Will The Wise.

john mulaney starters. ( from various interviews & clips )

❛  it was the best time. it was an innocent time.  ❜

❛  are we doing it correctly  ?  ❜

❛  who am i talking about  ?  you  ?  ❜

❛  my neighbour was arrested by the fbi for being a cannibal.  ❜

❛  the fbi was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy at a six am raid.  ❜

❛  no, he never said to me in the elevator  ‘ guess what : i might be a cannibal. ’  ❜

❛  he was quiet but he was so hungry.  ❜

❛  we’ve all been there.  ❜

❛  i really want that to be a lie.  ❜

❛  florida is the costco of upsetting people.  ❜

❛  it was like comic con but alcoholic.  ❜

❛  so, i put it in the refrigerator. i took the hat and i put it in the fridge.  ❜

❛  that is an interesting way to look at it.  ❜

❛  this guy touched my car and i’m gonna nail him.  ❜

❛  the mud on the carpet  ?  oh, that’s mine  ?  alright.  ❜

❛  we’re a little different as people.  ❜

❛  there’s always like five of his friends that he calls ‘ the homies ’ sleeping on the floor.  ❜

❛  these are like XXXL shirt and jacket with spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms.  ❜

❛  i must be the best person you know.  ❜

❛  you’re amongst weird company.  ❜

❛  at best, prom is like a wedding.  ❜

❛  i’ve never met anyone who had a good prom.  ❜

❛  you bought a limo  ?  ❜

❛  i’ve been nervous for 35 years.  ❜

❛  they have a room for giraffes.  ❜

❛  no  !  camels, not giraffes  !  ❜

❛  i’m just gonna sit here and eat popcorn.  ❜

❛  warren, warren, warren. that’s a weird name.  ❜

❛  we got high in my room.  ❜

❛  i would much rather eat potato chips on the sidewalk.  ❜

❛  i get scared at outdoor concerts.  ❜

❛  i eat the mushrooms. i eat them all and i start hallucinating, as one does.  ❜

❛  i watched a woman eat a hot dog over a garbage can and i stared at her like she was the mona lisa.  ❜

❛  why don’t you have a seat  ?  everything’s gonna be fine.  ❜

❛  i discard people when i don’t need them.  ❜

❛  give me a vial of your urine and i’ll do it.  ❜

❛  oh, look. we actually did it.  ❜

❛  the penis is triangle shaped.  ❜

❛  do not do that. because you could get hurt or worse.  ❜

❛  it’s called ‘ violins against violence. ’  ❜

❛  but didn’t you listen to our whole philosophy thing  ?  ❜

❛  i know but it’s bullshit.  ❜

❛  oh, no. that was so long ago. who knows what happened in that dark tunnel.  ❜

❛  nope, there is no right way to say this.  ❜

❛  if you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father you are an insane person. ❜

❛  listen to me. we’re going to win. this is going to be fantastic.  ❜

❛  is it me  ?  ❜

❛  i’m not mad at you about the marker. i’m not mad about the marker.  ❜

❛  if i’m mad at anyone, it’s the dog.  ❜

feel free to change words and pronouns as needed.

“You’re just not nimble enough, but you’ll get there someday.”

“You want information? Then I need something in return.”

“Aw man, my Mom’s gonna murder me!”

“Oh yeah, nice try. You just want me out of here so you can make your move.”

“Is this all real? Or is it like the doctors say, all in your head?”

“I don’t know. Just… just please don’t tell the others, okay? They won’t understand.”

“Hey, if we’re both going crazy, we’ll go crazy together, right?”

“Jesus, you really can’t handle your alcohol.”

“I remember dancing, and spilling some punch. You got mad at me because I was drunk and then you took me home.”

“I was drunk, [name]! I don’t remember any of that!”

“I think that you’re bullshit.”

“I’m… I’m sorry if I overstepped anything.”

“That’s what I love about you; you punch back.”

“It’s the ones like us that don’t punch back, that people really take advantage of, you know?”

“So, you have to talk to me! Please. No more secrets, okay?”

“Listen, look, look at me. I will never, ever let anything bad happen to you ever again.”

“You put us in danger. You realize that, right?”

“You have got to understand that there are consequences to your actions.”

“Well, not everyone can have your perfect hair, alright?!”

“She’s only gonna break your heart, and you’re way too young for that shit.”

“We will always be monsters to them, do you understand?”

‘ don’t be a stranger. ’

‘ i don’t think i can. ’ 

‘ don’t say that. ’

‘ you don’t have to go. ’

‘ don’t be what they made you. ’

‘ you don’t have to be anyone’s hero. ’

‘ why don’t you stay right here? ’ 

‘ don’t you trust me? ’

‘ you don’t have to be on your own. ’

‘ i don’t like to think about it. ’

‘ you don’t get to make that call. ’

‘ don’t act like you care. ’

‘ we don’t think alike. ’

‘ you don’t need to worry about that. ’

‘ i don’t know why. ’ 

‘ you don’t mean that. ’

‘ you don’t have to tell me. ’

‘ i don’t trust many people. ’

‘ i don’t have a family anymore. ’

‘ you don’t care what they think. ’

“I just actually flew and nearly landed on that slide.” “I’m fine just mostly injured.”  “In hindsight the lack of adult supervision is to blame for it.”  “I’ve nearly broken many a bone in my life,but have yet to commit.”   “Did you know broken toes aren’t emergency room,doctor worthy.”  “So the genius in me fell off the swing onto the giant ice patch.” “Fell in a puddle,yes it’s winter don’t ask how I managed it.”  “Snow absorbs blood,I had a nosebleed now it looks like a crime scene.”  “A scooter hung from a tree makes a perfect swing.”  “How I got hurt let’s see I smacked the wall by accident.”  “I was already too high gravity’s fault.”  “Don’t say it,I hurt my ankle lesson learned.”  “You ditched me on the tire swing so just let me lay here in pain.”  “Stand up on a swing then let gravity do it’s work.”  “No clue why thought it was a good idea,but oh well.” 

“Whatever adult decided to buy sleds for 5th graders is likely now dead.” “Expensive sleds,big hill and all the agony to be had.”  “Stepped on a lego it didn’t hurt am I that dead inside.”  “Yes I’m dead inside we all know this.” “Well when I first sold my soul it was worth something.” “Now it’s shriveled up and dead,worth like a penny.”   “I shouldn’t be trusted to hold babies,when I drop things.”  “Whoever thought me holding an baby high off the ground was wise,why.”  “Yes look up to me,perfect role model material maybe once a year.” 

When a cleric takes up an adventuring life, it is usually because his or her god demands it. Pursuing the goals of the gods often involves braving dangers beyond the walls of civilization, smiting evil or seeking holy relics in ancient tombs. Many clerics are also expected to protect their deities’ worshipers, which can mean fighting rampaging orcs, negotiating peace between warring nations, or sealing a portal that would allow a demon prince to enter the world.