I dont drink babe, but you're Tanqueray. xo

I was convinced he loved me too. How could that have been all a lie??? I just can’t accept that. And it seems so fucking stupid. Because I know that all the other girls might have thought “I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to him, he fucked up.” And I am not the only one he made feel like it was end game. It’s so fucked up. I’m so distracted with it. I think of every conversation and every day we spent with each other over snd over and over again because I’m trying to understand how all that day dream was fake. Twirling me around in the park to love story and all the talk of coincidences and drunk karaoke nights. You’re telling me it was all fake?? That he never cared? I just don’t get it. Why spend money on flights and hotels for what. A booty call? Why not just go pick someone up from a bar, you have no shame clearly, just have one night stands turn into benefits. It would be so much easier than pretending to love someone and to meet their family and to just… I don’t get it. That’s like master manipulator stuff, how does one think like that and be so calm and smooth about it? How did this happen?

I feel so much fucking anger. I hate him so fucking much. I’m not okay at all. I want to say mean things to him. All the things I ever thought but didn’t say because it would be hurtful, I wanna say it. I wanna dig so deep into his insecurities and I want to make that grown ass disgusting waste of a man CRY. I want him to feel like an asshole for fucking with me like that. I now need therapy because of this, that was 7-8 months of my life I’m not fucking okay. I hate him so much and I wanna watch him cry and look ashamed of himself. And then I never wanna see him again. I wish him the worst. I don’t hate a lot of people. There’s maybe one person I ACTUALLY hate, and he comes in on the list, taking first place. I hate this fucking man so much.

I want to tell him know what he said. How he proposed and I threw the ring at him and called him broke. How he said I was crazy and was trying to break his relationship up and how I have a horse face. He thought I was stunning and I KNOW that. All of it can’t have been fake. I think I would die if it was.

And then I never wanna see him again. I have blacklisted him as much as I could for every major city in Canada. People will know the face of a cheater, a man who abandons his child, a man who uses his height and his occupation to get into girls pants and then makes promises of babies and rings. He will continue to tell future women that I’m crazy. He will slander my name in the name getting laid. These girls will think less of me because he’s so good at playing the victim. Nothing I say now or ever will ever have the impact I want it to have. He will listen to me, pretend to feel bad and immediately snap a girl or call someone and create some story about how I just ruined his day. I have to accept that I will now serve as the villain in his stories. I loved him. It was all real for me. But I will be the villain. If I must protect my sanity and my dignity, I have to say nothing. I have to fight every single urge to say anything or acknowledge him. I have to disappear. I can let him wonder. Be curious. And shut him out. Never another acknowledgment ever again.

What? Oh no some guy I knew a long time ago, I don’t even remember his name.

Just some guy I used to know, I forget his name.

I feel devastated, angry, disrespected and yet… even more sad about this feeling of loss in my chest.

I don’t know what I expected to happen out of this. I knew it was gonna end this way. I knew it. I just… don’t know why it had to be this way. I feel like I can physically feel a piece of me break off and drift into time and space. He imprinted on my fucking soul and I wasn’t expecting it back then and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting it now. I feel like I’m just sitting on the floor with these shattered memories. Do I confront him with what I know? Do I tell him I know everything? I fear that if I do that that he’ll just try and feed me another lie and truthfully I can’t take one more lie from him. Why does he have to lie? It’s over now anyway, why bother lying if there’s no possibility of redemption anyway?

He made promises to her about weddings and houses and a life together too. He told her she was his person and who knows what else they have in common with me. I wanna know but I don’t wanna push her to relive things. I get that it’s painful.

For me it adds an entirely new layer. Because sure. He lied about having a kid to me but like that’s just basic piece of shit kind of material. This is like.. well it’s also basic piece of shit material but it’s like… I loved that man. I threw my life to the wolves for that man. I cried in front of him, and protected our relationship, and defended it and I stood up for it and I was convinced. And it was all a lie. Something he quite literally tells all the girls. I’m angry out loud and even angrier and more sad internally. and he has no idea I know.

I want to list all the mean things I held back during our relationship and I want to publicly embarrass him and let him watch it happen. I want every one of my followers to know what his face looks like and how he lies to women, about his child, about what he’s doing, and how he’s such a fucking loser and always has been. I downgraded to him because he treated me like a princess and it was all a fucking lie. What the actual fuck. This just adds a new layer I wasn’t really expecting to find.

I think of the potential here. If I could just bang it out for a whole summer. Stay focused, do the thing, teach pole Monday to Wednesday. One summer. I think it would be life changing. 12 weeks of weekends like this would mean making more than I have ever made in my adult life ever… in 3 months. Under the table. A life changing amount of money for the lifestyle I have. This plus the studio paying me would mean that I would be making 60 k and I could help tj, and pay my dad every month.. I could afford to go on vacation, I would spoil the absolute shit out of TJ. He is my handsome king who deserves his flowers every day. He’s such a good man you know? He hasn’t tried to change me, he’s trying his best to accept this part of me. I think I realized what part of myself this fulfills where I can’t get anywhere else. He doesn’t have to try, he’s bending for me and I want to make sure I don’t break him because I am so lucky that someone like him would somehow do anything for me. He’s such a good man and I love him dearly. But honestly this fantasizing about the possibilities this job presents is so epic and never ending.

Today it feels like I’m stuck in my own head. I can see myself. Like I am typing and watching myself inside my own brain at the same time. It looks like a white room and my hair is tossed over to the left and I’m squeezing my eyes shut and rocking back and forth with the words “make it stop” coming out of my mouth on repeat. I think this is the visual representation of anxiety. I think it’s my stress and pain manifesting into daydreams I can see even when I’m entirely present in the real world.