Hi. I’m Casey. I’m 19, 5’2”, and feel like I’ve already lived most of my life…And most of it has been hating myself for the way I look. Here is the very short version of my story.
PICTURE 1: I’m almost 13 there. I weighed only 53 pounds, and was going through a 2-year misdiagnoses at the time. Everything I ate made my stomach hurt. I would eat, and then I’d be on the floor screaming in pain. The doctors said I was lying to cover up my “eating disorder.” I went through over 15 doctors, and two psychologists. I was dropped by many of doctors because they didn’t know what to do. I lost all of my friends. I was in too much pain, and too weak to go to school. I was in the hospital with feeding tubes down my throat to force feed me. But I wanted to eat. I tried my best to eat, but no matter how much I ate, I kept losing weight. I ate through the pain to make everyone happy, except myself. I was killing myself with food. The doctors finally didn’t know what else to do, but cut a hole in me so every time I’d be home, my parents could put a feeding tube through it. No one knew what to do.
But around a week before they were going to do that, a brilliant doctor saw a blood test that I had taken two years earlier. I had Celiac Disease. It is an intolerance to Wheat, Oats, Rye, and Barley. By eating those foods, my intestines were completely damaged. My growth hormone had stopped, and my digestive system had completely broken down. I stopped eating those foods, and the pain went away.
Even though I was finally diagnosed, I was still threatened by doctors that if I didn’t gain a certain amount of weight in a week, I’d be put back in the hospital. So, every night, I’d make myself a picnic in my room, and eat until I was about to throw up. In only two months, I gained the 20 pounds I needed to. But I couldn’t stop eating. I kept eating, and eating, and eating. It became an addiction. I used food to cope witheverything. That’s me at almost my highest weight, only a year and a half later. I was diagnosed with Binge-Eating Disorder. It consumed my life. I would binge every night, and sometimes, be too sick to go to school. I went to therapist after therapist trying to get help, but I just couldn’t stop. I hated myself. I felt disgusting. I thought I was a failure had no willpower. Food had completely consumed my life. The past two years I had been forced to eat, and then when I wasn’t, i literally could not stop eating. I spiraled into a huge depression, began cutting myself every day, and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and Body Dysmoprhic Disorder. I have been coping with all of that now for 4 years. My highest weight was 140 pounds.
Picture 2 - This is me now. 108 pounds. I still struggle with Binge-Eating, self harm and my weight constantly goes up and down. I have stretch marks, cellulite, and scars all over my body. I can’t help but sometimes look in the mirror and see ugly. But slowly, I’m getting better. Sometimes I can look in the mirror. Sometimes, I can take pictures of myself. And that’s a huge improvement from where I was. I’m a survivor. People told me I was going to die, and I didn’t. People told me I was a liar, and I fought for my life, no matter what anyone said. So what if I have scars? It shows what I have gone and still am going through. It shows how I’m still fighting for happiness everyday, and that will start by loving my body. I am beautiful.
We all need to realize that life is too short to base it all on the way we look, or a number on a scale. Eat when you’re hungry. Eat chocolate if it makes you happy. Wear whatever you want. If the media thinks that killing yourself physically and mentally to look a certain way is what’s beautiful, then they are the ones with the problems. If everyone looked the same, the world would be so boring! YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR WEIGHT. NO MATTER WHAT SIZE.
http://cvcisme.tumblr.com/ <3 If anyone wants to talk, I’m here for you.
BE BRAVE! JOIN THE REVOLUTION!
