One Leg Forward Part 5
Depression, Anxiety, and Decisions
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4/ Part 5
Jeff sat at Gordon’s bedside once again; there weren’t many days that he wasn’t found in that chair doing his work. Gordon often asked him not to come, that he wanted to be alone, but Jeff wouldn’t listen to him, knowing that being alone would only bring more of the bad thoughts to his son’s mind.
The knife wound was healing quickly—though deep he had only hit muscle and nothing serious—but Gordon was apt to poke at it making it bleed which slowed the healing a little. His mind both wishing he had lost both legs, and knowing he was being selfish for the thought as well.
His brothers came by on occasion, though John seemed to be the most common visitor. He seemed to spend more time on land than up in space as of late because of the ongoing legal issues.
Jesse even made the occasional appearance to talk, though even those conversations were pretty one sided.
On this day, Jeff hummed along to some music he was playing in the background as he took care of business. The song was a an old one from the early 2000s about a man who had built a submarine in his basement and piloted it across the pacific.
“Dad.”
Jeff blinked a little, it was unusual for Gordon to initiate any conversation. “Yes?”
“Would you ever let me do that?” He nodded toward the tablet his father was working on.
“Do what?”
“Build a sub and pilot it across the pacific.”
Jeff let out a slow nod, catching on to his son’s question. “As you are right this instant, no. I wouldn’t.”
“I didn’t think so.”
“But. In the future, there’s the possibility. I have been thinking about adding a sub to the roster.”
“I’m sure there’s plenty of good submariners in WASP.”
“I’m sure there are—though I’m not too sure about their beliefs about merpeople—I was hoping to keep the organization in the family.”
“I’m missing half a leg. It’s not like I’m going to grow one anytime soon.”
“It may not be a biological leg, but we can easily make you a new one.”
“It’s not the same.”
“You also don’t need a whole leg to pilot a sub. We can alter the controls to suit you. But you must be in the right place.”
Gordon grunted in reply and rolled over.
Jeff pinched his lips and sighed. One day, he was sure he could get Gordon to come around, but just how long would that take?
--
“Hey, squirt.” John walked into Gordon’s room nodding to the nurse who was sitting with his brother. The nurse took her leave as John walked up next to him. “Brought you something.”
“What?” Gordon ground out the question, his eyes glazed over from so much time in his own mind.
“A new leg. Brains and I have been putting our heads together to make something just for you. Check this out.” John pulled out a prosthetic leg from the bag he was carrying and pointed the foot toward him. He pushed a button inside of the cup that would hold the stump and the food split in a few places and spread out to form a fin. “Pretty cool, right?”
“Kinda gross really.” Gordon rolled over and pulled his blanket over his head.
John sighed and sat down heavily in defeat. “I wish you would let me help you.”
“Why? Cause you feel guilty?”
“I don’t feel guilty for saving you.” John gave Gordon a look that would have sent lasers though the blanket. “However, after three months of meetings, I think we’re close to a settlement.”
“That’s surprising.”
“It’s taken a lot of the other swimmers and their families talking to them and having meetings. Dad’s in a meeting now talking about reimbursing them for funeral costs and such.”
“I’m glad. You guys did your best.”
“We did—as much as I sometimes want to go back and recalculate things—there’s not much more I can do to convince myself that I did what I could.”
“Have more faith in yourself.” It was muffled from under the blanket, but John could tell Gordon meant it.
“As should you.”
“Touché.”
“Gordon, you awake?” Jesse was in his wheelchair in the door, his hand raised to knock but changed his mind mid action
“No.”
“What’s up?” John straightened up and motioned for Jesse to come on in.
“There’s a lecture in the auditorium I thought you’d like to hear.”
Gordon just groaned.
“Who is it?”
“Buddy Pendergast. He’s an adventurer and amputee.”
“Probably just goes on long walks.”
“I think it’s a fine idea. You’re going.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Too bad, you don’t get a choice today.” John stood and ripped the blanket off the bed. “Sit up, we’re going to a lecture.”
Gordon groaned but did as he was told knowing John would never pass up a lecture on any subject. John retrieved the wheelchair that was gathering dust in the corner of the room and rolled it over to the side of the bed. Without asking he reach over and picked the light weight Gordon and placed him into the chair.
“Here, put some pants on.” A pair of sweats was thrown at Gordon’s face by Jesse who had seen his boxers when the blanket had been taken away.
With John’s help the pants were pulled on and the three of them took to the elevator for the first floor where the auditorium was.
Gordon couldn’t help but perk up at the crowd in the entrance to the seldom used space. They would have talks and movies often, but they weren’t well attended—usually. It took a few minutes for the two to make it through the door and to find proper seating. John settled down next to Gordon, but frowned at the lack of a lectern.
“A lecturer who doesn’t use notes?”
“Maybe he memorized it all.” Jesse suggested.
John frowned, unsure of that suggestion—a good lecturer would have notes.
It was another half hour later before the auditorium was filled and the crowd was settled. A woman in a nice suit clip-clapped out in her heels with a microphone in hand.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m excited to introduce our speaker today. He is an accomplished swimmer, mountaineer, and adventurer and has done it all on one leg. Please welcome Buddy Pendergast!”
There were some cheers and yells as the short, stout man walked out with an ever so slight limp in his gait.
“Good day to you all!” The crowd cheered “Sorry my girl Elle couldn’t be here today, she’s off visiting family while I came to get my leg adjusted and to have my yearly talk with you all.”
He waited until it quieted down before he continued. “I tell you, every year I come I have more and more adventures to tell you about. I tamed the wilds of the amazon, and the frozen tundra of the south pole. I hunted out the wild Tasmanian dog—once believed to be extinct—and something you’re not going to believe! But first I have a huge announcement! Starting next week Elle and I will be hosting our own show, and you get to see it first right now!”
There were some cheers in the crowd, probably from those that knew more about the man on the stage than the three did. The lights in the auditorium dimmed and a projector hummed to life behind them.
“This is what he considers a lecture?” John crossed his arms and pulled out his phone.
“Maybe this year he decided to do something different, I heard he’s a yearly event and everyone likes him.” Jesse readjusted himself in his chair and smiled over at the two.
“I suppose, a good documentary wouldn’t be too bad.”
‘My name is Buddy, and this is my partner Ellie and you’re coming with us, into the unknown!’ The sound from the speakers echoed a little as the host drew out the last word.
“I have a feeling this isn’t going to be your kind of documentary, John.”
John was already frowning at what he had dragged them into but looked over at Gordon who had just spoke. His eyes were a little clearer and there was the barest of upturns to the corner of his mouth.
--
“Six hours. Six hours of my life gone.” John slumped in the chair next to Gordon’s bed.
“What are you talking about, that was awesome!”
“That was not a lecture, it was torture. One or two episodes sure, but ten?”
“And that was only half of them!” For the first time in a long while Gordon had a smile on his face. It didn’t quite make it to his eyes, but John would take anything at this point.
Smiling a little himself, he just shook his head. “Jesse had the right idea to fall asleep.” John had to wheel the young man back to his own room and help the nurse move him back into his own bed before rejoining Gordon back in his own room.
“No worries, I’ll catch him up.” Gordon leaned back in his bed and stared up at the ceiling. “It would be cool if I could do things like that.”
“You could. We have the resources with IR.”
Gordon seemed to deflate and turned over onto his side. “No, that’s different. Rescuing people, you need control of all your limbs, and I’m missing one.”
John pinched his lips a little. Whatever evil little bug that was in Gordon’s head was stuck good.
--
“Gordon, here, brush your hair.” Jeff held out the brush, a towel in his other hand. He had just finished putting in some dry shampoo to clean his son up a little.
“Why? I’m not going anywhere.” He took the brush anyways but just looked at it.
“You never know when your true love might show up.”
“Why would they be here?”
“Are you saying all the nurses are ugly? If I remember correctly there was one last week that you couldn’t keep your eyes off of and turned bright red when they gave you a sponge bath.”
“That’s different!”
Jeff chuckled a little. “You didn’t turn near as red today during your bath.”
“That’s cause she’s as old as Grandma.”
Jeff hummed in absent agreement. “Well, I can say for sure that you do have a visitor today so brush your hair.”
Gordon frowned. “Who?”
“It’s a surprise.” Jeff moved to the TV where Gordon had ‘Into the Unknown’ playing on repeat and turned it off.
“Hey! I was watching that!” Gordon grumped a little but pulled the brush through his hair.
A sudden knock on the door made them both jump a little. “Am I interrupting?”
“Ah, Lady Penelope. Were you able to arrange it?”
“Unfortunately, not, he was already on his way to Tibet.” Penelope shook her head but then turned to Gordon. “Gordon, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much. Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward at your service.” She held out her hand and Gordon hesitantly took it.
“This is Lady Penelope? I thought she was some old lady!”
“I assure you I am far from old.”
“Oh! No, I didn’t mean.” Gordon could feel his ears burn in embarrassment. “I just wasn’t expecting someone like you—er, someone so young that is.”
Penelope raised an eyebrow at him but overall waved it off. “He wanted to come, but they were already enroute.”
Tibet? Gordon cocked his head. It wouldn’t be any of his brothers, they wouldn’t need to surprise him like this, nor are any of them studying anything that would take them to such a remote place as that. “Who?”
Jeff smiled a little and sighed. “Buddy Pendergast. You seem to like his show so much I thought you might like to meet him.”
Gordon pushed himself up. “Buddy! Man, that would have been awesome!” He flopped back down and frowned.
“We just caught him at the wrong time, maybe we can arrange something when he’s back in the area.”
“That’ll probably be a year, that’s when he usually comes.”
“I’m afraid Gordon is correct. He comes and does a show and gets his prosthetic adjusted once a year.” Penelope held an elbow in one hand and rested her chin on a knuckle.
“I see.” Jeff rubbed his chin. “Well, we’ll figure something out.”
--
Gordon spent the next week sulking and watching more of ‘Into the Unknown’. Meeting Buddy would have been great, but also could he really have faced him the way he was. He hadn’t gone to a single therapy session, and refused to see the psychologist. All he’s done is lay around and complain how he couldn’t do anything anymore and his life was over.
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“What do you think I could do now?” “Anything you want! You’re strong, smart, and a hell of a go getter. The whole world is in front of you!”
Gordon frowned, sighed, and turned away from his father. He pulled the blankets up over his head as if to build a bigger wall between them.
“Why do you act like that? You’re the one that asked.”
“I wanted your honestly, not some worthless platitudes.”
“I was being honest.”
“You were saying what you thought would make me feel better, but it doesn’t.”
“What is it you want to hear?”
“The truth. Not just some empty words of encouragement.”
“Alright, the truth.” Jeff matched Gordon’s frown as he closed his work and turned to face him. “As you are now, I don’t think you could do anything. You’ll be bed bound and have old ladies giving you sponge baths for the rest of your life. Your brothers will come and visit on special occasions and then only because they feel they have to. While they will continue to love you and care about you, they will continue with their lives while yours stagnates. I too will slowly stop coming and rely on others to take care of you.”
“Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“However.” Jeff raised his voice and sat up straight. “You are smart. I know you think you are the least smart of your brothers, but I beg to differ. You were memorizing the various categories of fish from the time you could read. You had an argument with one of the marine biologists at the aquarium when you were eight because you thought they had mislabeled one of the tanks. Turns out they had.” Jeff couldn’t help a small smile. “You are close to graduating high school—earlier than even John did—and you could go into any school and study whatever you wanted. You don’t need a leg to continue your education. But you shouldn’t let that stop you either. There are all kinds of prosthetics out there that would allow you to do whatever you can dream of. The only thing holding you back is your own mind. And while I understand just how powerful one’s own thoughts can be, you can’t let them rule you.”
Gordon nodded and pulled the blanket tighter to him.
--
The next couple of weeks were very quiet in Gordon’s room. All of his brothers came by to visit multiple times.
Scott retold all their rescuing adventures knowing Gordon loved the excitement, but even the idea of Scott falling off a cliff and being caught just in time by Thunderbird Two didn’t seem to lift the kid’s spirits.
Virgil came with some crafts to keep Gordon busy. Some yarn and a crochet hook. Gordon played along, and tried to make a scarf, but as soon as his brother was gone, he pushed it away and curled back up in bed.
Alan came with games, both video and non. He had a couple of old board games he had found around the house, but the instructions were so complicated that even he agreed it wasn’t worth it. So, they played a few rounds of zombie attack before Alan had to go.
John came by with reading material, of course. Magazines and scholarly articles about marine biology and ocean ecology and other such things. They sat in silence as usual as they read their preferred thing, but again as soon as John was gone, Gordon was curled up again.
Nothing seemed to interest him, at least outwardly. His mind, however, was racing. Watching Buddy Pendergast climb mountains and trek through jungles made him realize how pathetic he had been. Even Jesse was up and learning how to walk again. But what stopped Gordon was what he would do once he was mobile. Should he go back into competitive swimming? Should he do something swimming adjacent like coaching? It seemed many of his teammates were going in one of those two directions.
But Gordon couldn’t see himself doing either—well, maybe coaching but like on the side, not as his main thing. Doing one of those felt like a copout. Like he was cheating at something.
His mother had told him he was bound for great things, but wasn’t that something all mothers said? Maybe, but not when you’re stuck in a plane hanging from a cliff face waiting to die.
She was sitting to his right—but that had been impossible, the window had been to his right. She had pulled him to her, ran her fingers through his hair and told him he would survive and he would go on to do great things. She loved him and would stay with him till his father showed up, and she had. When she told him to he had opened his eyes and his father was there hanging above him inspecting Jesse with a stern face that was barely holding it together.
Gordon didn’t know if it had really happened or if it had just been a dream, or maybe a little bit of both. He hadn’t told anyone of it though, it was his alone to remember.
But remembering the moment made him realize it was time to stop sulking and move on. It had been almost seven months since the accident, and he was still being pushed around in a wheelchair—when he would allow himself to be moved at all.
“Dad?” His father had been gone the day before and Gordon started to worry if his father’s predictions had started already.
“Yes?” He was working on his paperwork like always, but something else seemed to be bothering him and for a moment Gordon thought of stopping and not say anything but it was like his mother was behind him, giving him a little push.
“If I work through the summer, I can graduate high school next December.”
“Yes, I believe that is true.” Jeff paused and looked up at Gordon.
“Then I want to go to college, dual major in Marine Biology and Oceanography.”
“Sounds like a solid plan.” The extra tension in his father’s face faded a little as the corner of his mouth began to tug up.
“I also want to learn to dive, like deep sea diving. This summer.”
Jeff opened his mouth and took in a deep breath to say something but Gordon held up his hand to stop him.
“And right now I’m going to learn to walk with and without a prosthetic. I’m tired of that stupid wheelchair.”
“Understood. Does this mean you’ll start going to the psychiatrist?”
Gordon groaned, he had hoped his father wouldn’t bring that up.
“We’ve all gone at one point or another.” It was Jeff’s turn to hold up his hand and stop Gordon from replying. “Yes, even Alan.”
“Why would Alan need to see a psychiatrist?”
Jeff just pointed to Gordon’s legs. “It took him a month before he would come and see you in the hospital, then he had nightmares afterwards.”
Gordon’s mouth dropped open and his eyes got wide.
“None of which is your fault. He sees all his brothers as being indestructible, and clearly, you’re not. It was long overdue anyways; he’s always tended to get nightmares easily and not just from the scary movies you’d convince him to watch.” Jeff leaned back a little judging whether to tell Goron something. “This is between us, though I’m pretty sure the others know already—you remember the nightmares Alan had when he first started school?”
“Yeah, he was afraid we wouldn’t be home when he got back, or we’d forget him at school, or other such nonsense.”
“That wasn’t exactly it. Near the end of Kindergarten, they celebrated Mother’s Day. Alan had never really asked about your mother until then, and I told him. I saw no reason not to let him know what happened to her. But he realized that all of us were missing a crucial part of our family. They invited all the moms in—and your grandma went for Alan—but he could see the difference between having his grandma there and the other kids with their moms.” Jeff took in a deep breath and let it out. “It was like he had freshly lost her, even though he never knew her to begin with.”
“I never even thought about it. I know he draws away a little when we start talking about her, but—”
“I should have taken him then—your grandma even suggested it—but I figured time would heal, and it did a little. He told me the other day he was glad he went, the nightmares were fewer and farther apart.”
“Alright then, I’ll go.”
“Good.”
“Also, dad—” Gordon looked down at the scars on his legs. “—what you said about adding a submarine—”
“She’ll be waiting for you if you want to help.”
Gordon nodded. “I do.”
