When youre a kid youre like wtf adults are making themselves sick with poisons and when youre an adult youre like i need more poisons ASAP

i've got the kind of eyebags that make people in movies say 'you look like hell, detective. go home.'

I like that english speakers can say anything with a "y" and it's understood as an affirmative. yep. yurp. yee. ya. yurr. yay

the shit you do to make a dying phone work when you dont wanna buy a new phone is amazing. my phone no longer charges unless i plug and unplug the charger exactly ten times & then flip the charger around then it works. I dont want to say i have to fuck the port a little bit first but i have to fuck the port a little bit first

microdosing on sharing my opinions by liking a mutual's take on the issue

nice outfit LOSER. 1443 called but in a dialect of Early Modern English that hadn't experienced the Great Vowel Shift yet so i don't know what it said

I hate that “chat” now makes people think of chatgpt. no. I’m asking my imaginary greek chorus twitch audience.

maybe i like my tech a little bit inconvenient

maybe i like pulling out my debit card instead of using apple pay. maybe i like untangling my wired headphones. maybe i like typing something into the search bar instead of using siri or whatever. maybe i like curating my own social media feeds over an algorithm. i just don’t think everything has to be perfectly streamlined and efficient i like it when things feel tethered to the real world.

judas was probably like "jesus has pulled off so many wacky things, he'll get out of this one lickity split, and i get three shiny coins out of it, too"

I open Tumblr. I post something that should be a diary entry. I close Tumblr. I open Tumblr after having it closed for 1.2 minutes. I reblog 176 posts in a row. I add tags of absolute gibberish to 7 of those. I close Tumblr. I open Tumblr I post yet another should-be diary entry. I close Tumblr. I open tu

Who up yanking my chain

Who up pulling my leg

Who up taking they piss

Stop fucking with me

You've certainly heard this tossed around as a fun fact before, maybe you've dismissed it as a joke... But it's actually 100% true. The tanned hide of an animal stretched over a car seat imbues the vehicle with the respective animus, hence cars have such distinct temperaments.... Having found this out from a friend of an uncle on facebook marketplace, for weeks I fashioned my bespoke car seats from dog leather, yes, dog leather, there are now a couple dozen laika spirits bound to this honda civic. Nowhere will you find another car as loyal to its master. So no, I did not "randomly" swerve out of the lane officer. Fuck you.

I can’t make pasta any more without mumbling to myself, “wet the drys… then dry the wets…”