cysomen #1

hi sun!!! i appreciate you saying this sm 🥹 admittedly there are a lot of things over on ao3 that i'm not as proud of anymore, but they helped me get where i am and i'm insanely appreciative of all the support everyone's left on those fics :> genuinely could not be where i am without it... and i've been able to meet so many cool people too!!!

regular updates have been kind of a struggle just bc ive been trying to finish my degree while also working,, but i've been getting stuff done behind the scenes trust me [dutch van der linde voice: i've got a plan] and i hope after this year i'll be able to be more consistent.

i've put can't commit to a thing on hold (semi-clearly 😔) until i can at least finish my conscience called in sick, just bc the latter requires a bit less focus/editing than the former (can't commit to a thing is so insanely technical,, and there are SO MANY more characters to manage) but! ch2 and 3 of the assassin/handler fic are nearly completed and things'll be easier after that. IVE JUST HAD THAT FIC ON MY MIND FOR SO LONG.. I COULDNT NOT POST IT FIRST you gotta understand waugh

i wavered between a couple of titles, the closest possibility being "i just need enough of you to dull the pain". this was mostly because the possibility of it being misinterpreted was lower compared to the actual title of "i'm in love with my own sins". i settled on the latter because i think it's truer to what i'm trying to convey; that being, cypher's relationship to sova in this fic and how it doesn't matter at all.

i've tried to show different types of dynamics in my cypher/sova fics, a handful of those being sexual but nonromantic (the bounty hunter/outlaw fic, the enclosed space fic, and some other WIPs) but this one is important in particular because there's such an absence of a platonic or even a compromise in place of a romantic relationship. cypher and sova have basically no chemistry beyond understanding each other's humor.

cypher's perspective of himself as someone who hasn't earned everything he has kind of captures the first point; him viewing pleasure as a "sin", or something to be guilty about. he doesn't think he deserves what he has, independent of sova-- that he shouldn't be able to put down his work or the physical burden he has turned his grief into.

then there's the other aspect of that, which is the fact that he's "in love" with his sin. i was worried about misinterpretation on that point because i really didn't want to create the assumption of romance (or even a solidly platonic relationship between them). cypher's not in love with sova, or even technically with what he considers his "sin", he's trying to tell himself he is. convincing himself to like what he's doing, or to fall "in love" with it is key to how he's failing to cope with his grief. if he were to think of it any other way, it'd be to accept happiness that he does not deserve, or to acknowledge that he's failing to handle it.

despite cypher's lack of a perspective on sova's character, sova himself is very important to the fic; sova views his dislike of cypher as a flaw in his professionalism, and he feels compelled to tell cypher that. to me, there isn't a whole lot of an implied relationship of any kind between them in actual valorant canon beyond general dislike from sova towards cypher, and even then i don't think sova would allow it to become something that impacts his professional relationship when working with cypher. so i tried to write it at a point where sova's distant from him, but there is that vague idea that they're skirting around a legitimate improvement of their relationship because cypher doesn't want a half-apology and sova isn't willing to give him a real one.

there's still that question of why sova accepts. he recognizes that cypher's dealing with something and he's not dealing with it in a healthy way. he's not there to question it. sova in this fic cares, being a mentor figure in the protocol, because he's used to having to act as a sort-of buffer, but it's not much more than that. he's content to let cypher work through what he's working through. it could be sova trying to understand cypher instead of disliking him on the principle of honesty, but cypher (or me, to be honest,) isn't clearheaded enough to see that. all of that may have left him a little flatter than id like, but i also think it makes sense from cypher's perspective for him to be characterized like that.

specific cultivars of mint aren't incredibly difficult to get (especially in this day and age) but i'd like to think him drinking mint tea with fresh leaves is a nod to the fact that he probably drinks the dried kind while on base; cypher could have a live mint plant he has propagated or grown himself, although the chance of him being able to keep it alive while actively doing missions is not very high. so it's significant to the concept of being "home again"; that is, he gets to drink it the way that's most familiar to him.

secondly, Moroccan mint tea is primarily served to guests, which puts the perspective of the card into question. he hasn't removed his mask, of course, and seemingly no other glasses have been poured and/or set with herbs. so he either prepared the tray himself (which would be weird for him to set it with three glasses if he's removing his mask while alone to drink) or he was given it already prepared, highlighting the fact he's only pouring one glass. it could be that he's meeting with someone, and has only poured the tea for himself out of politeness, but that's just an interpretation of it.

that does create the concept of cypher, while on base, only being able to drink a tea served in social situations while by himself.

and lastly, though this may be a stretch, the other possible meaning of three glasses. the source for this is unclear, and it being repeated in several vaguely tourist-esque articles makes me kind of doubt its authenticity, but there's a proverb that references the way Moroccan mint tea is prepared. as the green tea leaves are left in the tea, the flavor changes as time goes on, becoming more bitter. the saying goes as: "The first glass is as gentle as life, the second is as strong as love, the third is as bitter as death." i have seen sources that instead use "bitter as life" for the first glass and "soothing as death" for the last. the lack of the other two glasses being drunk from or even being set with herbs as they should be if he was serving multiple people, i thought the possible meaning was interesting enough to share.

sources under the readmore!

cypher at first chalking his lungs aching up to everything finally catching up with him. and then having to take his mask off to get white crysanthemum petals out of his mouth, and then the dawning horror of trying to guess who they're for at firstー he's never been one of to be out of touch with himself, but realizing that everything he's made himself ignore is coming back to haunt him.

completely resigning himself to his fate once he finally recognizes it's not just admiration or appreciation; that certain jokes were more about seeing if it was true dislike or if there was something else there. but it doesn't matter because sova would never, not with how he treated cypher slipping away to cough up the petals as a personal slight.

and on the opposite side of that; sova assuming, of course, that cypher disappearing into alcoves or excusing himself during group activities is just him trying to get out of things, but also being the first to notice that something is seriously wrong. so he goes searching and justifies it to himself because someone has to do it, and what he sees worries him more than he realizes. and somewhere along the way he's become familiar enough with cypher's habits that sova can tell that something is wrong.

sova catches cypher right at the tail end of whole flowers beginning to force their way out of cypher's lungs, trying to reconcile that cypher's not slacking off, but is just pining over someone. and then what that means for him and his past. the idea of it being because of himself going completely over sova's head because why would cypher have chosen him, of all people, and trying to get cypher to confess to whomever so he can continue on living. hanahaki disease in the protocol isn't uncommon, but usually it's resolved quickly; they don't exactly have the time for one of their agents to get seriously sick.

somewhere along the way sova realizes his own feelings, alongside a handful of larkspur petals. to confess is to potentially prevent cypher from ridding himself of the disease, so he forces himself to accept that he will do whatever he can to help, whatever the outcome, because he will not be a burden. ridding himself of the flowers through surgery may be his only way to continue the work he cannot abandon.

and finally, finally cypher finds a couple blue petals, improperly hidden. the faint scent of decayed flowers has begun to cling to them both; cypher realizes the source because it's exactly the same thing surrounding himself.

So, if you don't mind my asking, 👀 what's your favorite fall out boy album? I bought infinity on high on vinyl recently, as it's my favorite, so all this stuff combined has had me wanting to ask for a few days.

omg hi!!! of course i don't mind, ty for asking :D fob my beloved, i plan to keep all the titles as lyrics for as long as i can

it's probably infinity on high as well, but I'M SO TORN because folie a deux is so dear to my heart. genuinely to try and imagine how much some of their songs have impacted my fic writing is kinda scary lmao