Nesta please choke me

Summary: Nesta Archeron has earned herself banishment from Velaris and a one-way ticket to Illyria, courtesy of her little sister. Tired of having her agency stripped away, Nesta decides the time has come to strike out on her own and runs from the Night Court without a backwards glance.

Cassian has bided his time with Nesta on his High Lady’s behalf. When he realizes that Nesta had set off without him, Cassian decides to take matters into his own hands. He is going to bring Nesta home. He’ll just have to find her first.

For readers 18+

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | 

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Cassian

His very own personal fucking hellhole

The Autumn Court

Cassian woke up wanting to die.

It felt like someone had taken an axe to his head; the sharp, pulsing pain was so acute that it sent him collapsing back into bed the moment he tried to rise.  Nausea quickly accompanied the ache, rolling through his body the second his head hit the mattress.  It took every scrap of self-control to not vomit all over himself, and he wasn’t entirely sure he’d conquer that particular battle yet.  The acidic contents of his stomach still sloshed around, threatening to spew out of him like a bolt from the blue.   

He rolled onto his side, dragging the pillow over his head in a pathetic attempt to block out the sunlight.  His mouth was dry.  His too-thick tongue was sticking to the roof of his mouth.   Water.  A sip of water should help.  

Cassian blindly reached out towards the side table, grasping around in search of a glass of water, anything to rinse out his cottonmouth.  His hand landed onto an empty bottle of whiskey - the very same bottle that started it all - and a wave of nausea came crashing back.  He moaned pathetically, the sound muffled by the pillow and barely audible over the throbbing in his head.     

I really need to get it together, he thought feebly. 

Then made absolutely no effort to move.

Nesta’s thoughts about Azriel from a few chapters earlier:

Emerie halfway through ACOSF:

This one is based off of @inejjg‘s GORGEOUS headcanon about gwyn and az stargazing in the training ring. I mixed the order around a bit but it’s generally the same? Also it’s long. I’m sorry

I haven't seen him react like this around anyone else in the entire acotar series. Something about it just warms my heart. He's always been my favorite out of all the bat boys. He is such a sad soul deep down, I hope Sarah does his story justice regardless of who he ends up with.

This is from Chapter 55 (before Solstice), its apparent to me that Azriel and Gwyn do spend time together alone for practice.

In Rhys's and Cassian's POVS, I don't see them bring out this much of Azriel while Gwyn does it effortlessly.

What I find appealing about him being with Gwyn is that he deserves to be with someone that he feels at ease with. Gwyn notices habits about him like "liking to be alone". Her interactions with him brings out his personality more. His shadows react to her and she acknowledges them that she even smiles.

Gwyn sees Azriel and sees his shadows and I think that's a very important factor. In his chapter during Gwyn's scene, it's the first time they gain their own spotlight in a scene. Not only mentioned, they functioned as a secondary character in that scene.

Azriel has a pattern of getting attached to unattainable females: Mor who did not reciprocate his feelings for 500 years. Elain who was heartbroken over her former fiancé and is someone else's mate 'even if she refused, the bond she will forever be linked to her mate, she will feel anguish if Lucien died because of the bond.'

It's just I truly believe he deserves his own person. Someone that chose him first despite being a bastard and despite his scarred hands. Although I am annoyed by the whole 'you get a mate, I get a mate' thingy going on in the series but Azriel deserves one. He waited centuries for a mating bond to snap between him and Mor and it never did.

The concept of a Mate and the Mating Bond is important to Azriel. His feelings may have led him to create a fantasy in his head about the Archeron sisters fated to be the mate of each, but Cauldron found him unworthy for Elain so he is defying it sort of. That fantasy may have resulted in the feelings and his attachment to Elain. That does not invalidate his feelings for her, it's obvious he is attracted to her, but it's not unheard of that someone convince themselves the next person is meant for them and push themselves to move on from their last heartbreak which is often the wrong road to healing. Azriel is almost at his breaking point.

"... Az said, his shadows lingering in the archway, as if fearful of the bright sunlight in the ring. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?".

I have seen enough posts celebrating that Azriels shadows disappearing around Elain is a good thing. But, it isnt just in front Elain, its sunlight in general. His shadows disappear in the presence of light, and Elain needs sunlight to thrive. She has said this over and over throughout the series. Im not going to bother arguing that point because it would be a complete erasure of her character.

I don't think that both shadows and sunlight can survive together, hence the qoute. And thats not a bad thing. Maybe elriel isnt meant to be apart from sexual attraction.

Continue to ship elriel, I wont condemn you but Azriel shadows shouldnt have to erased. They're his identity, hes a shadowsinger. Its apart of him, whether you like it or not. As is his dark past, his abusive childhood, and overall dark demeanor.

Where they disappear in Elain's presence, they come alive around Gwyn. And I find that to be absoulutely beautiful. In a life filled with torture and hatred, Gwyn makes him feel at peace. Azriel isnt as inclined to hide his facial expressions and emotions because there is no set expectations in between them. To explain this further, Gwyn knows what Azriel is. She knows what those hands have done to an extent of course. Elain doesnt, and Azriel acknowledges that in his pov.

HIS SHADOWS DO NOT LIKE THE LIGHT.

THEY DONT LIKE SUNLIGHT.

THEY TEND TO DISSAPEAR WHEN IS BRIGHT DAY.

Az said, his shadows lingering in the archway, as if fearful of the bright sunlight in the ring.

A shadow curled around Azriel’s neck, the only one brave enough to face the sunlight.

Because his shadows were born in the dark, in that dark cell when he was a kid.

Born in a lightless, airless prison meant to break him. Instead, he had learned its language.

In the centuries I’d known him, he’d said little about his life, those years in his father’s keep, locked in darkness. Perhaps the shadowsinger gift had come to him then, perhaps he’d taught himself the language of shadow and wind and stone.

But what was it one thing that he desperately needed when he was in that cell? More than his mother? More than a friend?

LIGHT

And who is always described as the sun? As the day? Who’s always described as full of light?

ELAIN

Why do his shadows disappear when he’s with Elain?

Because she’s the light he needs the most.

Because his shadows are not needed.

He doesn’t need to hide from her.

He doesn’t need his shadows to help him get through her company. To protect himself.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing on that face, on his scent. The shadows, whatever the hell they were, hid too well.

The shadows gathered around his shoulders, like they were indeed whispering to him, shielding him, perhaps.

And don’t get it twisted... his shadows might take some time off when he’s in her company but they are always ready to throw hands to protect Elain.

They’re always ready to strike, ready to help him protect her.

Nesta saw the blow land, like a physical impact, in Elain’s face, her posture. No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like snakes preparing to strike.

And this scene here makes me think she used Azriel’s shadows. There’s no more explanation.

Elain stepped out of a shadow behind him, and rammed Truth-Teller to the hilt through the back of the king’s neck as she snarled in his ear, “Don’t you touch my sister.”

Why Elain’s actions are always compared to Azriel or his shadows? Unless...... unless she might have her own and this is all foreshadowing.

“Don’t,” Elain said flatly, starting once more into a walk, veils of steam drifting past her shoulders from the roasted rosemary potatoes in her hands, as if they were Azriel’s shadows. “She won’t listen.”

And why Azriel’s shadows always try to hide his emotions when Elain’s is brought up?

“You and Nesta are wanted down there.” “Because of the shit with Elain?”

Azriel stilled. “What happened to Elain?”

Cassian waved a hand. “A fight with Nesta. Don’t bring it up,” he warned when Azriel’s eyes darkened.

Cassian blew out a breath. “I take that as a no regarding the meeting topic, then.”

“It’s about what I discovered. Rhys said he requires you both there.”

“It’s bad, then.” Cassian surveyed the shadows gathered around Az.

“You all right?” His brother nodded. “Fine.” But shadows still swarmed him. Cassian knew it was a lie, but didn’t push it. Az would speak when he was ready, and Cassian would have better success convincing a mountain to move than getting Az to open up.

Not you all out there trying to convice yourself and others that these two are not endgame.

We still don’t know enough about Azriel’s shadows. for all we know, they don’t feel the need to be around Elain bc they don’t sense danger of the need to be alert and that’s why they leave, bc that’s what it seems like based on what you’ve laid out.

on the other hand, Sarah could go the route that Az’s shadows are always a part of him, always there, and that they feel as though they can simply exist when they’re around Gwyn. no need to strike, no need to be defensive, but coexist with Az and Gwyn in a state almost like serenity. I have quotes below to that show this. that maybe sometimes they do hide around Elain and it’s not a good thing bc his shadows are a part of him, and him being w Elain would almost be like him chasing a part of himself away. not necessarily saying I agree w that, just using it to say that Sarah can do damn near anything with Az and his shadows. at this point, she can make them out to mean anything, and we still don’t really know that much about them.

we also need to keep in mind that we have a lot about Azriel’s shadows vs. Elain bc we’ve had both characters over the course of a few books. Gwyn is a completely new character, newer even than Emerie, and this Az and Gwyn stuff is the newest of anything in the books, and yet we’ve already seen an honestly shocking amount regarding his shadows interacting w Gwyn just in the span of 3 pages alone. that can’t be ignored just bc Elain’s been around for much longer and has therefore had more opportunity to interact with Az’s shadows in the first place. it also can’t be ignored that his shadows interact w Gwyn in a way we’ve never seen them act before. it’s very peculiar. refusing to warn Az that Gwyn was there (he would’ve left if he had known, so maybe they WANTED him to speak to her, to see her. maybe they wanted to see her)

“He found it already occupied. His shadows had not warned him. It was too late to bank without appearing like he was running.”

and they interact in an almost childlike way with Gwyn...

“Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music.”

and before that,

“The young priestess smiled—and Azriel thought it might have been directed at his curious shadows.”

they’re curious, intrigued by her.

not only curious, but...

“Azriel dipped his head in a sketch of a bow, something restless settling in him. Even his shadows had calmed. As if content to lounge on his shoulders and watch.”

But—sleep. He needed to at least attempt to get some.

hell, he had to deny his own shadows the desire to stay awake, when on the very first page of the deleted scene, they were asking him to...

Sleep, they seemed to whisper in his ear. Sleep.

And as Azriel left,

“he could have sworn a faint, beautiful singing followed him. Could have sworn his shadows sang in answer.”

throughout this WHOLE interaction, which was literally just 3 pages long, his shadows seem figuratively light. they’re shadows, literally, but they’re not defensive like usual, ready for a fight. they’re curious. they like Gwyn. they want to get to know her more.

not only that, but Nesta’s friendship bracelet, made by Emerie, was navy blue, crimson, and silver. crimson, the color of Cassian’s Siphons. we always hear blue and silver associated with Nesta, crimson was a new one, and clearly tied to Cassian.

what did Nesta pick for Gwyn? blue, white, and teal. blue, the color of Azriel’s Siphons. and before you’re tempted to say that blue is for her eyes, nope! Gwyn’s eyes are described as teal multiple times in the book, including in Az’s chapter. maybe you’re thinking the blue is for her stone she has as a priestess? could be, but maybe not! at first the the stone is described as just a blue stone, but then it’s described in such a way that

“Gwyn’s eyes matched her stone almost perfectly”

which, again, her eyes are def very teal. so it could be her Invoking Stone, OR it’s Azriel’s Siphons.

that’s ignoring all the laughing, smiling, and warmth Azriel felt with Gwyn. we’ve seen a greater range of emotion from Azriel with Gwyn in the span of 4 pages (where he was only directly interacting with her in 3) so far than we have with Elain (although that could be bc they share them more in private and we haven’t seen much of them in private).

we aren’t sure what his shadows mean with regards to Elain vs. Gwyn, especially since some people theorize that Gwyn is a lightsinger (like how Az is a shadowsinger) and that it would be “bad” for Az bc his shadows hide from the light.

however, if (according to Elriel shippers) Gwyn being a lightsinger would be bad for Az’s shadows, then this theory that Elain is the light that Azriel needs wouldn’t make any sense.

Basically, there are some VERY conflicting theories in the fandom. some say the light is good, some say the light is bad (for Az and his shadows). some say the shadows disappearing are good or bad, and some say the shadows dancing and taking an interest to Gwyn are good or bad.

Sarah can do some fun shit theory-wise with Az’s shadows, and I think we need to remember that. We also need to remember that she showed Azriel in a very imperfect light (no pun intended) in his chapter in a couple of ways. She’s priming him for an incredible amount of character development, so things can change very drastically in the next book.

All I’m saying is that there is a huge difference between the way Azriel’s shadows react with Gwyn and Elain, and they seem to really, really like Gwyn. it’s not nearly as clearcut as it seems with Elriel, NOT when Az’s shadows are acting very peculiarly with Gwyn - and not in a bad way.