kind of a damaged sad girl in a mad world

so my ex bf he texted me and wants to meet up to talk things over and i know i shouldn't bc chances are we're just going to fuck again and it'll feel amazing for a while and then i'll just crash down again feeling guilty and used but isn't it so weird that my body's fighting a battle with my mind like i know i should be stronger but in a strange way it's pretty much the same with food and sleeping yk like my mind will tell me to watch my weight while my body wants unhealthy food and when i wake up and want to lie in my mind will say no get up girl but my body feels tired and heavy ig with my ex boyfriend rn it's the same way my mind's telling me dodge this mf bc he's just going to fill you up and not add anything else to your life but my body's like pls pls pls let's get some dick it's so maddening but i should just master shifu inner peace this shit and find my center or smth

sounds crazy i know but had a talk with someone about the way i throw myself at hot older guys all the time out of some sense of insecurity or whatever and tonight i had this dinner at my future workplace yk where as expected there's going to be a bunch of older men i'd crush on normally but i kind of forced myself to be professional and just not worry about it all too much now i did get along with many of them there was like a connection right away and idk if i read the room i guess some of them wouldn't have minded a couple minutes in a dark corner but i'm going to try and behave this time around and i promise myself not to go all succubus on them on day one

very nervous today bc i got hired as a teacher at a school and tonight there's this dinner party i'm supposed to attend to get to know all my colleagues right but i'm just nineteen and it's likely most of the staff's going to be more or less hot older guys twice my age i mean even phrasing it like this's part of the problem bc every single time i start someplace new i crush so fucking hard on not one but usually several older men and that whole older men younger girl dynamic just messed with my mind and i got to be so careful not to fall back on destructive patterns like crushing so hard i'll do anything and put in overtime just to get them to spend time with me bc honestly it's always ended the same way they'll just string me along and get my hopes up then force me to my knees in the storage room and fuck my throat like a pussy before making me clean up or do some paperwork yk it's just stupid me falling for the same tricks but at the same time i have an impossible time kicking this habit for some reason

just me trying on a new shade to see if my fake smile comes out better fuck it i honestly like a blurry picture btw it adds an emotion for me idk maybe i'll put it up as my profile picture maybe not we'll see but it's me thought i'd let you guys see

hello world it's me denise i'm nineteen and i'm just here to write down my thoughts and fantasies i guess my life's kind of messed up always has been but i try to make the most of it thing's i recently broke up with the latest in a long line of bad boys who just treated me like a toy and idk why i keep fucking up like this like today i had to get my blood taken and i passed out like a bitch and when i got to there was this nerdy male nurse who'd apparently taken care of me and i just started crying like a baby not bc of passing out but bc i thought to myself girl why can't you just let a nice guy like this into our life instead of bullies who force you to swallow their cum in an abandoned parking lot every friday night yk i'm such a pathetic loser but most days i just surrender to the same daily routine and exercise to numb the pain or masturbate six times a day to keep riding that high yk it's lame but it's true anyway how's that for a first post right if i have any luck left there might be some nice people to talk to here at least LIKE and REBLOG or just FOLLOW me thanks i probably like attention too much but society ignores me all the time and i genuinely feel better when i see those little likes and reblogs yk it just cheers me up a bit to know someone's reading and listening to my stupid life's stories or smth