bandaid please?

If you are a socially anxious person, you have to socialize. Your panic/anxiety attacks will only get worse and trigger more frequently if you constantly avoid contact with The Public. Not saying that you need to be a social butterfly- but there is a genuine problem with not being able to order your own meal at a restaurant. And it cannot be solved by always having someone else do it for you.

Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.

What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.

Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.

What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.

Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.

What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.

Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.

It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

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i want things to change

i want a different life

today was a shitty day/week

i don’t want to live like this

i want to be somewhere else in life

i’m not where i want to be yet

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

The other day I was feeling miserable, so I hopped on a bus and rode it all the way back to where I’d started, and my brain, which had finally had some proper stimulation via new environments, was suddenly ready to go again!

There aren't many barriers to meditation. But trauma might be.

Every time I tried to meditate or be present, I noticed myself getting triggered, anxious, and avoidant. I discovered this issue has a name: RIA, or relaxation-induced anxiety. It's also a commonly cited "adverse event" in psychological studies examining meditation.

It's not just limited to meditation. Anxiety, flashbacks, disassociation, and intrusive thoughts can crop up during other moments of internal awareness or relaxation.

It can also be triggered by things like:

Grounding techniques (naming what you see, hear, feel, etc)

Burnout, i.e. doing nothing for a day because you have no spoons

Quiet moments, such as showering, doing mundane activities, or anytime you're not listening to music/podcasts

Examining your own mood, desires, feelings, and behaviors

Breathing exercises like box breathing

There are a lot of reasons why we might develop these triggers, but it tends to be associated mostly with trauma, as well as conditions like CPTSD, PTSD, and all the anxiety disorders.

When we think back to traumatic events in our life, there were probably times when relaxing or even being aware of our internal needs was actively dangerous.

Here are some reasons why this might develop for people:

Childhood abuse, especially if caregivers were highly critical of relaxation and accused you of laziness a lot

Surveillance-related trauma, where you were always being watched, picked apart, over-analyzed, or had a lack of privacy (often feeling like you're 'on a stage')

Disassociative or emotional numbing coping strategies, often developed because having needs was dangerous at one time

Work-related anxiety/productivity anxiety

Literally just being marginalized, especially if you're a woman, poor, a person of color, and/or disabled, where society thinks your identity makes you inherently lazy

How to Deal

You probably shouldn't give up entirely on practices like meditation and grounding, but you should find a way to work toward whatever mindfulness goal you have sustainably.

Keep in mind there are a million different ways of practicing self awareness, so even if the most popular techniques don't work, there are still so many things to try.

Somatic techniques involve your physical body to release tension and anxiety. One of the reasons why yoga is so effective for mental health is because in addition to meditation, your mind and body actually has something to do.

Here are examples of somatic techniques that can be used in conjunction with mindfulness or practicing being present:

Dancing wildly

Singing loudly

Yoga and stretching

Using stim toys

Bouncing on a ball or spinning in a chair

Burning incense or smelling your favorite perfumes

Using a back scratcher or head scratcher

The goal isn't to master meditation or do meditation at all really, its to get in a flow state, even if the activity is intense and involved. Exercise in all forms is great for this too provided its not triggering. Being engrossed in a single physical activity or sensation without disassociating is a form of meditation.

If somatic techniques aren't working for you, you can try a whole host of meditation techniques that you NEVER hear from white western sources.

Just to name a few:

Alternate Nostril Breathing

Bellow's Breath

Triphasic Breathing

OM Chanting

Fixed Point Gazing

Guided Meditations

Bee's Breath

And my last bit of advice is just simply exposure. Rather than trying to head-first into meditation, just be around it. Like this:

Light a candle and sit by it for 3 minutes

Take out your earbuds for as long as you can handle

Ask yourself one question a day, like "How do I feel right now?"

Put Post-It notes around your house in random spots that say "deep breath checkpoint!" where every time you see it, you take a deep breath

Good Luck!

I've found some examples just looking through the archive if that helps. The line between "dress" and "really long t-shirt" is thin with menhera, so I tried to avoid too many t-shirt dresses but also excluded lolita dresses to keep it more accessible. If there's a more specific type of accessibility you're looking for let me know!

you also might have luck looking into girly menhera, which will primarily be dresses and skirt/top sets.