Deus ex Machina

Jesus Christ. The hardest part of recovery is the occasional relapse into bad habits.

If I can pinpoint the start of my journey to better my mental health, it was a year ago today. The best realization I’ve had thus far was that I found a piece of my soul sitting within my best friend and from that moment on, it was like the fog lifted and everything fell into place. Platonic love is so genuine and full of life; I hope that everyone realizes that there’s more than just romantic love - that your soulmate can be your best friend.

Pulling people closer is the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing I can do to myself, but I need the support so I’m just gonna force myself do this.

My will to go forward has been so thin lately like wow.

My like aura or energy or WHATEVER these past couple of weeks has been so confusing. I’m just confused as to how I’m existing right now. I leave for vacation in a few hours so hopefully I’ll be less confused when I come back.

Made one of the hardest decisions of my life this morning and I am so utterly exhausted and indifferent and confused and honestly nothing positive is coming out of me, but I know this will give me peace at the end.

The amount of love my best friend has shown me the past few months makes my heart do somersaults.

I think, at the core of it, I don’t know who I am anymore without people around me, and maybe that’s why I need help now.

I used to really not show appreciation and affection to people, but now I am at random times, and it’s really eye opening how people react to affection. It’s like the world truly doesn’t give people enough of it and it’s so sad.

I put myself out there and it feels WEIRD. Someone tell me to go back INSIDE and HIDE.