Curious Luminosity

So I’ve been journaling due to my depression and also protesting tumblr because no more nudies, but I needed to put this somewhere public on some sort of forum where I won’t be judged.

For 7 months of my life I have been stuck in a vicious cycle of a relationship. You see other people get stuck and think “That could never be me. I love myself too much to let me go through that.”

Well y’all. It fucking happens. And sometimes the other person doesn’t do it purposefully. Some people are just toxic for each other and no matter how many times you try and make it work, you always find yourself back where you started.

This is all really easy to type right now because I drove home from work jamming out in 70 degree weather with the windows down and it’s a beautiful day.

The reality is tonight I will be back at square one in my bed all alone again.

BUT ITS OKAY TO BE ALONE.

ITS OKAY TO BE ALONE.

ITS OKAY TO BE ALONE.

(I typed that three times for myself)

The thing is recently I have pulled myself out of the depression - probably for the past month - but I have still allowed the toxicity of my relationship to seep through the cracks of my imperfect foundation.

But not anymore because the thing is I am so much better than all of this, and it’s unhealthy for all parties involved.

If you are stuck, god you are not alone.

You keep going back and you ask yourself why?

Is it the validation?

The warm body next to you?

The fact that you know it’s wrong and it’s a little exciting?

But then you realize you’re not validated or heard by your partner.

The person next to you is empty and cold and purposeless.

And you are living a lie to the people you care about the most.

The people who want to see you back to your sunshiney self.

It ain’t gonna be easy but this feeling of freedom that is radiating from me in this moment is worth more than any butterfly that could be set free in my stomach by some boy.

I am wholly myself today. Everything feels so clear and it’s like I can breathe all of a sudden and see everything I couldn’t before.

I’m coming back to read this every day until every ounce of the lingering feeling of some sort of regret or pull to go back into a toxic cycle is gone.