Spilled Ink

Opening my DM’s, it’s alway a very interesting time to say the least. It’s a mix and match of modern day pick up lines, when all I would like it to be is…..

“Hi, I think you are funny and by funny I mean just my type. For you, I would willingly fall as if it’s the first time I ever rode a bike. High on the adrenaline of the small joys of life, somehow yet, fully aware of the consequences that is ahead”…….

“Hi, I think you are beautiful… if i am ever so lucky that you might look at me, in your gaze I must have somehow frozen. And coming to think of it, the only solution that will aid this unfortunate situation, is your hand in mine because for you I must have definitely prayed. Im too scared to tell God that I finally found you because I have a sneaky feeling that you might be too far away from home. If you are here on earth, which angel did you leave up there alone”

“Hi, I think you are funny but also wonderfully kind and you are the person that always comes to mind when absolutely anything happens in my life.”

I know that is too much to say, so I’ll leave it at ‘hello’

My friend once told me that I tend to be pessimistic except for when I speak about love, love has always been inherently optimistic

She said “write down the nice things you have known, the nice things that someone did for you… the sweet messages on your phone. And then once you’re done, write about the nice things that will be, the things that haven’t happened, that you hope to one day see”

So I said…. “In five years time, ‘love’ won’t just be a word. It will be the knowledge of something that many just leave to be inferred. Sunset drives in movies, care packages well prepared, the last piece of my favorite cake with him is always happily shared.”

Two mugs on the table, sweet kisses and many giggles… when I wake up on my 27th birthday to his homemade strawberry and whipped cream cake… no more tying up loose ends… no more emotionally unavailable ‘we’d be better off just friends’…

Matching Pj’s, early morning walks to jumping in bed with a book. He learned to cook because I love to eat… my personal umbrella his jacket above my head. He keeps all his promises, specially the ones he never out loud said…

‘Just because flowers’, my audio book of hope because he recreated all the poetry that I wrote about him to cope. A flower in a vase that he takes when he says goodbye. You know…. I started loving flowers even more because his bouquet never died. No more walking in puddles… no more walking on eggshells cause everytime I look at him, I swear I hear the wedding bells ring…..

They say that soulmates are passed twice while some simply pass you by, others are forced to pay the price. I don’t know what that means but I pay extra attention when I’m walking…

It’s said that soulmates are passed twice. Realities where some never end up talking… Taylor swift wrote about an invisible string depicting this idea that, people are connected by this undeniable thing which I’m yet to come across….

This invisible force but just to make sure I pay extra attention as my life runs it’s course somethings are said to happen twice… like the chances I give, but when the 3rd excuse comes knocking there is a moment of weakness I say “okay” in…..

Soulmates are said to pass twice in airports and hallways but even if they don’t turn back it’s said that they feel it always…some more than others… some get confused, some fall in love wrong person, inevitable heartache that comes along… for some it takes longer to realize who they have met. Some sense this energy that they can’t comprehend quiet yet…..

But what if, the strings are tangled… what if, it snaps along the way… what if, someone took scissors and decided to have it their way… what if, it isn’t who you thought it was… what if, they are better… kinder… what if, the invisible string is just a centuries long love letter..

Somethings in life aren’t explainable but that never stopped us from trying..

I don’t have the energy for whatever game you’re playing

but I’d like to sit it out

Because it feels like you just want attention

Is that what this is about?

Do you enjoy the chase?

Because you have always had it your way

But is it just my attention

Feels like it’s somehow every person who passes by

If we were never really that serious

Why does it feel serious enough to cry?

I don’t know what game you are playing

But I feel like the referee is somehow holding back on me

The part that wanted you

While screaming at her to finally see!!

That this was just a game…

A cat and mouse chase

A pull on the strings of your heart

Two faces on a familiar field

A tale that I have read a thousand times

One player.. too many thoughts

And I’m sitting on the sidelines yet again

Benching myself for the rest of the “open season”

Can’t trust myself …

Because God knows I tried

I’m just seeing it all play out

Like a picture in a frame

And I no longer can tell if it’s belief

Or the fact that to you…

I’ve always been the girl who refuses to play by your rules

A game…. A prize to win

To drunkenly mention how many girls you brought back to your apartment

Just to get everybody’s attention except mine

Because I stood up

And promised myself that I wouldn’t be another girl in that long lost of competitors

Who would be fine

As long as I get to call you mine…

I never wanted to be another girl

And to me you weren’t just another guy

I finally got the message

About being taken for granted

Even though you told me that you have nothing to offer me anyways.

You laughed it off

Because to you I didn’t fall

I embarrassingly face planted

I had to learn to make it work

That I took it too seriously

Somehow I watched my emotions get played

Just know that it was my own damn fault anyways

I interpreted too much..

Challenged the uninterpretable too soon

You treat me like a sunset

Then the next day

I’m just an inconvenient late afternoon

Acting like I don’t exist

While online you’re a dedicated fan

I think you took “fictional” too seriously

When I described my kind of man

Because he only exist in pages

Where somehow once upon a time

They end up… just fine

I thought the two of us just might..

But that was a long time ago

Because too many times, I’ve rewritten the end

I don’t know what game you are playing

But you never treated me like a friend

Somehow it’s always been a damn game

A constant push and pull

And everytime I bow with grace

Wishing you the best

You stir some shit up when my heart deserves to rest

Because to you

I’m just the story of a girl

The day that I get married, my past self will come and say “you don’t know how long I’ve waited and wished for this day”…

“You do know” she whispers as she looks into my eyes and she ask for the truth behind the bittersweet goodbyes.

He is just outside the door… a past version only he knows… and she has no idea that he’s the reason every past love, always goes.

A tear slips from her eyes as she looks at me, softly letting go of a breath that she held on for almost what seemed a lifetime, the uncertainty that this day would ever come by…

I say “the love that he has given us is something unlike anything we ever known”… she nods understandingly, a whisper of a laugh escapes…. “We wouldn’t be standing here if it was any other way” she says

I wipe a tear from her cheek and say “the love that you are looking for is one that you aren’t meant to seek”… “you won’t find it by settling, you might not see it on the first date but the one thing that I do know is your love will never be late”

“But he will not be at your university graduation, he will not be a part of your first milestones in life. At first, you will think that your ‘deserving of love’ got lost in the mail. He will not be at your 21st birthday and some of your wishes might never come true but the one thing I do know is the reverence he will have for you… I will not tell you how it happens but it’s not in the way you’d want. The day you meet someone like him.. you’d look up at the skies and thank God for His divine will. He will not be your first boyfriend, he will not be your first kiss but the day that I get married, yourself you won’t miss”…

She nods understandingly as recognition dawns on her face. The day I get married, is a domino effect carefully set in place.

she could run to the door, and if she chooses to make it all change, I wouldn’t blame her if I had to watch it all rearrange …

“Wanting love isn’t weak” I say

The day that I get married my past self will come and say “you don’t know how long I waited for this day to finally see that the girl got her color back” …

I hold her tiny fingers “You do know” I whisper “How much he understands, the unspoken safety between them finally let the little girl in us free”

She nods as a tear rolls downs her cheek, and she finally says “ but today I must go for the several things I must finish before him I get to know” …

but I shake my head no… “you can always stay”

A small smile tugs on her lips, a smile that only I wouldn’t be able to miss, as her eyes glisten with mischief. “If I do, I’d spoil the beginning of the greatest love story to ever exist.”

The door gently opens as he walks through filling the room with light … like he always do. 

When a picture is taken how many things go unspoken, a mutual friend somewhere in the equation like our hearts haven’t ever been broken by each other or others. It’s been far to long to keep track, do you ever just wonder if we could just go back… I don’t think I do… atleast not anymore…. A lot of things have changed since but do you sit there and ever realize that you are the main reason we are estranged. I still have the same friends I told you that they meant a lot to me and I meant it when I said you can be my friend if you wanted to be… at least I meant it then but that is no longer true. You wanted to be my friend but I don’t have the same definition as you and it would have been fine then but it isn’t so anymore…

Pen on paper…. Writing like I’m desperate, like I need to be heard. Almost like I’m running out of time and I can’t leave…. atleast not until all these feelings are inferred. I guess we’re all running out of time. If you really think about it. People don’t confess their feelings, out there fear of looking silly but how silly is that. Lives pass by, soulmates with other people who are just not right all because they never even dared to try… text never sent… letters never written. A world of people who stay quiet just so that they can fit in. Superficial friendships…. No emotions… nothing to give and yet everything to lose. Being treated like a puddle when you, sweetheart are the entire ocean.

We are together, you have blurry pictures of me in your wallet. Documenting unconfined happiness on a random afternoon. In that lifetime we found each other younger. We started dating as we finished school. We ended up at the same collage and convinced each other that it will all be cool, but neither of us cares. We spend more time wrapped up in each other’s thoughts. We grow up together, 2 kids forced to be brave with a lifetime ahead. Little miss independent was never a damsel in dismay. But then we don’t know absence, the hearts fondness that grows. A secret that nobody knows. Maybe not bad, but I never meet my best friend. A lifetime of different opportunities I let go and watch end and there I don’t mind it. I am happy with you still but I never learn of the dreams that in this lifetime I will. There I’m an extension, a part of your growth. There we are together but not individuals us both.

In another lifetime we are together. We get married at 25 but I never really learn what it means to be alive, this version of me gone. But I’m still content, just sitting on our front lawn. I never really learn what it means to love and to lose because in that lifetime I’m only ever just your wife.

Someone who would light up my day like the sun. Maybe I want the person who always was meant to be mine. Someone who makes sure I am seen. I have been invisible for far too long, even when I stood Infront of people who I thought were my own. Someone who would think of me when listening to the lyrics of their favorite song. Someone, somewhere who would notice when I’m gone. Someone who cheers for me even when I haven’t yet won. Someone who loves in a way that I haven’t yet felt. Someone who makes me thank God every moment for the card I have been dealt. Someone, oh someone who knows my heart even before I have to show them my own. Someone who thinks of me when I haven’t answered in a while. Someone who sends a song just to somehow make me smile. Someone who loves in adoration, fierce words of affirmation, a lifetime of flirtation. Yet someone who is gentle with this broken heart of mine. Someone who knows my boundaries and wouldn’t dare to cross a line. Someone who is kind, I could use someone kindness in my life right now. Someone who on their first date already imagined me as their wife.

Maybe I want “ someone”

I’m talking about photo booth kisses, simple and sweet. Handwritten letters “you were so exciting to meet”, dancing in the rain to the sound of our own heartbeat. A love that is easy yet complete.

Bucket list unending… everyday I see a glismpse of something new to add and hope for, a sunset with a picnic but then I get a little sad. People experience these everyday but how many take them for granted? I have been given flowers sure but they often come with a certain pain like a thorn that resurfaces.

Fairytale endings… yeah they must somewhere exist and I must be getting closer until the plot freaking twist. A garden where so many flowers are often mistaken for weeds… admiring roses, ignoring thorns wondering where my life now leads…..

“I’m thinking about you”

Such a gentle thing to say, they cut your sandwich in half because they know you like it that way. “ I bought you those dark chocolates because I know you like them that way”, or “ I heard hot baths helps those cramps that you hate”. Different ways to say it but how many do we miss? The intimacy of thinking that, which can’t be captured in a kiss. Different ways to say it but how many do they hear? A message can be loud but not necessarily clear…..

There is always going to be someone who has nicer things. There is always going to be someone who has a better partner. There is always going to be a house that is bigger than yours but you are never going to be happy until you love yours. You are never going to be happy until you appreciate what you have. You are never going to be happy until you love and take care of your own grass instead of worrying about the grass on the other side