Chain of Thought

There had been many times when I’d remind my sister of a particular memory or something she had told me several years ago, but she wouldn’t remember a thing because to her, it’s all irrelevant, forgettable information. Somehow, that’s the stuff I remember the most. I still recall my friend’s favorite painting when she muttered it under her breath in AP Art History class 5 years ago; I remember my high school psychology teacher’s obsession for bread when my sister told me a story about it; I remember the smallest things that guys have told me about themselves on the first date; I remember nearly every detail of the day that my aunt passed away from cancer, down to my exact outfit to the moment my mom received the phone call in a car ride; and I remember the most mundane conversations I’ve had with people closest to me and even with strangers. The ongoing inside jokes and unforgettable “firsts” are always special and worth reminiscing, but the peculiar little things leave just as big an impact as moments that make me laugh until I can’t breathe. I think those little “insignificant” things are what make people a bit more different from each other, but more importantly, they’re the things that only we share with one another, and that’s how someone makes a strong enough impact to live on in my memory. I just wonder if other people have felt the same way about me.

My best friend is depressed and her life is in utter shambles to the point that she had stopped replying to my messages, or anyone’s for that matter. It doesn’t help either that we’re in opposite sides of the world, but with today’s technology, lack of access to communication shouldn’t be a major barrier to a long-distance friendship. Facetime allowed us to catch up for a few nights, and in those nights I got to hear her pour her problems away and I listened because that’s what I’m good at. The thing is, listening can only do so much to a person who’s depressed. They need the deepest, most genuine form of empathy, which is something I didn’t know how to express. My immense lack of skill in human interaction is keeping me from helping one of the most important people in my life - someone I truly don’t want to lose to the worst case scenario because she felt like no one was there to help her put her life back together. I don’t know what to do or what to say because I’ve never experienced anything remotely close to her situation. I don’t know what it’s like to have a completely broken family with parents who hate each other and siblings who purposely put their lives in danger, so any sympathetic words would be meaningless at this point. People get through difficult times through empathic connection and I just don’t know how to communicate that through a computer screen. I’m delving into a career that’s all about empathizing with others, but how am I supposed to succeed if I can’t even do that with my own best friend? I have my fair share of personal issues to deal with but I can’t start working on them when someone who means so much to me is out there being helpless and I can’t help them. 

I heard the news from my dad right when I got out of class last night. The phone call lasted less than a minute because I knew that if it went on any longer, he would’ve choked in tears like I’ve never seen or heard him do. We went straight to the hospital to see my uncle, but it was already too late so we drove to his house to meet up with the whole family. The rest of the extended family arrived shortly after, and I saw my aunt in the passenger seat of her car, passed out in deep despair. Her kids, my little cousins whom I’d say I’m the closest to and even helped raise in a way, held up surprisingly well - at least way more maturely than 11-to-16-year-old kids typically would. The eldest even acted like everything was okay; he didn’t have a single tear in his eye or any sign that he’d been crying, but I think it was his way of showing that he has to be the one to pull it all together now that he’ll have to be the man in the family. The other two kids got out of the car with bloodshot eyes but quickly composed themselves when they went into their house…but their mom just completely lost it. She had to be carried out of the car while she cried and screamed inscrutable words and I stood by the driveway not knowing what to do or say to any of them. My aunt was positioned on the couch with about 5 people around her including her 2 younger kids, keeping her conscious and talking some sense into her while she cried saying that she has nothing left (after having lost both her parents just in the past year and now the love of her life), but my grandma told her to look at her kids, who are staying strong despite losing their dad at such a young age. They have to be the ones she lives for because she has to raise them all on her own now - but that’s what’s great about having a big, tight-knit family, no one’s ever on their own. I may not know what to say to my baby cousins to make them feel any better right now, but I know that I just need to be there in their presence so that they never have to go through this alone. My uncle was an incredible father who left way too soon, but he tried his best to fight through this hellish disease for as long as he could. He definitely left a strong enough impact on his kids for them to be the kind of men he’d be proud of, and my siblings and I would be more than happy to help them get to that point in any way that we can. Rest in paradise, uncle Nonong. Rest with your sister and in-laws but more importantly in God’s hands.

To me, there’s always been something about being in a place where I know absolutely no one. On my first year of college, I chose to go to a campus that would take me two hours to bus - all because I wanted to get away from the city and everyone familiar, which I find ironic because it’s incredibly difficult for me to make friends with complete strangers. I grew up not always being exposed to new people, so I would often just associate myself with those whom I’d see on a daily basis. I guess it’s more of the feeling of being alone that I really enjoy, which is one of the main reasons that I fell for a city like Irvine because it allowed me to rely on nobody else but myself and that gave me the perfect opportunity to self-reflect more than I’ve ever did. With that in mind, one of the things on my bucket list that I’m most certainly willing to accomplish is to simply wake up one morning, pack my bags, and fly to the happiest country in the world without telling anyone - not my family, not my friends, not even my future significant other if I were to have one at that time. Why? I don’t know. I just feel like it’s extremely important to be completely on your own at some point in your life - even if it’s just for a day - to reflect on who you are as a person when you have absolutely nobody else to depend on. Not only that, but to be able to experience entirely different things and meet very different people whom I may not even understand is a great way to embrace other cultures through the beauty of nonverbal communication. I just wanna be in an utterly foreign environment with positivity everywhere and be able to live in it all alone without having to feel lonely. The moment I see that I’m financially stable and independent, there’s nothing more I’d wanna do first than to travel on my own and see the other side of the world with an open mind and heart.