Joel Miller x Anna Williams
Chapter 7: Older But Just Never Wiser
Summary: After three years of supporting Anna in slowly untangling her life from Steven as a friend, Joel is ecstatic that she’s moving with Ellie to Austin to start med school. Though when there’s finally no obstacle keeping them apart, he realizes there’s a lot more beneath the surface that he and Anna still have to work through.
Warnings: mentions of addiction/substance abuse, angst, guilt re: cheating, discussing struggles with having an addict in the family
Author’s Note: Happy Miller Monday! Look at me updating this fic two weeks in a row :D hope you all enjoy - kinda a sad one but now that I got these two in the same zip code sparks can fly again!
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Joel strides through his house on a mission, desperate to make sure everything today goes perfect. Today's a day he’s been waiting on for three years.
Anna and Ellie are moving to Austin.
A lot of their stuff has already made its way to the new house in Texas, but the two of them flew in this morning and invited everyone to see the new house. Joel knows how heavy the last few years have been for Anna. Breaking off her engagement, convincing Steven to go to rehab, and then reapplying to med school…her plate’s been full and the last thing Joel wants is to make her feel like he’s one more thing she’s gotta manage.
But he’d be lying if he said he isn’t eager to see her again. Which is why he’s going crazy right now trying to find Anna’s house warming gift, checking every cluttered surface of his home by sifting through piles of coloring books and tween magazines that had apparently taken over the place.
Joel hopes this isn’t a sign the gift is too much. Since that last time he'd seen Anna in person, he happily did exactly what she asked of him and stood by her as a friend while she rebuilt her new life. They never spoke of that kiss on her birthday at first (the one that happened with no one watching). Their late night conversations over the phone were strictly platonic.
Then something shifted the day she told him she got into med school at UT Austin. She and Steven had been broken up for over two years and, for the first time since they met in that bar five years ago, there’d be no distance keeping them apart. Anna got a little flirtier on the phone, Joel got a little more bold with his compliments, and they danced around their feelings with the promise of finally getting to explore something real.
Though this welcome change in their communication came to a screeching halt about a month ago. Joel chalked it up to the stress of the move, but then he began to wonder if he took advantage and pushed their relationship into romantic territory too quickly. Thus began his spiral that’s made him a nervous wreck for weeks.
“Sarah!” Joel stands at the bottom of the stairs with his hands on his hips. “Have you seen Anna and Ellie’s gift?”
“Yeah!” Sarah calls from her room, then sticks her head out. She holds up the hand carved frame he made, now coated in glitter glue. “I had a few finishing touches to make.”
Joel smiles. “Well how’s it lookin’? We gotta put the picture in and then head over.”
Sarah turns the frame towards her and assesses her work. “I think it’s ready!”
“Then get on down here.” He nods to the kitchen and walks over to the counter where he set up all the possible photo options. They’re all from Christmas in 2005 since that was the last time the four of them were together, but luckily Marlene’s parents went a little crazy taking pictures that week.
“Do you know which picture you want to–” Sarah stops when she sees the counter. “Whoa.”
“What?” Joel looks between his daughter and the photos.
Sarah looks at the frame she’s looking at then him, her eyebrow raised. It freaks him out how grown up she looks right then, despite only being eight. “Dad, you know you can only put one photo in here right?”
He frowns. “I told you I was going to print out a couple of options.”
“A couple means two.” She smirks. “You’ve got like ten on the counter.”
Joel opens his mouth then closes it. “Just help me pick one.”
“Fine.” She sets the frame down and climbs up one of the kitchen stools, propping her chin in her little hand and assessing the pictures like an art critic. “There’s too many! Pick a few favorites.”
“Alright, alright.” Joel sighs and tries to narrow it down a little more.
He settles on his top three. One is of just Sarah and Ellie when they met for the first time, with Anna and Joel’s bodies slightly visible on either side of them. The next one is from Christmas morning. Joel took it himself after Sarah opened her gift from Anna and squealed when she saw her new Furby. He told Sarah to stand next to Anna, who had Baby Ellie in her arms, in front of the tree. Sarah’s squeezing Anna’s neck, their cheeks smooshed against each other’s with matching big smiles. Ellie’s squirming in Anna’s lap, not fully aware of the tender moment being captured but squealing in delight nonetheless.
The third picture is probably his favorite, but looking at it now…he doesn’t think he can put it in the frame. It’s one Marlene took of the four of them at breakfast that morning. Anna and Joel are sitting next to each other at the table with both their girls in their laps. Sarah has a mouthful of pancakes with her fork up in the air and Ellie’s chubby hand reaching for it. Anna’s looking down at them, laughing, and Joel’s looking at her.
He regrets picking it out of the bunch because of course it’s the one Sarah points to. “That one!”
It is a cute photo, one where they look like a family. That’s the problem. Joel worries this picture will only add to the pressure that made Anna pull away a few weeks ago. He needs to keep things neutral until she feels ready to take the next step.
So he picks up the one he took of the three of them in front of the tree. “I think we gotta go with this one.”
“I took it. That makes it special.”
Sarah is unconvinced but shrugs. “Whatever. Put it in!”
Joel does as he’s told and carefully removes the back of the frame so he can slide the picture in. Once he’s done, he flips the frame back over so he and Sarah can study the finished product together.
She runs her fingers along the carvings he did. “Why did you carve moths into this?”
“They’re special to Anna.”
“Really?” Sarah wrinkles her nose. “Moths are gross.”
Joel chuckles and lifts her off the stool. “I’ll explain it another time. Go get your shoes on.”
When Sarah and Joel arrive at Anna’s house, Marlene opens the door to greet them. “Hey guys!” She bends down to hug Sarah and looks up at Joel. “Come on in. Ellie spilled juice all over her so Anna had to go change her.”
“I want juice!” Sarah runs inside. “Uncle Tommy!”
Joel follows Marlene into the kitchen where his brother is pouring Sarah a glass of apple juice. He holds the gift box with the frame awkwardly, not knowing where to put it without Anna here to open it.
“Hey, trouble.” Tommy grins at Sarah and sets the glass in front of her. He looks up at Joel and eyes the box. “Look at you, bringing a housewarming gift.”
Before Joel can respond, tiny feet run down the stairs. A little girl with a ponytail and a Nasa t-shirt jumps into view in the kitchen doorway, kicking her feet out and throwing her hands over her head.
“I’m back!” Ellie gives them all a big toothy grin and notices Joel standing with Sarah. “Who are you guys?”
Marlene picks her up. “Ellie, this is Joel and Sarah. Tommy’s brother and niece.”
“You met them when you were a baby,” Tommy offers.
Ellie’s brow furrows, making her look even more like a mini Anna. “How am I supposed to remember that?”
“Oh no,” Anna appears next to Marlene and pokes Ellie in the ribs. “Don’t tell me your long term memory is already fading.”
She tickles her daughter more, making Ellie squeal. “No one remembers stuff from when they’re a baby!”
Ellie squirms in Marlene’s arms and kicks her way back down to the ground, toddling her way off and away from the nonsensical grown up talk.
“Hi, Anna!” Sarah waves from where she stands by the counter.
“Excuse me, who is this?” Anna crouches down, a look of faux surprise on her face. “You can’t be Sarah. You’re all grown up.”
“It’s me I swear!” Sarah giggles and runs over to give Anna a hug. Joel tries not to get too emotional at the sight of the woman he’s falling for embracing his daughter and kissing the side of her head. Sarah pulls away and runs back to the counter, pointing at the gift box. “We brought you a present!”
“Wow!” Anna straightens up and looks at Joel for the first time since coming downstairs. She gives him a tight smile that makes the knot in his chest tighten, but not in a good way. “Hi, Joel.”
Her tone lacks the warmth it had when she spoke to the girls. It’s the tone one might give a co-worker or an acquaintance. Definitely not someone you might be interested in dating.
“Hey, Anna.” He pushes the box towards the edge of the counter. “It’s just a little somethin’ for the house.”
“That was sweet of you two,” she says, more so to Sarah than him.
Ellie stomps back into the room. “Did someone say present?”
Anna snorts and waves her over. “Come open it with me, honey.”
She picks up Ellie and places her on her hip before lifting the lid off of the box. Joel holds his breath while he waits for Anna’s reaction. She stares at the frame with an unreadable expression.
Ellie breaks the silence first. “Mommy! It’s you!” She puts her pointer figure on the glass where Anna’s face is.
“That’s right.” Anna’s voice cracks a little bit. “And that’s Sarah. And do you know who that is?” Anna points to the squirming baby in the photo. Ellie shakes her head. “That’s you as a baby.”
Ellie stares at the photo. “I was cute!”
Marlene stands next to them and lightly tugs on Ellie’s ponytail. “Yeah. What happened, kid?”
“Aw, come on!” Ellie groans.
Sarah giggles. “I think you’re still cute, Ellie!”
Ellie beams. “Thank you!”
Tommy joins the group and peers over Anna’s shoulder. “Aw, it’s the photo Joel took of you guys."
Anna bites her lip and holds the frame. “Did you make this, Sarah?”
“I just painted the glitter on. My dad carved the moths into it.” She gives Joel a disbelieving look. “He said they’re special to you?”
Anna sits the frame up and looks up at Joel. “You carved this yourself?”
Joel scratches the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. Just something I got into last year.”
She finally gives him a real smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Thank you.”
He nods and shuffles awkwardly in the kitchen. Ellie lets out a loud sigh. “I’m bored!”
Anna sets her down and scooches her forward. “Why don’t you go show Sarah and Joel your toys?”
“Okay!” Ellie grabs both of their hands and yanks them forward with impressive force for a toddler. Joel sneaks a glance back at Anna over his shoulder and sees her still staring at the photo frame.
A few days later, Joel tries not to think about how badly he screwed things up with Anna while he busies himself with chores that don’t really need to be done. But Sarah is at a friend’s house and the silence of the house is making him stir crazy. He’s knee deep in reorganizing the utensil drawer when his phone vibrates in his pocket.
He flips it open without checking the caller ID. “Hello?”
“Hi, Joel.” Anna’s voice comes through the speaker, making his stomach flip. “How are you?”
“Anna.” He closes the drawer and leans against the counter. “I’m good. You guys settling in okay?”
“Uh huh…” She sighs. “I, um…I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.”
“You don’t need to apologize. You’ve had a lot going on.”
“Yeah, but…” She clears her throat. “Would you maybe want to come over to talk? I’m not interrupting anything am I?”
Fuck no. “Sure, I could stop by.”
“Okay, great. See you soon.”
Joel resists the urge to race over to her house and works through a draft of an apology in his head, thinking of how he can convince Anna that being in his life is not conditional on them being romantically involved. Despite the fact that every time they’ve interacted in person has had some sort of sexual undertone.
Shit. He’s absolutely fucked.
Twenty minutes later, Joel walks up the steps to Anna’s front door and finds himself holding his breath again. She opens the door wearing jean shorts and an old BU shirt, her wavy hair thrown up in a ponytail that reminds him of Ellie. Or rather, Ellie reminds him of Anna.
Anna smiles at him, a few degrees warmer than their awkward goodbye last time, but something is still off. Joel wonders if a hug would be appropriate, then decides against it.
“Thanks for coming.” Anna steps aside to let him in. “What’s Sarah up to today?”
“At a friend’s house.” Joel stops himself from going directly into the kitchen, not wanting to seem overly familiar already. “Is Ellie home?”
“Marlene took her to the park for me.” Anna walks past the kitchen and into the living room. She begins scooping toys off the carpet and throwing them in a basket. “I had some stuff I needed to get done for school.”
Joel notices how much unpacking Anna’s already gotten done, the dozens of boxes he’d seen last time all around the living room now reduced to two. “You’ve been busy.”
“I can’t relax in a new place until I’m unpacked,” she explains as she sets Ellie’s toy basket down next to the TV stand. “Hence why I got all jittery and felt the need to talk to you.”
“I’m glad you called. I actually wanted to talk to you too…” Joel takes a step towards Anna and something glittery on the mantel catches his eye. He looks over her shoulder and sees that she placed the photo he and Sarah gave her amongst all the other family photos. “Oh, you put the frame up.”
Anna follows his line of sight. “Of course. I love that photo. And the frame…” She looks back at him. “It meant a lot to me.”
Joel clears his throat. “I hope it wasn’t too much. The moths and everything.”
“It wasn’t.” She frowns. “It was really sweet.”
“You sure?” He searches her face, trying to read her like he feels he normally can. Now, she feels a million miles away. “You know you can always tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”
Anna sits on the couch. “What do you mean?”
“I just–I don’t want you to think I have any…” He shifts his weight on his feet. “I don’t know…expectations? About us.”
“Joel.” Anna lets out a humorless laugh. “Not once in the history of knowing you have I ever felt burdened by expectations. What’s going on with you?”
“So, the distance lately…” He grimaces. “That wasn’t because of me?”
“Oh my god, no! I’m so sorry. That’s not–” Anna rubs her forehead. “Can you sit down with me? Please.”
Joel hesitates but sits down on the other end of the couch. “I was worried all the talkin’ about maybe dating…that it started freaking you out when it got closer to moving here.”
Anna scooches closer to him. “That’s not what happened. I feel awful that I pushed you away and let you think that.”
He leans forward on his knees and smiles. “Maybe I jumped to conclusions too quickly.”
She props her arm on the back of the couch and bites her nail. “We convinced Steven to check into rehab two months ago.”
“Shit.” Joel rubs his jaw. “That’s…are you okay?”
“I don’t know how to feel about it.” She exhales. “It wasn’t the smoothest transition.”
“We don’t have to talk about it.”
“Thanks.” She gives him a sad smile and looks down at her lap. “I want to tell you about it, it’s still just fresh.”
Joel turns in his seat to face Anna. “Hey.” He reaches out and gently grazes her arm with his fingers. “I know this is a lot. But look at everything you accomplished in the last few years. You built a new life for you and Ellie. You got into med school. You’re incredible, Anna.”
She blushes and drops her arm on top of his. “I appreciate that. I don’t want to just be this single mom that’s doing everything all by herself.”
Joel tilts his head. “What do you want?”
Anna licks her lips. “I want you.”
“Then have me,” Joel replies without hesitation. “I’m all yours.”
His heart beats out of his chest as Anna inches closer to him until she’s pressed up against his chest, her soft hands wrapping around his neck. She pauses inches from his face and her blue eyes dip to his mouth then back up. Joel slowly reaches around to hold her in his arms.
Ultimately Anna is the one to close the distance and brush her lips against his. The kiss is different from their last one. It’s not rushed or desperate, but more so curious and soft with the way their mouths move together.
Joel pulls away and reaches up to push a few loose strands of hair out of her face. “Can I take you out next weekend?”
Anna nods. “I’d like that.”
Joel’s communication with Anna over the next week is limited, but he refuses to let himself believe it’s any indication he’s the problem this time. He already feels like an idiot for being so self-involved when she moved here. She’s dealing with way more than any young woman should, he just needs to be there for her.
On Friday night, Anna arrives at Joel’s house shortly after Marlene and Tommy pick up Sarah, Ellie already in tow with them as well. They hadn’t made any plans yet, at the request of Anna to play it by ear, so Joel’s a little nervous that he didn’t dress appropriately for whatever she’s in the mood for.
He’s relieved to see her in a t-shirt and jeans combo similar to his, though less excited to see her thousand yard stare has returned. Joel’s immediately worried something happened with Steven or the move, but decides to let Anna share whatever it is when she’s ready.
“Hey, you.” He wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her close to kiss her forehead. “How was your week?”
“It was okay.” Anna stands on her toes and pecks his cheek without really looking at him then steps inside.
Joel waits a moment to see if she’ll continue, but decides that’s all he’s getting for an answer. “Well, what are you thinking for dinner? I’ll take you anywhere, it’s your pick.”
Anna sits on the couch and crosses her arms. “Actually…could we just stay in tonight?” She offers him a half smile. “I’m just really tired from the move and everything.”
“Of course. Told ya, it’s your pick.” Joel joins her on the couch and rests his hand on her knee. “Pizza sound good?”
“Sure.” Anna leans back against the cushions. “I’m not picky, order whatever.”
“But no pineapple, right?” He smiles.
“Huh?” Anna looks at him, her eyes narrowed.
“We, uh, joked once how nasty that is.” Joel feels his neck heat.
“Oh right.” She forces a laugh. “Yeah, no pineapple.”
A couple of hours later, they’ve eaten and are now watching the newest Curtis and Viper movie. Joel had no idea what else to put on and Anna hadn’t offered any suggestions. They mostly sat in silence and eventually Anna lay down on the other end of the couch. Being tired clearly hadn’t been a total lie, because about an hour into the movie Joel hears her steady breathing and looks over to find her eyes are closed.
By the time the credits roll, she’s still asleep, so Joel puts on some sitcom reruns playing on cable. It’s not exactly the date he had in mind, but he’s happy to let Anna catch up on sleep. In fact, he feels grateful that she feels comfortable enough to do it on his couch.
While he’s texting Tommy to check in on the girls, Anna stirs and sits up abruptly. “Joel?”
“Hey, I’m right here.” Joel snaps his phone shut and reaches out to place a hand on her leg. “It’s okay. You just fell asleep.”
Anna looks around and swings her legs back over the couch so her feet are on the floor. She runs a hand through her hair and stares off into space.
Joel’s not entirely sure what to do. Normally, he’d offer his bed to sleep in and take the couch, but he can’t get a read on what Anna’s okay with.
“Um, are you okay?” He rubs his hands on his jeans. “We can call it a night or watch another movie–”
“Joel.” Anna rubs her eyes. “Please stop.”
He blinks at her. “What’d I do?”
“Nothing.” She turns her head to him. “That’s the problem. You’re being sweet and I don’t deserve it.”
Joel sits there, stunned as Anna just shuts down and buries her face in her hands. “Anna, can you help me out here and tell me what’s wrong?”
She sits up and sniffles. “I don’t deserve this. Being happy with you.” She slides her eyes to them. “I’m the one that cheated.”
The mention of their kiss makes Joel’s skin crawl, especially the way she makes it sound so disgusting. “I’m not sayin’ what we did was right, but it was just one kiss.”
“It wasn’t though.” Tears roll down her cheeks. “I thought about you all the time, Joel. Even when I was with Steven. When I found out I was pregnant, I actually felt disappointed there was no way it was yours.” She scoffs and shakes her head. “Sure, Steven fucked up. But that relationship was doomed from the start and it’s my fault.”
Joel tries to process everything she’s just said. On one hand, hearing her say that she thought about him just as much as he thought about her made him ecstatic. But she seems less than pleased about it.
“Again, we didn’t go about it the right way, but it’s not like we were staying apart from each other just because. We lived in different states. You were still in school.” He dares to scooch closer to her, relieved she doesn’t flinch away. “You got pregnant in the midst of trying to move forward and wanted to make it work. Steven made his choices too.”
“Because of me!” Anna cries. “He’s drying out in some sterile facility right now because I never took him seriously. He chose to do drugs because he knew I wanted you deep down.”
Joel frowns. None of this sounds anything like Anna’s perspective, based on the conversations they’d had over the last few years. He then remembers that Anna started pulling away around the same time Steven would’ve been going through withdrawals.
Anna wipes her nose. “What does it matter? It’s true.”
“No, Anna it’s not.” He sighs. “This is what addicts do. They’re sick and in pain, so when you take away the one thing that gives them relief, they say horrible things because they don’t want to feel alone in their misery.”
“I forgot you’re such an expert.” She rolls her eyes.
Joel shakes his head. “Don’t let him do this. You’ve carried the burden of his problem for long enough. Don’t carry this into the new chapter of your life.”
“It’s my problem too. That man is Ellie’s dad.” Anna’s face crumples. “Thanks to my poor choices, she’s got a fucked up and broken family.”
It occurs to Joel then how young Anna still is. He forgets because she carries herself so well and is one of the smartest people he’s ever met. Not to mention she’s a much better mom than she’s giving herself credit for.
But she’s still twenty five. Too young to be dealing with all this, just like the whip-smart twenty year old he slept with was too young to be getting involved with him. He knew this then and still gave into his desires all because he was lonely after Carly.
“This isn’t your fault,” Joel says. “It’s mine.”
Anna’s eyes snap to his. “What?”
“We shouldn’t have…done what we did all those years ago.” Joel pinches the bridge of his nose. “And I just keep butting into your life when I got no business doing so, confusing you more. You don’t need that.”
“Joel…” Anna’s lower lip trembles.
“I don’t want to keep messing up your life.” Joel’s eyes sting. “You have such a bright future ahead. You should be able to live your life without me getting in the way.”
Anna opens her mouth then closes it again. “Fine. If that’s how you see it.” She looks around and gathers her phone. “I’m gonna go home. I’ll see you around.”
Joel nods, but he knows he won’t be seeing her around. He’s done messing up Anna’s life and finally gets it now that she needs to flourish on her own.
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