Follow your bliss.

Ever gotten stung by a bee? Bitten by a spider that had some pain juice in its bitey parts? Brushed against some stinging nettle? Had a mosquito suck your lifejuice from your body and leave a present behind?

This is your time. Yes, indeed. In this post, I shall empower you to pick a leaf off the ground…. and chew it up. And spit it back out. Onto yourself.

[Disclaimer: if you get bitten by something real bad, do not pick a leaf off the ground. Pick up a phone. Call an ambulance. Go to the doctor.]

Have you ever seen

THIS WEED?

It grows in many places. It is your friend. It wants to help you. Sometimes it is big, sometimes it is small. It is called

Broadleaf Plantain

Broadleaf Plantain is edible, click the link if you don’t believe me, do your own research, it is 100% non toxic. Although it tastes real bad. Don’t eat it, unless you want to, I guess.

Grows all over. Which is good. Now getting to the spitting-on-yourself part.

Broadleaf Plantain

has healing properties! According to Wikipedia which is not a reliable source according to all my teachers, the active chemical constituents are aucubin (an anti-microbial agent), allantoin (which stimulates cellular growth and tissue regeneration), and mucilage (which reduces pain and discomfort).

I just plagiarized. Sorry Mr. Stearns.

Okay so on the not-wikipedia front, this has helped me with

a spider bite

a bee sting

a burn

blisters

stinging nettle

mosquito bites

The bee sting was today, on the bottom of my foot, and I used it and bam was walking (with only a tad bit of discomfort) within 10 minutes. 5-10 but I don’t want false advertisement

Mosquito bites? I was hanging with some family in the mountains and the mosquitoes were EVERYWHERE and everyone was getting bitten. And I was like, I know a plant

But! I wasn’t sure if it grew around there. So I looked, made no promises, found a bunch of scrawny lil buggers growing in the gravel. “you don’t need your leaves,” I said, and stole them.

Okay so. So. spitting on yourself. Let’s get there. Do you know what a poultice is? No? Okay here’s what:

it’s mushed up plants that serves a purpose. The purpose of plantain, as I said earlier, is to stop those damn bug bites from being so itchy and/or painful.

There are two ways to make a poultice: get get leaf, put on rock, add a bit of water, and mash into tiny tiny mush, or the more convenient version:

CHEW IT UP! STICK THAT MOFO IN YOUR MOUTH AND CHEW! YOU NEED NO WATER, YOU HAVE SALIVA! YOU NEED NO ROCKS, YOU HAVE MOLARS!

Then once it’s nice and ground up get that plant out of your mouth and slap it on the bug bite. It should be pretty moist (the juices are what help so much) but not so much that it’s going to drip off you. It should kinda stick. Use another leaf, or tape or something to keep it there if need be.

Does it look kinda like this? Great! Ya done did it!

(Thank you Scott from the Grow Network for this picture of a hand, presumably yours)

With those mosquito bites I mentioned, it reduced swelling the size of a quarter in about 20 minutes! The guests loved it! You get real popular because you saved them from pain! I used the “styrofoam plate, knife, add water, try your best” method for them because saliva was a big no no and everyone wanted it real hygienic. Don’t fool yourself. Saliva itself has slight antimicrobial properties so it’s for the best, anyway.

Haven’t seen that plant? Well have you seen

Narrowleaf Plantain?

Narrowleaf Plantain has the same properties and it looks like this:

Young man, there’s no need to feel down

I said young man, chew a leaf off the ground

The next time you get bitten by one of mother nature’s beautiful creatures, I hope you feel empowered to pick a leaf off the ground and spit it back onto yourself.