I don't know if you'll ever see this. A part of me would like to believe you check this blog every once in a while but I have a strong feeling it's the contrary.
It's been 5 and a half months since we stopped talking, 8 months since we broke up. That time ago, I wouldn't have imagined myself logging into my long neglected Tumblr to write this post. It was an accident. But I couldn't close the window. I kept scrolling, I kept looking at the cute images and gifs. I kept reading our conversation bits from imvu. What the hell happened to us?
I ask the question but I know the answer well. It's just difficult. It's still hard for me. I'm getting better, but when I slip into my thoughts and think of you, of us; what we used to be, I can't stop. I have to resist the urge to text you every once in a while. I constantly ask myself; Am I over him? The answer is simple; I'm not. I love you. Fuck.
8 months ago, I quit Tumblr. 3 months later, when we decided to cut off communication, I quit Twitter because it's so easy to kill myself if I only typed in your screen name. I'm trying to come back to those things but even that isn't easy. I'm such a pussy.
My birthday was a month ago. I turned 18. In our break-up process I told you I could come visit you once I was 18. At that time, you told me 7 months was a long time to wait. You're a fighter but you didn't fight for me. Although we haven't spoken in a long time, a month after my birthday I almost did visit you. I mean, I went to Manitoba to celebrate my birthday with family. I was there for a week, and you were only a couple hours away. We were in the same time-zone. We were so close.
I'm graduating this Wednesday. I feel like during the time we haven't spoken, I've just been growing up. I honestly really feel like you have been too. That was the main reason for our break-up. How was your Christmas? How was your 19th birthday?
Panda bears haunt me. They're still you; all you. That kinda sucks.
You told me to text you once I found someone I liked; someone to replace you, essentially. I haven't found anyone... I'm afraid. Part of the reason I might get into a relationship is just to have an excuse to text you which defeats the whole fucking purpose. I know what you intended,
And where's Emily? You said she would text me soon.
I don't know what to say, Mikey. I want you back. I just... don't want you right now. I want you later, so what do you say? Grow up a bit, stop being a stupid college kid and come back to me? Heh... yeah.
You did tell me you wish you could be like me, you also said "I wish I could be the right guy for you.". I still remember it, and that's what kills me every time. Why did you have to say it?
Fuck you, Michael. Come back when you're ready. I'll be here.
P.S. I found a song about what we were:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUePkLyYta0
And a movie: The Spectacular Now
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