only fools are satisfied

this was so typical for everything in the lily and sloane universe, things were perfect, beyond perfect even – hushed voices, whispers and shared secrets, all soft smiles and glances that they didn’t need to acknowledge because it was just part of who they were. and then something would smash and everything would be on its head. she supposed this was where it was all meant to fall away, sloane would leave and lily would let her go, they’d either lose touch or fall into some strange routine of pretending everything was fine. lily supposed she could stay frozen on her bed, tear her own heart out and leave it on the ground in the shallow hope that she could keep things loose and easy and comfortable at the expense of the way sloane’s lips and eyes and the way she smiled and how careful she was despite the way she spit out curses and tangled contractions and rough, affectionate insults. she could stay here on her bed, watch sloane go, indulge herself with the blonde at her side, saving a little of what they were – and ruin everything they could be. lily sprung up, a hurried dismisal to her study partner, telling them she’d see them in class and then she was out on the landing, wrapping her hand loosely around sloane’s elbow, staring down at the way her fingers curled around her, her lungs constricting so fast and hard she briefly wondered if she was dying. “don’t go.” lily flinched, eyes closed in perparation for rejection. “please, don’t.”

for weeks, sloane had been avoiding the feelings that were culminating in her chest. the amazing, terrifying, all consuming that her and lily created. she was content to bask in it, to quietly cherish what they had built up again. the last time they had let their feelings catch up to them, even for a few moments, it had all come crashing down. sloane hadn’t been willing to let go, to let vulnerability consume her. it was easy to hide in the shadow of her feelings, it always had been. but now, with lily’s hand gripping her arm and wide eyes staring back at her, she has to think fast. but thinking is the last thing sloane does. instead, she stands completely frozen, as if she’s been shocked. and in a way, she has. lily’s touch, as familiar as it always has been, is sending currents of electricity through her body. a familiar sensation burns through her, one that she’s always attributed to her heart beating out of her chest whenever lily laughs or their eyes linger for a few moments longer than necessary. within a second, sloane is closing the gap between and reaching out with a desperation that she would be embarrassed about if she had full control over herself.

the past few weeks had felt like something out of a dream for lily, work had been good, she’d been good, had started taking classes at college for the first time – everything had just felt like it was finally falling into place for her. of course, while some of that could be attributed to her newfound sense of motivation, most of it came from the now almost constant presence of sloane in her life. the years that they had missed out on over something so blissfully stupid were seemingly being filled in at light speed, curled up on lily’s bed laughing at nothing and everything as if they were the only two who even mattered anymore, dancing silently around making any sense of the situation they’d fallen back into for risk of everything coming undone. tonight there was no sloane, just lily and a new found friend, studying pushed aside in favour of joking around, until a familiar voice cut through them both. “oh. hey.” pathetically stammered. “um, i totally forgot to tell you i was studying tonight fuck – you know we’re done so you can come in, just let us clear up.”

the tranquility that had settled between them, the mutual unspoken agreement that they had lived by for years, seemed as if it was gone before she was ready for it. they were both grown adults and really, lily should be able to see anyone she wants, wherever she wants. even if that person is a beautiful blonde and the place is her bedroom, in positions that look a little too close to her idea of a thursday night. it really shouldn’t matter but sloane felt a deep dread building in her stomach, sparking upwards and out, desperately trying to seek some outlet to release it. “i’ll just see you later,” she managed, settling all the supplies for an evening out of reach on the desk beside the door. a quick good-bye is thrown over her shoulder, moving as quickly as humanly possible out the door and onto the first stair, a hand raking through mussed waves.

“bali.” lily said softly, alert, instilled with the confidence that had bubbled up in her youth to actually look in sloane’s eyes as she spoke this time. “i like the idea bali. it’s meant to be beautiful.” like this, like you. words unspoken would always hang between the two of them but for the first time in a long time it really felt like that wasn’t a problem anymore, that maybe they were on the same page again.

sloane didn’t want this moment to end. she didn’t want to wake up in the morning, wiping sleep from her eyes, left only with a pounding head and the realization that a night like this could never happen again. or could it? maybe this was a sign that things could start going back to the way they were. or maybe even better. if that was what lily even wanted. the frenzied thoughts rattling through her brain was making her even more confused and she shut her eyes tightly for a mind, as if she could keep them at bay. “i hope we get there.”

this was how it was all supposed to be, soft and close and just like it had been since they’d first met. closer than anyone else they’d ever met, it was always meant to be her and sloane against the world and all those years they’d missed out on were finally being made up for in this moment. “only when i really mean them.” she wonders if that’s too soft, too tender for a wound that’s still open and fresh, but she holds fast and just lets herself sink into this shift. “as far away from here as possible. somewhere warm preferably.”

this was so reminiscent of their old days together that sloane almost felt like she was fifteen again. fearless and young and in love with her best friend but too scared to every say anything. maybe now it would be different, maybe in the morning light they could face each other. “maybe bali? fiji? dream big, lily roe. we’ve only got one dream vacation, we’ve got to make it count.”

mere weeks ago this would have terrified lily, shaken her down to her core but here she is, soaking up the light radiating between the two of them. suddenly everything that was so frightening to her in the dark when she had nothing but her thoughts of the past to float around her mind is suddenly all she’s ever wanted. maybe that’s okay, maybe lily can just want and want and want and that can be okay. “maybe it is. you deserve to hear nice things y’know.” lily shrugged, feeling as if she was in a daze. “we still could. not too late.”

all the confusion and ugliness that had reared its head, driving a wedge between them, was dissipating faster than sloane could have ever dreamed. and she had dreamed about it, more times that she would have liked to admit. she feels like this is all a dream and she’s scared to blink or even breathe and break the moment between them. “nice things sound a lot nicer coming from you.” she’s tempted to put her fingers to lily’s lips, to feel the same connection she had felt years ago. “where do you wanna go?”

sloane’s fingers are tangled in her hair, and she’s sure she can’t breathe, but who needs oxygen when you have this? when she can trace patterns across the back of sloane’s hand and shift her weight so her head is practically resting on the other girls shoulder. “haven’t you ever seen that hitchock film? birds are scary as hell.” lily mumbled softly. “i guess you could be one of the pretty ones though – there are pretty birds right? yeah. whatever they are you’d be one of them.” she laughs softly, giddily as she thinks about sloane’s words, that feeling of getting out that lily had filled herself with for years, her travels never quite filling the hole tree hill had carved out in her. 

sloane doesn’t think she’s capable of thinking about anything scary right now. her mind is fluttering between the familiar warmth of lily beside her and the way her mother used to stroke the long hair that hung down between shoulder blades, promising a better life. “well, i think that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me.” her words are spilling out in something of a drawl, alcohol pushing her to silliness from days past. “you’d be a bird too, y’know. we could leave together. go somewhere warm.”

the stupid line that they’d been walking for years had been clear for so long, they were on opposing sides, never meant to cross into one another ever again. but history had a sick way of repeating itself and now there lily was, willing throwing herself across the line straight back into sloane’s firing line, she remembered the way their fight had made her feel, like she had blood in her mouth, and she felt it again – yet this time she wished with all certainty that the blood in her mouth was sloane’s and she wanted it that way, that she could cling on to any part of her she was willing to offer. “better days backs then. we had plans. we were going places. we should of done it sooner.”

the alcohol, mixed with the heady sense that filled her whenever she was around lily, was finally hitting her bloodstream. unbidden thoughts and memories were flooding her mind and running along her tongue. they caught sloane so off the guard that she was almost prepared to open her mouth and let them fall between them, landing wherever they may. but she focused that onto fiddling with the soft strand of lily’s hair that she had caught between her finger tips gently — almost as if she made another move, this would disappear. “if i could go anywhere, be anything. i think i’d be a bird, y’know? so i could get out of here, fly away, never look back.”

lily supposed some part of her should’ve expected the two of them to fall back like this, there was solace between the two of them that nobody else could ever give the two of them. sloane had always sat by her when she tried to put words to the sort of pressure that’s always crowding out every single thought in her head. She’s snuck her into her room on rough nights, nights when all she can say is I can’t go back home over and over. She’s held her hand under the table during dinners she gripped back so hard that her fingers started cramping. and now here they are, older, softer, quieter. hands still intertwined, worlds still crashing into one another. “you get closer to the sweet release of death?” lily choked out a laugh, before wincing slightly as she realised that probably wasn’t the best way to go between them. “i don’t think there are any.”

sloane swore to herself that if she was a little more sober, more capable of hanging onto her faculties in this current moment, this wouldn’t be happening. she would have held onto the small shred of mercy left from their fall-out and stayed far away. but that’s a lie and she knows it. any residual boundaries from all those years ago had melted away with lily’s tears streaking down her arms, mixing with blood in a way that made sloane’s stomach churn. lily’s words are meant to be a joke, a defence mechanism that’s familiar, but she can’t help but wince — words landing too hard in a place that was too tender. “’member how we always said we would run away the moment we were both 21?”

as lily let the strangely intoxicating feeling of being around sloane this way again sink in, she couldn’t help but wonder if things had always been like this. she supposed they had to of been. you don’t just magically feel both awe and confusion about someone overnight, when lily was a teenager she was just figuring her shit out, and sure she had a hell of a lot to figure out now, but she did now some things – and the way her hands trembled as one tentatively reached out to hold sloane’s was something that she knew all too much about. “shh.” lily laughed, a foreign action around sloane these days, “i’m not a grandma, i’m like, the weird aunt that downs two bottles of vodka and ruins christmas. no grandma for me.”

they were skating some sort of weird line that they had always carelessly crossed in the past. but stakes were higher this time — they weren’t kids anymore, they had to pay for the consequences of their actions. it wasn’t something sloane had ever been good at, hence their falling out, but she was trying. and that was enough, right? suddenly, shaking fingers were finding their way into hers and they gratefully curled around lily’s. it was putting some part of her mind at ease, in a way that she hadn’t expected, and she didn’t hate it. sloane was finding out that there were a lot of things about lily that she couldn’t hate even if she desperately wanted to. “alright, i’ll accept that. so, c’mon, i’m twenty one now. what are my rites of passage, other than the obvious?”

lily tilted her head back briefly, the cool leather hitting her neck made for a refreshing change from the heat that was currently clouding her mind. she’s remembered nights like these for years, with a soft fondness that seemed too deserving for the mess that her and sloane had left behind them. nights when she’d gazed up at sloane with wide adoring eyes, a mix of envy and something else swirling in her stomach. “and it’s all about originality, right?” months ago lily would’ve freaked at the physical contact between the pair, but now it was an odd sense of comfort that lily couldn’t help but shrink into. “yeah, yeah i guess did.” lily risked a glance down at sloane and both regrets it and relishes it immediately. sloane had always had a way of filling up a room, making it warmer and brighter than it had any right to be, not like lily who had developed an uncanny ability to always seem alone even in a room full of people. “getting real old, there, aren’t you Lo?”

it felt surreal to be sitting this close to lily. to be sitting on this couch again, limbs intertwined and splayed across the leather like they didn’t have a care in the world. and they hadn’t at one point. things had been easier at one point, the whole focal point of their worries being what kind of mayhem they could get into. these days, it seemed like the two of them had more troubles than they could bargain for. fingers reached for soft, dark hair as sloane twirled a tendril of lily’s curl around her hands absentmindedly. “mhm.” it was closer than sloane ever thought they would get again and she couldn’t tell if she loved it or hated it — probably both. “i’m almost getting as old as you, grandma.”

god this was all routine. lily could recall countless times wherein her and sloane had collapse with laughter and drunkenness onto the sofa, hands intertwined as they talked about something stupid they’d seen someone do at school that day. they’d always ended up doing something that would get them in trouble or lead to embarassing stories they’d laugh at when it was 3 am and they only ever had each other, yet despite all of that, lily could never quite mind being on sloane’s collision course. “looks like we missed our chance to coordinate for halloween there. maybe next year.” lily shrugged her blanket off and hesitated slightly before reaching out to lay it over sloane, before settling down next to her, mirroring her movements as she pulled her own knees into her chest. “very funny. maybe i can make some money of my loon radar, huh?”

the familiarity was practically hitting sloane in the face over and over — her hazy mind flickering to one instance in particular. one fall night, not unlike this one, their lips had barely touched in a fit of vodka infused giggles. the moment had only lasted for a few seconds, not long enough that lily would ever remember it. but, god, sloane did and she still felt like her heart was going to burst out of its chest every time the memory crossed her mind. which was a lot more than she had ever wanted. “or we could go as sexy cats. much more original.” sloane’s head fitted comfortable in the nook of lily’s shoulder, her body heat practically radiating. “everyone in music is loony so you made a good choice there.” her hands were toying with the frayed edge of the blanket, struggling to keep her mind free of the alcohol induced clouds. “i’m twenty one now, y’know.”

outside in the dark, the cold air swirling round her, lily could barely see sloane anymore – yet her voice and soft glow of the moon provide all the illumination she needed and lily couldn’t help the fact that her heart swelled greedily as she took in the sight of sloane like this. memories came flooding back of nights all too similar to this one, they had been young and stupid and nothing had mattered but each other back then ( maybe that was still all that mattered ) and lily had always half hoped she’d be caught by her parents when she was doing something reckless with sloane, wanted desparetly for the story they’d been weaving to become a part of everyone’s narrative, make them as unforgettable as their friendship had always felt. sloane’s arm was pulling her towards her house then, tugging her away from the garden and away from her thoughts, “i always thought i’d make a good claire standish.” she mumbled as she took the lead, pulling them both inside into the warmth, directing sloane to the living room. “of course it’s cold, because it’s autumn at night and you were standing outside like a loon.”

the house was familiar, too familiar for sloane’s own liking. it echoed of their memories — the tears, the yearning, the laughter. the love. it was making sloane’s head spin and she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, her hand on lily’s elbow keeping her on earth. pull it together. with lily’s help, she was sinking down into the leather seats, already navigating so that she didn’t hit the patch that they had torn up during one of their drunken nights together. “y’know, i’ve always wanted to be bender. that could work.” her words were muffled as she pulled her knees to her chest, goosebumps already prickling up on sensitive skin. “takes a loon to know a loon.”

the past week had been a strange experience for lily. she almost wished that she could have had the kind of episode that ended with hazy vision and barely any memories, but of course she’d lucked out and had the full crazy train experience, the stupid fixed up hole in the backgarden as solid proof that everything had been real. r e a l. that was the word she’d been playing with, ushering out of her lips everytime she thought about the way sloane had swooped in and taken her in as if they were drunk teenagers who didn’t know their limits again. she had no idea what lay between them anymore, she couldn’t quite call it animosity anymore, nor could she assess it as absolution, but it was, above all else, real. her nights had been spent in bed, scribbling in her journal under her parents watchful eyes, ensuring all medicine was taken at the right time, however tonight they’d watched her take it and had decided it was okay to leave her on her own. they were probably right to assume she’d be safe this time, she hadn’t had the energy to do more than leave her bed and wander like a zombie to the kitchen, so she doubted she’d have the strength to do something shitty like dig another hole. of course, her parents weren’t counting on the tapping noise that was hitting her window, or the person calling her name from below. hallucination? god lily almost wished it was – but it was sloane, perched under her window in her garden, drunk and looking for her. “this is really fucking 80′s teen movie of you.” although despite her reservations about this all lily found herself wrapping a blanket round her shoulders, since she was venturing outside and a camisole and bloody pyjama shorts didn’t seem seasonally appropriate somehow. carefully lily opened her front door and wandered round to her backgarden, flinching at the memories of the last time the two of them had been there. but that was then, and this was now.

the light had flickered on and off so quickly that sloane thought she had imagined it for a second. and maybe she had — it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch with the amount of alcohol coursing through her veins. the image of lily in front of her wasn’t one, however, and sloane was strangely grateful for that. she didn’t think she could find so much solace in someone that had been such a tumultuous presence in her life but a weight had been lifted off her chest as her old friend stepped forward. “you did tell me that you’ve always wanted your life to be like a john hughes movie.” normally sloane wouldn’t have said that, something that was divulged years ago, a lifetime ago. but she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore, not after last week’s events and the secrets lily had brought to life between them. whatever was between them had been buried for now, put aside for comfort and distraction. sloane only hoped that it worked both ways. “let’s go,” she murmured, grasping lily’s arm in her hand gently and tugging towards the door. “it’s cold.”