ᵛˡʳʸⁿᶻ

.⋆♱: fwb!nicholas x reader.

.⋆♱: yes, he liked the convenience of her body during specific times, but he didn't only like just that. he loved her as a whole. but he struggled to say his true feelings to her, because she seemed detached and focused on the physicals. resulting him, saving it for another day every time.

.⋆♱: a split second smut cuz i locked in too much on the plot

.☘︎ ݁˖: day two of draft postingggguhhhh how do we like it😔🙏

inspired by the song earrings by malcolm todd

not proofread !

♬⋆.˚ "you lost your earrings in her bed."

clothes were aimlessly thrown across the room, splattering onto the carpeted floors.

sequences of moans and whines came from their throats, along with the rhythmic bump of the headboard against the wall.

onto the bed came entangled y/n and nicholas. her thigh within his grip, splitting her open as he steeped within her walls. face glued straight by her neck, nipping and biting as he released occasional deep groans. in his hair had her fingers intertwining and gripping along the messy strands, her lips forming a silent moan. her eyes having bursts of stars beneath her lashes.

as much as he wanted to latch his mouth onto hers to capture a kiss, she never allowed it.

they were only longing for a release of the tension they had in their muscles, weren't they?

pretty sure kissing won't be something necessary.

there they went again with their nameless intimacy, not having any some sort of label of what they really were outside of their acts. nor who they were to each other while in it.

what technically meant was, the physicality of it all is what truly mattered to them both. neither of them didn't have a partner to spill their desperation and desires to, and they familiarized each other enough. so it can make sense why their life choices lead them to this, seeking release onto each other.

with a final thrust of his hips, a wave of white laces washed through the velvet walls inside her.

panting, his weight dropped completely above her, soft kisses now tracing over the pulse and up to her ear, nibbling onto the shell

from the earlier pinching grip she had over his locks, now softened. serving as hint of her exhaustion and need for rest after their stringless intimacy.

feeling her growing limp, he withdrew from her, his back landing onto the soft mattress.

and with a blink of an eye, she dozed off beside him. chest now heaving softly, with a blanket covering over her.

nicholas traced her features, not with lust anymore. but with genuine adoration.

for the past five months with this unnamed label on them. after every single affair they had, there wasn't a moment that he wasn't contemplating if this is how everything should be.

and now it happened again.

with an arm under his head, he stared at the ceiling blankly.

in his mind raced a thousand of unsaid thoughts and questions. their meetings are now solely based on sex, and that alone. no greeting or conversation whatsoever. not even a "how are you" mentioned in both texts and encounters. these days, their only conversation were initiations and signals of wanting a relief. that's it.

and overtime, he started to get tired of it.

call him disgusting, but sometimes, he calls her for the usual routine in order to spend time with her, or simply seeing her. even if he didn't feel like in the mood at all. because how else is he going to meet her if it wasn't for this? if only he could ask her out for a date or hold her hand he could've done it a day ago.

before, they were frequently joking and sharing a cup of coffee on a table. but now it's nothing except rehearsed moans and touches.

he'd be lying to himself if he said that he couldn't feel her drift away. not immediately, but he's losing her somehow.

"am i just a body to her?" he ponders.

it made him embarrassed because he looked like he's the only one who seemed failing this no strings attached arrangement they had, and she's perfectly fine.

fine using him.

which hurt, because he didn't like staying as just this. in this filth.

he wanted to tell her on how much he loved her. and how he wanted to spend their moments of intimacy wrapped in love, and not need.

but he doesn't know the exact time to drop that bomb. he doesn't even know how exactly he'll word it out. he couldn't think of what to say, so he saves it for another day.

he's scared to say anything, because maybe she really is detached and doesn't give any shit whether or not he likes her. because, he assumed that the only thing that matters is how he made her see cosmos in her sheets.

"i'll tell her in another time." he affirms. again, and again.

but when is it really going to be said?

⋆. 𐙚 ˚

the rays of the morning spilled through the curtains.

nicholas cracked his eyes open, slightly using his palm to block the sun flashing into his eyes.

feeling the lack of warmth beside him, he saw y/n sitting up as she buttoned up her blouse.

glancing at him when she felt eyes on her, she gave a brief smile before standing up to smoothen her skirt; already dressed up for work.

"you're going to be late." she chirped, sliding her foot onto her flats, still keeping her casual facade like the normal.

unaffected as always.

he sat up, hair bristled and scrambled all over his head. rubbing his eyes and searched for a shirt to pull on himself, he felt that there was something missing on him.

his earrings.

touching up his ears and felt them absent, he thought that he probably lost them deep into the oceans of her bed by the intensity of last night's occasion.

he sighed, deciding he'll just look for them after she leaves. it's embarrassing to look for them right now.

he wondered his eyes on her figure as she dressed herself up with jewelry, which was weird, because she mentioned once that she didn't like accessories because it's hindering her movements, and just didn't like anything hanging off of her

"earrings? you got an event to attend or something?" he rasped, voice still rough from the sleep

"felt like it today, aren't they pretty?" she turned to face him, proudly showing off the gems that hung off by her face.

he was about to mindlessly say "yes" because of course women liked being approved, but he stopped mid way as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and also in mild shock.

because by the design and shape of those earrings were oddly, strangely, similar to his missing ones.

"isn't that min-"

"see ya at work, nico~" she hummed playfully, before grabbing her purse and leaving him alone in his room with the click of the door

now alone in his room, he gave himself a soft chuckle

and oh no, nicho's in his feelings and he can't get out of it.

⋆. 𐙚 ˚

grrrrraaaaahhhhhhh, so how do we like it chat🤸‍♀️

.⋆♱: roommate!jo x f!reader. ever since y/n moved and him moved together in their shared dorm for college, jo had been eyeing her mainly because of her tempting scent. (um okaywhat the fuck is this plot 🙏)

⊹ ࣪ ˖ tags..? (i think): hand covering the eyes while kissing type shit (lol it js sounded cool when i came w it), reader got lowk drugged AND sick😭, lowkey somnophilia🥰, shy boi jo but he got that dawg in him, called reader "noona" at sum point (ik he japanese but girl IM THIRSTY) heavy on the dubcon on this so buckle up

.⋆♱: kept this one in da drafts idk if yall would like it. (i remember crashing out while writing ts im flying)

⊹ ࣪ ˖: and also not proofread !

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

♬⋆.˚ "chasing the scent of you"

"oh you're my roommate! hi, nice too meet ya" is where everything started.

at first, jo was a shy type. with a low nod and avoidant eyes, he hesitantly took her hand that was extended. reluctantly accepting the offer of a friendship that may form. they'll be staying together in a shared room from that day on anyway.

within the first two weeks of living together, he has always been the organized and quiet guy. kept his laundry clean and neatly folded, not having more than ten clothes in the basket. the dishes cleaned right after being used, sink barely having any dirty plates in there. his trash was also non existent basically. the dorm was constantly spotless under his care, as y/n was not only busy in college but she's also working. meant that she's out of their place most of the time. and when she does come home, she'll immediately drag herself to her bed. if not having any energy to walk all the way until there, she can sleep right on the floor if she had to.

for y/n, jo was definitely a struggle to try befriending. he always had this unreadable, stoic expression on his face that came off as intimidating. and it felt like a warning that if she even tried walking up to him to offer food or anything, she's done cooked. because of his silence and her inability to fire up a conversation or small talk, their room was felt like an empty one.

as much as she could, she wanted to respect his space and his quietness because apparently people like that exist anyway. so she never tried to strike him up unless it's necessary or if there was any reason why she's talking to him. she had the impression of jo being a no-nonsense type of guy, speaking when needing to. so she kept it as that.

until she was given a reason to.

she figured that he was an art major, she once took a peek over his shoulder on what he was scribbling on his desk and saw his immaculate skill in sketching.

and now, her assignment was to recreate a portrait of a woman that was worth thirty percent of her grade. which sucked, because she haven't touched a drawing pencil since what, 6th grade? and her talent in art was the same as an ant's. a kindergartner can draw better than her if you must say.

with an awkward scratch on her nape, she risked a glance at jo with his headphones on, and eyes glued onto his laptop

"shocks, he's busy.." she thought.

looking back onto her desk, with the cleanest sheet of paper that's been untouched for the past fifteen minutes and a deadpan look on the reference photo, she took the pencil on her hand to start attempting to make something.

but the tip of the pencil just remained still on the sheet, frozen.

her brain knew what to do, but her hand didn't.

she had no idea at all, or how to even start doing it.

"you look stressed." he spoke out of the blue, not removing his eyes on the monitor in front of him. with a slight surge of embarrassment that washed on her, she let out a nervous chuckle

"yeah actually...i'm not really used to art shit like this.." well obviously. because as an english major like her was suddenly tasked with something beyond of her skills. she couldn't ask any of her friends for it because they, too, are struggling with this.

so she's either going to be hella thankful for an art major roommate, or she'll accept her fate and ball the project, if jo will remain stone-hearted.

shy that she got caught like that, she turned her gaze back onto the still clear paper and will "seriously" try to make something. if she got a 25% well fuck it she'll take her grade back through examinations and hope for the best.

the man removing his headphones and flipped the laptop close, he made his way to her and saw the absolutely, and embarrassingly clean paper that showed zero progress except a singular line.

but he didn't mind that and looked at the reference photo, letting a small hum as he studied it.

taking the pencil from her hand, he positioned himself behind her chair and leaned onto his arms. one hand sketching as the other was supporting him. bracing them by her table, trapping her in him for a bit.

his attention then focused on scribbling onto the sheet, creating simple shapes that resembled the photo on her phone. already creating the base she'll draw and add details on, so she wouldn't sweat for several hours trying to capture the anatomy and perspective.

by the sudden proximity, y/n felt the rush of blood in her cheeks, and subtly used her hand to cover her face. she could literally feel his whole presence and warmth from behind her, that she couldn't move once. thinking that if she did, she'll get herself flushed against him.

which is definitely, not something she wanted to happen.

kinda.

she observed how effortless it was for jo to replicate the pose, when it took her like what three business days to understand. she can see the mastery he had onto his craft, and found it charming.

especially his hands.

she didn't notice how much she was staring onto the details of his hands and arms, so oblivious that jo himself caught her very intrigued state in assessing him like that

with a lean of his head, he bent down as he focused onto the illustration, placing his face right beside hers, his eyes fixated at his work.

y/n was too busy locking her eyes into the paper, one more thing she'll drill down a hole on it. maintaining like a literal statue as she watched him, but not really focusing on what he was doing

her unawareness and forced ignorance by the proximity lured him in further, almost ghosting beside her neck as her warm scent intoxicated his nose.

he breathed her in, lavishing the last bit before standing up straight again, laying down the pencil beside her

"just draw over the sketch, that should do it." he spoke blandly, before returning back to his previous position where was locked in earlier.

by the absence of the warmth behind her, she caressed an arm over herself, like looking for it again but not searching for it.

with a flick of her head, she forced her focus onto the draft, using whatever skill and had left and try to make it look good, as respect to his gorgeous sketch obviously.

but in behind of her vision, she didn't know what switch she accidentally just flipped by the way jo's eyes lingered on her.

♬⋆.˚

a few days after this art incident, things were a bit strange.

or so y/n thought. maybe she's just hallucinating from the amount of workload she had to carry, and the duties she had at work.

because she cannot be the only one hallucinating about jo's behavior recently.

like for example, last night where she was in the kitchen, stirring ramen as a midnight snack but all of a sudden he appeared behind her, when she was so sure he was asleep before she got out of bed.

"what are you making? you eating?" he spoke from behind, voice rough from sleep as he reached above her, opening the cabinet door to fetch a bowl for himself, then proceeding to get a load of rice and ate leftover dinner. the way he had to inch that close to her just to get a bowl was enough to make her question things, but maybe, maybe, he was just sleepy, or couldn't sleep and didn't mind that unnecessary proximity because he's still drowsy.

or that one from the other day, where she found her missing lipstick for a week on his table, hidden under a pile of papers and sketchbooks

or that other time literal clothes were starting to disappear from the laundry basket when she was supposed to be the one washing her own clothes. jo reasoned he just wanted the basket to be empty and the clothes to be washed because it's burdening him, so he also included hers. then at some point she found some of her shirts and uniforms in his drawer.

but for her insanity, she gaslit herself maybe he's just being nice and considerate. though out of his usual character. not bothering to explain that laundry incident and just called it "life's way of surprises" and some things aren't supposed to be known, atleast the outcome is positive, right? her clothes were cleaned anyway..

however, nothing could have ever prepared her for the next thing he'll do.

♬⋆.˚

she developed a fever on one night at 1am. she was trying to procrastinate her assignment but she suddenly fell ill under the stress. her temperature rose into an intimidating number on the thermometer

exiting her room to head for the kitchen for some medicine, she spotted jo standing behind the counter, with an arm slightly angled behind him

"jo? what are you doing at this hour?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowing from the heat of her body, as well as the constant banging on her head that's about to make her lose consciousness

"i'm supposed to be the one asking you that. are you sick?" he returned the question, tilting his head to the side as he scanned over her face and condition

"yeah i feel like shit. do we got medicine?" her palm flew to her temple, massaging it as she took steps towards the counter and look for leftover medicine, her feeling getting progressively worse the more time she remains standing

jo hesitated for a bit. he looked at his hand, holding a bottle of pills

"here, just in time i bought it. i also felt under the weather." he offered, opening the lid and letting one pill fall in the middle of his palm, before fetching her a glass of water

"oh yeah? you take care of yourself too" she advices, before taking the drug from him, popping it in her mouth as she washed it with water down her throat

as she drained the medicine down in her body, she placed the cup into the sink before giving an eye on jo again, not seeming to take a pill himself despite saying he's also unwell

reading her expression, he knew what she was about to ask

"i already took one before you came" he reasoned. hearing his valid response, she gave a nod before treading back into her room

"good night, jo" she bid. with jo left behind in the kitchen, watching her figure disappear with one turn over the wall

now alone, he narrowed his eyes back onto the container that he held,

"sleeping pills."

♬⋆.˚

after roughly thirty minutes of continuing her assignment, she pushed through the heavy weights of her eyelids. it was a hobby for her to work while exhausted, but this one attacked her wayyy worse than her usual ones.

"what kind of medicine is this? it's making me so tired than i already am..."

it was growing terrible, like she was still in such a bad state after she drank. maybe she really does need rest.

so she closed her laptop, placing it aside as she folded her arms over the table, resting her head onto it.

she knew if she slept on her bed she'll definitely catch the sun risen. so if she took a short nap on a table, and in an uncomfortable position, she won't be able to last that long.

"just for an hour.."

⋆⭒˚.⋆

"so pretty..." a distorted voice chimed through her consciousness, blurring her awake. she cracked her eyelids open, but she couldn't see anything except her foggy room. and she couldn't distinguish who's voice did she heard just now

was she dreaming? she didn't know. but she sure feel like in a haze

her body felt paralyzed and limbless, and she can feel herself laying on the soft mattress of her bed

she started to feel warm and welcomed onto the soft texture of her sheets, still not able to recall that she did not fall asleep here.

not long after she regained control over her mind, she felt slim fingers slinking over her legs up until her thighs

it tickled, making her shiver and flinch under that mysterious touch.

the same voice let out an amused chuckle, feeling another hand caressing her face, moving strands of hair out of the way and tucking it behind her ear

"you look so beautiful, noona..." as he twirled his hand against her hair that was splayed out onto the pillow.

y/n, however was still fighting for her own consciousness and regain grasp over herself. because she felt severely limp and seized. her head kept tossing and turning, a physical evidence of her struggle as her face twisted in pain. pain all over her body, and all over her head.

"don't fight it..." that same sweet tone said, at the same time she felt another burning touch sliding over her skin

with all her might, she got to puzzle her vision together, managing to see bits and pieces of her sight clearing for a second or two, before blurring out again

she captured a movement of a man's silhouette, broad shouldered and towering.

he hovered above her, a palm cradling her thigh open as he settled himself between her legs, face dipping into her neck, feeling him inhale her into his lungs

"j-jo?" she breathed shakily, tears forming in her eyes from the overwhelming feeling happening all around her.

he placed a finger over her lips to hush her, saying that if she spoke once more the pain will increase.

"you smell so nice...noona....please let me take care of you.." he almost whined, before slicking a stripe of wetness all over her skin. the sudden change in feeling struck her awake, unintentionally breaking out a sound from her lips

her eyes grounded on him, though dazed.

by such alluring eyes she gave him, it made his stomach twitch, letting out another desperate sound

"s-stop looking at me like that.." before using the same hand that shushed her wrap around her eyelids as he continued his ministrations on her neck, her wincing and flinching against his hold, unable to hold back her own wails to herself with the lack of sight

with his other hand, he kept her screwed open as he pressed himself against her further

"i love you.."

⋆⭒˚.⋆

day one of draft posting do we fw this

.⋆♱: idol!nicholas x non-idol!reader. after the release of the photos from nicholas' fashion project "wenoism", reader had some "complications" when she got to look at them. (omfg i suck at summarizations), bsfs minju and yunah mentioned✌️

.☘︎ ݁˖: obvious from the title, yn got that lil freak in em (👅)

.⋆♱: yes chat i know it's obvious that im going fkin crazy over ts and yes i also took the opportunity to write another thirsty ass fic on it🙏 #needthatcookiesobad

not proofread btw !

♬⋆.˚ "tell me how good it feels to be needed."

"oh my god." the silver utensils that were hanging off of her fingers clinked down onto her plate, that was messed with her unfinished food as her jaw slid down from the instagram story that was displayed on her screen.

the sudden noise made minju and yunah look up from their own plates with startled eyes, abruptly stopped chewing to quickly look around them in embarrassment by the dramatic shit y/n pulled off. now they got some weird looks from the other people around their table

"we're in a public space y/n, can we not-" yunah hissed through her teeth with a forced smile. apologetically looking at the other people who turned their way.

meanwhile y/n couldn't be budged as the thing on her screen is way more concerning than those people giving them judgemental glares right now. because what pictured on her phone was nicholas literally shirtless, and that damn fabric was doing nothing to cover anything up. he didn't even try to hide that this was anything but modeling. it's just a literal thirst trap to look at, no exaggeration.

because you call that an endorsement for your brand?

"y/n we're getting stared at please stop" minju stammered, getting awkward by the judgy glares they were receiving. don't even mention how yunah reasoned "she took some shots" to explain the odd behavior. when she's actually crazy as hell even without sipping anything yet.

she didn't even know the purpose of those damn photos for. whether it's a fashion project or brand announcement, it gave him absolutely no reason to be making everybody stepped on earth thirst like that.

and with these two women, they were no stranger to the fact that their senior idol is her boyfriend. it didn't even make sense to them the first time she said "my boyfriend? i met this guy named nicholas wang by the park the other day" because how does one get linked up in a relationship with an idol that casually? apparently, she was completely oblivious that he was one until he said it. and the only thing she replied with is "well that explain your looks"

minju beside her snatched her phone, clicking it off and hiding the screen beneath the table. having to do it to save y/n's remaining dignity, because if there were dispatch spies hanging around them and they happened to catch a snap of her phone, having nicholas fully postered up in there, she might as well deport herself or something

"we get that your boyfriend is hot okay but you're asking to be in a dispatch article by this" minju remarked, giving her a wide eyed glare before shoving her phone back to her from beneath.

y/n flinching from the force, she held her gadget back into her hold and proceeded to use the other free hand to eat. and it was not hard to notice the slight tint of red that bloomed onto her cheeks.

though her phone was closed off, she can vividly imagine that photo of nicholas in her mind again and again.

his toned figure was something she hadn't seen yet, at all. biceps, sure. but if you added the abs and the whole torso in general, that's a different conversation. and it made her so fucking irritated that a fabric is hiding the other parts of him that she wanted to see more of. basically a tease. and she's not likin' it.

it's been a while she'd seen him too, and she'd been lonely, starved, just by being on her own. lonely, just seeing her boyfriend through fancams and video performances.

literally none could fathom how badly she wanted him right here right now

and yes, she's eating dinner right now, but she remained craving for something more.

"oh? and i thought we already ate a lot, still starving?" yunah joked, her eyes glinting with mischief as she took a bite out of her pastry. winking at the double implication she meant by her tease.

"and i also heard from harua they're all free from schedules today...." minju added, dragging a tone at the last word. her eyes narrowed down on her plate as she toyed her remains with her fork. trying to keep it cool, but she couldn't hold back the grin that flashed across her lips.

♬⋆.˚

"come home right now."

she texts. no context, no nothing. just a message that carried all the impatience and neediness she had for him.

every second that ticked by felt like hours. she paced rapidly across the halls of her apartment, even if she tried sitting down, a knee kept trembling up and down uncontrollably.

she had enough of craving him through a screen alone. she'd been starved enough from all this time.

as much as she wanted to give herself the desire of release she lusts for, she knew that she won't be satisfied by her own touch. she can't satisfy herself, no matter how much she wanted to imagine him. she wanted her body to be imprinted by his touch. she wanted him to ignite fire all over her skin, leaving trails of flames along his fingers.

but the odds of having a time like that for herself with him kept getting burrowed by his career.

she was not kidding if she said that she vowed that once he clicks that door open, there's nothing stopping her from getting what she wants.

as so the door revealed nicholas, in the middle of the action of opening his arms for her to be cradled in, she completely ignored it.

and went straight for his lips.

dragging him inside her home with a pull of her hand onto his collar, she lowered him onto her level before attaching her mouth onto his. cuffing his lips close from saying any cheap greetings that won't do anything to extinguish the ongoing spark that's burning within her.

she felt him release a small gasp of surprise, groping her shoulders in attempt of pressuring her away. but she wouldn't budge, and kept the connection of their tongues in tact.

and eventually she felt him surrender into her demanding pace, reciprocating the kiss in the way she wanted to feel.

as the clash of their tongues and teeth went on, their whole attention were solely molded onto their chained lips. they didn't took notice of the way their bodies moved on their own. tipping over on one place to another drunkenly.

as their legs led them onto the living room, y/n pushed him back onto the couch's cushion, her thighs separating to settle on both sides of his hips, straddling him before she left his mouth. attaching now onto his jaw and skin where his pulse were placed. feeling himself free to speak, he breathed,

"what's up with you?" his eyes buzzed with intoxication, looking at her hungry state while his hands found their way up to her waist, as if locking her in place

a sharp glare escaped from her eye, piercing into his before leaving the area she was nipping at, sitting up properly.

"what's wrong with me? you really thought that wenoism shit didn't tick me out?" she grumbled, breath fanning over his as her face contorts into frustration. maybe from impatience, or somewhere in between.

"i've had enough starving myself."

sliding her hand onto his wrist, she brought it up by her neck as she inched closer, clasping his palm right where she could feel herself bursting

"can you feel my blood running? i could almost feel the skies falling in waiting for you..." voice cracking onto a whisper the more she spoke. the earlier dominance slowly fading into something more eager,

"please, just break me."

♬⋆.˚

.⋆♱: idol!nicholas x idol!reader. reader is a member of le sserafim. they recently broke up, cutting things off with nicholas since she felt forgotten. because of the chaotic schedule he had, he barely had time to spare. which led her to feel neglected.

.⋆♱: exes to ?, misunderstandings kinda (but it's js the cliche ass type cuzzz yes) shoutout to maki on this, bro carried the whole fic lmao😭

.☘︎ ݁˖: no warnings btw, js nicho being desperate n hot lol

‪‪❤︎‬: inspired by &team's cover of "love song" by rain on the weverse con festival and nicholas being a fkin yearner in the end of the performance arghhh

writing this really showed what kind of a woman i am lmao😭

.☘︎ ݁˖ "please, i still love you."

"y/n you've been like this for weeks, the general rehearsal is in three days..." yunjin huffed in exhaustion, looming behind her in the reflection of the large practice mirror. the other three members splat down onto the cold floor in weariness, chest heaving up and down rapidly as the music faded into the speakers.

chaewon was on break, and won't be able to participate in the weverse con festival. which meant, y/n had to cover both her, and chaewon's parts. which was already tiring enough. with the countless formation adjustments and juggling additional lines for the sake of the missing member within them. because of all this stress, she couldn't possibly carry them all. and the performance is in a week. every second and day that flew by felt more and more depressing for y/n.

only the white noise of the air conditioning remained, they chose to keep themselves in silence rather than actually mention what's going on, rather than focusing on y/n's repeating mistakes within their rehearsals for the event.

because even if they don't mention anything, the five of them knew what actually was going on with her, and what's been draining her out aside from the continuous activities set for them in their schedules.

it was because of the man named nicholas wang. a guy she dated from the band &team..

privately, of course. and they were fortunate enough they managed to prolong their relationship for such a time without any suspensions.

the first time le sserafim received the news, it was scandalous for them to hear that she was being courted by him. because by such a thing, it can cost them their whole career. dating in this industry wasn't the same anymore. if they were in the second generation, this would've been an ant's bite to the netizens. but in this time and age, a simple glance would brink you to death himself.

ever since they met during that hybe family collaboration, something between them lit up.

but it was only evanescent.

it's been going on from the past month, y/n's constant complaint was how he's been acting like a ghost. her members were tired of it, sure. but they tried understanding her position as they didn't have experience dating yet, nor they have the guts to do so. they tried saying he's an idol too, and he even has a world tour ongoing. it'd be understandable, because she knew how it felt like to be an idol too.

leaving her messages on delivered for 16 hours, going live on weverse when she just tried to call him, and barely seeing him. all these changes messed her up, clearly.

she tried extending her patience with him. waiting, and hoping that the day she'll finally have him for herself will come.

but no. each day, all she faced were traces of his ghost. their conversation at that point were 53 compiled text messages from her, and none a single reply back. not even putting effort in seeing it too.

so she finally cut it.

adding one more in the pile of messages, she typed

"i can't continue this. if being an idol overshadows what we have, so be it."

blocked.

and until then, miseries kept happening with y/n.

which led to now, receiving all the unsaid blames her members wanted to pour on her. she knew what they were saying in their head, but chose not to speak, out of pity. but they love her, and were trained by the "a mistake of one, a mistake of all" policy their mentors carved into their minds to not feel bitter when one of them messes up.

and it brought shame to y/n, because she'd been screwing up over and over again. forgetting her lines, forgetting to sing over chaewon's parts, stumbling over to her position whenever formation changed, everything. which made them drag their routine until after hours, until it reached perfection.

but they weren't even 50% done through it. and it pressed against her chest further.

all because of a guy she's been with but never paid attention to.

with her face buried into her palms in humiliation, she sobbed while the other members looked at her with saddened and empathetic eyes.

"just take your time. don't push" kazuha reached her shoulder, giving it a soft caress to build some of her lost resolve back. along with the other members, they rose from laying down on the ground to cramp around y/n, giving her comfort and warmth. they know they can't possibly give any comment or even advice because, again, they didn't know what it felt like. but they took note of the hurt, and that's what they focused on instead.

"don't think about him right now, okay?" sakura added to kazuha's words, wrapping her arms from behind her shoulders to provide a soft embrace. they didn't want her to feel blamed and being pointed a finger at for messing up, because they knew the reason behind it was valid. she's under constant pressure from work, and the man she was supposed to seek affection from was just as static.

"y/n, you can't keep letting that man wreck you like this." chaewon's scolding voice sliced through the silence. she didn't want to be harsh on her, but it had to be done. obvious from her tone, it was forced to be firm. but she knew better than let her feelings control her for such an important event like right now. chaewon is well aware her absence would already be a hassle, and if she added into the trouble it'll lead to another wave of overly critique netizens calling them out, especially y/n.

"you're an idol. know your priorities."

the crying woman nodded in acknowledgement, absorbing the scolding she received from the leader and used the back of her hand to wipe her tears as she sniffled. her fans mattered to her as well, but she just haven't been used to not placing nicholas first. selflessly doing so even if he seemed to not reciprocate the affection she always gave out. the tears she had, it's been bottled up a lot from the past times. and releasing it felt heavier than it should.

but another worry rang in her mind.

if they'll be doing a general rehearsal of the show is in three days, they'll bump into them mid way because they're lined up on the same day.

the worry etched onto her face, and was quickly read by yunjin,

"don't worry about seeing them, if they tried reachin' you i'll jump their ass" she reassured in the most cheeky way. well it was half true though, she can practically just shoo them away with a polite smile. and pretend that one of their gyals didn't treat her friend like air for a month, definitely not.

the remark made y/n crack a smile a bit, and that made things a little better.

.☘︎ ݁˖

nicholas' blood ran cold after seeing y/n's number unavailable.

he felt guilty over the past weeks. but not because he's actively ignoring her, but because he was ordered to.

his manager, and even choreographers had been harder on them for a while now. it's like being chained onto duty, and duty only. imagine every seven to ten days, you'll wear the same costumes and perform on different platforms with the same songs and lineups.

he was already so worn out from the constant traveling with one place to another to hold their concerts and entertain the crowd in different areas of the world. and now they're scheduled for the festival mid tour. don't even mention the fact that his manager also restricted him from messaging or interacting with y/n in any way. calling her as some kind of "distraction". it's like everyone was going all out on him, just because he was the only one with the risky setting of being in a relationship.

to explain the "going live after being contacted", he was actually being told to go live to feed some starving fans who haven't heard or seen his face out of the stage. even using the company phone to go live, not his.

and now he was given the permission to finally use his phone without being watched from behind his shoulder, he was supposed to greet y/n with the most happiest expression on his face.

only to get faced by her number being unreachable.

his skin turned blue as he stared on his screen, the earlier joy in him blown out.

maki, who was behind him that's about to offer him food stopped mid way, noticing the changes in nico's face. with his phone in his hand, maki's eyes pointed down on the unreachable contact in his inbox, processing and guessed what could possibly be going on.

because to nicholas, only one person maki could bet on to make him look that pale, was none other than his girlfriend, y/n.

"bad day?" a dry humor was attempted, but only got responded by a sharp glare in return. indicating that what is happening is definitely not something to be joked on at the moment.

as an act of surrender, maki stepped back with hands raised as a white flag

"fine, you do you. girlfriend problems i get it-"

"you're friends with yunjin, right?" nicholas deadpanned, pocketing his phone and faced him properly. the question already gave the other man across from him the hint he absolutely wanted him to do something to help him out with this tight of a situation. and for maki? he isn't exactly sure if he's the correct one to ask help for in these kind of scenarios. it's either he'll help like a godmother or add more gasoline into a forest fire.

it took him a couple seconds of silence to double- triple check his ears if they processed nicholas' subtle implications

"you're involving me with your shit? hell no way- i'm not aboutta lose my job as an idol-" he argued, firmly defending his position, even dramatically pointing a finger at himself as he emphasized that he needed his assistance about his love life. technically playing as cupid trying to get a couple get back together, for free

"maki, just help me- i don't even know how else to contact her"

"you figure it out, that's your girl and you fix it with her than involve me in this-"

"come on, you can approach any member from her team, can you? just help me get to her-"

"okay and then the next day i'm on the news with a dating rumor"

the exchange went on for atleast five more minutes because a sound of a clearing throat interrupted them,

"and what's going on in here?" thank heavens for a mediator, the leader, ej, caught up on their noises at the back of the room. he was observing them for a couple minutes before eventually coming up to them and ask what the commotion is about to have maki exploding like this. behind him was fuma, who seemed to also notice this bickering between them and wanted to hear it.

"you ask him, he's setting me up for death or something-" he babbled, spitting out words that didn't even help to make the leaders understand what the actual problem is, pointing and waving his hands on him then to nicholas

"riki mauss. answer properly." fuma scolds,

with a nervous breath after being shook by the elder one, "nicholas. he's asking me for help because he got blocked by his girl.." it sounded utterly ridiculous if he says it like that, but it's the simplest way he can state the situation he's being dragged into.

ej placing two fingers by his nose bridge, sighed "you two get it together and make that thing work. and maki, try speaking a little formally towards your elders, sure?" before fleeing the scene, taking fuma with him to join the feast that's happening on the dining tables. ej expected something worse and ended up with a high school shit for him to council on. with the best shrug of his shoulders, he knew they're all grown up now and can surely make a way out of that situation. and that is the least of the other 99 more problems he had to navigate to.

"fine, i'll see what i can do. but no promises."

.☘︎ ݁˖

two days later after the incident, maki surprisingly kept his mouth shut. he didn't tease, didn't bully, really surprisingly.

respectable of him, he kept a matter private.

bare minimum, yes. but it's just out of character of him.

maybe he had to toughen up a bit for the busy days ahead, as they'll have to practice for their performances, and for a song cover as an extra flare.

love song by rain.

a very, very convenient song choice at a very convenient time.

just by the lyrics of "please, i still love you, come back" was enough to describe his whole life right now.

just literal desperation and yearning.

during the whole choreography, and every line he sang in the song, one name remained in his mind.

y/n.

it's like the song is his whole heart by how much emotion he was carrying. they of course noticed, but didn't comment for his mental stability.

and tomorrow came by quickly, general rehearsal of the soloists and groups altogether for the final preparation day to show thousands of the people anticipating for them.

.☘︎ ݁˖

"now what the fuck are we talking about right now." yunjin's straightforward quote and bluntness ruined the whole "serious" facade maki tried to do, asking for y/n and where she is. hands on her hips and with the literal disbelief she had on her face, she looked at the man in front of her. it's been exactly a week. and during the general rehearsal, yunjin wasn't exaggerating that she deflected every conversation about y/n with such smoothness. it was no joke how many times they detoured the whole backstage just to not run into any of their faces. because if they did, they had to endure another ten hours of tears and ice cream.

right now, they were standing in the middle of a hallway backstage, up in twenty-ish minutes, when she got dragged by him in here out of her will.

"tell your guy to reply to her messages and maybe it'll work faster than getting it through me"

"you don't get it, he's literally banned from looking at his messages for a month." he reasoned. frustrated, he runs a hand in his hair before facing back at her in a desperate attempt,

"listen woman, i too am forced to do this shit because he kept pestering me. and i want it done just as you do"

yunjin tilts her head down in thought of a consideration. but it's hard for her too, because how in the hell is she going to do it? he depended on her, when she's clueless on how, what, where, you name all the questions. it wasn't even questions, it's just pure question marks scattered around. there she noticed a misunderstanding going on, now she got the reason that he had his phone taken away or whatever, but she understood it. reminded her the good ol trainee days but that didn't matter right now.

"yunjin? what are you doing?"

there she goes. y/n.

her voice spreads through the empty hall, stood frozen before her sight was her, and maki.

before she called out, she can already pick up on what they could be discussing about at this urgent of a time.

but she was still sulky about what happened.

with a frown, y/n stomped towards her and grabbed her wrist, leading her away from the other member. taking shaky and unbalanced steps away, she gave one last concerned look to maki, and back on y/n as it gotten further and further away from him.

"okay so i got dragged enough from this fucking day-"

"don't speak." she clashed under her breath, her hold tightening just by seeing that image of nicholas in her mind that she forces to forget. she didn't want to get reminded of him right now, or see anyone from his group.

and left behind, was maki, running another nervous hand in his hair, leaving him with only thoughts and prayers for nicholas. as it was all upto him now.

.☘︎ ݁˖

back on the artists area, they sat down as they're up next soon. seen by the other two members waiting for them, eunchae and sakura, gave questioning gazes by the state of y/n and yunjin, who seemed like she just committed a crime.

"where were you two?" the youngest asked, but got only silence, awkward silence.

"okay then-" sakura ended the conversation with a hum, before her attention got captured by the flashing of lights, signalling the next ones to perform.

looking at y/n first, you'll know exactly who it is.

&team.

by the center? nicholas himself. dressed in such a precisely styled and designed suit with a blazer. gazing intensely at the camera focused onto him, which reflected on the big screen that made the arena erupt into screams.

even the three next to her got stunned in awe, but tapped themselves to reality after realizing the awkward situation with y/n here..

and she'd be fooling nobody by that subtle pursed lips she had, to suppress any reaction that tempted to come out.

flicking back onto the big screens that reflected the alluring performance and concept they possess, a yearning man longing for someone he lost. every sensual beat and rhythm that danced along the arena, especially their voices that played perfectly onto the desperate tone displayed of the song captured everyone's hearts.

and by nicholas' part by the end?

oh god help her.

she almost fell for the trap all over again just by seeing the emotion of desperation he portrayed.

she knew he was a brilliant performer, but;

"what the fuck is this man's problem?!" she didn't even know if that question made sense, who was she fighting? her feelings??

her members catching all the stages of grief she's currently in, found it amusing. sharing a chuckle that had the same thought; "yeah, she fell for it"

her jaw dropped by how sincere, and how serious it was for nicholas to drop into his knees as part of the choreography. while others treated it as something ordinary or just a move in a sequence, nicholas was into it. using his center part all on his advantage.

peaking onto the last strings of lyrics,

"please, oh please, i love you."

paired with another deep gaze into the lens that made the cheers burst out further.

for the fans, they shout in their heart's delight.

but for him, he knew exactly who he was staring at.

"so this is how men apologize in the 21st century now?"

.☘︎ ݁˖

愛: reader referred to as "kaori". college au type shi, time is set on new year's eve (cuz why not), nye party celebration, alcohol influence, intoxication, drunken states, and etc. basically kaori meeting a hot stranger yuhhh

性: inspired by camila cabello's song "never be the same."

ps: i usually don't write stuff like this so technically i js experimented🙏 this may be shit but atleast it's not ai🙏

♬⋆.˚‧₊: "just one hit of you, i knew i'll never be the same."

red and white lights mixed with the blasting music drowned the venue. chandeliers glistened as it reflected the stage lights on its shards, and clinking of glass cups harmonized with the crowd going on each other's necks. the party hasn't even started yet, but people already couldn't keep their hands onto themselves. stranger? didn't matter as long as they tasted good. unable to remain still as their fingers roamed onto another's curves, thoughtlessly pressing kisses in under ecstasy. will regret it, but it's a problem to deal with later. too looped in the magic of the alcohol they inject onto their throats.

it was only 15 minutes left before the sparks fly, and welcome a new era. and as kaori's celebration from all the calamities and tribulations she got herself into throughout twelve months, she guzzled alcohol as much as she can physically consume. gulping it like an addict, withering if she won't feel the bitter tang of it for the next five seconds. the liquid burned into her throat every shot she inhaled, feeling it rush into her veins, until into her very brain. the substance intoxicated her body, blurring her vision into a trance. her iris lost control, unable to focus it on anything, it just floated all over the place, mindlessly. her legs lead her somewhere she didn't know. she lost control over herself at this point, acting limbless and out of her mind.

she didn't even notice she walked straight into someone.

kei.

she looked up though her sight felt like an illusion. her eyes worked its best to map his features. but she found it difficult. her eyes already felt foggy, the lights of the place also didn't make any help as it keep flickering onto bits of his face. but he was looking down, strands of his hair framed over his eyes while the corner of his lip lifts up into a small, amused smirk. like he found her wasted condition endearing.

"aren't ya pretty?~" he purred, his hand raising up beside her head, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. she shuddered by the electricity his fingers produced, even if it felt and seemed harmless. even the slightest stroke of them that pressed on her temple felt hot.

"o-oh-" she stammered, conscious of the distance that was between them, she raised her heel to take a step back, but the action was discontinued when he locked his arm around her waist. like a silent warning.

it's not like she had the current strength to push him right now. hell, her palms were already holding his shoulders like an instinctive protest, but she couldn't fight him. nor he's budging either.

her alarmed eyes fell onto the arm that snaked her close to him, breath hitching as a gasp escaped her lips.

"yes?" he tilts his head. he questions her, feigning a clueless look on his face despite knowing what he was doing.

she mirrored his gaze, tensing up further as his eyes looked like the abyss. one look, and you're gone.

"it'd be rude to walk away from someone after meeting them, isn't it?" he started, his other free hand cupping her jaw, thumb sliding in between her parted lips. she didn't seem to mind, she was still out of herself anyway. so why not enjoy her while it lasts?

"your name?" asked, but the music in the venue turned thunderous. the party sure is about to go wild later once it hit midnight, and it was already showing by how the people were yelling and chiming altogether. kaori missing his words, only scrunched her face in response.

as then, he hovered by her earlobe to repeat his question

"i asked what your name is."

and by that, she swore her heart dropped to her guts by how low his voice went. she couldn't tell if that was on purpose to vex her or anything, but if it was, surely it worked. she felt how his breath fanned down her neck, and her body suddenly forgot to regulate itself for a second. was it the alcohol? she checked reality on herself, ended up not having an answer because she didn't know if she was only reacting like that due to the chemicals running within her.

"kaori.." she managed to let out,

he hummed in return, turning his head towards an empty table with a glass of liquor left unattended on it. not caring on whoever just drank from it, he wrapped his fingers around the small glass and brought it close to his lips, sipping the last bit of the substance. clicking his tongue onto his teeth in reaction of the sudden strong taste of it.

the woman caged into his arm was starting to wobble and tremble. her head leaned onto his collarbone, her grasp on him loosening. she was about to pass out because of how drunk she is. but he wouldn't let her go just yet, without tasting her, he meant.

"stay awake for me, pretty," he shook her awake, brushing the curtains of hair blocking her face, before bracing her onto a nearby wall, latching his mouth onto hers on an open-mouthed kiss. she returned it with no hesitation at all, going fully under the command of the drugs she consumed. greedily clashing her tongue against his. this wasn't even a kiss anymore, considering the amount of tongue and teeth that were brawling together.

she was already erratic before, but now control slipped out of her vocabulary the moment kei had himself on her. she couldn't tell who's more toxic, if it's the potion that burned her inside or if it was this man in front of her.

if it was her insanity to be talked about, kei is to blame for making her ruin herself by the way he moved. just a kiss fractured her open.

and as the peony of fire blossomed in the sky, what illuminated were the shadows of these two strangers sharing a kiss as they met a new year.

In the name of love

Will you put everything in the line just because of love?

a real-life story just happened recently...

𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓇢𓆸

Once people fall in love, they seem happy. They are even in cloud 9 swinging at the blue sky. Every day is like a paradise for two people who are in love.

But what if one side is willing to put something in the line? How are they willing to give up everything for their love? And how much pain they'll get if their love breaks apart?

There are two people who are lovey-dovey. They get along with each other, support each other, and they'll get to know each family side. The girl is somehow, happy-go-lucky and just go with the flow but the boy gives everything he had to the girl he really loves.

In a simple night, the boy just went home with the girl he will introduce to his family. It was a success for him. And soon after, they always hangout at the boy's house even if it's great day and lonely nights. The boy's family accepted her with all their hearts. The boy's girl siblings are just so friendly that they cling to their brother's girl and always give her smile.

On the boy's special day, they went to a food stall with her girl and his siblings. They are happy and laughing even in the smallest things and corniest joke. That night was just so fun and careless for them. They didn't think anything and anyone. They'll just enjoy the night eating and doing silly things.

But life goes on and life isn't a comedic show to show a fun thing each and every day. Life was reckless, shifty and, and cruel. Their happy moments didn't last long and the challenge of living together got them. They'll only living for months, and the girl fell into a deep darkness of thinking that she is 'useless'. She starts to doubt herself and think that she is just a 'floater' to the life of her boy. But the boy isn't thinking any of that. He really loves her to the point that he is giving her everything she wants and working just for her and for the life they are building 'together'. It turns out that is only at the point of view of the boy. One night, the girl didn't know what to do and left the apartment they are renting while the boy is busy working on his usual job.

Yes, the girl broke up with the boy after everything that's done for and left him just saying a simple note that says, 'you will understand me'. The boy shattered to pieces questioning what he did to make her feel that way and left him by her side. He cries all night, didn't touch his foods, take his off to work, and didn't think anything at all aside from the things he just wanted to ask his girl.

The boy just about to take the girl's hand to marriage. How can something end without even starting yet?

Sob from day and night. Puffy eyes showed, restless body dropped, stomach growling, and hair loosed. Those are the things pain brought to him. He did put and give everything, but love isn't really understandable.

"Is this what really meant?" he asked the wind. But the wind just flew by in a cold breeze with his every tear leaving his wishful eyes.

Love isn't just about sacrificing everything, laughing together, and doing lovey-dovey coupe things. Love is so deep that I don't want myself to sink in it ever again.

愛: reader referred to as "yume". after a horrible breakup, she met kei through a mutual to try healing her. he was practically perfect, and had everything she needed in a man. but she just can't get herself to reciprocate the love he gives, because of the remains of her feelings towards her previous lover.

性: hello~ thank you for finding this fic. today i wrote another k fic because he's just fit for themes like this idk yall. and this was inspired by lyn lapid's song "like you want me to". and her lyrics appears in this. anywho, see ya around~

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

"i can't call you "baby" like you want me to.

the spinning fan hummed above them, playing a static white noise. yume and kei sat across each other, with only a small table placed with a flower on a vase separated them two. the uncomfortable silence loomed upon them as it was laced with underlying heavy tension. yume kept her hands on her lap, balling the fabric of her skirt within her fist as her head remained down, with stiff shoulders and posture. while kei remained his eyes onto her. his gaze didn't intend to hate. he'd never do that, as much as he wanted to. he only wanted the truth come out from her mouth itself, instead of playing along with this one-sided relationship.

"it's just that, you need much more than i can offer you." she barely whispered, like she was still trying to hide the blades hidden along with the words, threatening to slice kei. but it did anyway. he exhaled in return, his eyes moved away from her a bit, like expressing his frustrations and disappointments onto the concrete floor instead of her.

even with the sugarcoated words she wanted to say, it's only one translation;

"i can't love you like you want."

that's it. she can avoid saying it because she's guilty to reject him now. but it's more cruel for letting him pursue her, instead of rejecting him in the beginning. she knew she was stringing him along, but it was a complicated choice for her to make. and she had conflict with her conscience, thinking someone out there actually loves her. and she just can't refuse it. because of the sudden disappearance of the love she always received from maki that day, kei was the only one who managed to give it. to give, to show comfort to her grief.

she knew, that when she got with maki, kei had loved her first. the whole time, actually. before, during and after. loved enough, to let her be happy with another. she didn't know if it was a mistake to let him love her. because everytime he did, she felt it more as an obligation, because what she receives she'll return. and she wasn't heartless. if you could put it as a bitter truth, yes, it felt forced. she gave, 'cause she had to.

kei knew this. he just wanted to hear it come from her. just the way her smiles never reached her eye, or the slight hesitation when giving him a kiss. and the way she never called him anything other than "kei", it was enough to see her delays and uncertainties.

"you're guilty to love me, right?"

"if you put it that way-" she tries defending,

"it's just a yes or no question, yume. please, answer me." his face turned crestfallen, in her attempt more she tried to make it sound lighter. trying to wrap sugar around it again for his sake, like she always do. pitying him and afraid of hurting him. the more she pities him, the more the veins in his heart tightened. it made him feel more pathetic than just the fact of he's the only one trying to make it light between them. while she's reluctant. the only thing left was to kneel in front of her and beg for the genuine love he deserved. but he didn't do that, of course. he'd rather slam him face onto the soil.

well it's the same thing as that anyway.

"...sometimes i think i love you. but i'm not so sure."

the ceiling fan spoke again. another wave of silent conflict mixed onto the air the fan produced. he didn't listen to her reply one bit. why listen if he already expected it.

as they said, you can't make people love you if they really can't. even if you gave away your own self, nothing would make them. even if he held his pulsating heart in his palm and offered it to her, no way she would gladly take it without the slight tremor from the blood trickling down. she'll take it, because she had to. he wanted her to not fear his heart combusting if she said the truth. in fact, it already was under misery.

"i know you give me all your heart, but i can't give you all of mine." yume sobbed. and all kei could react with was a nod of understanding. what else could he do besides understand anyway? it's not like had hasn't known it was halfhearted. but still, he gave it his all. kei didn't know who he is if he doesn't give his all everytime, even if a capillary in him bursted.

"i don't want you pouring all yourself to someone as horrible as me," she trails

"and i hope you'll find someone to adore you... in a way i never knew how."

"but, i can't love you like you want me to." yume concluded, fully embracing her weeping face within her palms. crying into her skin, her shoulders which were earlier tensed up, now shakes in a shaky rhythm.

his eyes watched her, fighting his own emotions off. he always felt wretched if he found her tangled. but it's because of him she wept, he felt like he did all the sins in the world.

"it's fine that you can't love me back like how i wanted to..."

"but i'll always hold on to knowing you loved me once."

*ੈ✩‧₊˚

愛: two college students were nearing their graduation. yuma, who had been admiring jo for nearly four years, he wanted to confess his love for him, he's scared because he may never be able to say it before they part ways. he struggles, because of jo's aloof demeanor. his detached and reserved self is what kept yuma to admire him from afar all this time.

性: hello~ im glad u stumbled upon this fic and i hope yall enjoy this one. and yes, by the title itself this was inspired by niki's song. and her lyrics will appear here and there within the fic. so sorry in advance if u don't like reading literal paragraphs of yapping😭 anywho, seeya around~

₊˚⊹♡

"allow me to have a space in your heart."

the calendar ticked by, inching closer and closer towards the day every studying person anticipates for.

graduation.

after four torturous years of going through powerpoints and hundreds of projects to cram on, the most awaited day will finally come.

just the moment their professor announced the date of the ceremony, a choir of sighs harmonized within the whole lecture hall, already celebrating it in their minds. even if they had a whole week left of hell and examinations coming up, the thought of that day waiting for their arrival at the finish line gave them a glimmer of hope, and the last supply of motivation to work their best. it's the last time they'll go through an exam anyway.

amidst of the festival of excitement and relief, sat yuma.

eyes, motionless and empty. his fingers rested stiffly by the buttons of his laptop, while his thoughts brushed through the chatters, away to the ringings of his heart.

indoors in his core exists repeated thumping and clamouring beats, each beat carrying the worry he had over this graduation day. it's not like he still wanted to be in college, no. he wants to, and he wanted to celebrate it. but something hesitated in him, stopping him from expressing delight as the thought of his long-lived admirations he had for jo dawned onto him. if it meant for "graduation" was to go on different paths to pursue the chosen career they prepared for during their time in the hall, also meant he may get split away from jo, for god knows how long. or worse, permanently. what if he flies overseas? what if he gets on a boat and swim away to somewhere unreachable? the uncertainty of where he may go after the great separation weighed on yuma, badly. by different chosen lifestyles, meant different environment.

what's funny was, four years. four years of being in the same building as jo everyday, yuma never got to parallel with him. there were some times of "almost" in interactions. but none of those moments got him to really carry out any conversation. no exchanges, no nothing. even a brief glance would be counted as interaction for yuma, and he got plenty of it.

for sure, during those times, yuma tried shooting a shot. multiple times. and it ended up the same, jo shutting it down within 5 words. he was a tough match to light, fire always drawn out. it was like talking to someone with a whole glacier surrounding them. icy, and stone cold. jo's stare remained stoic, grounded and guarded. but he wasn't raised to be a quitter. he tried, again and again to linger along his bubble and atleast to gain a piece of his trust.

he hasn't even heard of jo having friends. which was bizarre. by his charm it is no question people tried approaching him. but not a handful of group projects, and forced proximity with others would make him more than acquaintances to the people he meet. he seemed to always have everyone outside of his circle, not letting a single one in, to see his vulnerabilities or emotions. always detached, always withdrawn, asocial, you name it. he probably has it all anyway. he locked himself in, and he locks everyone out. that's the closest thing yuma could describe about him.

a small win he had into taming jo back then, was he accepted an onigiri during lunch. unfortunate for jo, he forgot his lunchbox at home, so he accepted the offer. but he coldly reasoned "i just didn't want to be hungry." that's why he took his little gift. but yuma wasn't stupid to not notice the slight look of contentment in his eye as he chewed. he had a thing for rice, for sure. so he gave him onigiri from his lunchbox everyday, one or two of them. until one day then, he spoke

"you can stop trying to lure me now." giving a sharp look, like as an attempt to intimidate him, but the other shrugged

"never a crime to give doses of kindness everyday" with a lighthearted tone, not taking his little threat even near his heart. he believed something below that icicle on jo lived something warmer.

going a little too deep in his worries, he was deaf to the numerous tries of his mates shaking him up from his zoning out habit

"earth to nakakita? it's lunch don't ya wanna eat?" fingers snapped before his face as harua called out to him for the seventh time, expression on his face bordering concern. on yuma's other side was fuma, mirroring the same emotion harua had on. eventually blinking his eyes in surprise, turning his head side to side to check his friends.

"o-oh- yes? it's lunch? uh- yeah let's go-" he stuttered, exhaling out an awkward sigh and laugh at the same time, hands clumsily grabbing his stuff and shoving it in his bag, trying to recover himself with the sudden disassociating he had for like what- 20 minutes?

"yeah sure let's grab some onigiri for your friend on the way" fuma casually mentions, by that suppressed smug look on his face it is no wonder he's trying to imply something else underneath that normal sounding sentence

harua's giggle echoed beside yuma's ear as he just gave fuma a warning glare and rolling his eyes as he pushed a coin in the vending machine by the cafeteria.

while the two people beside him complained about the upcoming biology exam and how many notes they had to memorize and plunge into the limited slots in their brains, yuma's mind were planning to drift again, always circling back into the same worry that's disturbing him. noticing him missing out on reality again, they stepped in to cut off his thoughts

"you know, if you're so worried about jo forgetting you after college, how about confessing to him?" harua suggested, his words shaking up yuma's spirit awake just by the mention of his name. his eyes widened a bit, "a confession?" he repeats the word uttered to him in his head, narrowing his eye by the ground, like he was contemplating whether or not it was a good idea. well, confessing to him back then is like throwing a blanket over an alligator. it's not exactly the first thing he'd do, but right now, graduation is within reach. and it's up to him how is he going to spend the remaining spare days

"come on, the sun will explode anyway. why not raise the stakes?" fuma encouraged, adding more onto harua's advice and you know, make it sound more legit. they had to push yuma out of his zone, but it's for his sake too. he can't just graduate like that with no closure at all, or a simple message. if he did just brush it off, those four years of having jo an eye away is equivalent to dust. it's a gamble, but years of regret is not something he would want to live in.

"afterall, in the end you'll only regret the chances you didn't take." mouthed harua, before placing a piece of bread in between his teeth, chomping onto it like he didn't just pull a master oogway by the way he advices yuma. it's not like it wasn't true, though. with such a time left, it'd be fit to make leaps of faith.

as the long day dragged itself slowly, yuma's fingers unable to even grapple the pen properly by how much things had been going for him. he couldn't write, he couldn't focus his eyes onto the projector screen, read the presentation, anything.

was it really possible for him to admit feelings to someone who probably doesn't even know what it means? to someone who sees love as overrated? it seemed unlikely he'd acknowledge what yuma has for him, and he knew how'd it end, but how can he answer, and know the result of a scenario that hasn't happened yet? he's not even trying. and he wouldn't know, unless he did.

the trouble devoured most of his time. the more he thinks, than do, the tighter the situation comes.

"and if not now, when?"

that's exactly what he was thinking about while standing in front of jo.

his figure towered him, casting shadows over him while his eyes hovered at the man shuffling his feet before him.

yuma fidgeted, his pulse by the neck pulsated rapidly as he was thinking deeply about the words that's about to slip from his mouth. as once he says something, he cannot swallow it again. lowering his head one more time to brace himself, he sharply inhaled a breath, releasing it out his lungs the second after. blue sweat threatened to reveal themselves, but he cannot show how much this affected him. he didn't know why, maybe he just didn't want to look pathetic in front of jo.

"i can't take long with you. say what you need to." his voice spoke, raspy and deep. like he was bored of this whole meeting itself, thinking it's a waste of time just standing in proximity with him. and everytime he speaks, saliva and breath gets spent for no good reason.

anchoring enough courage, he met his gaze. narrowed and impatient. but yuma didn't budge

"i love you." no hesitation. he thought for that long, that deep. had all that time of awkward silence and shallow breathing just to say three words that sounded more impulsive than he intended to. meanwhile from the other man, breathed a quiet gasp, maybe louder than expected. his brows slightly lifted while processing every word that his ears met.

"....what?" all he could verbalize. his entire self froze by the self explanatory expression. well, it's not so self explanatory, it had a vague intent and purpose behind it. how could he? jo wondered, genuinely. what is there about him to love? the way he acts, speaks, and exist, is boring.

"you said you wouldn't leave me."

"but you suffocate me." voices from his past flashed onto his mind, ripping his ribs apart from the vivid but distant memory from the last time he loved someone. it truly ached him. it's like he killed someone with his own hands and their blood smeared onto skin, hearing those words come from the very tongue who swore who loves him back. by such trauma that whispers on his ear everyday, caused him to push everyone who orbits him. scared by the past mistake he once had done. by letting someone love him, and know him. then in return of feeling loved, he reciprocates what he receive. but he ended up suffocating them. and now another one of life's tricks stood before him, he thought of it as another deception, and a trap to do the same mistake all over again.

"you can't. you don't love me."

"but i do-"

"everything ends. and nothing in this world i found has lasted. so don't even try telling me empty words-"

"it's been four years, why hasn't it ended yet?"

jo stood frozen on his feet, breathing hard from the previous words he had spat on the other's face. but saw himself struck by the revelation, and to the unrealistic sounds of every syllable that slides off of his lips. he'd be lying if he saw a shift in yuma's eyes that indicated a hint of a lie. a performative lie that will bring him back to his past. four years. years, is a loaded word. has everything yuma had done to him, every onigiri, every attempt of a connection, all of those led to this? a low effort confession that says that same cliche words?

"i love you. and i want you to allow me to love you. and not push me away like you do." yuma repeats, as if echoing it back would be of any help.

"how should i know if you really do love me?" skepticism wanted to imprison him. but as much as he wanted to point out deception, he couldn't. because it wasn't, and never present on any part of yuma's being.

"how will you know if you won't let me?" another argument left from him that made jo speechless. never, hasn't he ever expected that these would come from him. that same clumsy idiot who's desperate to be friends with him, is the same one making him look stupid right now. just redirecting every offense back to him, and asking him the real questions he tried evading after that incident he once buried in the grave.

"because....i'm scared."

"you're scared of me, loving you?" he trailed off, an expression of disbelief showed on his felt, angry but not towards him. but about his thoughts about being loved.

"i'm scared, because i might never be able to at all!" yuma cried. water from his eyes kissed his cheek, unable to keep it at bay from some sick words jo had the audacity to say. inching himself a step closer to him, he sniffles, enclosing his palms over his,

"take a chance with me, jo."

"as four years isn't enough to measure how much my heart yearns for you."

A strong girl? "海に飛び込むまで、その深さがどれほどなのか決してわからない." this is just a simple blog or rather a 'rant' I want to let out from my heart.  ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖

"You'll never discover how deep the ocean is until you dive into it."

This quote had a big impact in my life ever since I entered the part of life called 'adulting'.

Since I grew up as an independent girl always end up doing everything for my own happiness and well-being, I am confident back then that when I am at my adulting stage, I will just go to it with a smooth flow. But things turned out differently and the stress and exhaustion start to consume me, even at this very minute.

I have been working ever since I graduated college. Job just at my way. Lucky? so be it. I am much thankful for it and have no regrets but at that time, I wish I had spent more time resting after 18 years of studying.  I moved from one job to another because of different circumstances but now, I can say that I am at the greatest and my dream job. I am happy, super happy. But then of course, I got stressed and tired at the end of the day. I am just a normal person, anyway. 

For the past days working and improving myself, I was happy. Then, things became out of hand. My siblings got in a relationship and soon to be married. I am the next heir to be the "breadwinner". My world just suddenly stopped. I never get enough sleep at night and always feel tired when I woke up.

"How will I manage to stay sane with it?"

"Will I fill that role perfectly?"

Those are the questions that always popped out on my head before I sleep at night. And so, I will think of it for the whole nighttime until the clocks restart again. 

"Am I really successful now?"

Another question that keeps me awake wondering if I really did a great job. I don't know, I really don't. My friends always say, "Yes" but I don't think so myself. I always put a brave face helping other people genuinely because I know the feeling of being helpless. I want them to enjoy the things they really love to do because when they are at this point of their lives, they will not do those as frequent as they did when they are younger. I always make other people feel like they wanted because I know the feeling of being unwanted. 

But despite it all, I will get on my knees and stand up again. I know I will get through this sooner or later. I just don't want to make myself pathetic and hopeless. I always say to myself that I need to be brave not because I want to but because I need to. I know I can. I just need to believe in me.

Because at the end of the day, I always have me that is proud of what I have I accomplished. 

愛: reader, referred to as "ruka" had been facing challenges in her life. to cool off, she went to a nearby beach to clear her mind. in between of it all, she met a man, who's lowkey a fish.

性: hi~ today i thought of another idea of juju (as lowkey fish/ponyo lmao) being a stranger reader met near the sea. since fishes have low memory, he wanted to let her talk about her problems, knowing he'll forget about it anyway, atleast she got it out. anywho, see ya~

𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼

"tell me the filth, as the saltwater shall cleanse it all."

"a deadline? again?!"

ruka exclaimed, slamming the other half of her laptop shut in frustration. her face contorted into exasperation as another wave of deadlines flooded her brain. hand holding her temple, she thought back into the things she recently just completed, and now she's piled up on again. paid rent, bills, groceries, college fees, and now another deadline of a project in arts is due next month. she just finished a work three days ago, cramming it until she passed out just to pass it one minute before the submission day ended, straight at 11:59. and not even a week later, her professor held up another due date, with such intricate designs required, and precise cuts that's being demanded. she can't handle all of it right now as she had a life to live outside of piles of work to do.

"screw studying, i'm getting fresh air."

she breaths, before bringing herself up on her feet and reached for the keys hanging off her doorframe before heading out. steps leading towards the sandy land near the edge of the city. the beach.

the scene that unfolded was magnificent.

not wasting any time, her feet buzzed towards the powdery floor, leaving a trail of prints behind and sat nearby the water, her arms enveloping her knees.

she won't take this beach for granted, she's grateful and lucky enough to live near a place like this when tourists out there travel for miles to lay eyes on the view. and thank heavens too, a place where she can hang loose is just a couple blocks away. free, and just around.

resting her stare by the water, she imagined like everytime the waves left the shore and visit again, the motion it made felt like it's washing her mind.

"so this is what it feels like stepping outside, huh?" she jokes, smirking on her own lame joke as her sight took in the fresh scene before her. the mint-blue colored sea, how the wind slipped through her strands, admiring the specs of sand that dances beneath her feet, her nose inhaling the salty scent that surrounded her. by how submerged she was in her commissions and assignments, it's ridiculous for her to think that she misses out on such marvelous sceneries, and probably more of them that exists, but she passed by on. and heaven knows what else of a view she haven't seen yet, and what is there more to see. and she promises once finals were over, she'll navigate every place and every sea that she couldn't grasp while trapped into this neverending cycle of being worked out.

"i believe being in the sand is a rare occasion for you." a voice emerged from beside her.

ruka jolted in shock, startled by a sudden presence of another person beside her. her body flinched away, as if creating distance between her and this other man that seemed too calm despite his sudden appearance.

he sat in a relaxed posture. his legs spread out in the sand as he had himself leaning back onto his arms, his palm supporting his weight. and he had a mellow face.

"c-can i help you? since when have you've been there?" she stammered, her eyes observing and taking in his attitude and demeanor. he was wearing something casual, his hair was damp with water but not dripping. she was puzzled how he had his clothing neat and dry if he used to be underwater. maybe he changed into new clothes? but maybe he's been out from the blue for a while, and had time to dry himself up. his skin looked delicate and smooth, there also showed displays of small circles, like bubbles.

the stranger didn't answer her question of how long he's been sitting there before she took notice of him, or how he even appeared there in the first place. by the time she step foot in the shore, she didn't see anyone dressed that cleanly and modestly at a place where you're supposed to drench yourself in water. he simply gave her a soft look in his eye before opening his mouth again

"you're burdened, care to share?"

if she's already bewildered by him randomly materializing in thin air without hearing his steps or feeling him beside her, his direct question messed her brain up further.

one, he was a complete stranger who thought to approach her out of nowhere. and two, he had the nerve to ask about her personal problem like he's someone familiar to her. and how did he know? did her face show how much stress she's under? was it that obvious? did the dark circles under her eyes told the whole story for her?

"...how did you know i was troubled?"

"tell me what bothers you," he trailed off

"tell a secret to a fish, as they'll hide your troubles into the deepest of the oceans."

he pointed towards the mass of water in front of them, extending an arm out. defining of the meaning he intended, that telling a fish of your burdens, they shall keep as they swim in the ocean. whilst they swim, they get crushed within the waves and tides, and so as the problem they carry. swimming into the vast ocean, in by its unknown they go, the fish that carries one's puzzlement they shall forget.

ruka's lips unzipped, forgetting this uncanny encounter with the other, too bustled about the matters that served as parasites that drained her blood, words flowing out through her teeth naturally as she stripped herself of negativity. pouring all of it to a man's ear.

she mentioned everything that bugged her. payments, deadlines, everything. blabbering it all out like she was writing on a journal.

a hushed whisper of time flew, she eventually grew tired of speaking. she had talked, and talked mindlessly, emotions washed over her. not knowing her gaze dropped towards the sand in the middle of venting, she forgot her position.

she was still talking with a person beside her, and is probably going to be rude of her if she didn't acknowledge him and only talked about herself, and everything revolved solely about her.

"hey I'm sorry if i-" she cut herself off, flabbergasted. only a sound of a "ah-" finished the sentence for her

well, the man that she was supposed to be talking to, disappeared.

she didn't know if she was in too deep within her venting, that she didn't even notice he left. her eyes furrowed in both confusion, and in slight displeasure because how could he leave her like that while she talked? it's so ill-mannered, for her. asking her to talk about herself then leave afterwards?

about to react, a voice yelled

"ruka! i was just looking for you" her friend, rie with her boyfriend nicholas stood beside her, with a hand on her shoulder

"so you forgot we were supposed to hangout today or what?" she raised a brow, hands on her hips, asking in an animated way. ruka just laughed it off, "i have a life yaknow, just needed a cool-off"

and while the girls catches up with each other, almost bickering because she almost missed a third-wheeling hangout with rie and nicholas, his eyes wandered across the sea, like looking for something.

even before rie yelled to call out to her friend, he saw an odd looking fish swimming near ruka. for sure, goldfish exists, but the unnatural color of the one he saw earlier was bizarre. and she seemed like she was talking to it too.

until now, he was still looking for that weird fish, but it was gone.

the three figures walked away to return back into the concrete, footsteps painting pictures onto the sand.

for one moment, ruka took a second to spare a last glance into where she recently sat. and for some reason, getting every bottled problem she had faded away. the feelings when she entered, and left the shore contrasts each other, weirdly enough.

discarding the remaining hundred questions of whatever collision she had with this person, she deserted the seaside with her friends.

and somewhere within the blue depths, goes a fish with a remaining three seconds to remember the face of a woman who opened her soul to him.

愛: reader referred to as "chihiro." after a tragic end had been brought into jo and chihiro's relationship, she started to search for another man to lend her heart to. meeting kei, she started to spot traces of jo onto him everywhere.

性: hello~ welcome back to another shih post and for today's snack was a request from a friend🙏 her idea was so peak i had to write ts. anywho, see ya around~

nothing could describe how deafening the silence was in chihiro's apartment after finding out everything that had been left unsaid to her. she couldn't believe everything that she had heard. or she couldn't believe herself, that she romanticized every interaction both of them had.

every ship and tease they received, every small act of love that were wrapped under the disguise of a lighthearted thing between friends, every birthdays she celebrated and every time the day of hearts on February occur, apparently, those served only as "banter".

of all the times they had, she couldn't understand why how jo could see it as friendly exchanges. do friends give each other hugs that linger for a second more? lend extra chocolates for valentines? caring "more" than a usual friend would do? no matter how many views she look at it as, she still don't understand how it all mean nothing.

especially when on a random day, he had a woman glued under his arm. just like that.

even when she tried giving jokes that had a meaning beneath them, asking silly "what-ifs" like it's something hypothetical. but it never was. she already tested the waters back then, but reflecting onto it now, she understood why he just answered a simple "I don't know." because he truly couldn't see a vision of them together.

now alone with her thoughts, floated away from jo, trying to drown herself with facts that he maybe, really did thought of them nothing. she bets her whole life that he knew what he was doing back then. and now, wrecking her pillar by announcing that he's with another.

she wanted to forget. he's not the only man in the world afterall. and there's probably going to be someone better than him.

after a moment in time, her paths intertwined with a man named "kei".

he technically was everything she could ask for. the whole package. good looks, good personality, never had a scandalous past and has a good reputation on his name.

she thought she could finally forget the first one who really shook her heart, and was the first within her everything. she'll forget about him in time, and she doesn't care whether or not jo really got to her guts first.

but it didn't last long until she started to notice the little habits kei does.

the way he places flowers on her ear whenever it fell from a tree, the way his fascination sparks when sports are involved, the way he caressed her face to provide her comfort when the road gets rocky. what the worst one was, she could see the resemblance of jo within him. and it's ticking her so much, that she sees these past habits he used to do in a different person. like haunting her, and reminding her all over, that jo can never be replaced, and she will see him in every man she'll ever meet. if she searches, traces and subtle presence of his will show itself to her.

"chihiro." his voice spoke, snapping a finger by her face to catch her attention, eyes boring down into hers as if inspecting her

"you're doing it again."

"do what?"

"you're always like this. and you never tell me why." he argues, restraining his tone to not sound frustrated or mad at her, but by her actions lately. he didn't want to blame her, for if she's busy and the stress was physically showing onto her, that's that. but her behavior has been getting more and more questionable. she tried awkwardly laughing it off, reasoning she's just tired and is stressed from the pile of work that's constantly being poured at her

"is tiredness the reason why you kept calling me jo?"

she freezes. eyes slightly widening in shock, his unexpected question catching her off guard. she wanted to defend herself and deny, but nothing comes out of her throat. yes, she had slip-ups and in some moments, she called him jo out of instinct. she didn't know why her mouth just said it, it sort of just kind of came out. did her body just believed the voices in her head were saying? that in some different angles of the light, an illumination of jo occasionally appears?

"i know who you pretend i am, chihiro. do i look like him? do i feel like him?"

"i am not him, but i can pretend to."