I Don’t Hate My Life. I Hate Myself...

Over and over I ask myself the same question. Why do I lead with my heart? Why do I continue to let my emotions get the best of me?

Over the past few years of my life I have learned a few things about myself.  1. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

2. I am always one to fight but not to be fought for.

3. When I let my guard down I am bound to be hurt.

Nights like tonight these things I have learned about myself become extremely relevant. My life is very much a closed book with a few people who have read it. When someone is able to open this book they have opened up a part of myself that very few people know about. In relationships this book is a very hard thing for me to open because time after time I am proven again that in the end it doesn’t work out.

I lead my actions with my heart. If my heart is in it the rest of me is as well. With that comes the fact that I fight. I will fight with every last part of me until the last string snaps. While I fight, I never get fought for. I am willing to give all of myself only to be pushed to the floor. In the end if i don’t fight for what my heart is telling me is right I will regret every single moment. 

In relationships I do not regret. I never regret letting my guard down and letting myself have feelings. These feelings are something so special to me in the moment that it doesn’t matter what the future is. I have learned from feelings that inside of me I have a heart so big to love someone so much and give them the world. Leading with my heart has hurt many times but has also provided me with so many moments that I could not trade for the world.