living / DEAD

( SINQUA WALLS, MASCULINE AGENDER, HE/THEY ) — Look who it is! If you take a look at our database, you’ll find that TERRENCE WALKER is a THIRTY-TWO ( THIRTY-FIVE ) year old GRAVEDIGGER / EX-MUSICIAN that has been in Chicago for THREE YEARS. According to government files, they’re a MUTANT on LEVEL THREE with the power of NECROMUTANT PHYSIOLOGY. That must be why they’re DECISIVE and APATHETIC. If you ask me, they remind me of LONG, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, DRUMMING FINGERS ON EVERY SURFACE, AND A WORLD IN SHADES OF GRAY. They are affiliated with NOBODY.​​

It’s sort of hard for Leo to understand, but she is trying. Obviously their immortalities, even if related, are not the same. She has given in to the relentless depression of life unending time and time again in a bitter cycle, but overall? If life is going to be long and pointless, she may as well keep herself occupied, may as well try to be kind. It doesn’t seem as though Terrence has a ‘may as well’ facet to it.

“So this, going on a walk with a stranger and a distant relative, does that feel the same as just sitting and home doing nothing, but with more effort? I am sorry for all my questions, I’m just trying to understand. I’d rather feel anything but boredom.“ Pain, heartbreak, grief, rage, they’re all preferable to boredom because at least they keep things interesting.

         questions have long since grown dull for them, but... they’re used to it from all the same people. leo is a new face, with different questions, so maybe that’s why they don’t agree and excuse themselves back to their apartment. if terry says yes, quite the same and meanders back on home, he can continue to do all the nothing he wants. but maybe it’s more complicated than nothing, despite what they would rather believe.

“Sex puns are half the fun in doing drag, really, but who am I to judge?” The mum thing makes him feel an old pain, a phantom limb as he remembers only his dad. And even then, he leaves him to rot in an old house in Florida. “And I really want you to walk in heels one of these days. Maybe for my birthday?” He bats his eyes in a face that could only go pretty please as he bumps his shoulder fondly. “Fuck—wait, fuck me. My turn, right?”

His brain tries to sift something, an embarrassing memory or an achievement, but all he comes up with is something so banal that he’s a little embarrassed to share it. “I used to be an annoyingly upbeat store clerk before I became a rockstar.” He cringes, worse than when he thought that he slept with some chucklefuck starchaser. “It was a different life. I swear.”

         “used to agree with that. not so sure, anymore.” of course... terry doesn’t find much fun in anything these days, let alone one of the few things they physically can’t do. doesn’t mean they don’t remember the fun of it though... even if it is hard to believe. since when did memory become so difficult to acknowledge? since it became like remembering someone else’s life.

who: @cursedflesh​ what: ihsan has written a new song and wants his bff’s input! where: uh not chicago when: like… around 13yrs ago. (pretend his hair is a lil longer and shaggier <3)

“ is this… ” handing the sheet of paper to terry – complete with tablature and all ! – ihsan shrugged his shoulders. “ is this… anything ? ”

          “when are you going to stop being so bloody modest, kaplan?” he asks, clapping his old friend on the shoulder. “is this anything? you’re throwing it in the garbage before i look at it, saying it like that. it’s everything, mate. you’ve got talent. isn’t it time to start owning that?”

mark, ever the chatty-kathy, hummed as terrence began their spiel. he couldn’t say he didn’t get it. like terrence, he was a public persona ( though he had to assume his following was far more cult than terrence’s, what given that he had never been a famous rockstar who headlined festivals and all ! ) and, like terrence, he’d go damn near mad if anyone he did not explicitly invite found his private address. unlike terrence ? he had all the access he needed to the infamous burglar. “ don’t gotta worry about it. ” like terrence, he condoned murder ! between their passion for privacy and condoning of murder, maybe they were more alike than mark had expected ! “ ‘right. ” after a firm and manly handshake, mark tucked his hand into his pocket. analyzing it from an outsider perspective, they may’ve both had powers related to the cycle of life and death… but, despite technically being relatives and having their own similarities, it was a wonder they were related to leo outside of that ! if mark still kept in touch with his family, he’d tell her to just go meet some of the more social members of the jensen line ! “ gonna be seein’ you again, i don’t doubt it. ”

         don’t gotta worry about it. as if that’s going to actually make a difference. worry isn’t exactly the word terry would use to describe themselves, but it’s pretty close. he doesn’t want someone to find his residence, and the only thing between that and him is someone he’s barely met. and someone he’s never met! taking mark at his word seems like the absolute worst idea in the world, but then... what are they supposed to do about it? make him pinky promise that he’ll take care of the issue ( and not tell him about it! if murder is in the cards, he is not interested in being responsible ) and make sure his privacy isn’t invaded? lips drawing into a thin line, terry does the only thing they can do—they nod.

         awkward man-shake aside, they’re not exactly happy about it but certain that mark is right. they will be seeing each other again, given that leo seems eager to get her family back together ( even far flung as they are ) even if it doesn’t have anything to do with their information breach. “sure,” he says, more of a sigh than an actual word. being alone suddenly seems a lot harder than it used to be... and it’s always been hard! “is that all you wanted, then?”

“Well, there are plenty of ways to have sex that don’t include erections or penetration, but I take your point.” Leo resists the urge to go into detail about what AFAB people did historically to make love; obviously that’s not the only thing holding Terrence back, and in any case, they’re family! Generally one doesn’t go into too much detail about sex with one’s family.

And there’s the catch: Terrence can see the selfishness in their behaviour but doesn’t care to do anything about it. “Isn’t it boring? Not caring about anything or anyone? I mean, don’t you ever find yourself inclined to do things just to do something different?“ Often over the years that’s been what keeps Leo going, more than anything. Just dodging boredom.

          “sure, but it’s not that stopping me. i just don’t see the point.” that’s how terry feels about everything these days. what’s the point, what’s the point, what’s the fucking point? at least while fully alive, life had been pleasant. not always good, but overall... something that got him up out of bed every day. something he could look forward to. something full of potential, of passion, of good things. what do they have now? everything is a burden and as far as they can tell, there’s no way to end that torment. “i don’t feel it, anymore.”

“Oh yes,“ Leo agrees with a small nod; she’s lived long enough for everything. She does understand the pointlessness. “Though I think I dealt with my resignation to the pointlessness with more… debauchery and recklessness. Because I would think, well, if nothing matters and nothing can hurt me then I might as well drink whatever I want and bed whomever I want and go wherever I want, because ultimately it doesn’t make a difference. And maybe it doesn’t! But just because it’s meaningless to me, that doesn’t mean it’s meaningless to everyone, you know? Whether I like it or not, I am here for the foreseeable future, and if I can’t find any meaning for myself then I can at least try and help others find meaning or joy. In the end resigning yourself to meaningless doesn’t absolve you of life’s responsibilities, it just makes you selfish.”

That is as close as Leo comes to tough love: insinuating that Terry might be thinking selfishly. And maybe they won’t even care about that! But all Leo can do is say her piece and hope to be heard. It’s a small hope. After all, she’s been begging God to listen to her for centuries. By now she’s quite accustomed to being ignored.

         “s’pose that makes sense, if you’ve got a taste for it.” that kind of reckless debauchery left them in death, however. the life of a famous musician is full of that sort of thing. drinking too much, taking the wrong ( and right ) drugs, dancing until their feet felt like they would fall off... only to get up and have to do things early the next day. now, with drinking doing nothing but sitting dull in their dead stomach and the lack of blood flow ( to say nothing of sensation in and of itself ) making... other activities... difficult, there’s no point in throwing themselves in to the same mistakes. “lost mine, though. can’t get drunk. can’t get it up, either.” maybe too much information for someone they’ve only just met, but shame has left them too. something tells him it’s left her as well.

“Fine. Grunge-alt-punk-rock icons.” Wilson Red was a hit to him—an envious little thing that he wanted to have, even with the drugs and the guys and the sneaking around with the powers, but he doesn’t know what else to say. Terry knew, didn’t he? He’d never say it, but he hoped he knew—that even with the life and the death and the rebirth, Victor simply envied him a little. For the choices that he made, and the ones that he didn’t have to, really. Fame is a prison, cries the prissy little songbird, but it’s still true, even after the checks and the death threats.

Victor laughs a little. “Oh, honey. You must’ve looked—well, I can’t imagine you in heels, Cindy.” A stiletto shaped shoe appears on Victor’s foot, and he wiggles it around. Now, he can run in five, but starting out again in the punk scene, he looked like a bow-legged wannabe. “Can I at least hear the drag name, Ter? If it’s any consolation, I was going to be Ivana Komenya, if I ever got there.”

         “better, even if now i think you’re taking the piss.” and he is, of course, because if there’s one thing that they know for a fact about victor... he doesn’t take a single thing in life seriously! at one point, terry had almost admired that fact about him. now, they don’t really know what to think of it. is it annoying? sometimes. is it entertaining? sometimes. it all comes down to a big sometimes. and that’s the most that they usually get out of feelings. it’s still a step above them interacting purely out of obligation and nothing more!

“I love drums,” Leo reassures them. And she does! They’re wonderful for accompanying dance and song, and while she doesn’t know much about how drums are used these days, she’d be happy to learn from Terrence.

Alright, so food seems like a no-go. Which is a terrible shame, but Leo won’t be deterred. So, no food, no passion for his old music: Leo begins to keep a list in her head (she feels it might be tactless to verbalise it in front of poor Terrence, like it’s a laundry list of things they cannot enjoy). Bracingly, she says, “Well, if it’s not necessary then I suppose you’re not really missing out! Does it all just feel… pointless? Meaningless?” On the outside, it’s true, they couldn’t appear more different; but over the years, Leo has felt it all. Rage and depression, an acute awareness of the meaninglessness of it all. “I think I might understand you better than you think.”

         it’s hard to care about anyone else’s preferences nowadays, but it’s still good to know that leo can handle some noise. not that they usually are the one making it, but still. it shouldn’t come as any surprise, of course, that someone who’s lived so long would have gotten used to a wide array of things that nobody else has. drums? try bombs!

         “s’pose not,” they agree, shrugging a shoulder. truthfully, terry thinks they could go for more missing out, given what they do have to eat... but again, he’s definitely not going to get into a conversation about that. not now, preferably not ever! “pointless, meaningless... whatever you want to call it. that’s about all there is for me, anymore.” but that’s just how it is! he can’t die, so whatever point there is to living has pretty much been snuffed out with the pieces of them that stayed beyond the grave. “you’ve probably lived long enough for it.”

“Oh, really?” Leo positively glows. “I would like that very much, thank you! Not right away; but one day, when you’re ready, I would so love to hear you play.” She doesn’t want to pressure poor Terrence (kidnapping him from his own home today notwithstanding), so she won’t insist on a performance right away.

Oh, how awful though, to learn her poor descendant can’t even keep food down! Food is one of life’s simplest and most wonderful pleasures. “Oh– terrible– I am sorry. Is eating a necessity for you, or is it possible simply to go without?” Obviously that’s no fun, but better than forcing something down that won’t stay down, if it’s not strictly necessary.

“ yes and no. ” he’d been given the address, but it had stayed safely in his dms ! now, did he trust queefburglar69 ? as much as the guy seemed to adore him – no, of course not. hell, if he ignored his next dms, there was every possibility the burglar would try to leak the address as revenge ! …in another world ! “ guy knows he ain’t comin’ back if it’s leaked. ” he had other people that could doxx queefburgler69 and he didn’t give a shit if that guy’s address, or any other private information, got leaked. head on over there, do a little flaying, send a little serpent down his throat to choke on, go back home !  hm… it sounded like terrence hadn’t mistreated her… perhaps been a little less than enthusiastic ( which mark would have preferred ), but a bit of apathy and tolerance was better than sending her off. “ mark, ” he introduced, holding out a hand. if leo was gonna prefer to think of them as brothers – which she probably would – the least he could do was give terrence his first name.

         guy knows... by that point, terry has made the elective decision to stop listening. “look, mate... i don’t care if the guy comes back or not. if they leak it, i get screwed even if they’re fixing for a funeral. if you killed them now—okay, that association is a jump. mark surely doesn’t mean actual murder. and can they really be condoning that, even if he is?—metaphorically—success!—i wouldn’t care. but if they’ve just got my information on hand, i’m not good with that.” privacy is the only thing in their life that they’re actually somewhat passionate about... if only to keep that passionless life to themselves!

        of all the people that could have come to his door, this one actually makes the most sense for someone related to leo. he’s completely, balls to the walls, insane! not for anything he’s actually said, but for caring that much in the first place. for going through all the trouble to find their address just to ask if they were impolite or not! maybe at one point, terrence would have done the same thing. not anymore. not now. “terry,” they answer, hesitating before they send a creaking, ice-cold hand to meet his...third twice-removed fifth-absent family friend’s cousin, or whatever the hell this guy actually is to them.

“ got my own ways. ” the last thing mark wanted to admit to, especially upon a first meeting, was the fact that… he had contacted his biggest fan, queefburglar69. telling terry they’d been doxxed ? eh. telling terry he had a cult following of odd little christians online who knew how to track people down ? eh. but telling terry he had contacted the queef burglar ? in his life, he’d had very few sources of shame, but finally replying to all 427 of queefburglar69′s DMs to ask him if he could ‘doxx’ terrence walker ? he’d rather sacrifice his dignity with another humiliating ‘jump in the air!’ photoshoot. “ ain’t no one else gonna find you ‘cause of me, though. ” except maybe queefburglar69…  “ good. ” crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned against the doorframe. “ you humor her ? give her the whole ‘grandson’ thing she was lookin’ for ? ” mark had eight siblings and dozens of cousins he was raised to think of as siblings ( even if he had gone ‘no contact’ with all of them ). he didn’t need another brother… but if that’s what leo wanted of them ( and leo ? she was family, and not just because they were (very distantly) related ), he’d play along, at least.

         got my own ways. that just irritates terry, if only because the one thing in their life that they actually want is constantly being made unattainable! is it too much to ask for people to just leave them alone? fame or not, the answer seems to keep being yes! “just be frank with me, mate. did someone else give you the address? is it on some website i’m not aware of? because maybe it benefits you, but i need that shit removed as soon as possible. i don’t want my apartment becoming a circus.” and it will become a circus if the paparazzi ever get wind of it! with all the unanswered questions still swirling around their circumstances... well, vultures will be vultures. “i respect your word, but i don’t know you.”

         terry grimaces, wondering if he’s going to be subject to the relative interrogation crew for much longer. “i gave what i could. we went on a walk, we talked. i don’t know what else you want out of me.” after a pause, they add, “again, don’t know you. you didn’t make it a point to introduce yourself, or nothing.” maybe they wouldn’t need one if they had any kind of interest in social media... or fringe christianity but as it stands, mark is a perfect stranger.

“Please, I was still in the firm’s grip with a meeting every tour about how they were going to dock my royalties in my contract—early contract. No way in hell was I going to cause a scandal overseas then.” Victor still thinks about the life he lived. Two different men; but he got fame and fortune and all the fucking press he wanted by then. It just didn’t matter by the time that he’d fucked some random politician. “Ask me two years after? I’d have said hell yes and brought him to Amsterdam!”

Sliding over the next shot, he looks at Terry with a grin. “Next secret! Or are you tapping out?” He jabs him with his elbow lightly, enjoying the buzz the alcohol gives with the company. Drinking alone could be so depressing. “Thought you rock stars shoulda been a little scrappier with the secrets.”

         “true enough. firms are hell.” they know this very, very well—it’s part of the reason that they had dropped ihsan in the first place! nobody was going to pick up a band that had dead weight attached, especially when said dead weight was eager to pull the rest of them into the depths with him. irony has a funny way of showing itself, though—who’s dead weight, now? “still wouldn’t have caught me dead paying like that. i’d have sooner fled the country.” again, not so much anymore. now they would have taken out the checkbook.

Just not that into it any more. He sounds awfully apathetic, which is presumably a result of his resurrection. Leo is increasingly convinced God has simply opted to keep a part of poor Terrence, which is certainly something she intends to pray about. Not, she thinks rather archly, that God seems to listen much to her!

“Oh that is a shame,” she sighs, in a manner that may seem melodramatic but is in fact absolutely earnest. Leo has always been extravagant in her emotions. “I was rather hoping I could hear you play. Oh well– perhaps one day. Do you really feel you’re not passionate about anything any more? You don’t have hobbies, a lover, a favourite food…?” Leo wants to get to know Terrence but she also wants to get to the bottom of their condition. Any descendant of hers simply cannot be afflicted with something incurable! Leo wouldn’t hear of it.

some years ago, mark would’ve been asking himself how the hell leo had already found terrence’s address. he knew there was a chance she’d get there before him, but he figured it was slim… whereas, some years ago, he would’ve figured it impossible. but, damn her if she did not have her ways ! live a few hundred years, mark supposed you learn a couple strategies ( even if you forget a couple others along the way ). “ didn’t give it to her, naw, but she’s got her ways. hell, woulda shown up before giving it to her if i’d been the one ! ” now, the grave thing about this ? it all hinged on a famous musician who had died then quit his own band ( thanks, queefburglar69 )… well, 1) believing her, and 2) being nice to her. mark may have had some fame in his own right, but a cult following of oddball christians was a far cry from a mass following with people debating who in terry’s band had the best feet ( …thanks again, queefburglar69… ). “ were you nice to her ? ‘cause when i say she’s been waitin’ for this, i damn well mean it. hell, long as you didn’t shove her away before she could talk, you probably know. ” there were very few people mark would be so insistent about being kind to ! like… really only one ! leo was really only it ! everyone else in his life ( of which, there were few ) could just… exist !

         terry isn’t convinced they should take mark’s word on that. firstly, because it wouldn’t be the first time someone has compromised where they live —albeit with worse results, usually, than some grandma with a personal fountain of youth—and secondly because two people independently finding their address is much worse than just one. something tells him a move is in his distant future... “so if you didn’t give it to her,” they start, arms crossed over their chest. “how the hell did you find it?” forget leo, which they probably should also ask about, how is this becoming so easy?

         the insistence on being nice is also... strange. terry doesn’t think they’re mean, just not overly enthusiastic. or normally enthusiastic. or even abnormally enthusiastic. wherever enthusiasm is, they are as far away as possible. “i know what you’re on about, if that’s what you’re asking. let her in the flat and everything. that’s nicer than i’d be to anyone else.” not nice, per se... but not really kind, either. “since we’ve established that, what is it you want? just come by to check if i’ve shoved her out, or what?”

who: @cursedflesh​ where: outside of terry’s place (doxxing :elmo:) what: that’s our grandma!

if there was one thing mark was sure of, it was that leo was going to be seeking terrence walker out. and if there was one thing mark was sure of ( so… that would make it two ), it was that he, as the man who had introduced her to the genealogy websites, could not bear to be responsible for any disappointments she may encounter in her endeavors ! ( any disappointments at all would be a shame, but to be actively responsible for them ? well… ) lucky for him, with some followers in high places, terrence walker was decently easy to place… he never thought he’d be alright with this so-called ‘doxxing’ ( a real invasion of privacy – the house he actually lived in was as off the grid as possible for a reason ), but queefburglar69 finally came in handy. “ tell you what, a little old woman’s gonna stop by any time now – ‘bout yea high, ” he began, putting his hand level to his shoulder, “ and she’s gonna be real excited. gonna tell you she’s your great-great-great-great-something-grandma, and you gotta at least pretend to be happy, ‘right ? name’s leo – might introduce herself as leonarda with a real long last name – and, boy, she’s been fuckin’ waitin’ for this. ”

         hearing another knock at his door is almost enough to ruin his evening. there’s always a possibility that it’s alara, but truth be told, terry doesn’t even want to see her right now. there are just too many damn people in their life right now! first alara ( which he can handle mostly ) then ihsan ( which he can’t ) then leo... and he doesn’t know what to do about any of it. they just don’t have the desire for a social life anymore, and the circle they’ve kept as minimal as they can is slowly starting to grow larger. a few days rest is what they really want. a few days where they don’t have to talk to anyone. where they can sit in their apartment and play dead without any impending interruptions. is that too much to ask for?

         in the end, despite considering ignore the disturbance, they do open the door—and are immediately met with a face they don’t know. great. who the hell does he have to deal with now? but before terry can get out a gruff what do you want? this stranger ends up having something to say about leo. interesting warning—if too late, considering that they’ve already had her knocking on the door—but there’s a more pressing matter at hand... how the hell did he get found like this twice? did he give her his address? how did he find it?

         “she already came by,” he says, hands on his hips. “you the one who told her where i live?” if so, there might be some ass kicking in order!