems I really like messing around with languages when it comes to Hollanov. This fic was powered by google translate and the time before my edible hit. I've added in translations, but let me know if they are incorrect, or if the formatting is off.

Shane is lying back on his bed with Ilya propped up above him and slowly fingering him open. Lifting his head from where he was nibbling on Shane's neck, he dragged his lips up and start whispering russian words into his ear.

It's only been a few months post-cottage so while Shane is proud of the progress he is making, his comprehension of the language is not the greatest. But it's enough that Ilya will sometimes switch to russian in the middle of a conversation and see if Shane can work out the meaning.

Ilya's stomach flutters every time he remembers that he can test Shane like this - that the person he loves, loves him in return enough to try and understand Ilya's native tongue.

Shane manages shake off the fog of fuck yes fuck that's good fuck yes yes yes to parcel out the words Ilya just said

"Ty sobirayesh'sya eto vzyat'?"

You going...take

He's saying i'm gonna take something?

Before Shane can respond, Ilya continues, "Ty sobirayesh'sya prinyat' moyego khuy, kak malen'kaya shlyushka?"

You going...??...my...??...as a small...???

Am I going to what? Take? Receive? Suck? Touch? Cum?

Going to something to something of his - am I only getting his fingers? Does he want me to suck his cock? Does he want me to cum on him? Is he asking that I touch him somewhere?

As a little something? What did he call me? A whore? A fag? A cocksucker? A champ? A sweetheart? Did he just call me a canadian slur?

God, Shane wishes his online courses included more dirty word segments. He's been watching movies with russian dialogue and english subtitles - maybe he should start watching porn videos in russian too? Does russian porn come with english subtitles? Will he even be able to find any gay russian porn?

Shane gently pushes Ilya away and shakes his head. "What?"

Ilya's lips pull back into a sharky smile "Ty menya ne ponimayesh', lyubov?"

You me not understand, love?

"No," Shane whimpered "What did you say?"

"Aw, ty chto, ne ponimayesh', chto ya nazyvayu tebya shlyushka?" Ilya says before pressing a chaste kiss against Shane's mouth. Aw, you don't understand that I'm calling you a slut?

Shane doesn't bother trying to translate "Ilya"

Ilya places another chaste kiss against his collarbone before pulling back to stare at Shane with a toothy smile. One that Shane learned to take as an omen that Ilya was about to have fun at his expense.

"Ya mogu nazyvat' tebya kak ugodno, da?" I can call you I want, yes?

Shane whined "Tell me what you're saying..."

Taking his fingers gently out of Shane's ass, he started to place kisses down his chest.

"Ya chto, nazyvayu tebya moya suka?" Kiss Am I calling you my bitch?

"Ili moya vozlyublennyy?" Kiss Or my beloved?

"Moya gryaznaya malen'kaya dyrochka?" Kiss My dirty little hole?

Ilya shifted so he was between Shane's legs and his mouth hovering above his cock. He giggled softly to himself before placing kisses on Shane's balls as he spoke "Mne dazhe ne nuzhno starat'sya byt' seksual'noy. Ya mogu nazvat' tebya liftom, i ty dazhe ne poymesh'.." I don't even have to try to be sexy. I could call you an elevator and you wouldn't even understand.

"Ilya, please" Shane wasn't sure what he was begging for - for Ilya to translate what he's saying, or for Ilya to shut up altogether and use his mouth to start sucking instead.

Ilya did wrap his lips around Shane's dick and started to blow him, but pulled off after a couple of seconds. "Ya mog by nazvat' tebya divanom." I could call you a sofa.

Lips back to sucking him off for a couple of seconds, before pulling back again. "Moya malen'kiy kusochek khleba" My little piece of bread

He went back to sucking off Shane, and pulled off yet again.

"Moya zubnaya shchetka" Back to sucking Shane My toothbrush

"Moya dver'" Back to sucking Shane My door

"Moya khokkeynaya mayka" Back to sucking Shane My hockey jersey

"Moy cherdak" My attic

His lips just grazed the tip of before pulling back again with a chuckle "Nyet, ya dumayu, ty budesh' podval" Back to sucking. No, I guess you would be the basement.

Ilya settled into this new rhythm, satisfied with his new method of tormenting Shane in bed.

Shane held onto Ilya's curls and tried not to moan too loud so that he could still hear Ilya's words.

He distantly thought that if he memorize some of the words he could look them up later. But each time he tried to catch a word, his brain would be wiped clean each time Ilya made his lips extra tight around the head of his cock.

Shane eventually gave up. He would just have to suffer watching straight russian porn to tell if his boyfriend was calling him a cum dumpster or not.

"Moya romashka" My daisy

"Moya podushka" My pillow

"Moya malen'kaya biblioteka"

Shane's head shot up at the familiar sounding word.

Like playing on the same team and occasionally the same line is amazing. They are so in sync and can keep up with each other - it's great!

So a year when the league decides to make them captains of different teams at the All Stars one year, makes both Shane's and Ilya's competitiveness goes brrr. Fuck the Stanley cup - they both have never needed to win as badly as they do that weekend.

And All Stars is just for one weekend - at the end of it, they go back to being teammates. So they savour this opportunity be rivals if only for a short while.

And I don't want it to be nice! Like during their hook up era and their somewhat long distance relationship years, they were so desperate to enjoy the scant hours they could together, that it turned into explosive sex.

So I want explosive hockey - dirty hits and plays, checks into the boards that make the glass crack. I want the broadcasters hoping the mics don't pick up the sound as they scream every curse word in 3 languages they know at each other, Ilya making chirps at Shane that go low, and Shane replying with stats and exact times when Ilya made embarrassing mistakes. I want them to be yelling at goalies and breaking sticks in frustration. I want the audience to be genuinely concerned about the state of their marriage.

Hell I want them to drop gloves and tussle a bit. Like Ilya's team are up by 1 towards the end of the game, and Ilya is being his cocky asshole self, and makes some joke that makes Shane see red. He has dropped gloves and his fist is mid-swing towards Ilya's chin before he even realises he is going to punch HIS HUSBAND!!! And it's too late to stop.

Luckily Ilya is used to provoking hockey players into taking a swing, so is able to dodge enough that Shane hits his shoulder instead. But then Ilya's own instincts kick in and before he knows it he's got Shane's collar in a fist.

They whole scuffle just dissolves into pushing and screaming at each other.

Did you really just take a swing at me, Hollander?!

Well, I wouldn't have if you weren't being such a dick!

So I beat you in a game and you decide to just punch me instead?

You haven't won yet asshole! Plus that last goal shouldn't have counted! That ref is just blind to your team's obvious goalie interfer-

And the whole stadium just stops cause whoa. These are the first husbands of hockey. They spend their interviews and social media posts talking how much they love each other. Wtf is even happening?

Eventually their teammates wake up and gently pull them away from each other.

But then they confuse everyone further - bc after the game they just go back to normal without a word said about it. Ilya is ducking into Shane's team locker room when the game is done and they go back to fluffy lovey dovey nonsense.

Oh moya lyubov, you were so good out there!

Not as good as you babe. Congrats on the win

Yes yes, but that your goal in the first period? soooo sexy

Yuna, Harris, & Farah team up against them and force them to record a video explaining that yes they are ok, no they don't hate each other, their marriage / home life is perfectly fine, but the game just got away from them.

Newsflash - not everyone likes or fits in with the 'omg everyone does this' culture. If I see one more "Ilya would absolutely demand Shane remove his shoes, and Shane would take them off without asking" or "Svetlana would never call Ilya but his name, and would call him Illyusha"

Point A - It is well established that Ilya does not hold incredible love for his home country. Plus he only lived there full time for this first 18-ish years of his life. When he actually lives by himself he's a fresh young adult in a country where none of the adults around him would likely yell at him for leaving his shoes on

Point B - Shane is Canadian. Like he only really seems to think of himself as asian in regards to other ppl thinking him as such. Shane is Canadian, with half a white canadian family. He's also someone who lived alone from a young age, including in hotel rooms you might not want to walk barefoot on. I know fanon has established Shane as this OCD neat freak, but cmon guys.

Point C - Just bc you can give someone a nickname, doesn't mean they like it. My co-worker is Steven, and will correct you every time you try to call him Steve. Plus I've met Bobs that hate it when you call them Robert.