Ψ

It’s 10:22 pm and here I am, wrapping my head around how my life has pivoted in the past few months.

Grabe ‘tong 2021. There was so much twists and turns but now that I look at it, it seems that things have just been shifting around only to tie lose ends and put my life and my perspective a little bit in place.

7 months ago, I got my driving license. 3 days ago, the car was registered under my name. Living in the Philippines, I’ve always been content with walking, using public transpo or getting an Uber at times. I remember back when I used to work in Makati while living in Laguna. My daily routine included waking up at 5am to catch the 6am bus in order to get to the office 2 hours later. While in the afternoon, I would stand in the middle of the highway and stop a moving bus so I could hitch a ride and get home by 9pm. It was tiring, dragging, but I never complained. Never in my life did I ever dream of driving, let alone a car that I could call mine. Now here I am, able to drive hundreds of km distance on my own.

7 months ago, I met the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. My man deserves his own blog of course, but here’s an appreciation piece for having a man who takes care of me in every way possible.

3 months ago, I got a new job. My title got promoted and I still get to do my dream job while exploring other fields.

And yesterday, I bought a house. A house! A tangible 2-storey house! Can you believe it, because I sure can’t! It’s not much, it’s a tiny house up in the north but it’s mine and that means a lot.

I still don’t have my life figured out. I still stare blankly at night wondering how my life will turn out and how I can make my parents proud and myself and the people around me happy. If only there’s a crash course on how to adult properly and how to bandersnatch well, right? But no, the future will always be uncertain and the best we can do is try to minimize risk and balance the shit that the universe drops on us on a daily basis.

Please, I’m not bragging. I honestly didn’t even want to put this in writing and I intended to continue working silently on the sidelines, but I guess I couldn’t help immortalizing this moment and express my pride and give myself credit for getting a headstart on lifetime investments at this age. I know many people had it earlier but I wasn’t brought up with a silver spoon and I had to work on these on my own pace.

It’s been a heckin’ while, ain’t it?

I honestly didn’t think I’d find myself back in this platform given my circumstances aka adulting ventures, but I guess I just didn’t know I was waiting for something⁠ someone to re-trigger my urge to immortalize moments.

*Inhale, exhale.*

So yeah, here I am. Back in this bubble, typing with a weird grin on my face-ready to share what’s messing with my mind these past couple of days.

I’ll let you catch up with my recent adventures for the last... year? (holy shit, has it been a year? I honestly just checked my blog right now and realized that my last real entry was on Jan last year. Oh. My. Gosh. So much has happened since then!) But yeah later I’ll try to bullet the important happenings in my life for what seemed to be a century.

The view, 152 levels above the ground. I stared at it and marveled as the city lights burned. You then wrapped your arms around me and I pressed my ears on your chest.

remind people you love them

As I’ve said in my recent post:

i feel like a time bomb any minute i’ll fucking explode

It’s funny how when you hear the news that a person close to you died and instantly everything around you crumbles down and you’ll be left in awe at first, going numb, until the pain slaps you hard in the face. 

Recently, I lost a person very close to my heart and this is the first time I’m going to open up about it. His name is Kuya Man and I don’t fucking know how I’m going to start describing him in past tense.

Ever since I was 13 until I was 20, Kuya Man lived with us. He was my father-figure that time since my biological dad was overseas. I was the daughter he never had, and my mom and I were his first family. He cooked me breakfast, prepared my lunch, took care of me when I’m sick, watched movies with me, and did every little mundane thing you usually do everyday. Mostly, he did all the cooking at home since I was a lazy ass and my mom would hang out with her friends late at night and would wake up late. He treated me like princes, there’s not a single doubt about that. He made the best gravy and sopas in the world. I also remember him answering tv show quizzes correctly because he really was good in general info and had intellectual interests.

Now, he’s in oblivion.

I cannot even begin to describe the pain I’m currently in right now especially when I think that we left him alone. He dedicated his last years with us, yet we still decided to leave the country and him in his worst state. I can’t imagine the pain he had to go through, living in the hospital for 6 months without anyone. He must’ve thought we don’t love him anymore, but we do, and we’re just waiting for the next 2 months so that we could see him again. Di pa nya kami nahintay. Konting konti na lang.

I remember the last time I talked to him on the phone, just a few hours after his legs were amputated. Buti nakapag-i love you pa pala ako. I sure regret not reaching out to him after that.

I think there’s no worse feeling than being trapped, lost, and just wanting to escape everything including your own life. It’s hard to admit but problems can really simply gnaw a person from the inside out, leaving the person with no choice but to let go of even the only thing left in pandora’s box — hope.

I guess I’m lucky that I personally haven’t considered ending my own life no matter how life has fucked me up. (Or maybe life just hasn’t fucked me up that bad yet? I sure hope it won’t.) In times of despair, I soak all the shit in, sob in silence for days, get up, desperately try to see the glass half-full, and then I fake it til I make it.

Nevertheless, I know not people think like me and I don’t and will never judge a person having suicidal thoughts. Our society has set standards that are too high for us to reach and most people do not realize how their words cut deeper than blades. In fact, I almost know how hard it is because I stood beside friends who had been there and my Indian co-worker has told me tons of suicide stories since India is the 10th country with the highest suicidal rate that even 13 year olds commit suicide. Just to remind you, suicidal thoughts have killed more people than wars and disasters had. It’s a real issue that must be given of high importance and is not a morbidly comical thing to joke about.

Even though I haven’t been in said shoes, I still believe that ending your life is never a solution moreso a choice to begin with. Life fucks us everyday, it’s part of its job description. It’s just in our hands on how we’re going to deal with it.

Almost everyone who took this challenge has said this but really, if you are having suicidal thoughts, please tell someone. You can even tell me! You don’t have to carry all the burden alone. If you’re looking for a sign not to commit suicide, here it is.

This may sound cliché but it’s the truth: habang may buhay, may pag-asa.

Continue holding on, love.

Rule: tell two true facts about you, and one lie. We will never know.

I auditioned for Little Miss Philippines when I was a kid

I play DOTA 2. Sino nagmmski taft/grounds jan? (hard po ako i-carry haha)

I don’t really like celebrating occasions and would prefer to just stay in bed instead

Tagged by @herclandestine - taraay may mga gantong games pa pala hihi thanks so much, Mariz Navidad! U da best ♥

I’m 7 days behind the 30 day blogging challenge wtf?! & there are only 2 things at fault specifically:

I got super duper busy. I finally applied for the most-awaited ANNUAL LEAVE (YES!) so I had to start cleaning up my mess - pending tasks, layouts, marketing plans, quotations, etcetc. My co-worker also quit her job and is going to leave all her shit to my ass until the management gets a replacement so I have been covering her duties too for a while. Konting tiis na lang, UUWI NA KO NG PILIPINAS!

My immune system got affected with all these late tumblr nights. I can’t really remember when it started but there was this time I stayed up so late and the morning after I found all these weird itchy red bumps on my collar area. I think I’m allergic to sleep deprivation(?). But yeah, that happened to the point that I was misdiagnosed with chickenpox bc of the red spots on my skin but in general, it was all just bc of not sleeping on time.

Nevertheless, weekend is coming and even with all the shit-ton of work I still have in my plate, I will make a way to catch up with u guys (and this blog).